On My Knees (34 page)

Maybe this was shock, but I knew none of that would quell this kind of pain.

I turned and headed into the kitchen, past Eli, whose gaze was fixed on the television. I found a glass and contemplated the faucet. Water wouldn’t relieve this thirst. The dull craving I’d been getting good at ignoring no longer pulled. It didn’t ask or beg. It screamed, like a ravenous hunger that compounded my pain like nothing ever had. It demanded relief.

With trembling hands, I reached for the cupboard and pulled out the whiskey we saved for pregame shots and really bad days. I poured several ounces worth into my glass, not bothering with ice. This wasn’t about savoring anything. This was about making the hurt go away as fast as humanly possible. I lifted the glass to my lips. I inhaled on instinct and released an audible sigh with the sheer anticipation of it.

“Maya.”

Eli’s voice startled me, and I dropped the glass. It shattered in an instant, the contents splashing everywhere. The sharp smell of whiskey covered me. The liquor was wet on my hands and saturated my shirt. My stomach turned. As desperately as I’d wanted it in me, I suddenly wanted all traces of it off of me.

“Shit. Are you okay?” Eli rushed to me, grabbing a towel.

I shook my head violently as I stepped back from the mess I’d made.

“Maya, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Eli.” My voice was barely a whisper, the words lodged in my throat. A slow tremble took over, my shoulders shaking with the effort to hold myself together. “Eli, she’s gone.”

My eyes filled with unshed tears, confirming the truth we both knew could be a real possibility, even if we’d never downright said it. I dropped to my knees, narrowly missing the shards of glass that had scattered across the linoleum.

Eli knelt down, clearing a path with the towel so he could come closer. He caught my hands. “What happened?”

“Overdose. She…she overdosed, and they found her this morning.”

Someone else was saying the words, I thought, because I still couldn’t believe this was happening. Hot burning tears streamed down my face.

“Honey, I’m so sorry.” Eli came closer and pulled me into a fiercely tight embrace. I hugged him back, letting my tears fall free onto his shoulder.

“I couldn’t save her. Eli, why? Why wouldn’t she let me help her? She didn’t have to go through this alone.”

Eli’s chest expanded with a sigh. “Maybe she was trying to protect you. This kind of thing…it can destroy people’s lives, not just the people using. She probably wanted to keep you as far away from it as possible. Did you ever think of that?”

I shook my head. Could she have been trying to protect me all this time? Maybe, but I couldn’t help but feel like I’d failed her, like she knew I couldn’t be the one to help her. Because what kind of person had I become in her absence? How could I have given her what she needed when I was barely living myself? Still, I couldn’t let go of the belief that I could have changed her course if she’d given me that chance.

“She never gave me a chance. All those years…waiting to make it right for us, to make the kind of life we’d planned for. Everything I worked for. Now…”

A relentless, searing pain twisted in my gut. I wanted her back, to see her smile or hear her laugh, to feel her touch, to relax into the kind of healing embrace only a mother could give. Just one more day, one last glimmer of her love.

But I’d never have it again. My body quaked with the force of my sobs.

Eli hushed me. “It’s going to be okay, Maya. She’s not hurting anymore.”

“No.” My voice was a wail.

Her memory was everywhere then, saturating every cell. My skin hurt, everything hurt. The reality that she was forever lost swallowed up any sense my or Eli’s words could make.

Tears crashed over me, wave after wave of a deep drowning sadness. Hard as I grasped for her, to keep her with me in this world of the living, I could feel her slipping away, slow like the tide until I was too weak to cry, too tired to hurt.

CAMERON. Eli buzzed me in, and I bound up the steps to Maya’s apartment. My brain was a cloud of what ifs since she’d texted me earlier. Texts could be vague but the tone sounded hopeful. One way or the other, we needed to talk.

When I walked in, Eli met me with a concerned look.

“Hey, Eli. What’s up?”

“Did Maya call you?” His voice was quiet, almost a whisper.

“No, we were going to have dinner. Is she here? Is everything okay?”

He shook his head, his arms crossed tightly across his chest. My heart dropped. Visions of her blacked out, in danger somehow, gripped me.

“Where is she?” My muscles tensed, ready to spring me in whatever direction she might need me.

“She’s sleeping.”

I relaxed slightly, but something was definitely wrong.

“Cameron, her mom died of an overdose. The police called her a few hours ago with the news.”

“Jesus Christ. Is she all right?”

“She’s upset. I mean, she was ready to drink a fifth of whiskey but she kind of broke down instead. Thank God I was here. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone cry that hard for that long. She finally passed out about an hour ago.” Eli bit his lip.

“She must be destroyed.” My mind was still catching up to the magnitude of this news.

“Did you know she’d been missing?”

I nodded. “She finally told me, yeah. I can’t imagine what she must be going through. Can I see her, I mean... Is it okay?”

He nodded, motioning toward the bedroom.

I crept in quietly. A soft amber glow lit the horizon of the sky through her window and darkness was closing in fast. Maya was curled in a ball on the bed, surrounded by tissues and pillows. I sat on the edge of the bed next to her. I watched her slow breathing, in awe as ever of her beauty and all the strength she carried inside of her. Even in the peace of sleep, her eyebrows pulled together. Her face was pink, the skin around her eyes puffy from all the tears she’d cried. I wanted to touch her, hold her. I fisted my hands in restraint. She needed to rest. I moved to leave and her eyes fluttered open.

“Cam.” Her voice was hoarse.

“I’m here, baby. I’m right here.” I sat back down, relieved that I could touch her. I ran my hand down her arm. Her skin was cold. I was about to reach for the blanket to cover her when she sat up abruptly.

Fisting her hands into my shirt, she levered herself up to her knees and threw her arms around my neck. She said my name again, a watery sob. Silent tremors rocked her frame, and I knew she was crying again. I held her close, but we couldn’t get any closer. She was wrapped around me like a vise, as if either of us let go, we’d fall to our deaths.

She murmured something between shuddery breaths, but I couldn’t make it out. I hushed her, stroking down her back and over her shoulders. God, I wanted to take her pain away. All I could do was try to comfort her, be a rock for her while she weathered the storm. Her sobs slowed, and her breathing evened out.

She sat back. Her hands went to my arms, her grip still bordering on frantic. I caught her hands in mine, rubbing the backs gently so she’d know we were still connected. I wasn’t letting her go.

She looked up into my eyes, seriousness taking the place of her sadness.

“I have to tell you something.”

MAYA. A new wave of sadness hit me when I saw the confusion in his eyes. I had to wash that away. Immediately.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you sorry, Maya? My God, your mother died. Why are you apologizing to me?”

“Because I pushed you away, and I shouldn’t have. I’ve been so caught up with everything, but I never thought about how much I was hurting you. And I’ve hurt you enough. God, I’ve hurt us both…so much.” I bit my lip, nearly piercing the flesh.

“Shh, baby, let’s not talk about this right now. You need to rest.”

“No. I need to say this. I—” I fought the urge to go to him again. I wanted to disappear in his warmth. I squeezed his hands tightly in my own. I wanted to breakdown, to let the sobs I held back pour out of me. I looked into his eyes like he was the only man on earth, because for me, he was.

“Marry me, Cam.”

His lips parted and shut again. His expression was frozen, filling me with an empty fear. Suddenly I worried that this was the worst possible time to say these things. But I needed him now, more than ever. And I couldn’t let another day pass without him knowing how I felt.

My stomach was a hard knot as I waited for him to say something, anything. It was as if my heart had left my body. Vulnerable and exposed, I realized then what it’d taken for him to say those words to me before. He could put my broken soul back together right now or wound my heart so badly I’d never be able to give it to another person. He held my fate with a word.

Had he felt this way? Had I done this to him?

“You don’t have to do this, Maya. We don’t have to.”

“I want to,” I rushed. “I can make you happy, the way you make me happy. I know I can, if you just give me a chance. If it’s not too late.”

“Why now?”

“Because…” I swallowed hard, pushing the flood of tears down so I could say what I needed to say. “Because I’ve spent years waiting, trying to control pieces of my life that were beyond my control. Because I’m so goddamn stubborn I couldn’t see what I was giving up when you asked me the first time. I see it now, more clearly than I’ve ever seen anything. I shouldn’t have pushed you away then, the same way I shouldn’t have pushed you away this time. I hate myself for it. Because you’re the only one I’ll ever want, Cam, and we’ve been through enough. I don’t want to fight it anymore. I just want to be with you. I want to be your wife. If you’ll have me.”

His breath rushed out. He stared at me for a long moment. Before the tears caught up with me again, he caught my mouth, kissing me tenderly.

“Cam?” I looked into his eyes, my question lingering between us. “Will you?”

“Of course. I can’t breathe without you. I waited five years, I’d wait a lifetime for you.” He cradled me against him, keeping us close. The promise that I would always have his love filled me. My heart pulsed to life, a healing energy radiated across my chest and tingled down to my limbs.

For the first time in my life, I saw love for what it was supposed to be, for what it always should have been. I let it rush in and chase away the pain. I let it soar, nourishing it with every secret hope and dream I’d held for our future.

I laced my fingers with his, holding his hand close to my heart so he might feel it beat for him, for us. If our bodies were two halves once broken, together we were whole again. And I swore then that nothing would break us again.

EPILOGUE

MAYA. My belly was full with hot chocolate and two delightfully fattening croissants from our favorite bakery as we walked through the park. The air was cool, but on the inside I was warm. We settled onto a bench facing the Manhattan skyline. Cameron’s legs stretched onto the pathway and I rested against his shoulder, his arm cradling me to him. I smiled.

The past few weeks had been hard, sad in so many ways as I said goodbye to my mother. But having Cameron by my side had reassured me. If I’d had any lingering doubts that he could pull me out of any hell and bring me happiness, they were put to rest. I only hoped I could do the same for him whenever he needed it. I owed him that much. I owed him everything.

In the distance, a small mass of black birds drew a broad path across the sky. A moment later they’d each made landing among the trees around us. Aside from the random shuffling of feathers and the casual chirp, they were mostly silent, almost as if in reverence to the light snow that had begun to fall.

“There are so many of them,” I whispered, not wanting to scare them off.

Cameron looked up. “Beautiful. Kind of eerie though.”

“I don’t think so. You know black birds are actually lucky.”

He looked down and gave me a slanted smile. “Really?”

“Yeah. They represent transformation. They’re supposed to connect us with life’s magic.”

“That sounds corny, but promising,” he said softly.

I smiled, reveling in Cameron’s own magic, the spell only he could put me under. “I think so too. Not corny, but the promising part.”

I reached up and kissed him softly. When I broke away, his eyes clouded with emotion. Before I could question the reason why, he dropped on one knee in front of me. From his coat pocket, he pulled out the same black box I’d seen before. My heart thundered in my chest. I’d already given him his answer by nearly begging for his, and for the past few weeks that had been enough. I hadn’t given the ring or any of the formality another thought. I was his, and he was mine. We’d make it official eventually. I had absolutely no doubt that’s what I wanted.

Opening the tiny box, he revealed a beautiful ring that sparkled radiantly even in the dim light of the day.

“Maya Jacobs.” His voice was low, thick with love. “I’ve waited a long time to do this right. I want you in my life forever. Will you be my wife?”

Before he could get the words out, I was nodding, smiling and tearful. “Yes. I will.”

Smiling broadly, he slipped the ring onto my finger. When it was securely in place, I didn’t waste a second reaching for him, hugging him with all my might.

“Thank you.”

“It’s symbolic, Maya. I want to give you so much more.”

“You already have. You’ve given me the best times of my life and we’ve only just begun, Cam.”

He pulled me back enough to kiss me, warm tender kisses full of meaning. “And you’ve given me mine.”

“I love you so much.”

“Love you too, baby.”

I smiled. Warm tears of happiness brimmed my eyes. I drew in a deep breath, overwhel
m
ed and feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. Nothing would ever keep us apart.

With a wild clatter, the birds above us suddenly took flight in groups, and one by one they were all gone. We watched as they disappeared into the snowy sky.