Once a SEAL (15 page)

“Come on, dude. I get that we’re just getting to know each other. But we need to have a dialogue of some kind. I can be your friend, your brother, or”—he paused and scratched his chin—“whatever you want.”

Jimmy heaved a long, slow sigh and then he said very quickly, “There was one girl that mattered. I dated her a couple of times and had sort of settled on Sara, when…I came out here for the wedding.”

“Sorry, man, do you want us to fly her out here sometime?” He knew he could arrange the visit. Maybe it would help Jimmy feel better about his life in California, too. Of course, they’d have her mother come out with her.
Shit! Will I have to give “the talk” to the kid? Oh, man, that isn’t going to be fun. Better to do it now than wait.
As a matter of fact, he could tackle the whole subject while they did another activity—make it a “guy talk” experience. “Let’s dump the trash and get going.”

“Wait…I, uh…” Jimmy looked up at him, his face going through several contortions. “I have something to say to you, and I don’t know where to start.”

“Just go for it,” said Dan, encouraging him.

Jimmy pulled his hood up over his head. The kid’s eyes were so wide, Dan felt as if he could gaze into his soul. “I didn’t know…that it could be like this.”

Dan was at the door and he held it until Jimmy caught up with him. “Like what?”

“What the other kids talked about…what it’s like to have a dad?” The kid smiled up at him, and every protective instinct in Dan’s body stood on end. He knew it…he’d move mountains for this kid. Whether Jimmy was officially his or not, that kid had made a spot for himself in his heart.

He followed the teenager outside, and they both got into the car. There was still a lot more foundation to be built beneath them, but Dan knew personally what it’s like to feel alone in the world and how to find a path that fits how a person’s spirit is supposed to thrive. Perhaps he could guide Jimmy, help him find his way, and learn what a different life it could be when an individual could one hundred percent like who he is and what he does with his life.

Turning on the ignition, Dan headed for the base.

“This isn’t the way home,” said Jimmy, perking up.

“No, it isn’t,” said Dan. “We’re going to pick up some firearms and have that gun-safety lesson Aria talked to you about. Then we’re going to do some target practice. I admit it will be fun, but I want you to take it seriously.”

“I will! I promise! This is awesome. This has to be the best day of my life,” said the teen as he started dancing in his seat. “Thanks, Dan, this is too cool!”

Squeezing the steering wheel for the count of three, Dan paced his words as well as his speed. Coronado had pricey speed traps, and this next path with Jimmy might be costly, too. “Jimmy, if we do it right, this is just the beginning of many wonderful things to come.”

Standing in the commissary—the NAS North Island grocery store—Aria stared at the tuna cans. Being in the store instead of spending time with Dan and Jimmy had seemed like a good idea at first. She wanted the guys to bond, but she missed being with them. There were so many layers to her emotions, she didn’t how to satisfy all of them at the same time.

Picking up a package, she examined it. There were many shapes and sizes. Did Dan like tuna packed in water or oil? Or did he prefer the flat package, with nothing on it?

She sighed. She didn’t know what to buy him, other than the few foods she knew he ordered all the time: turkey, chicken, fish, steak, and vegetables. Personally she hated tuna, but Jimmy adored it. Should she purchase the items she knew her brother and she liked to eat and wait for Dan to speak up? That didn’t seem right, yet she didn’t know where to begin either.

Aria hung her head. She was discouraged and disillusioned and seriously had no idea where to go from here. Looking at her grocery cart, she could see a theme—chocolate, cupcakes, wine, and fruit. That wasn’t even close to a balanced diet. Turning her cart around, she literally ran into Francis Diggins, the XO’s wife and the hostess of the last Team THREE wives party. “Francis, I’m so sorry.”

Broken egg yolks seeped from Francis’s cart and landed on the floor with teeny, tiny splats.

Francis beamed, seeming to find the occurrence amusing rather than alarming. “No harm. Probably better if they land on the floor than I cook them.”

Aria burst into tears. She felt she couldn’t do anything right, and those layers peeled back like an onion in hot water until all she felt was the raw, acrid core.

Francis walked around the cart and hugged her. “Oh, Aria. It’s fine. Really. Come on, I think you need a break. Let’s get out of here for a while.”

Aria allowed herself to be led away, and they walked to the front and stopped at the office. Francis explained to the manager that they would be back and asked if someone could watch their carts—also, there was a huge mess in the tuna aisle. Then the XO’s wife linked her arm with Aria’s and led her through the facility until they reached the food-court area with vending machines and cafeteria-style restaurants. “Are you allergic to anything?”

“No,” sniffed Aria as she dug in purse for a tissue, blew her nose, and then tucked it back inside. She withdrew hand sanitizer and rubbed it on her fingers and palms for good measure. Damn, when would things start getting easier?

“Good, take a seat and I’ll join you in a minute.” Francis placed an order at the smoothie bar and in just a few minutes returned to the table with two giant concoctions. “I love these things…the pineapple fruit smoothie. Probably more calories than anyone should consume in one day, but they taste great.”

“Thank you.” Aria accepted the drink and took a polite sip. The creamy drink soothed her throat and she drew another—longer—sip. “This is good.”

“Isn’t it? The kids enjoy shopping with me because we always stop for one of these and split it.” She smiled. “I guess I’ll have to enjoy this one all by myself.”

“Where are the kids?”

“At Judy’s. The boys are going for some kind of badge and needed to do work with different ages of kids. I offered mine as the guinea pigs, though I’ve had them watch our little ones plenty of times.” Francis drew heavily on her straw and pulled away suddenly. “Oh! Brain-freeze.” She patted Aria’s hand. “What’s happening in your world?”

Aria couldn’t stop herself from blurting everything out. “Besides the fact my uncle died leaving me with my little brother to raise, who is good one minute and obstinate the next, and my husband is here and then gone, and I don’t know who to lean on or how to handle any of this…”

Francis tilted her head to the side. She looked at Aria for a time, then said, “Well, you have us—the rest of the SEAL wives—if you want anyone to help you, accompany you somewhere, or if you just need to let loose. Also, believe it or not, while your circumstances have been tough, a lot of the wives have a tough time adjusting in the beginning of marriage.

“SEALs tend to be attracted to strong, independent, and put-together women who don’t go gently into a relationship where all of a sudden they have to take on someone else’s schedule, existence, and focus with a minimum of hassle. I don’t tell many people this…but I was pregnant when we married, and I was the one that was reluctant to get hitched. Ox had to do some fancy footwork to land me.”

“Weren’t you worried about losing your identity?” Aria looked at the table and shook her head. “I don’t want to lose my goals and dreams. I think that’s what I’m most afraid of…that one day I’ll wake up and everything I wanted for my life will be gone.”

“Then don’t let that happen. Be yourself in everything you do. Don’t hold yourself back.”

“How do I do that?”

“Live.” Francis smiled. “I’m happy. I love Ox with all my heart. He’s constantly telling me he’ll support me in whatever I want to do. Before we married, I was a chocolatier. But it was only
one
of my wishes. On that list was also being a wife and mother, which in many ways fulfills me in a manner my career could not.” Francis leaned forward. “When I’m ready, I’ll create tasty confections again. But the trick I’ve learned about marriage is…dedicate yourself each day to falling in love with yourself, your husband, and your world.”

“I’m sure some days are easier than others.”

“Very true. Our men have one of the most dangerous jobs on the planet. The reality of our lives is significantly scarier than any of us are willing to face, so we move on with our days, living ordinary existences, waiting for our men to retire—praying and hoping they get there. SEAL Team, the kids, and me—that’s all Ox wants out of life. It’s that basic to him, and I’m going to give him everything I have to make it work, even though some mornings I wake up with a nervous feeling in my stomach so painful I want to cry. So then I’ll cry and move on with a smile. Did Mac talk to you about any of this before you married?”

“Not really. We only dated for a month.” She paused, thinking. “What should I do? I feel like I’ve lost my strength. I don’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore.”

“Ask yourself who you can live with and without? Remember there’s rarely an opportunity to go back, once you close the door. If you aren’t willing to be there day in and day out for Mac and his challenges, tell him. Be honest about it. Face it head-on. Being a military spouse isn’t for everyone. It takes a daily dedication to the person you love and a commitment to stick it out and stay the course,” said Francis. “But it is never easy. Most of us celebrate what we have when it is in our hands and stay the course—hold the rudder—when we’re going it alone.

“Being happy or not being happy—that’s a choice you make on a moment-by-moment basis. Flip a switch, you’re happy. Flip the switch again, you’re sad. Decide what you want, Aria, and go for it, but don’t let your fear of being alone take away love. Remember, we’re all here because we want to be.”

The XO’s wife’s purse vibrated. It was a tiny Rioni purse. Aria couldn’t imagine how she could hold anything in there. It was pretty adorable. Francis took her phone out and answered it. “Okay. Sure. Usual stuff. Yes, I can be home in an hour.” Pocketing the cellular device, she stood. “We need to get moving. Our men are going out for a while and will need provisions. Come on, I’ll help you.” She paused and placed her hand on Aria’s arm. “Whatever you have to say to him, you might want to wait until he returns. Just a small piece of advice. Don’t want him distracted in the middle of an Op.”

“What? Wait, they’re leaving again? They just got back from jump practice or whatever it’s called.” Couldn’t the Navy give her a break?

“Yes. I don’t have any details, but for now I can help you put items together for him. Judy and I have shopped for Mac before. We often do it for a bunch of the men…when they are single.” Francis led the way back to the commissary. Boy, that small woman could move quickly. Aria had to speed up her steps until she was almost running behind Francis.

***

Aria turned the knob. As she suspected, the door was open and Dan had piles laid out all over the couch. She walked inside and closed the door. Watching him, she waited for him to acknowledge her. It didn’t take long before he was standing in front of her and giving her a peck on the forehead. “Hi.”

“Hi, Mac!” she said sarcastically. She grabbed his arm and showed him her phone. “Do you see this? I didn’t hear it ring, because you never called to tell me you were going away. If I hadn’t run into Francis Diggins, I never would have known you were leaving
or
what to buy you for your trip. How come she knows more about your diet than me?”

“Babe, do we really have to do this now?” Dan walked away from her, entering the bedroom, banging around in there, and returning with a handful of T-shirts.

“Really, you’re walking away…in the middle of an argument.” Aria was furious! She didn’t know where to start. All she wanted was to spew her frustration.

He dropped the T-shirts on a stack and then came back to stand in front of her. “If you want to talk to me while I pack, go for it. But what would really help me is for you to take a seat, let me finish, and then I can give you my full attention.” His eyes held hers, and they were friendly but focused. She didn’t want to screw him up, have him leave without the items he needed. If the shoe were on the other foot, she’d want to be able to get her life together, too.

She’d give him this one. “Fine. Pack. I’ll wait over here.” Sitting down on a chair next to the counter, she placed her purse on the top and tucked her phone inside. Watching him seemed lame, so she went outside to her car and brought in the groceries. She filled the kitchen. Looking into the top of each one, she found the three bags for him and placed them on the couch next to his gear.

When he came out of the bathroom with his travel kit, he smiled at her and then placed the items into his duffel. Placing her hand over her heart, she felt it tightening. Shit, was Francis right? Was she so upset with Dan because she was afraid he was going to get hurt, or worse yet, die? A wave of dizziness slammed through her and she sat down. “Make sure you bring the antibiotics with you…just in case that finger acts up.”

“I already saw the Corpsman—he was at the gun range—and he said it was clean and healing well. He complimented your technique.” Dan moved quickly and she was sure he had done this many times.

“How many missions have you been on?”

He looked up. “A lot.”

“When do you have to go?” She held her breath. Please, please, please let them have time to…to just be together a little longer.

“Can’t say… Soon. It’s easier to pack early and see if there is anything I need. I’m not fond of waiting till the last minute.” He nodded at the now-empty grocery bags. “Thanks for the provisions. It was exactly what I needed.”

“Francis helped me. I’m married to you. How come you didn’t call me?” Aria pursed her lips. “I think that hurt most.”

“We’re not supposed to. My guess is that Ox has a code word he uses with Francis and that’s how they communicate. We could do the same thing…have a set of words that mean other stuff.” Dan picked up his duffel and placed it by the front door. On top he placed another, smaller bag.

“Where are you going?” She crossed her arms over her chest. Her ire was rising again, and she had to keep herself in check so she didn’t tap her foot.

He shook his head. “I can’t tell you.”

How could Dan look so peaceful? He had the countenance of a man about to go take a run or a swim, definitely at ease. Was he crazy? He was going to war! A small part of her kicked up—this is what he did, put his life on the line. What was wrong with her?

She asked her next question quickly. “How long will you be gone?”

“Don’t know.” His short answers were getting on her nerves. She wanted to shout,
Give
me
something, anything, to reassure me you’ll be safe…and come back soon!
But she didn’t. She held herself in check.

Gesturing to the items at the door, she said, “Long enough to need a couple changes of clothes and provisions…”

“Yes.” He walked toward her. “I’m ready to talk now.”

She put up her hands. “Well, I’m not ready to talk to
you
.” She hated that look on his face—the one that said she was being a shrew. She sighed. “Just…give me a few minutes.” Turning her back on him, she walked the long way around the counter and through the kitchen, stepping over the bags of groceries. Heading for the bathroom, she closed the door and turned on the light and fan. Sitting down on the toilet, she put her head in her hands and cried, weeping for her dream of what life together was going to be like and for the fear she couldn’t voice to the man she loved more than her own sanity.

When she came back out, she could hear Dan talking on the phone. His voice was low, a murmur. When he saw her, he waved and she walked outside to the patio to join him.

“Yeah, man, thanks for leapfrogging.” Dan closed his phone and pocketed it.

“Who was that on the phone?” she asked, then kicked herself for asking that question. She’d have to learn to roll with things without the need to take control. “I mean…you don’t have to tell me if you can’t.”

“Declan. He and a few of the guys are going to stop by while I’m gone. In case Wall Boy gets a little jumpy.” Dan pointed behind her.

“Huh? I don’t get it. Who’s Wall Boy?”

“Jimmy. I took him to the climbing gym today and he was remarkable. I’m proud of him. You would have been, too. I’ve arranged a yearlong pass so you or even Declan can take him down there for some exercise. Who knows? You might like it, too.” Dan seemed as if he were hiding behind a facade. Why was he acting that way? What was wrong?

As he took a seat next to her at the table, she asked, “Is there something you want to say to me?”

“Yes,” he said. “But I’d prefer that we went for a walk. I don’t want to talk where Jimmy can hear us. Want to take the walking path around the neighborhood? It’s important, Aria.”