Not Your Damn Dom (Denial #2) (22 page)

Spencer wasn’t just any guy. He had his faults, but they couldn’t cancel out his innate decency.

I soaped up my own hands and reached for him. “Turn around.”

He turned his broad back to me and I rubbed soap over his tense shoulder b
lades and up to the slope where his shoulders met his neck. He was so muscular that a full massage would have taken me forever, but after bowing his head to allow me better access for a couple of minutes, he turned around again and kissed my lips slowly, gently.

“
I trust you. I’d put my life in your hands without a second thought,” he told me, his gaze intense.

There was no
uncertainty in him now, just complete conviction. He made me believe without asking me to do so.

“I told you before; i
t’s myself I don’t trust. As a submissive, you’re…” He shook his head, smiling a little now. “Everything I could want. More than I deserve.”

Warmth filled me, spilling out from my heart to the rest of my body. “Thank you.”

“Don’t doubt yourself. My fucked-up issues are from before I knew you. Understand?”

His tone was so dominant that I couldn’t help but say it. “Yes, Sir.”

Instead of getting mad or uncomfortable, he smiled. “Now, seriously—hands off for the rest of this shower. We need to talk once we’re done, and I want to get it over with.”

It was the first businesslike shower we’d ever shared, and if we never had a second, that would be fine with me. Afterwards, dried and half-dressed, we sat together on my bed.

“What’s your plan?” I asked, unable to bear wondering about it anymore.

He sighed, rubbed his hand across his face. “Callum told me last night that Kat tracked Kristin down.”

I caught my breath.
That
, I had not been expecting. I didn’t know if I wanted to hug Kat or break her nose.

“Apparently, she’s here in Los Angeles because she wants to talk to me.” He
shook his head. “I haven’t heard from her. Kat and Callum have a phone number I can reach her on. But I wanted to talk to you about it first.”

“Define ‘it’,” I said carefully. I didn’t really think he was about to suggest doing a scene with Kristin or anything like that, but it didn’t hurt to be cautious.

“I don’t want her back. That bridge is crossed and burned. Even if she asked—and I don’t think she would—it wouldn’t be an option for me.”

I gave a mental sigh of relief. “Okay.”

“I do want to talk to her. Get some closure if I can. And I owe it to her to listen, even if she’s just here to blame me some more.” He looked away, out of the window. His jaw was tight.

I took his hand, bringing his attention back to me. “If she blames you, it doesn’t mean she’s right.”

He shrugged. “I dunno how it’s gonna go, Alex. But maybe talking to her will help me put this behind me. That’s…pretty much my only plan. And it might take a while.”

“I
f you need it, Sir, I can go slow. Baby steps. As long as we’re getting somewhere and not just running up against the same dead end we have been.”

I had my own doubts about this, to match his, but hope overruled them. He was trying, and as long as we were moving forward, even at a snail’s pace, I could be patient.

Spencer relaxed, pulling me against him. “We okay, pretty girl?”

“We’re okay.” I kissed his chest tattoo, then looked up into his face. “Does that mean we get to have make-up sex now?”

His response was non-verbal, very demonstrative and completely memorable.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Six months later…

Alex

My stomach had been flipping like a pancake for the past two days, every time I thought of what I was about to do. But I was desperate. This was my last resort. What else could I do?

I’d been so filled with hope after Spencer had first told me about talking to Kristin. For a couple of weeks, that optimism hadn’t faded. We loved each other, and once Spencer had talked to Kristin we’d start making small, slow steps towards the kind of D/s relationship we both wanted.

That hope had been severely bruised the day Spencer told me Kristin was
ignoring not only his calls, but Kat’s and Callum’s, too. None of them even knew if she was still in Los Angeles. It hadn’t seemed likely.

I’d tried so hard to hold onto
positivity after that, but it was as if Spencer had decided that talking with Kristin was the only way he’d be able to deal with his past. Since she wasn’t around, we’d stopped moving forward in our relationship; gone back to pretending vanilla was fine.

I’d tried so hard to be supportive, but anytime I broached the subject of D/s with him, he got defensive or just shut down the conversation, refusing to face his fears with me.

And it had been so many months now. I’d have gone as slowly as he needed as long as we were making
some
progress. But although I loved him, and being around him most of the time, I was beginning to resent him for letting things stagnate, and that scared the shit out of me.

I had to try something.

After checking my hair and makeup one last time, I walked into Spencer’s living room hoping to make an impression. I’d chosen my tight, lacy camisole and short black, pleated skirt to appeal to his Dominant side.

“Come on a date with me?” I asked, holding out my hand.

Spencer set his notepad and pen aside and pulled me into his arms. His eyes were dark with appreciative hunger. “I can’t keep you at home in bed all night?”

“No.”
I put my palms on my chest, preventing him from kissing me, though I’d have loved to surrender.

This close up, he could tell I was nervous about something, and his face grew guarded. “Where did you want to go?”

Come on, Alex. Don’t turn back now.

After a moment’s hesitation,
I said, “Scene One.”

He
released me, stepped back. “Goddamn it, Alex—“

“Not to play,” I interrupted, holding up a hand. “I just want to see the sights. I’ve never been to a
fetish club before, and I’m curious. I thought we could watch some scenes together.”

He turned his back on me angrily. “I’m not gonna encourage you. It’s not fair to either of us.”

“Encourage me! I want you to!” I lost my temper. “Anything to spend a little time with the Spencer who’s not running from who he is.”

“I’m not taking you to Scene One. End of story.”

I closed my eyes, my shoulders slumping.
Yet another compromise shot down.
I was running out of options. “And you still won’t play with me here?”

“No,” he growled.
“We’ve talked about this.”

Anger overruled my patience.
I’d put time and effort into getting prettied up—I wasn’t gonna waste it now. “Okay, then. I’ll go alone.”

“The hell you will!” he retorted, but I was already heading for the door. He stormed out into the hall after me.

With clumsy hands, I pulled on my boots, then stood by the apartment entrance, meeting his betrayed gaze as steadily as I could. “If you’re not gonna Dom me, I’ll find someone who will. I won’t let them touch me anywhere sexually, but if that’s not good enough for you, then I guess we’re over.”

“
Don’t you dare walk out that door, Alex,” he told me, his voice low and dangerous.

“
If you give me that order as a Dom to his sub, I’ll obey.” I suppressed a sob, my lips shaking. “Otherwise I’m going to Scene One.”

He ground his teeth, but looked away.
He wasn’t going to fight for me? Not at all?

“
I’ll text you when I get home to let you know that I’m safe,” I said, then fled before I could change my mind.

It was easy enough to dod
ge the smattering of paparazzi who’d followed me from my place to Spencer’s earlier. I’d been doing a lot of promotional interviews and TV spots for
Walk on Glass
recently—it was only a few weeks until its premiere screening now, and the press had really started to take notice. A couple of the photographers jumped into their cars to give chase, as though they sensed that this time, if they could tail me to where I was going, they’d have a real scoop on their hands.

A
few quick turns off my expected route, into a maze of residential backstreets, then back out onto the highway as just an anonymous vehicle, and I was safe.

I did put on a pair of shades and fluff my hair around my face before I got out of the car, though. Being seen entering a fetish club wouldn
’t go down well with my agent, co-stars or any of the movie studios I’d been working with recently.

Inside, t
he receptionist made me sign a non-disclosure agreement, which made me wonder if I should have had an NDA form to make
her
sign. She smiled when I took off my shades. “Good to make your acquaintance, Ms. Ashford. First time here?”

I nodded.
“I’m assuming I’m not the only celebrity in attendance?” Since Callum had once been a regular here and no one had ever outed him, I was assuming I was safe.

“
Not at all. You’d be surprised how many famous people we get here. Don’t worry—everyone signs the non-disclosure their first time here.”

I read the rules she directed me to, paid the extortionate cover charge and headed through the set of doors, squaring my shoulders.

Instead of a room, I stepped into a hallway that branched two ways. A sign directed me left for the social area and right for the dungeon. I decided a drink was most definitely in order and went to the left.

The large space I arrived at was both intimate and classy. Couches and tables were dotted about, and another sign directed me to go downstairs if I wanted to dance. The last thing I felt like doing was dancing, so I ordered a drink at the bar instead.

Some sort of virgin cocktail in hand—I shouldn’t have been surprised that no alcohol was served here—I leaned against the bar and gazed around me. EBM music came up the stairs from the dance area, loud enough to recognise and enjoy but not enough to stifle conversation. I got the sense being heard was important here.

I sensed a few curious looks as I stood there, feeling like I didn
’t belong and wishing like hell that I hadn’t done what I had to Spencer.
If that’s not good enough for you, I guess we’re over.
I hated myself. And I had no intention of doing anything but checking the place out tonight.

Was he drowning his sorrows? Kicking the stuffing out of his punching bag? Or had he just decided to accept
my decision?

“
I knew I recognised that gorgeous bone structure.”

I blinked up into Owen Hayward
’s eyes and smiled automatically. “Oh. Hi.”

“
Your enthusiasm staggers me.” He clutched his heart melodramatically for a moment.

I shook my head.
“I’m sorry. I’m having a bad night. It’s not you.”

“
Did you bring Spencer with you?”

I shook my head
as Jay joined us. “I’m solo tonight. He still doesn’t want anything to do with this.”

“I’m sorry.” Owen really did look as if he meant it.

Jay shrugged, though I did see compassion in his eyes. “His loss is our gain. Come and sit with us.”

Why did I have the feeling they were about to proposition me? Nevertheless, sitting with them was better than standing alone at the bar. I joined them at their table.

“What do you think of Scene One?” Jay asked.

Grateful for the subject not being Spencer, I shrugged.
“I got here less than ten minutes ago. So far it seems nice.”

He and Owen exchanged a look.
“Does that mean you haven’t seen the dungeon yet?” Owen asked.

I nodded.

“Stand up,” he ordered, getting to his feet. “We need to give you an education.”

“
Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I held up the hand that didn’t have a drink in it. “I need to finish this first, and I never said I’d go to the dungeon with you.”

“
Relax,” he said, grinning. “There’s a voyeurs’ area. You can bring your drink along. And we promise not to drag you in there by the hair. Right, Jay?”

“
Not unless you ask us to,” Jay said with a casual shrug.

I reminded myself these guys were known and respected Doms on the scene
. “All right. Show me.”

They escorted me back through the door into the hallway and down the right-hand fork of the corridor. A couple of steps down, I hear
d faint thuds and slaps, punctuated by the occasional moan or whimper. My body knew what it wanted, responding immediately to the sexual noises.

“
Gotta love it,” Jay murmured. I looked back through the dim, atmospheric lighting to see him smiling.

Ahead of me, Owen stopped and slid back a wooden panel, revealing a room behind the partition.
“Take a look, Alex.”

Curious, I stuck my head into the hole and
caught my breath. A couple was playing—a male sub, completely naked but for a blindfold, was tied to a chair and his Domme circled him with a riding crop, her high heels clacking. And, wait, didn’t I know them from somewhere? They were a celebrity couple of some kind; I’d swear to it.

“
Are we allowed to watch?” I whispered to Owen.

“
That’s what these panels are for. They know people will be looking in.” He spoke close to my ear, and I couldn’t help but shiver as the vibrations entered my ear.

I watched raptly as the Domme delivered sharp, rapid hits to
her sub’s shoulders, his upper back, his nipples and his thighs as she kept circling. The sub was completely aroused, his cock twitching with practically every hit. If I’d been the Domme, I wouldn’t have been able to resist tormenting him with my mouth or hand.

I stopped trying to figure out who they were. If I ever met them in person, it would be entirely awkward to have already seen him naked and turned on. It wasn’t as though I could tell anyone outside of this place if I recognised them, anyway…

“Let’s find something a little more our speed,” Jay suggested, and moved past a group of voyeurs to open a panel farther down. He pulled a face and shut it again as I caught up. “Unless you like watching cock and ball torture, let’s move on.”

I shuddered
—their kink was not my kink. Whatever worked for them was great, but I didn’t want to see it.

“
Got one.” Owen had opened a panel on the opposite side of the hallway, and I peeked through when he stood aside.

A shirtless Dom
stood before a defenceless, naked submissive girl who clung by her fingertips to a ring dangling from the ceiling. Her skin was reddened in patches from some sort of impact toy he’d already set aside. He pinched her breasts, pulling her body forward by her nipples alone so she stood on her tiptoes, and kissed her deeply.

Oh, G
od, this was what I wanted. She was so enraptured by him, gazing up at him as if he were her world when he drew back from the kiss. I could imagine Spencer doing the exact same things to me as he was to her.

The submissive let out a sexual cry, her head falling forward as he slid his fingers back and forth through her wet folds.
Now she was on her tiptoes she had a better grip on the ring above her, and it swayed and clinked as it took some of her weight.

I ha
d to stop myself from wriggling, my pussy responding as if her Dom were touching
me
. I was pretty sure Owen and Jay had their eyes on me as well as on the scene, and I didn’t want to give them any signals that I’d welcome relief from them.

Though maybe they
’d be willing to give me some pain. I could really use that. Then I could go home alone and finish off with my favourite vibrator, and try not to think about the man I loved.

God, when had my sex life gotten so complicated?

The submissive began to beg for her orgasm, tears in her eyes, her hips bucking against her Dom’s rough touches. I thought I could come right along with her if it happened soon.

“
Please, please, Sir, please—”

“
Come.” His growl was purely sexual.

She trembled and dropped her head onto his chest, still clinging to the ring above her head as her knees shook and she fell apart.