OffsideChanceFormat2 (10 page)

Levi
sighed and stopped walking to find a bench. They sat down on the edge of the
river, the metal bench freezing him though the layers of clothes. “I have a
type. I like men who are for all the world to see, straight. I like the kind of
men I worked with. Jocks. So yes, instead of club boys, or twinks or whatever,
I picked up the straightest acting men I could find. Usually they
were
straight. Some of them were probably
married. If I saw a ring I sent him on his way. Believe me, I’m not into guys
sneaking around like that but there was most likely a couple who got through.
Who knows? I prefer jocks. It’s fucking hell to work with men who push every
damned one of your buttons, you know.”

Jude
could count on his fingers how many women he’d slept with and come up with a
couple of digits left over. The way Levi talked… “How many men have you slept
with?”

“Actual
sleep? Two. But if by sleep you mean had sex with? More than I can remember. I
started young, and never stopped until Bo came along and messed me up by making
me want to be…less slutty. And now Tracy.” Levi pulled one foot up in the seat
and wrapped his arms around his knee. It was a habit Jude had as well, and one
he recognized as an avoidance technique.

“Wait,
you and Bo…your teammate Bo? The one who was outed when his Marine boyfriend
was killed?”

Levi
tapped the end of his nose before looking out over the river at the passing
barge. “He’s a good man. He was torn to shreds emotionally and was looking for
a way out. We…he needed me and I needed something that wasn’t going to get me
killed one day. We spent seven months together. Dylan came back from the dead
but he wasn’t expected to live. Or have any quality of life if he did live. And
Bo… it would have been better those first few months if he had stayed dead.
God, the first pictures Bo received… hell, I broke down and cried, and I didn’t
even know the man. He looked like a skeleton with hair and eyes. His leg was
amputated to save his life. Infection from torture was all I knew. I didn’t
want to know anymore. We had a season to finish. And I was going to lose the
first man I ever loved. One way or another. Sex was what we had. I know that
now. But it was sex with one person, not a different man or men every night. Or
no one at all because I was too damned afraid of being gay.”

“So
that’s where Livy came from?” Jude was starting to put two and two together.
He’d seen enough pictures of Levi in full blown Livy mode to know he wouldn’t
have recognized his own brother if he passed him on the street. Levi changed
everything about himself to become Liv.

“Maybe.
Liv has always been a part of me. I just had to have some kind of outlet… I
never wanted to be famous. You know that right? It makes me too much like
him
.” Jude didn’t have to ask who Levi
meant. He knew. The drive their father had for fame and power. And a taste of
that ran through both of their veins. “Liv lives right alongside Levi. I just
hid him behind the jock. I pretended I’d grow out of that need to wear a tutu
and have sparkly things one day. I locked him away for a long, long time. When
I came here... Liv can be here. I can be here. The two halves of me can
co-exist here. God, Jude, I’ve been on guard for so long I don’t know how to be
one person anymore.”

“And
Tracy helps?” Jude asked as he took a really good look at his brother. Old
memories wanted to bubble up but Jude couldn’t make them clear. Memories of his
childhood and the brother who told wild stories and sang him songs filtered in
through the haze of time. Levi danced and taught him steps to keep up. They had
very few toys but the ones they had Levi made magical somehow. He’d forgotten
that brother existed, the happy fun brother that disappeared that summer a long
time ago to reemerge in bits and pieces now. From the eyeliner Levi was even
now trying hard not to smear as he rubbed his eyes. To the two gold hoop
earrings that Levi never would have worn in public even six months ago. And the
mohawk Levi proudly sported now. Jude finally understood.

“Tracy
is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. He was willing to throw
everything away for me. No one has ever done that. Not our parents. Not Bo. No
one. But I have nothing to give him. I worry that he’s going to get tired of
humoring me and…” Levi held up his hand and dropped it back into his lap. “I
don’t want to lose him, Jude. But my crazy is making me…crazy. Maybe I should
check myself into the nut house. You think they’ll let me bunk with Mother?”
Levi joked.

Sometimes
Jude wondered the same thing, but for different reasons. “You feel too much, Levi.
I guess that could be worse. You could feel nothing at all.”

“Like
you.” Levi didn’t even pause. It wasn’t a mocking statement, just blunt in its
accuracy.

“Like
me.” The barge and the brown pelican eventually moved up river and the wind
died down some. “Tracy loves you. He loves the crazy you. The man is a saint.”

“But
I offer him nothing. Just someone to fuck every night. That’s all I can give
him. He wants this idyllic life. Teacher, coach, the farm…and I want…” He
didn’t finish. He put his glasses back on and shoved his hands in his coat
pockets.

“What
do you want, Levi?” He’d never just sat with his brother and talked like this.

“I
don’t know. I’m lost without football. I don’t know what to do without
something to work toward and strive for, some big end-game to achieve. That’s
all I knew for a long time. And now I’m Suzy Homemaker, and I think I figured
out why Mother started drinking, because this shit is not funny.” But Jude was
laughing anyway. Levi reached over and punched his arm. “Shut up. Or I’ll tell
Slayer you’re crushing on him. God, and there’s Will, he’s still pissed with me.
He won’t even look me in the eye now. I fucked everything up.”

“You
didn’t fuck anything up. Well, you did, but most of it had to be done. And
Tracy isn’t going to kick you to the curb. He’s so incredibly in love with you.
Watching the two of you make
googly
eyes at each,
well, let’s just say the entertainment value in that is priceless. But really,
Levi, this is a talk the two of you need to have. You’re going to have to make
some big decisions. I mean, I’ve seen it coming for years but until you were injured
you just didn’t think about it. Football isn’t forever. I asked you years ago
what you planned to do after football. You blew me off, like you blow me off
all the time. But I’m right. You know I’m right.”

“Every
time. And without you taking care of my money, I’d be in the same boat as some
of the other guys with a bunch of people picking my pocket until there’s
nothing left.”

“You’re
not the type, Levi. You’re a cheap ass bastard. You have one house and one car.

You
like clothes and jewelry. I don’t see much else. You never go through your
petty cash. You don’t drive up huge restaurant or hotel bills to treat your
friends. You just need to figure out what you want now that you’re retired. You
have a whole world available to you.”

“And
the only thing I want is tied to a small town and everything that goes along
with it. I have enough money for all of us to live on the rest of our lives but
he won’t take a penny of it. He won’t let me buy him a new car. He won’t let me
buy him clothes. I don’t know where I fit in his life. I am not cut out to be
someone’s wife.”

“Let
me ask you this. Dale Shannon offered him a job with the team. He could have
moved here and moved up to the pros but he chose to wait out the school board
and take back his teaching and coaching job. Why did he do that?” Jude knew
more about the situation than Levi realized. He’d been there fighting to get
Tracy reinstated. It had taken three weeks to get him back in the classroom and
only one to get him back on the team once the athletic director quit.

“We
talked about it. I wasn’t ready to deal with being cut. Not really. Being here
and watching him work for the team that just let me go would have killed me.
And he wanted those kids to see how much it meant to him that they wanted him to
stay.” Levi sighed, his lips pulled into a straight line, which Jude remembered
as characteristic of his teen years when he’d been so angry all the time. “He
wanted to be there when they went all the way to State. And they almost did. It
was a great night.”

“Maybe
that’s changed now. The school year will be over soon. Maybe he would be
willing to relocate. Maybe he’s just waiting for you to decide what you want to
do. Ask him,

Levi.
Talk to him. Go back to school. You enjoyed coaching but it’s not there year
round. Maybe he’d be willing to take a college-level job. Or go sailing around
the world. Ask him. Don’t freak out and don’t mess this up. He’s good for you.
And you seem to be good for him. His family likes you. And that’s saying
something.”

“When
my own family barely tolerated me. Yeah, that’s saying something.” Levi reached
over and linked their gloved fingers. “How’d you get so smart?”

“You
got the brawn, I got the brains. It seems fair.” Jude squeezed Levi’s hand in
return, knowing that he hadn’t listened to a word Jude had said. Levi never
listened, not since he was younger. The haze seemed to clear now that he’d
opened the door to the past. His memories all seemed to crowd into his head at
once. Back then, Levi was a great brother. No matter what, he’d been there to
play with Jude with a smile. The Levi of his memories made everything fun. The
nights they ate Beanie Weenies from a can by candle light because the power was
off again. But all of that faded as a dark cloud settled over those days. He
remembered so much yet so very little.

“What
happened that summer he took you away?” He hadn’t meant to ask. He’d never
asked. Back then he didn’t understand how Levi could change so completely. He
was afraid for years that
He
would
come and take Levi away again…or worse, take Jude away. “I’ve looked into his
camps…the things that are rumored to go on there, Levi… is that where you
went?”

Levi
released his hand and stalked over to the railing. He clutched the top bar and
seemed to hold on as if he let go the wind would carry him away. “Yeah, that’s
where he took me. He caught me making out with another boy in town. He meant to
stop the devil from taking me before it was too late.”

Jude
never expected Levi to answer, and maybe deep inside he’d hoped that Levi had
just had a fun vacation or something and was upset because he had to come back
to live with him and Mother again. But that was the child he once was. As an
adult he knew exactly what their father became and what he did...god, he’d
clung to that childhood lie. “What did they do to you there? What did
he
do to you?”

“I
never wanted you to know that place exists. Or that I went. What happened to me
there…no, Jude. And don’t ask me again.”

“The
rumors are that they rape hard cases, that they torture, then attempt to rape
the gay away. There was a kid that died in the camp. They said he had a lethal
asthma attack while on a hike. The kids that were interviewed looked like
zombies. Levi, I know the tattoos came from there. I’m not stupid. It wasn’t marker
that wouldn’t wash off like you told me when we were kids. The rumor is that if
he didn’t get what he wanted, he would rape them until they were straight. But
it’s all rumor. I don’t remember him. Not well anyway. He’s like this beautiful
nightmare, an attractive man whom I called “Daddy” who brought me things. He
made Mother happy when he was home. And then he was gone. I thought he was a
dream for a long time. Until he came home that last time and beat you
senseless. That’s when I knew he was real. So please, I’m not a kid anymore. I
can handle the truth.”

“I
can’t handle the truth, Jude. I don’t want to talk about it. I lived it. I
can’t relive it.” Levi’s voice shook with bitter anger.

“So,
he did.”

“God,
no! No one raped me. It was mostly long hours of prayer all on my knees. I had
to memorize the Bible. I couldn’t memorize one book so they tattooed it on my
flesh so I’d never forget it. It would have been ironic if it was Leviticus,
but he had no sense of humor.” The skin around his mouth was white when he
turned to face Jude. He clutched the rail behind him as if he were still trying
to hang on. When Levi wore his glasses, he was hiding and lying. But it was
really painfully sunny. Jude figured the truth was somewhere buried in there.

“They
kept me away from the other kids. I was in solitary confinement. I never saw
another gay boy to hook up with. So I really can’t say what happened to the
other kids. All I know is that he didn’t tell a soul I was his kid. But they
treated me…I don’t know, it’s like they were more afraid of me. I wasn’t
tortured, maybe some. There were whippings when I refused to renounce my demon.
He did that himself. I have a couple of scars that look like football injuries
but came from his belt. I had food. Not great food. But when did we ever have
great food as kids? I just…it’s not something I like to think about. I learned
that the world hated me for being me so I closed it all down.”

All
color had drained from his brother’s face. Levi clutched the railing so hard
Jude feared he’d hurt himself. Shame overwhelmed him for opening up a painful
time in Levi’s life. He reached out to Levi only to have him flinch and look
away.

“Okay,
Levi, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have asked.” To give Levi time to composed
himself, Jude started back toward the Riverwalk mall. “Let’s go get lunch. I
still have to get some work done on my paper, even if it has been postponed due
to weather. And I’m sure you have a party to plan.”