Once More (Mercy Heart #1) (6 page)

She felt her temperature rise when he spoke of her limited experience, but before she could react, she realized that he was right.  She never suspected for one moment that he didn’t care about her.  With this realization, she knew what she needed to do.

“You are right,” she said, her concession barely above a whisper.  “I’m sorry.  I am so…new at this.” 

With a sigh, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him.  “I’m sorry, too.  God, the last thing I ever wanted to do was bring you any pain.  That’s what I spoke to Jack about.  I was so afraid of hurting you.”

She took a breath before she continued with calm strength.  “Clem, this all just proves that I shouldn’t move with you.  I’m not ready for taking this step.  I feel like I have so much more to learn before I can make any kind of commitment to someone else.”

Surely he hadn’t heard her right.  The feeling in his chest was so foreign, an ache that he knew wouldn’t go away anytime soon.  “You…you can’t be serious.  We can make this work.  We can figure it out together.  I can make you happy.”

“I don’t doubt that, Clem.  Being with you does make me happy.” He started to interrupt her, but she continued.  “But I need to do this on my own, for myself, to prove I can do it.” 

He wondered for a moment if he should tell her she was wrong, that depending on him and accepting his love wouldn’t be a sign of weakness.  But he knew that wasn’t fair to her, and if anyone knew the importance of making your own way, it was him.  “I – I understand.”  He held her close, breathing in her scent, memorizing the perfect way her body felt in his arms.  Nothing else would ever compare.  “The offer still stands, you know.  I still want you to come to California with me.”

She hugged him back, relishing the feeling of being completely wrapped up in his warmth.  “I can’t.  I need to finish what I started here.  Becoming a nurse is important to me.”  She pulled back out of his arms, and he gifted her with the sweetest, briefest kiss on her lips.               

He rested his forehead on hers, whispering, “I don’t want to let you go.  I know as soon as you get in that car, it’s over.”  He wanted to tell her that if she asked him to stay, he would.  God knows he didn’t really need the money.  But he had to admit that part of him wanted her to
want
him to stay, and at this moment, he didn’t want to risk the chance that he might hear the opposite. 

She stepped out of his arms, and sat down in the driver’s seat.  “Best to just get it over with then, like a Band-Aid.” She reached out to shut the door, but he grabbed her hand, holding it for just a few moments more.

“Good-bye, angel,” he said, dropping her hand, trying to swallow his grief.

She smiled bleakly at him, shut her door and drove away, Clem still standing in the driveway, watching her leave.  As she drove home, she couldn’t help but think about the decision that she was making.  Could she really say goodbye to him?  Though she hated to admit it, she knew she had to.  She needed to return to focus on what was most important to her.  She would take her nursing boards and start her career at the hospital.  In the short time she had been with Clem, she had experienced a lot of things she had been missing in her life, and now she could take that experience, move on and strike a balance between her personal life and her professional life once she got settled in her new job. 

Feeling a renewed sense of purpose, she turned her car off and headed upstairs.  Once she walked into her apartment, the burst of resilience she had disappeared when she went into her bedroom and faced her unmade bed, which hadn’t been touched since she and Clem had left it the previous morning.  His scent still lingered in the air, and suddenly, her tears came rushing back.  She kicked off her shoes and climbed into her bed fully clothed, clinging to the pillow he’d been sleeping on for the past few nights, and sobbed until she cried herself to sleep, her heart breaking as one dream slipped away.

*    *     *    *

The graduation festivities had died down at the frat house.  Clem and Jack were the only ones still awake, with Clem killing any bottle of alcohol he could find as fast as he could get it down.  Though the liquor should have warmed him, his body felt ice cold.  His heart, the miserable bastard, continued to beat in his chest, though it felt pointless now.  Nothing mattered anymore. 

“Clem, dude, you have got to chill out.  I know this sucks, and I know you think you love her –“ which resulted in Clem glaring at him from behind a shot glass, “but I think you need to realize that moving on is probably for the best.  You can’t expect her to move across the country with you after knowing you less than a month.  She certainly doesn’t expect you to stay here and forgo your dreams.  So how about we cool it on the booze before I have to get some activated charcoal from my science experiment kit.”  Jack was trying to lighten the mood, but nothing was going to rid Clem of these feelings of despair. 

“I know, man…I wish I could turn back time and avoid asking her to move with me.  I wish I could tell her that I wanted to try it long distance instead, but that doesn’t seem fair to either one of us.  She deserves someone who is going to be with her all the time, holding her every night and worshipping her and taking care of her.  She has no one.  No one takes care of her.  I want to be the one who takes care of her.  I really wish I could turn back the clock and never have breathed a word to anyone about her being a virgin.”

“Yeah, Sam came clean and said he overheard us in the gym that day.  He was just trying to get into that chick’s pants.  I told him he committed a huge transgression against the bro code.” 

“It was something Kate was very sensitive about, and I should have kept my damn mouth shut.”  He took another drink of whiskey, wincing as it burned going down his throat. 

Jack took the bottle and the shot glass from Clem.  “Clem, I’m saying this as your friend, so remember that before you decide to harm me.  If growing old with Katelyn is something you really want, I think it’s only fair to let her go.  You know the old adage, ‘if you love someone, set them free’?  Let the rest of the male population have a crack at her, and then she’ll realize what a prize you actually are,” Jack finished with a laugh, but Clem wasn’t even cracking a smile.  “Okay, that was a bad joke.  The point I’m trying to make is, let her experience life.  If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

Jack’s words left Clem fighting off a multitude of emotions.  Rage with the thought of Katelyn giving herself to anyone but him.  Regret for causing her any pain at all.  And finally, acceptance, because he knew Jack was right.  Letting her go was the best thing for her.  He resolved to focus on his career and build a stable life for himself.  If they did happen to cross paths again one day, which Clem would try his damnedest to make it happen in one way or another, then he hoped he’d be able to convince her at that time to give him another chance.  Just once more.

Chapter 8

At the end of the excruciatingly long meeting, which took up the entire day as they planned out the delegation of tasks and the use of resources, Katelyn numbly gathered her things and went out the door with Marc. They headed around a corner, with her offering brief one word replies to his many comments, which she obviously wasn't listening to at all.  All she could think about was the devastation she had overcome when he’d left town the first time, all those years ago.  It’s amazing she hadn’t made herself dehydrated with the buckets of tears she’d cried.  She had only sustained on ice cream for a few days, and had barely left her bedroom.  The agent of that misery had just waltzed back into her life, and she couldn’t escape him now, no matter how much she wanted to. 

Ushering her into an empty conference room, Marc put his things down and stepped in front of her, slouching to look straight into her eyes. "Katelyn? Are you okay? You've barely said anything all day. I was just waiting for you to hit that McKinley Tech guy with a barrage of demands."

"What? Oh, well -- I'm sure there will be plenty of time for comments and complaints. He'll be around for months," Katelyn said weakly, trying to muster up a convincing smile.

Knowing they were out of sight, Marc slipped his arms around her, kissing her forehead.  Feeling like her body would give out at any moment, she leaned into Marc’s arms, allowing his strength to support her.

She wasn’t much for physical affection, and Marc certainly wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass by.  He tucked her in close and gently rubbed her back, pleased that she would turn to him.  Speaking softly, he said, "Darling, are you sure you're okay? I've never seen you so ruffled. Is it because of that Clem guy? What’s the story there?  Were you two together or something?"

Or something, she thought. Should she tell Marc that Clem was her first love? That she had mourned the loss of him as if he had left the earth, instead of just Arkansas? That it had taken her two years to get back out there and try dating again? That she measured every man she'd been involved with since up to Clem, including Marc, and not one of them had come close to effecting her the way Clem had? And apparently, the way he still did, if her racing heart and the butterflies in her stomach were any indication.

Clem had broken away from the group and followed Marc and Katelyn unnoticed to their present location. He leaned his back against the wall, holding his breath in anticipation of her answer. If Marc had to ask, that meant Katelyn hadn't mentioned him to Marc before. At first, Clem thought perhaps that their relationship couldn't be very serious if she wasn't divulging that part of her life story to Marc, but then he realized that it could mean she considered her relationship with Clem too insignificant to mention. Clem squeezed his eyes shut and hoped to God the latter wasn't the case.

Deciding that the truth was probably the best way to go, Katelyn leaned against the table and folded her hands in her lap.  “Clem Bryant and I were in a relationship, seven years ago.  I met him right before I graduated from nursing school.  We were together a very short time, but it was…very special,” she said with little outward emotion, staring into her hands.

Swallowing, Marc sat down next to her.  “What happened?”

Taking a deep breath, Katelyn looked forward and continued.  “He received a very good job offer, in California.  He asked me to go with him, and I asked him for time to think about it.  I decided that I needed to focus on getting my career started instead of pinning my hopes on someone I barely knew.  It may seem like a cold and callous way to react to ending a relationship, but I had never been in one before that, so I figured it out as I went along.”

As Clem heard Katelyn speak of their time together in such a detached way, it almost made him regret coming back to her at all.  He fought the urge to walk away in self-preservation, but his curiosity about this interaction between Marc and Katelyn left him planted in the shadows, eavesdropping on their every word. 

Marc was taken aback by her admission.  They had been casually dating for about six weeks, but she was very slow to move onto the next step.  He had always assumed that she had been in a relationship that had ended badly in the past.  Obviously, things had gone south with this Bryant guy.  Perhaps Marc still had a chance with Katelyn.  He’d never attempted to date someone at the office, but he’d also never had anyone as gorgeous as Katelyn show interest in him, either.  If he had any hope of winning her heart, he’d have to be here for her as she dealt with whatever emotional response resulted from this past love coming back into her life. 

Marc stood, pulled Katelyn to her feet, and wrapped his arms around her, planting a tender kiss on her lips as her hands came to rest on his chest.  “Well, I don’t think you should waste time on thinking about the past.”  He palmed her face, rubbing his thumb along her cheekbone and looking deep into her eyes as he continued with a husky whisper.  “Any man would have to be insane to even think of leaving you.  You are a very successful, incredibly sexy, amazing woman, and I feel so damn lucky to have you in my life.”  He kissed her again, holding her face in his hands while their mouths moved together.  He glided his tongue across her lips, begging for entry, which she willingly gave him without thought.               

Katelyn was lost in the sensation of being in Marc’s arms, the emotions from the day leaving her feeling practically unstable and swept up in the confusion of the moment.  Suddenly, an overhead page for the Code Blue team to answer a distress call on the eighth floor brought them both back to reality.  She stepped away from him, obviously flustered from their passionate kiss and furious with herself for being so reckless at work. 

“Marc,” she said, with breathless humiliation, “this was incredibly irresponsible.  I don’t want anyone to accuse either one of us of being unprofessional.” 

“You are right,” he said, though he was not completely successful at hiding his irritation.  “I apologize.  Let me make it up to you.  Dinner tonight?”

She hesitated for a moment, thinking about rejecting his offer, but she smiled and agreed. 
Perhaps spending time with Marc will keep my mind off of Clem.

“That sounds wonderful,” she said, her enthusiasm noticeably bordering on over the top. 
This feels wrong.  Marc doesn’t deserve to be someone’s consolation prize. 
“I’m going to head to the gym first and then I’ll go home and get ready.  Do you want to get a table at our usual place and I’ll meet you there?”

As they made arrangements to meet later and gathered their things, Clem ducked away quickly into a dark room.  He felt like a heel for listening to their private moment, and he was even more disgusted with himself for being almost thankful for the interruption of the Code Blue, knowing that the alert meant someone’s life was hanging in the balance.  Listening to her soft moans on the other side of the wall, he had closed his eyes and remembered back to a time when he had been the only man on Earth to know that sound she made when she was lost in pleasure.  Hearing Marc slam him for leaving her made his blood boil.  Clem knew then that Marc was not going to back down from this fight.  Marc had the advantage of knowing her intimately as she is now, not the college girl she was seven years ago.   He was acquainted with her favorite escapes from her very stressful life, giving him home field advantage.  Clem could only hope that their history together would mean he still held some special, albeit hidden, place in her heart, and that somehow he’d be able to make it back into her life completely.