Nothing Left to Burn (16 page)

He scanned my work and finally nodded. That was all. A nod. I ran a victory lap inside my head.
Achievement: unlocked.

“Hey, Lieutenant.”

Dad turned and greeted Gage and Ty. A second later, Amanda strode back in on those long, graceful legs. She dumped a stack of papers on the table in front of me and started passing them out.

“Lieutenant Logan, I ran off copies of today’s drill.”

“Yeah, thanks. Take your seat.”

He picked up the top sheet from the stack, glanced at it, and tossed it down like it was shit-stained.

Crap, he was pissed at her.

I fumed, wishing I had the guts to stand up for Amanda. But then, Kevin and Bear walked in, their laughter fizzling under the heat of Dad’s glare, and took seats in the center of the room. Finally, Max strode in like he owned the whole damn firehouse, stinking of tobacco. Dad crossed his arms and burned the entire group of us with a single glare.

“Anybody who can’t manage to get here before I do shouldn’t bother. We clear on that?”

A chorus of
Yes, Lieutenant’
s rang across the conference room. Dad pointed to Amanda’s rope bag. “Get rid of that.”

She quickly recoiled the rope, packed it back in the bag, and tucked the bag into her backpack.

“Tobay!”

“Yes, sir.” Max sat up straighter.

“Find me utility ropes, safety ropes—but don’t take any off the trucks.” After Max took off, Dad zeroed in on Ty. “Golowski, you know your knots?”

“Yes, sir.”

“How ’bout you, Sheppard?”

Kevin grinned. “Absolutely.”

“Good man. Okay,” Dad said with a clap of his hands. “Here’s what we’re gonna do. When Max gets back with the ropes, I want everybody to grab one and tie your favorite knot. Got that? Just tie the knot you think is best. Then I want you to tell me why.”

Bear groaned.

“Problem, Acosta?”

Bear shook his head, but I could see the sweat already beading at his hairline. Max returned, threw some rope coils on the table at the front of the room, and took his seat next to Gage. The ropes were assorted types and thicknesses. I recognized one as natural fiber and one as synthetic. Okay. I could do this.

I was ready.

“Pop quiz time.” Dad grinned at Bear, waiting for him to groan again. “According to the NFPA 1983, which of these ropes
cannot
be used for life safety?”

Amanda’s eyes shot straight to the first coil on the left. Manila rope. The text I’d read that afternoon popped into my head.

“Anybody?” Dad prodded.

I took a look around the room, and based on the tightly clenched jaws, glares, and sweat openly dripping down Bear’s neck, I concluded nobody liked my father’s methods of training the junior squad. I took a deep breath and stood up, shifted two rope coils to the front of the table. “These should not be used for life-saving.”

“Why not?”

“That one’s manila. And this one’s cotton. Natural fibers shouldn’t be used for life-saving.”

Dad’s eye twitched, but he said nothing. I took my seat and waited for the next test, but my father sighed and pulled out a chair. He grabbed a synthetic rope, unwrapped a few feet, and started talking. “I know you guys hate knots. You’d much rather put on the gear and grab some hoses. But believe me, knot tying is probably the most important skill you can learn in fire service.” He bent the rope and started tying. “When I was a cadet, I nearly killed somebody with a crappy figure eight on a bight, like this one.” He held up the rope and then waved a hand at the guys. “Drag your chairs around me. Take a look.” He tossed his finished knot on the table. “How much do you guys think a Halligan tool weighs?”

What?
The ones I’d practiced with were about thirty inches long with a heavy metal claw, blade, and fork on the ends so firefighters could use them to pry open doors, pull down ceilings, and punch through walls or windows. What the hell that had to do with knots, I wasn’t sure.

“About ten pounds,” Amanda said.

Dad nodded, leaned forward, and nudged his rope. “Back when I was a cadet, I was ordered to hoist some tools up to a second floor. The fire took out the stairs. So I tied this knot around a Halligan.” He waved his hand over the rope on the table. “Guess what happened?”

Oh.

“It unraveled,” Gage said.

“Damn near split my lieutenant’s head open.” Dad nodded, the smirk that was almost permanently etched on his lips now gone. “Do you see my mistake?”

Since
when
did
Dad
admit
to
making
a
mistake?
I joined the rest of the squad and looked closer at the rope on the table, but Amanda found it first. “You reversed the direction. As soon as it was loaded with weight, the knot failed.”

“And how many times do you think I tied this knot wrong after that?”

“Zero,” I said before I could bite my tongue. I knew my father would have made this knot his personal mission after that incident.

“Zero.” He nodded at me. He slid the rope to me. “How
should
this knot be tied?”

I swallowed once, but I took the rope, untied it, and started reshaping the knot properly, bending the first bight and then the second. I wrapped one over the other, passed it from front to back, tightened it, and tied a safety knot at the end. Dad took the knot and offered it to Max.

“Tobay, would you stand under an ax or a saw tied with this knot?”

Max slid a glance my way, then examined my work. “Yeah, I would.”

“Gage?”

Gage took the rope, tugged on both ends, and shrugged without ever once looking at me. “Sure.”

The knot was passed around the class until everyone had a chance to dress it, set it, and agree to stand under a tool suspended by it.

“That’s how you learn knots, juniors. When your brothers and sisters are willing to stand under or be suspended by your rope work, you pass.” He stood up and started passing out the rest of the ropes. “Get started. Tie your favorite. Make it worthy of the brother or sister sitting next to you.”

Everybody reached for a rope and began bending and twisting. I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder. I glanced up, expecting to find Max or maybe Amanda, but it wasn’t either of them.

It was Dad.

Chapter 14

Amanda

I snuck a peek at Reece just as the lieutenant squeezed his shoulder. The look on Reece’s face made something deep inside me thaw and melt—and then sucked me in.

“Bathroom break, Lieutenant.” I murmured and hurried out of the room. It hurt to breathe, and I had to leave the room before everybody saw me. Or saw through me.

John nodded and turned back to supervise knots. Outside in the corridor, I bent over my knees, sucked in oxygen, and tried to rebuild my shields. The restrooms were down the hall. I ducked into the ladies’ room, locked myself in a stall, and cursed my freakin’ heart.

Do
not
like
this
boy. Do not.

I covered my face with my hands and squeezed my eyes shut, because my heart beat its reply in a steady rhythm.
Too
late. Too late. Too late.

Happiness like a dozen birthdays, Christmas mornings, and puppies all squeezed into a single moment—that’s what I saw on Reece’s face, and it just about
killed
me. Not because I wasn’t happy for him. It’s why we were helping him, after all. But my heart wasn’t supposed to flutter and my stomach wasn’t supposed to flip over because of him.

He wasn’t supposed to
matter
.

How did this happen? How the hell did I let this happen?

Even as the thoughts circled around inside my head, I knew the answer.

It was because he made me feel like
I
mattered.

Jeez, it was what, maybe seven years since I’d felt that way, and even then…it was just an illusion, another lie my mom told me, like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. If I really did matter so much, she never would have gone along with Dmitri’s stupid scheme.

Mom used to have a great job, and I went to the after-school program at my school. After work, she’d pick me up and help me do my homework. We’d watch TV and read stories before I went to bed. And then, she met him. Dmitri. God, I hated him and the way he always smelled like cigarettes and too much cologne. He didn’t like me either, and suddenly, I had babysitters because Mom was out almost every night. On the weekends, Dmitri drove us all over the place, stopping here and there so he could sell whatever was in the trunk of the car. It was so boring, and at one stop, I got out of the car to go with them inside this enormous store that had a carousel horse in the window. I thought it was a toy store. Dmitri yelled at me, and Mom just did whatever he said. I went back to the car and cried in my seat for the rest of the day.

They never noticed. All they talked about was how much money they were getting.

One night when I was asleep, I suddenly heard her crying,“He loves me!” She kept screaming, “He wouldn’t do that to me.” I ran out of my room and found a bunch of cops in our house, handcuffs around my mother’s wrists.

“Christ, she’s got a kid,” one of them said. And she’d suddenly stopped crying and shouting and stared at me like she’d forgotten I lived there. I still don’t know what they had been up to. Only that whatever
it
was, the police had found a lot of it stashed in our house, Dmitri claiming he had no knowledge of my mother’s activities.

I opened the stall and stared at myself in the mirror over the sink, wishing like hell for some kind of Teflon coating I could wear around Reece. He got what he wanted—a dad who respected him, maybe was even a little proud of him. How long would it take before he figured out he didn’t need me anymore?

Nobody could know. Not even Reece.
Especially
not Reece. If the Becketts found out I was interested in a boy, they’d kick me out.

I bent over the sink and splashed some water over my face. When I reached for the towel machine, I jerked.

I wasn’t alone.

“Gage, I know what—”

“You okay?” He stepped closer and took me by the shoulders. “You look like you saw a ghost.”

I wish. A ghost would be a lot less scary than a group home.

I stared into Gage’s eyes and tried to find my best poker face. “I’m fine.”

His eyes rolled heavenward, and he laughed once. “You think I don’t see the way you watch him or the way he watches you? You think I don’t notice the way your pulse beats, right here, whenever you’re close to him?” He ran his thumb along my neck, just under my ear, and I cursed myself. If Gage could see it, could Mr. Beckett? “I thought you had a no-boys rule.”

“I do,” I cut him off.

“Then what the hell are you doing out on the ledge?”

“Clinging to it with every bit of strength I have.” I shoved past him, but he stopped me with a hand on my arm.

“Don’t let go, Man.”

I returned to the conference room and tried my hardest not to look at Reece, because Gage was right, and we both knew it. I could not let go.

“Man, you okay?” Lieutenant Logan asked, and I nodded once. I sat back in my seat and watched John lead the squad through class the way Neil used to do it—hell, maybe even better than the way Neil used to do it. Bowlines, figure eights, clove hitches, handcuffs, butterflies—he covered them all and in depth. Bear’s pen was a blur across his notebook, and even Gage was nodding and listening closely. John’s hands worked the ropes, patted backs, and illustrated his stories. I’d never seen him so…so
present
in the moment like this. I wondered if he had any clue it was because of Reece. I smothered a laugh. We might turn John Logan into a hell of a teacher.

“Okay, everybody untie those knots, get those ropes back into storage—”

The tones sounded, and we froze in place.

“Engine 21, Truck 3, Rescue 17, residential fire, 44 Hyacinth Road.”

“Return the ropes to storage. Read the next unit. Good job, everybody,” Lieutenant Logan called out as he ran to the corridor.

All of us followed and watched the volunteers in the station don turnouts and hop onto trucks before the roll-up doors were fully raised. After the bells faded, nobody wanted to leave, but technically, class was over for the week. Ty and Kevin started organizing the crews’ stuff—shoes, hats, jackets—into neat piles. Bear and Max headed for the kitchen.

That left me on the apparatus floor with a dazed Reece. “That’s your second response.” I nudged him with a shoulder. “Still cool?”

He turned wide eyes to me. “Um, yeah.” Then he flashed this wide grin, and I fell a little harder. “It—will it always be that cool?”

“Yeah,” I said back with a grin. “It never gets old.”

We stood on the side of the empty apparatus floor, staring at each other with goofy grins on our faces, and suddenly, everything stopped. There was nothing but Reece and me, no panic attacks in restrooms, no stupid rules to follow, no squad—all that existed was us and the heat that pulled us in. Reece stared down at me and slowly brought up a hand. He could have touched me, could have kissed me, could have gotten me in the world’s worst trouble, and at that moment, I would have walked through fire to let him.

But he dropped his hand and took a step back. “Amanda. You know I’m not
him
.”

Matt.

It was like someone just turned one of the hoses on me.

I took a step back this time, relieved that I could. Whatever that was, I didn’t want to risk fanning it into life again. It would kill me, I was sure. “I know. I know who you are. And I know who he was. I’m not the blue ribbon in whatever competition you still have going with him.”

A storm of emotion swam in Reece’s eyes, I looked away and thrust my hands in the pockets of my pants. “We should probably—”

“Hey! We’re going to the diner! You two in?” Gage shouted from the door.

Reece nodded. “Yeah. Sure.” He took off in that direction without a second glance at me.