Once in a Lifetime (35 page)

"Apparently it does. Nuts enough to sleep with someone else in my house, in my bed." Tears filled her eyes. "Does that seem right to you?" She felt betrayed and hurt. She had suffered loss before, but she had never suffered this ... brassieres left by the pool ... spots on the couch ... condoms under the bed ... and all in three lousy days. "What the hell's the matter with you, dammit?" She got to her feet and paced the room. "Can't you keep it in your pants for three days? Is that all I mean to you? A convenient piece of ass and when I'm not around you sleep with someone else?" She stood before him, her eyes blazing, and he looked sad.

"I'm so sorry, Daff ... I didn't mean--"

"How could you?" She began to sob. "How could you? ..." She was beyond words and she lay facedown on the bed as she sobbed, and gently he stroked her back and hair. She wanted to tell him to go to hell, but she didn't have the strength. She couldn't believe what he had done, and the callousness of doing it in her own house and letting her find out made it even worse. This wasn't a quick screw he'd picked up at some bar, this was a girl he'd moved right into her house, her bed. The humiliation of it was almost more than she could bear. And what it told her about him was very painful.

"Oh, Daphne, baby ... please. ... I got drunk, I snorted some coke. I just flipped out. I told you I didn't want you to go. I wanted to go to Mexico with you, but you insisted on flying East to see your kid. I just couldn't take it, I ..." He began to cry too, and turned her over gently to face him. She felt as though all her bones had melted into the bed. She didn't have the strength to fight. She almost wished that she were dead. "I love you so damn much. This doesn't mean anything." He wiped the tears from his eyes. "I was crazy. It'll never happen again. I swear." But her eyes said that she didn't believe a word as tears streamed down her face and she said not a single word to him. "Daphne ..." He lay his head down on her slender thighs. "Oh, God, baby ... please ... I don't want to lose you...."

"You should have thought of that before your friend left her bra at my pool." Her voice sounded defeated and she sat up slowly in the bed, feeling ten thousand years old, but not yet hating him. She was too hurt even to feel anger yet. All she felt was pain. "Is this how you always behave during a shoot?" Or was this how he behaved in real life? She was beginning to wonder. And it made her feel like hell.

"This has been a rough shoot. You don't know how much of myself I've been pouring into this, Daff ... how desperately I've wanted to please you ... to make this movie of yours a major hit ... Oh, Daff ..." His eyes looked so childlike and so sad, he looked as though his best friend had died. The fact that he had killed her himself didn't seem to enter his mind as he grieved. "Baby, can't we start fresh?"

"I don't know." Her eyes went to the rubber she had tossed onto the bed and he picked it up and threw it in the John. When he came back, he looked at her.

"Maybe you'll never forgive me. But I swear I'll never do it again."

"How do I know that? I can't sit on you for the rest of your life." She sounded so tired and so sad and he smiled for the first time since he had seen her in the room.

"I wish you would."

"I want to go back and see my son again. What happens then? I worry myself sick for three days while I'm gone that you're out screwing around again?" She was suddenly overwhelmed by a mindless, wordless, bottomless lonely feeling. Who in hell was he? And what did she mean to him? Did he care about her at all? It was hard to believe he did now.

"If you want, I'll come with you." But suddenly she wasn't sure if that was what she wanted. She wanted him to meet Andrew, but there was more in New Hampshire than that. There was Matt. And suddenly she didn't want Justin to be part of that life, especially now. Suddenly, she didn't trust him. Not enough to expose Andrew to him.

"I don't know. I don't know what I want right now. I think I might want you to move out." But she knew that if he did, they would never work it out. He shook his head slowly and reached for her hands.

"Let's not do that yet. Please, Daff. Give me a chance." It was like watching a little boy beg to get his privileges back, but this was a lot more important than that. "I need you."

"Why?" It seemed strange to hear him say that, she had thought that it was she who needed him. "Why me and not someone else, like your friend with the big tits?"

"You know who she is? A twenty-two-year-old cocktail waitress from Ohio, Daff. That's all she is. She isn't you. No one is." But Daphne narrowed her eyes. Something rang a bell.

"Isn't that the girl you were going out with before?" He hesitated at length and then nodded, dropping his head into his hands again.

"Yes. She heard through the grapevine that we were taking a break and she called."

"Here? How did she know where you were?" The question struck fear in his heart, he was caught. Either he had let her know where he was before, or he had called her.

"All right, dammit, if you're so fucking smart, so I called her."

"When? After I left or before?" She got out of bed and stood facing him. "Just exactly what has been going on with you?"

"Nothing, dammit! I've been with you night and day for the last three months. You know I haven't seen anyone else. How could I? When?" It was true.

"You told me she was an actress." It was a minor point, but everything mattered now.

"She is. She's out of work, so she's waiting on tables. Daphne, dammit, she's a nothing, a child. You're worth fifty thousand of her or any other woman in this town. I know that. But I'm human. I do crazy things sometimes. I did it, I confess, I am desperately sorry, it won't happen again. What more can I tell you? What do you want me to do to atone for my sins? Cut off my balls?"

"It's a thought." She sat down in the chair again and looked around. Suddenly she hated this room, the whole house. He had poisoned it while she was gone. She looked up at him then. "I don't know if I could ever trust you again."

He sat down from her across the bed, trying to keep his voice calm. "Daphne, every couple goes through these things. At some point or other, everyone screws up. Maybe one day you will too. We're all human, and at some moment in time, we all get weak. Maybe it's better to have it out now, to have some giant tear in hearts that we can sew up and make them stronger. We'll be better for all this if we make it through and we can, if you let us. Give me a chance. I'm telling you, it won't happen again."

"How do I know?"

"Because I'll show you. And in time you'll come to trust me again. I know what you feel. But it doesn't have to mean the end. He reached out gently and touched her cheek with his fingers. She faltered for only a fraction of a second and he sensed it and moved in quick, reaching out and pulling her into his arms. "I love you, Daff, more than you'll ever know. I want to marry you someday." To him that was the ultimate statement--the beginning and the end--but Daphne still looked sad.

"This is a hell of a way to start out." It had never happened to her with Jeff, or John. Maybe she had been right to hide behind her walls. Justin sensed her thoughts.

"You can't be half alive all your life, Daff. You have to be out here with the rest of us, get hurt, make mistakes, pick yourself up, and make it again. Otherwise you're only half a human being, and that's not you. You're a lot more than that. I'm sorry. I'm sorrier than you'll ever know."

"So am I." But she didn't look as vehement as before.

"Will you let it ride for a while? I swear to you, you won't be sorry." She didn't answer. "I love you. What more can I say?" There wasn't much. In the last hour and a half he had said it all, that he loved her, that he had been a fool, that he wanted to marry her someday. It was the first she'd heard of that, and she looked at him now, with a thousand questions still in her eyes.

"Were you serious about wanting to get married?"

"Yes. I've never said that to anyone before. But I've never met anyone like you." His eyes were so gentle and her heart still felt as though it had been torn in half.

"You've never met my son." It was out of context, but not really.

"I will. Maybe next time I'll fly East with you." She didn't answer and he watched her. He didn't want to remind her that they were over an hour late for work. He knew what a crazy bastard he had been, and he knew also that he had to make it right with her before anything. He didn't want to give her more time to think. "We have a lifetime ahead of us, my love." It was an awesome thought. "Will you give me another chance?"

Her eyes searched his but she didn't speak, and he leaned down and kissed her gently on the mouth, as he had so long ago when they came together in love. "I love you, Daff. With all my heart." And then the tears began to flow again and she held him tight, aching over what he had done while she was gone. Justin held her as she sobbed, cooing and soothing and comforting and stroking her hair. He knew he had won her back when she stopped crying at last. She was unable to say what she felt, but he knew that in time she would forgive him for what he had done, and he sighed softly to himself as he stood up and gently led her from their bed. "I hate to say it, babe, but we have to get to work." She groaned at the thought, it was the last thing on her mind. But she knew that he was right.

"What time is it?"

"Six fifteen."

She winced. "Howard's going to have a fit."

"Yeah." Justin smiled at last. "But as long as he is anyway, let's make it worthwhile." And then without another word he lay her on the bed again and began to make love to her.

She wanted to object, it wasn't what she had in mind, not after what he had done ... not so soon ... not yet ... but his skill was greater than her resolve and a moment later he plunged inside her and she gave a moan of sorrow and joy and knew herself to be his once again. And perhaps he was right, she told herself afterward, maybe everyone suffers something like that. Maybe they'd be stronger for the pain.

When Justin and Daphne appeared on the set at eight fifteen, Howard was nearing an apoplectic fit. He turned to stare at them in disbelief as they walked in.

"I don't believe it... I don't believe it!" His voice rose to a crescendo and Daphne cringed. Justin looked unimpressed. "What is it with you two? You can't get your goddamn asses out of bed to come to work? Doesn't anyone give a shit around here? Three hours late on the set and you walk in like you're coming to a tea party? The hell with you!" He grabbed a copy of the script and threw it as Justin went off to put his costume on and Daphne searched frantically for Barbara.

"You okay?" Barbara sat down next to her, looking at the tired little face, the ravaged eyes, but Daphne averted her gaze and nodded. Even now she had to fight back tears. Between the emotions and the lack of sleep, she was exhausted and overwrought.

"I'm fine." She looked up at her friend with a tired smile. "Everything's all right." Or at least it was going to be. Barbara realized that Justin must have sold her a bill of goods.

"Do you want a cup of coffee?"

"Yes, if you're sure Howard didn't put arsenic in my cup."

Barbara smiled, still watching her. She hated the sorrow she saw on her face, and hated Justin for putting it there. "Don't feel so bad, Daff. Half of the crew came in late, that's why he's so pissed off. Apparently it always takes a couple of days to settle down after a break."

"That's the understatement of the year." For the first time since she had come home, Daphne grinned. And it was the only mention she made of the havoc she had found in her own house. Barbara brought her the coffee and slowly she began to revive, but between the long flight the night before, the lack of sleep, and the trauma she had had with Justin before work, she felt like a zombie all day long. They knocked off at six o'clock that day and Justin took her home and put her to bed. He brought her a cup of tea right away and dinner on a tray. It was like being an invalid, and she knew why he was doing it, but she had to admit she didn't mind. He was in the kitchen afterward, putting things away, when Matthew called, and Daphne sank into the pillows with a sigh. It was a relief to hear his voice.

"Hi, Matt." Her voice was small and she was glad that the bedroom door was closed.

"It must have been some day. You sound beat."

"I am." But he sensed instantly that there was more.

"Are you okay?"

"More or less." She fought with herself not to tell him what had happened. She didn't want to. It had nothing to do with him. And yet she needed to reach out to him, she needed to know that there was still something solid left, somewhere, even if it was three thousand miles away. She didn't trust Justin yet, no matter how contrite he was. But she knew for certain that Matthew was her friend. "How was Andrew today?"

"Not bad, considering that you only left yesterday. How was the flight?"

"Okay. I slept." For an instant she was reminded of her calls from Jeff when he went on business trips. There was comfort in the trivia of everyday life. It was all on a much smaller scale than what was happening to her, and that was a relief. What was happening in California was just too much. She fell silent then, and at his end Matthew frowned, he had known instantly when he heard her voice that something was wrong.

"Daff? What's the matter, little one?" No one had called her that since John and she felt her eyes fill with tears as she struggled with the emotions of the past eighteen hours. "Can't I help?"

"I wish you could." He could hear her crying now. "It's just something that happened out here ... while I was gone...."

"Your friend?"

She nodded and choked on her tears. It was stupid to cry now, she told herself. They had made up. But it still hurt. It all hurt so damn much. And she wanted to tell it all to Matt, as though his comforting arms around her could change anything now. "I found kind of a mess when I got back." He waited and she went on. "He had a woman staying here while I was gone." It was shocking to be telling him about that, and yet she didn't feel shocked. She just felt sad. "It's a long story, and he feels like hell about it now. But it was kind of a lousy homecoming." She blew her nose and something within him began to burn.