Now the War Is Over (17 page)

Rachel thumped her fists down on the mattress. ‘You’re the end, Danny Booker! You go on about going to the ends of the earth – and then you think it’s too much to move a
few miles across town! I’ve told you – I’m
not going
to cowing Australia.’

They never resolved it. Both of them fell asleep angry and Rachel woke still furious with him. She got up to get Tommy to school, ignoring Danny. Australia, indeed – what did he think he
was playing at? He’d better get that idea out of his head right quick.

‘You go then, if you’re that keen,’ she murmured, carrying on the conversation to herself as she leaned against the front wall of Carlson House. ‘But I’m not bloody
going.’

‘Excuse me.’

She had been so lost in her thoughts that she had not seen a man walking up the road towards her.

‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to make you jump.’

‘That’s all right,’ Rachel said, putting out her cigarette against the wall. ‘I ought to be moving anyway.’

‘Is this –’ he eyed the building, and read,
Midland Spastics Association
– ‘another special school?’

Rachel could not have placed his age, but he had a mild, kindly face and short brown hair. His hands were pushed down into his coat pockets and he looked hunched and cold.

‘I don’t know about
another
,’ she said. ‘It’s for spastics – children with cerebral palsy. It’s the only one there is.’

‘Oh, I see. That’s good.’ Hesitantly, he asked, ‘Are you – I mean, do you have a child . . . ?’

‘My son.’ To her annoyance, Rachel felt herself blush. The fact of Tommy’s state, his difficulties, burned in her as guilt, no matter how many people said she should not think
of it as her fault. There
must
have been something she did wrong. Looking over at the building, she said, ‘They’ve been ever so good with him. I don’t know how we got on
without it now.’

‘I know. My little girl, Ellen, goes to the blind school. That’s why I was asking. I didn’t know about this place, even though I don’t live far off.’

They had a brief chat, agreed it was wonderful that there was help for children, and the man passed on. Rachel put him out of her mind then. She was far too busy feeling annoyed with Danny.

‘I could go on ahead,’ Danny said.

They were having another heated conversation in the bedroom, even though it all had to be conducted in whispers.

‘What d’you mean, “ahead”? Without us?’

Rachel was sitting on the edge of the bed, throwing words over her shoulder at him. She felt so hurt and bereft that he was still even thinking about this. Danny, her Danny, came home from the
war saying all he wanted was to be at home, with her. Never to have to go anywhere again. And now here he was, talking about taking off to the other side of the world. Was he trying to leave her?
Is that what he really wanted? To go away like he did before – but this time not come back?

But even these fears could not change her mind. Even if Tommy had been like the others with no problems, she still would not have wanted to go. And now there was another reason why she
couldn’t go, one that she hadn’t yet told Danny. For two days she had woken feeling unmistakeably queasy. Both times she had drunk a cup of tea to try and settle her stomach and had to
hurry out to the lavvy to be sick. This morning, hanging over the stained, smelly lavatory pan, she vomited until she was empty, and tears began to trickle down her cheeks.

‘No,’ she whispered. ‘Not again. I can’t do it all again. You sod, Danny Booker – you bloody sod.’

‘Just for a while.’ Danny kicked off his shoes and came and sat beside her. He spoke in a gentle, persuasive tone. He really wants this, she thought, sinking inside. ‘To get
settled. ’Til I get a job. We could have so much more over there – a whole new life. Then you could come over with the kids.’

‘On my own. On a ship. With Tommy – and the others?’ She spoke harshly, her voice sarcastic in her hurt. ‘Oh, that’ll be bloody marvellous, Danny. And then when we
get there, we don’t know a soul . . .’

‘You’d get to know people – you’re friendly, you are. People like you.’

‘And there won’t be a school for Tommy. For God’s
sake
, Danny – Carlson House is the only school in England. It might be the only school in the world for all I
know. There’s not going to be one in Australia, is there?’

‘Well – you know all about it now. You could start one!’

He seemed full of confidence, of enthusiasm. She felt shut out. What had come over him?

‘I met this bloke in the Barton Arms – told me all about it.’

‘Oh – he’d done it, had he? So what was he doing in the Barton Arms if Australia’s so cowing perfect?’

‘No – but his pal has. Happy as anything over there, got a job in the motor trade, spraying cars.’ Danny was talking facing the window now, the dream of it all in his voice.
‘Made a good bit of money in no time. And he said it’s ever so nice over there. Warm and sunny. You can go to the beach – beaches like you wouldn’t believe. Christmas is one
of the hottest days over there. Imagine it – Christmas on the beach!’

For a moment it sounded attractive: a whole new life. That was what she wanted, wasn’t it? But no. She couldn’t. Not like that. She felt sorry for not being able to climb on board
and ride on his dream but she just couldn’t. And she felt so sick and exhausted; she couldn’t cope with much more anyway. She would tell him about the baby, but she wanted to be sure he
knew this was not the main reason for her refusal to go.

‘Danny.’ She spoke softly, but with iron certainty. ‘I’m not going to Australia. I know you wish your dad had gone – that he was going to send for you and
there’d be this perfect new life over there. But he never did, did he? That was your dream, not his. He never went anywhere and he’s most likely dead by now – a drunk in that
hostel or workhouse or whatever it is.’

Swallowing down the tears that were rising in her, she went on, ‘You go, if that’s what you want. I love you, Danny, but I can’t do that, not even for you. Things’ve got
so much better – for me and for Tommy, after all this time. I thought I’d spend my whole life stuck here with him and there’d be nothing for him, ever. There’ve been times
when I’ve sat here, between these four walls, and it’s felt like a prison.’ She wiped her eyes, feeling her chest tighten around a well of tears. ‘I’ve tried not to
show it, tried not to let it get me down – but that’s how I’ve felt. And you haven’t had to do that – none of it. There’s a chance now – a little chance of
something different. And there’s Auntie and friends – everything that matters to me is here.’

She looked into his eyes with intent seriousness. ‘If you go, we won’t be coming with you. We won’t be coming over after to join you. If you go, you’re leaving me and our
marriage. You need to know that.’

She watched Danny take this in. He got up slowly, walked round to the other side of the bed and sat, leaning on his thighs, head down. He didn’t say anything.

‘Danny?’ There was no reply, so she went on. ‘We’re . . . There’s another one on the way. Another babby. I’ve been being sick.’

He turned then. He liked her having babies. Danny craved family.

‘Oh, Rach!’ His face lit up. ‘But that’s all the more reason to go! Over there we can have a nice big house and—’

‘Danny!’ She got to her feet and came round to speak right into his face. ‘
Listen
to me. Just hear what I’m saying, cloth ears.
I’m not
going!
’

A couple of days later, Rachel was at home trying to get the washing finished with Kevin running about under her feet. Finally he shot out the door to play outside.

‘Don’t you go anywhere near the cut!’ Rachel shouted after him.

It was a habitual warning, now the weather was warm. It was dangerous enough, kids swimming in the canal, at the best of times. Now, any body of water was a potential killer, harbouring polio. A
boy up the street died of it. Everyone knew a child in leg irons as a result. And Kevin was just the sort to go and jump in anywhere the fancy took him, even if he couldn’t swim!

‘Yeah, awright –’ Kevin tossed her a backward shout. He had heard this so many times before.

Rachel shook her head as he vanished into the yard. ‘What’m I going to do with him?’

Kev was only six and she already felt rather awed by him – he was so bright and energetic. Sometimes she looked at Kev and wondered what Danny would have been like if his life had not been
so hard, his dad dumping him in the home, the poor life they had had before. Her Danny was a restless soul. A sense of anguish filled her. Was she now what was stopping him from fulfilling himself,
using all that energy?

‘Right –’ Gladys said, folding her arms once they were alone. ‘What’s going on?’

Rachel had had the feeling Gladys was working up to a confrontation. She and Danny could hardly say a civil word to each other.

There was no getting out of it. Gladys was in her usual vantage point at the table, a pinner over a pale green, spotted frock, her arms folded. Usually she sat watching the goings-on in the yard
– but today her attention was fixed on events indoors.

Gladys was sixty now, still an impressive-looking woman with vital, big-boned features. Even at nearly thirty herself, Rachel still felt like a child in relation to Gladys, who had been like a
mother to her. You didn’t argue with her, however much you might want to, and now there was a look on her face that gave no room for evasion.

‘How d’you mean, “going on”?’ Rachel said, though she knew exactly. Neither she nor Danny would back down. And she wasn’t sure if Gladys had noticed her
hurrying out to be sick. Gladys never missed much. She would have to confess that her house was soon going to have to take in yet another person.

‘What’s the vow of silence all about? It’s like living in a flaming monastery in this house, with you two.’

There was silence for a moment. Rachel folded her arms and leaned against the stove where the kettle was heating, emotion swelling in her.

‘It’s Danny.’ Tears escaped and she wiped her cheeks. Gladys was not greatly in favour of blarting, unless something truly terrible had happened, as in Dolly’s case.
‘I’m having another babby. And he wants to go to Australia.’

It was not often in her life that Rachel had seen Gladys startled, but this was one of the few times. Her expression changed from tetchiness to astonishment. She felt very grateful to Gladys in
that moment.

‘What? You’re having me on!’

‘I’m not. He’s been on about it for weeks now.’ She couldn’t help crying, after keeping it all to herself. ‘He wants us to go and start a new life. Now
he’s keeping on about him going on ahead . . .’ She poured out all her worries about it and about Tommy especially.

‘We’ll be back where we started – me at home and nothing for Tommy,’ she wept. ‘That’s the worst of it. It’s not just that I don’t want to go and
leave you, and everyone – although he said you could come too—’

‘Big of him,’ Gladys remarked.

The kettle was gushing steam. Rachel prepared the pot.

‘He just doesn’t seem to see what it’d be like for me,’ she said. ‘And now Tommy’s at school – he just talks as if it doesn’t matter.’
Rachel carried the tea over and sat down, weeping quietly. ‘And now I’m expecting . . .’

‘Does he mean it?’ Gladys seemed bewildered. ‘I know there’s been a lot going over there. But what would he do?’

Rachel looked up, a bit riled that Gladys was taking this seriously at all.

‘Why – would you go?’ she asked.

‘Me? Oh, no. I’m not going nowhere.’

‘Well, I’m not going either. He says he could get a job. I daresay he could. The thing is, Auntie . . .’ She decided to risk talking about her own ideas. ‘I sometimes
wish we
could
move – to somewhere with more room. What if we went over nearer the school – to Harborne, say? It’s nice – much nicer than here.’ The words came
tumbling out. ‘We could live in a proper house – we could afford one, couldn’t we?’

Gladys looked doubtful. ‘I don’t know, bab. I’ve been in this house a long time. I know it’s not the best. They’re a verminous load of rubbish really, these houses.
But I’ve had mine patched up and got it the best I can. And I know everyone – Mo and Dolly – I can’t imagine it, not living by them. It’s just how it is. Anyway, they
say there’s no houses to be had.’

Gladys seemed vulnerable suddenly, humble, saying this. She drew her black shawl round her shoulders as if protecting herself from any more change. Wally’s death had hit her hard.
She’d known the lad all his life and she was deeply upset for Mo and Dolly. Rachel realized that his cruelly premature death had also brought back the loss of her husband and her own little
boy. She hadn’t the heart to remind Gladys that the houses on the yard like this, miles of them, cramped, airless and damp, were on the list, in ‘development areas’ to be knocked
down.

She took a deep breath, trying to quell her frustration. Why could neither of them see what a good plan it would be to move across town? But she could hardly say, ‘All right then,
we’ll just go without you,’ because she couldn’t get any sense out of Danny either.

‘I know that, Auntie,’ she said carefully. ‘I know what Mo and Dolly mean to you. So you’re not going to want to go to Australia either, are you?’

‘Oh, no,’ Gladys said. She slipped a barley sugar into her mouth and offered the little white bag to Rachel, who shook her head.

‘No, ta.’

‘Do you good.’ She nodded at Rachel’s belly.

She took one after all and put it in her mouth. The sweetness made her feel a bit better.

With a bulging cheek, Gladys said, ‘I’m not going to flaming Australia. What would I want to go there for?’

‘And you don’t think I should go?’

Gladys shook her head. ‘I can’t see why you would. You’ll just have to tell the lad not to be so silly.’

As if it was that easy, Rachel thought.

‘Can you tell him, Auntie?’ she asked.

For the first time in a long while she felt in unity with Gladys.