Once Written, Twice Shy (The Broken Men Chronicles) (12 page)

The man walked out and I walked toward the window.

I turned and peered at my son’s sleeping form and
fought the lump in my throat.

I couldn’t believe it.  I was possibly going to
lose my son—my life, my
raison d’être
—in the worse possible way.  He was
the little miracle that had always managed to put a smile on my face no matter
how grim life could get at times and I might have an accelerated expiry date to
the time I could spend with him.  Parents should never be able to lose their
kids.  It’s just not natural.

“I need some air,” I said to Julie, that lump in
my throat had rapidly grown into a thick ball, threatening to choke me altogether. 
“Will you be okay?”

She nodded and for the first time since before our
separation, she hugged me.  We might not have agreed on much, and for that
divorce had resulted but there was one thing we both loved unconditionally.  It
was the little boy lying in that bed, losing his life before us.  We clutched
at each other, no words needed as we soaked every bit of comfort that we could
from the other.

“I think you should call her,” she said and
sniffled.  I backed away, shock all too evident on my face as I knew she had
meant Alissa.  “Don’t look at me like that.  Jasper talks about her all the
time lately.  She needs to know too, Pax, and as much as you’ll probably say
you don’t, you need the support right now.  That’s where you were, wasn’t it?”

I hadn’t known what to say.  Nodding, I left the
room and headed for the nearest exit.  Reaching for my phone, I dialed Alissa’s
number.

Much like over a month ago, I stood in the airport
waiting for Alissa’s arrival.  After we spoke the previous night, she refused
to stay home despite my numerous protests that I was able to deal.  Thinking of
it now however, I know that my protests hadn’t been strong-willed.

“Everyone has someone but you,” she’d said.

I had pondered that for a few minutes while on the
line with her.  She did have a point and as much as I hated to say it, so did
my ex.  Despite that, I had argued against it until I thought of Jasper and
what he would want.  The meningitis could be what claimed him before the cancer
ever had a chance to do so and as much as I claimed to be strong enough, this
wasn’t the time to assert my pride and display my strength.  It was about doing
what was right for my son and what was right was to have everyone he cared
about surrounding him.

I looked up and there she was running toward me
with her purse and bag in hand.  If I said the embrace I had with Julie
yesterday was comforting, it had nothing on the emotional release brought forth
by Alissa’s arms.  I finally felt as if it was okay to let go somehow but I
chose to wait until we had found some privacy.

“Has he woken up yet?”

I held on to her.  “Not yet,” I said into her hair,
“Julie said she’d give me a call if he did.”

She backed away, palmed and studied my face.  “You
haven’t slept at all, have you?”

“No,” I said.  Declaring that I couldn’t bring
myself to leave Jasper didn’t need to be said, she knew why.  “I stayed behind
so Todd and Julie could go home and get a bit of rest.”

“I think we should go home and get you a few winks
before you go back,” she said.

“I won’t be able to sleep.”

She rubbed the sides of my upper arms.  “How ‘bout
you try?  I’ll be right there.”  I nodded, too exhausted to protest.

***

I walked out of the bathroom after a quick shower
and found her sitting on my bed waiting for me.  She pushed the blankets to the
side and motioned for me to get in beside her.

I laid my head on the tops of her breasts and she
wrapped her arms around me and that’s when the first sob raked my body.  For
the first time since I had been a child, I realized that showing weakness
wasn’t all that bad.

I felt her fingers brush through my hair and
listened to the calm rhythm of her heart beats before she pressed her lips to the
crown of my head, whispering assurances that she was there for me every so
often but remained mostly quiet until the surge had passed.

“Close your eyes, baby,” she said.  I shimmied
down so my head lay on her stomach and wrapped my arms around her torso.  Soon
enough, I felt myself drift off.

I came to in the same position I had fallen asleep
in.  Alissa was rubbing my back.  Despite the trauma of the last two days, I managed
a smile at the comfort she offered.

“What time is it?” I asked with a sleepy voice.

“A little before one,” she said.  I bolted,
sitting upright.  I felt like I had slept the day away.  “Relax, Julie hasn’t
called.”  She proceeded to scoot out of the bed.  I grabbed her and pulled her
down so she lay on her back and I towered over her from her side.

“Thank you,” I said and kissed her before pulling away
so I could look into her face.  “I know I said I would’ve been fine without you
here but honestly-”

“There’s no way I would have let you deal with
this alone.  I would have showed up on your doorstep whether you agreed to me
coming or not,” she said.  “Now get dressed so you can go back there and see
your son.”

“You’re coming,” I said with finality that
brokered no argument.

“I don’t think…what will…what will Julie say?”

I hadn’t told her that Julie had been the one who
recommended I call her in the first place.  I saw it as a test my ex was
issuing.  She wanted validation as to what kind of woman Alissa was and I was
hell bent on making sure my woman passed that exam with flying colors.

“I have a sneaking suspicion that she’ll be fine,”
I said.

She eyed me and said, “Please elaborate.”

“It seems Jasper has been bringing up your name at
Julie and Todd’s,” I said.  “Julie recommended that I call you before I left
the room to do just that.”  I chuckled dryly at her look of incredulity and
pulled her into my arms when her eyes grew watery despite her smile.

***

Forty minutes later, we were walking through the
hospital doors.  I escorted her to Jasper’s room but she insisted I go in alone
at first; she wanted to ready herself before going in.

Julie’s eyes held a questioning gaze.

“She’s out in the hall,” I said. 
And I
honestly can’t blame her.

My ex sighed.  “I owe her an apology,” Julie said
and Todd gave her shoulder a squeeze.  “I’ve said some awful things and it
wasn’t until Jasper started talking about her all the time that I realized that
she was more than just a fling to you.”

“Julie-”

She held up her hand.  “I know that you don’t
sleep around.  I’ve always known that, Pax,” she said.  “She was right when she
said that I was terrified.  I was trying to hold on to a family I no longer had
and I was the one to blame for it.  I had no right.  I wanted to be the only
woman in Jasper’s life but-”

“Jasper will always be your son and you his
mother.”  We all turned to see Alissa standing in the doorway.

Julie walked up to grab her in a tight hug. 
Alissa looked at me, her eyes bulging out of her skull at Julie’s actions while
she patted her in awkwardness.

“Thanks for coming,” Julie said and let go of her
to grab Todd’s outstretched hand.  “We’ll give you some time.  Be back later.”

***

I was coming back with coffee for Allie and me
when I heard her voice.  She was talking to Jasper and so I leaned onto the
room’s threshold and kept vigil on the pair.

“…so Jasper, honey, I need you to wake up for me,”
she said.  “Mommy and Daddy would like to see those beautiful bright green eyes
of yours.  We miss you and that smile, sweetie.  What about our pancake
dates?”  Her voice cracked, sending a jolt of pain to my heart.  “I need
someone to pour those blueberries for me.  And who else would help me make a
big mess?”  She began to sob softly into the edge of the mattress.  “We all
need you, Jasper.”

I walked over to her, set down our cups and turned
her to face me.  I cradled her cheek and she buried her face in my chest,
clutching at my shirt.  I couldn’t help the tears that sprung to my eyes as we
held on tight to each other.

“Allie?”

My head snapped toward the bed.  “Jasper,” I said,
my heart thumping like crazy.  I was quick to let go of Alissa and page the
doctor before rushing back to my son’s bedside.

“Hi, handsome,” Alissa said and cupped his pale
cheek and pulled her hand back to wipe at her tear stained cheeks.  “I’ve
missed you.”

My little boy smiled weakly.  “You came back,” he said
and coughed a few times.

“Of course I did, no one can keep me away from
you, silly,” she said.

I smiled at their exchange before hugging her with
one arm and kissing her temple.

“How are you feeling, buddy?” I asked.

“My head hurts but I’m okay,” he said.

“You scared me, tough guy,” I said and leaned over
to kiss his forehead.  “I love you, son.”

Saying those three little words was no longer enough
now that I felt as if I had a deadline for reminding him of how I’ve felt about
him since before he was born.

“I love you too, Daddy.”

***

Doctor Messing came in and ran a variety of
cognitive and diagnostic tests.  After a lengthy waiting frame, he announced
that Jasper’s meningitis was losing strength and that his antibiotics were
working.  I couldn’t have been more relieved other than if Messing had divulged
that Jasper’s JMML had been cured but it wasn’t the case.

Armed with a variety of prescription medications
for him, Jasper would be able to head home in a few days, provided he fared
well throughout his time in the hospital and that we brought him back every day
for an assessment—a small price to pay to have him at home with us.  Jasper was
to be put on pill chemotherapy despite being informed that the treatment would
most likely not cure him.  It rarely did with JMML.  If anything, it would help
stall the progression until a suitable treatment plan was decided upon for him
while we weighed our options.  There weren’t many but more than enough to make
one’s head spin.

***

The drive home had been one filled with silence. 
I couldn’t get past the fact that out of all of us, Alissa had been the one to
bring Jasper out of that frightening sleep.  I grabbed Alissa’s hand and kissed
her knuckles.

“You’re amazing,” I said.

She looked over at me and offered a bright smile. 
“So I keep hearing,” she said and winked.  “If you guys keep praising me as
this miracle healer, I swear I’ll develop a complex.”

“I never asked.  When are you here until?”

Her nose scrunched up.  “I have to go back
tomorrow.  That conference I’ve been working on starts on Wednesday and runs
until the end of next week.”

I nodded.  “We’ll have to make sure that Jasper
gets his pancakes in before you leave,” I said and smiled.

She giggled.  “That we can definitely arrange,”
she said, “maybe I’ll even make extras to bring to the nurses.”

The moon and stars were out and peaked through the
darkness.  I remembered I still had a blanket in the back of the SUV from my picnic
with Jasper, last week—last week, when everything was perfect and normal.
 
Sure,
it was a little after eleven but I wasn’t in a rush to get home just yet.  With
a quick right turn, I headed toward the beach.

“I thought we were going home,” she turned to me
with an inquiring gaze, “why are we at the beach?”

“I was thinking we make a pit stop here first.”  I
parked the car.  “I’m not ready to go home yet.”

I allowed her to exit the car while I grabbed the
blanket from the back.

We made it to the sand, me holding her hand as we
found my favourite spot—the one where I had taken her to a month ago.

“I never pictured you for one to star gaze,” she
said with a hint of humor.

“It’s one of Jasper’s favourite things to do,” I explained
as I lay the blanket down and we lay on our backs looking at the sky.  I
sighed. 
How many more times will I be able to do this with him?

I hadn’t noticed the melancholy lacing my being
but Alissa sure did.  She perched herself up on her elbow and turned her body
toward mine.

“He’s not gone yet, Pax.”  I looked at her. 
“You’ll have many more nights like this before that happens
if
it
happens, even if I have to make sure they do.”

“I know that, baby,” I said, reached up and ran my
fingers through her hair.  “I’m still digesting all of this, I guess.  My mind
won’t stop going back to yesterday when the doctor told us.  It’s a lot to take
in.”

She hummed her agreement and put a hand on my
chest.  “Anything I can do to make it better?”

I eyed her.  “Maybe.”

I fisted her hair and pulled her down to me,
kissing her hard, drowning in the feel of her lips against mine, the sweet
taste of her velvet tongue, the scent of purely her.  I revelled in her flavor
and the comfort she offered.

“Pax…”

“I need you right now,” I said as I pressed her
forehead against mine.

She smiled down at me.  “I’m not going anywhere,
sweetie,” she said and pecked my nose, “at least not until tomorrow night.”

I groaned in remembrance and rolled her onto her
back, towering above her.

“I’m glad I have you for that long at least,” I said
against her lips and gave her a chaste kiss.  “Next time, I might not let you
leave.”

“If it was up to me, I wouldn’t be leaving,” she said
and brushed her lips to mine in that tender way that always made my heart soar.

I traced her lips with the tip of my index finger. 
“I know, gorgeous.”

Her jaw went slack and her eyes darkened.  She grasped
my wrist, turned her head and kissed the palm of my hand.  I shuddered.

“Baby,” she said.

My emotions were swirling, making me dizzy with
the subtle ache of death when all I wanted was a moment of respite, a break
from reality, a brief time to feel alive.  And an idea popped into my head. 
Alissa
needs this too.
  “I love you,” I said.

Before she could reciprocate, I pecked her lips,
gave her a smile, pushed up to my feet and removed my shirt.

She laughed at me as she sat up.  “What are you
doing?”

I smirked down at her.  “Haven’t you heard of a midnight
swim?”

“But we have no suits,” she said and my smirk broadened
into a wide grin when I threw down my shirt and reached for my pants, my hands
stalling on its button.  “Oh…you have got to be kidding me, have you lost your
ever-lovin’ mind?”

“I’m not kidding, and to answer your second
question, no, I’m sane, baby.  You saw how there’s barely anyone here during
the day, we’re all alone, Ms. Hidgins,” I said as I undid my pants, let them
drop and winked at her.

“It’s a public place,” she said but her eyes betrayed
her with the amusement and hunger burning inside them.

“Live a little.”  I dropped my underwear.  “You coming?”

“We have no towels,” she persisted.

“We have a blanket.”  I pointed to it.  “Now get
naked with me, you know you want to.”

She opened her mouth as if to say something else
and then shut it.  I took off running towards the water and dove in once I got
up to my waist.

I heard the splash from behind me when I
surfaced.  Alissa was keeping beneath the surface of the water as she made her
way toward me.  I chuckled at how cute she looked, trying to keep any wandering
eyes from seeing her goods.  I grabbed her arm and pulled her to me when she
got close enough.