OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (8 page)

Yes, I still have tiny tits – but I know now that a) I can't do anything about that and b) larger boobs do NOT solve all your problems. In fact, as Gran says, people often forget she actually has a face. Plus buying big pretty bras is a nightmare – “I don't want 2 marquees, Hattie! I want gentle feminine support, preferably in cream with dainty blue flowers.” I told her not to worry as only Gran will ever see her own underwear at her age! I felt her death-staring me so I didn't look at her. Gran said, “People see my undies on the line, Hattie. Everybody judges you on the state of your whites – trust me.”

Gran could have loads of secret boyfriends for all I know. She always acts REALLY odd after bingo and often loses her dabber.

Weirdo Jen says all women are goddesses. I am apparently not a hotness goddess but an Amazon goddess. I am athletic and of the jungle. I am a natural hunter.

This is nonsense because I can never find the bacon in Tesco.

STILL I will find real love. A REAL LOVE that lasts longer than the bananas in the fruit bowl. I know that sounds mental but I deserve the sort of love that doesn't go black and mouldy after a week. And I want to be a banana on my own terms.

ALSO:

2.   Be nicer to Mum. I may fail at this as she has a mutant totally annoying gene but I will try because I owe her for the Keith bomb.

3.   Get to know Keith. I have to now I've started. It's a duty – like finding Gran's dentures when she puts them down somewhere safe she doesn't remember (always on the front windowsill – where everyone can see). AND I can tell he has good bits. Inside. When he's not going on about chimps in captivity. Or something.

4.   Just make sure I don't lose Goose as a friend. I have to just forget the tingles and be more … just how we used to be. I was expecting too much. You can't snog a boy that you used to play Postman Pat with. But … GOOSE. It's hard. He is this massive geek problem I can't get out of my head.

5.   Avoid MGK as much as possible. So what if she's my sister? She's still the enemy. Families hate each other all the time! It's what daytime TV is actually based on.

6.   Help Gran with her iPad so she doesn't end up a global laughing stock.

7.   Train Princess to do tricks so she can earn her own treats and her own money (I will take a percentage of the profits).

8.   Go out of the house more to do ANYTHING that isn't staying at home!

Told Mum I was going to get out of the house more. Mum says I need a job, or how else am I going to pay for the cinema, clothes, mags, pizza, make-up— Er … CHRISTMAS MONEY OBVIOUSLY, MUM! And NO ONE can get a job. Adults are doing paper rounds!

Gran rang. She came home last night dressed as George Michael. She doesn't know who ended up in her Madonna costume. She says it was all much of a muchness in the '80s.

Weirdo Jen turned up to see me today BUT she spent all her time with Keith! They had the best conversation ever about angels. Then Keith looked at Jen's aura. Apparently we all have a colour around us that portrays our true nature. Only certain people can see them, “people with a third eye for the spiritual world” Keith says. Mum reckons it's “people who believe in any old crap”.

Jen's aura is apparently golden and connected.

If mine was a colour, it would be green – in the bad, JEALOUS way. Jen and Keith just get each other in a way … IN THE WAY KEITH AND ME SHOULD GET ON. It's all seems so easy for them.

Gran told Keith that his aura was actually coming out of his arse. Keith laughed at this but not in a nasty way. In a way that he sort of knew he sounded like a bit of a doughnut. Then he said, “Violet. Your aura is black. It's as black as your roots used to be before they went white!” Gran death-stared him but didn't reply! This made me giggle. Gran called me a Judas for laughing. I told her that he was just joking. Gran said, “You don't joke about hair, Hattie. A woman's hairdo is the embodiment of her very soul.”

Gran went on eBay just to buy something in protest against Keith's anti-shopping thing. She's bidding on a Radley handbag.

Keith would actually probably approve – it's second-hand! LOL!

Gran has withdrawn the bid. She didn't really want the bag. She just wanted to get at “that sanctimonious man”.

I just looked up “sanctimonious”. It means a massive nagging bore-fest basically. That's what Keith can be. But he can be really funny too. I think I might be getting him … a bit.

OMG – MGK has FINALLY agreed to see Keith this afternoon. He will HATE her. She is Consumer Queen. Her aura actually lives in Topshop!

He likes her.

Keith really likes her.

He says she has hidden depths.

What
hidden depths?

1.   She has FAKE Prada soap that Dimple (SUPER intelligent – knows everything) says is probably made by tiny children in sweatshops.

2.   Her favourite programme is
The Vampire Diaries
NOT
Countryfile
!

3.   She says real girls never fart and you can train your stomach to hold it in for days.

I can't even bear the thought of going back to school with MGK there.

Keith obviously sees the good in everyone. This is annoying.

UNBELIEVABLY MGK wants to see Keith AGAIN. WHY?! They have NOTHING in common. It's like the queen going down the pub with the man who works in the kebab shop.

Not that MGK is the queen.

Keith would also be anti-kebab. He would say it would offend his inner lamb and probably his inner yoghurty dressing and pitta bread too.

That's not fair. JEALOUS again. Am I actually the world's most jealous person? Aquarians are not meant to be jealous! WHAT AM I? This whole Keith thing has made me wonder more about me than I ever have. It's like everything I thought about me may be craptacular rubbish. WHO IS HATTIE MOORE? I cannot answer this question.

Rob just came up and sat on the bed and said he's noticed I'd been a bit “quiet”. I told him that honestly I was so confused that I actually couldn't even explain it. Rob then started singing this bizarre song called “There Are More Questions Than Answers” and gave me a massive hug. He said, “Hattie – I can tell you who you are. You can't cook, you can't hoover properly and you keep missing the bit by the skirting boards … BUT you are great company. Why don't you stop driving yourself mad up here in your bedroom and come to KFC with me? All things come in time. Stop thinking, start doing and let's get a Bargain Bucket!”

So we did. Rob may be the best person ever from Guyana and maybe the world. And everything feels better after chips and gravy.

Tomorrow I START DOING.

Time to think about what Hattie Moore REALLY wants to do this year!

For SERIOUS LOVE you need to be full-on noticed. You need to be different yet true to yourself.

That's why I'm totally taking the hem up on my school skirt. New school year – new shorter-skirt Hattie. No one here will notice but boys will! LOL!

I think it looks OK. It goes slightly wonk-wonk in places but you can only see if you massively stare at it.

Mum noticed immediately. She says it's so uneven it looks like a flamenco dancer's dress. She was PEEING herself laughing. She's mended it.

I SWEAR she's made it longer. Yes, I feel like a doughnut but at least I have DONE!

How come Mum notices a hem but I can be in a bad mood for weeks and she never says a word?!

Mum has told Gran I took the hem up on my skirt. Gran rang up to give me a lecture about it. She ended up going on about visiting the baker's. Apparently, “The best cakes in the shop hide their filling. Only the cheap buns have their synthetic cream on show. Be a Victoria sponge, Hattie.”

What has this got to do with me showing off more actual leg?!