Once Written, Twice Shy (The Broken Men Chronicles) (14 page)

“Allie!” Jasper squealed, waking me with a jump.  I
heard his light-weighted footsteps make their way to my bedside.

Had I not grabbed on to Alissa, I would have had a
lot to explain to my four-year-old about the birds and the bees and the fact
that
Daddy’s friend
was lying in his arms, naked as the day she was
born.  She looked up at me and clutched the sheets, wrapping them around
herself as a slight blush overtook her exposed skin.

“Why hello there, handsome,” she said with a smile
and extended a hand to ruffle his hair as he giggled.  “Glad to see your
gorgeous hair is growing back.”

I grabbed my underwear and shoved them on under
the sheets before standing up.

“Hey buddy, why don’t you come and help me out in
the kitchen?” I asked.

“But I want to stay here with Allie,” he said. 
Alissa and I laughed at his pouting expression.

“It’s okay, Jasper,” she said, “I’ll be right out
in a minute.  I just have to go to the little girls’ room and then what do you
say we have ourselves some pancake fun?”

“Okay,” he said excitedly and as he escorted me
out of the room, he turned to me and said, “Daddy, what’s a
little girls’
room
?”

I could hear Alissa’s giggle in the background.

“How ‘bout I let her tell you all about it?” I asked.

When Alissa had come to join us moments later,
Jasper didn’t hesitate to jump on her about the topic.

“It’s another way of meaning the bathroom,
sweetie,” she explained.

“Is it because you paint your face in there when
you stay here?” he asked.  Neither Alissa nor I were able to keep a straight
face.

“Sure.”  She decided to leave it at that.

***

Blueberry pancake fest was a hit as always and
seeing as Jasper was beginning to show signs of difficulty breathing and joint
weakness, we opted for a quiet day in.

I popped a movie in while Jasper weaseled himself
between us and instead of doing what he normally did which was cuddle into me,
he cradled himself under Alissa’s arm.

Alissa looked at me and gave me the largest
satisfied grin.  I laughed.  “Traitor.”  I poked at Jasper.

“Hey,” Alissa said, “it’s his turn.  I’ll make
sure you have yours later.”

“Yeah, Daddy, she’s my girlfriend,” Jasper said
with a loud wheeze.

“What?”  I held a hand in mock shock in front of
my mouth.  “Where did you learn all about that?”

“Todd told me,” he paused to take a breath, “that
Mommy and he were boyfriend and girlfriend until he asked her to marry him.” 
He took another breath and grimaced.  “Then he explained that after,” another
wheezing pause, “the wedding, she’ll be his wife,” he said with a wheezed cough. 
Alissa looked at me worried.  I shook my head to let her know that it was
normal but his coloring kept me on guard.

“Is that so, handsome?” Alissa asked and gave him
a small squeeze.

He nodded.  “You’re Daddy’s friend, right?” he asked
and sucked in hard-earned air as she nodded.  “And you’re a girl too.  Does
that make you his girlfriend?”

“You got it, buddy,” I said while looking at
Alissa and smiling.  She beamed.

“Does it mean that Allie will be your wife someday?” 
He coughed a bit more and took the glass of water I offered him.

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” she said before
kissing the top of his head.  I could tell her emotions were getting the better
of her.

“You could be my other mommy,” he said and my
heart beat wild as if a stampede was going on behind my rib-cage.

“Oh, Jasper,” Alissa said chocked up.

She wasn’t meeting my eye and I couldn’t blame her
because the lump was growing in my throat as I tried to fight the tears too. 
The wisdom this four-year-old possessed was beyond what he comprehended but he
knew of the basics.  He understood that I loved her because I had told him so
and he knew that from love, things could evolve to something greater.

Alissa excused herself and headed toward the
kitchen.  Jasper looked confused for a slight moment and he lay down in the
spot where Alissa had been sitting in.  Within minutes, he was out like a light
and his color was back despite the subtle wheeze that popped up every couple of
breaths.  The morning’s events had taken their toll on his ailing body; more
than I wanted to see.

When Alissa hadn’t returned after five minutes, I
covered Jasper with the couch’s throw and headed to find her.  She was bent
over the sink, her hands braced on its edge, breathing deeply.

The tightness in my chest came back and I
struggled to find the words.  Instead, I walked to her, touched her shoulder. 
She turned around and buried her face in my chest.  My arms wrapped around her
as her body was racked with sobs.

“He’s okay, Allie,” I said against her hair and I
rubbed her back fighting my own tears.

“I’m sorry.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she
said.  “I should be the strong one here.”  She sniffled.

“You don’t have to be strong all the time, sweetheart,”
I said.  She took a deep breath and I felt her relax more in my arms conceding
to her weakness.

“I didn’t expect it to have gotten that bad,” she said. 
“You said he was getting worse but it’s a shock when you haven’t seen any of it
for a while.  He’s so frail looking but it wasn’t until-”

“It’s one of Jasper’s bad days, sweetie,” I said. 
“He’s normally not like this.”

“I know.  I wasn’t prepared for that,” she said
and backed away.  “It’s scary.”  She lifted her eyes to mine and held them as I
leaned her back against the counter.  I grabbed her face between my palms and
let my thumbs wipe the remainder of her tears away.

“Are you sure that’s all that was about?” I asked
while watching her, attentive for any signs of withdrawal.

Instead, I was met with her lips against mine, which
bore sweet conviction.  “Yeah, it’s all,” she said and gave me a sad smile.  “I
can’t believe that son of yours.”  I gave her a curious look.  “I knew he was a
smart cookie but when did he get that wise and all-knowing about
relationships?”

“I don’t know but it scares me.  I guess I have
Todd to thank for that huh?”

I took in her puffy eyes, her flushed face and
parted lips.  No matter what state she was in, her beauty always shone through.

“Will you be okay with all of this?” I asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she said defensively.  “I
love that boy in there.”  She pointed toward the living room.  “It doesn’t
matter if he’s healthy or sick; if he has a good day or a bad one.  It’s…it’s
like he’s my own, Pax.”  She tried to push past me.

“Hey!  Hey!  Baby, calm down,” I said as I grabbed
her arm and pulled her back to face me.

“Don’t you tell me to calm down, Paxton Lowell,” she
said, trying to keep her voice low so she wouldn’t be overheard and punctuated
her words with a shove at my chest but I didn’t move.

“I was only making sure that this wouldn’t be too
much for you,” I said and held on to her shoulders to prevent her from pulling
back more.

“And it’s not for you?” she asked and her body
relaxed.  “Pax-”

“Sometimes it is and that’s why I needed to ask you,”
I said.  “Promise me that if it gets to be too much, you’ll let me know.”

“And I expect the same,” she said.  “You’re not in
this alone, baby.”

I smiled.  “You’ve got it, gorgeous.”

“Now kiss me,” she said, returning my smile.  I
brushed the strands of hair that had fallen from her ponytail, tucking them
behind her ear before cupping her cheek and indulging her in her request.

“Daddy,” Jasper said with a loud wheeze as he came
into the room while our lips were fused in passion.

I pulled away and looked at Jasper who now stood
in the kitchen entrance watching us and rubbing at his tired eyes.  His color
had a definite blue tint and it looked as if it was progressing to a deeper
shade of the latter.

This isn’t good.

I rushed to his side and bent down to feel his
forehead and inspect him closer.  “He’s burning up,” I said to Alissa.  “Are
you okay, son?”  He shook his head indicating the negative but the rumbling
sound from his chest combined with his loud wheeze just about made me lose my
cool.  This wasn’t like the other times at all. 
God help me.
  “We need
to get you to the hospital, buddy,” I said.  Alissa nodded frantically with
wide eyes when I looked at her.  “Let’s go, little man.”

When I had Jasper settled in the car with Alissa
at his side in the backseat, I knew I had one more difficult task at hand.  I
had to call Julie.  For the first time, it was I who had to deliver the news
about the negative progression of our son’s fatal disease.  I now understood how
Julie had felt every time she’d picked up the phone to make the call I was
about to make.

The week had gone by in a flash.  Jasper had been
hospitalized with a severe pneumonia and had nearly ended up on a ventilator to
assist his breathing.

I came home alone from a meeting with Messing to
find Alissa on her laptop with a bit of music in the background.  I smiled at
the look of concentration on her face.  She had failed to notice my arrival.  “What
is it that you’re working on that’s got all of your attention?” I asked as I
came to a stop in front of her.

She jumped and gave me a concerned look.  “How’d
it go?”

“As good as could be expected,” I said and she
nodded in understanding.  Her eyes averted themselves from me and flew to her
computer screen.  “So, you never answered my question.”

“What?”  Her eyes snapped back to mine.  It was
clear that she was preoccupied with whatever she was working on.

“Must have been some decent writing spree you were
on if your head is up in the clouds,” I said.  I let myself fall back on the
couch and leaned over to kiss her cheek.

“I wasn’t writing,” she said.

“You weren’t?”  She shook her head and then I
noticed the look of guilt cross her features.  “What-”

“I know you think that I’ve been writing all week
long because that’s what I let you believe but I haven’t been.  Truth is, I
haven’t written a word in a month,” she said.

“Sweetheart, you’re scaring me,” I said and turned
my body toward her as I sat up straighter.  I could see that she was
conflicted.  “What is it?  Should I be worried?”

“I’ve been looking up on things, researching,” she
said and then she showed me.  Baffled at what I was seeing on her laptop screen,
I couldn’t help but wonder why she felt so guilty but more than that, why she
felt she had to keep something like this hidden until now.

Before me, there were oodles of information on stem-cell
research.  It looked like there might just be hope after all.

“I can’t believe this,” I said as I scrolled down
from one screen to the next.  “Why didn’t you say you were looking into this?” 
I turned to her.

“Because I didn’t want to give you false hope,” she
said.  “I wanted to be sure before I brought it to you and Julie.  Your hearts
were broken once already.  There’s no way I’d be the one to break it a second
time.”

“This is so much better than a marrow harvest and transplant.”
 I smiled.  “I’m calling Julie and then Messing right now to tell him about
this.  If anything, I know that we’ve kept Jasper’s cord blood so they can get
right to it.”

Alissa left me alone and went to the kitchen to
start dinner.  I left a message on Julie’s voicemail and then put a call in
with Messing.  He agreed to meet with us tomorrow to discuss what Alissa had
found as well as our next course of action as soon as Jasper was cleared of his
pneumonia.  Time was no longer a luxury we could afford.

I followed my nose to the wonderful aroma of
spices and meat and found Alissa stirring a rather sizeable pot of what I
presumed to be spaghetti sauce.  I wrapped my arms around her and smiled into
the side of her neck.

“Thank you,” I said as if it wasn’t enough.

“It’s nothing,” she said and squeezed her cheek
into the side of my face while keeping up with the stirring.

“
Nothing
?” I asked as I kissed the inside
of her neck before turning her to face me and pulling her away from the stove. 
“Allie, do you not realize what you’ve done?”

“I did what anyone else would,” she said as if her
actions were less than significant.

“No, you didn’t,” I said.  “No one would have done
what you did, honey.  We’ve all been sitting here worried out of our minds,
caring for Jasper and while you were doing the same, you held hope that maybe
there was something we had overlooked.”  My hand cupped her cheek.  “Baby,
whether this works out or not we’ll have known we’ve done all we could have
done.  This stem-cell thing…the success rates are higher than the old school methods.” 
I wiped the single tear that had fallen from her eye.

“It’s not like it’s a new thing, Pax,” she said. 
“Messing told you that he wanted to discuss further options.  For all we know,
he was going to mention what I found.”

“But you mentioned it first, baby.”

***

That night, I found myself watching over a
sleeping Alissa.  This woman who lay in peaceful slumber beside me had managed
to worm her way into my head, then warm me physically beyond a boiling point,
and fill my heart.  I was bewitched.  If I had to choose words to describe her,
I would need an entire thesaurus and then some to give anyone a true glimpse of
what I saw when I looked at her.

“You’re really beginning to freak me out with that
staring,” she said with a sleep-hazed voice before opening her eyes and smiling
up at me.  “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I can’t.  I’ve got too much going on in my head,”
I said and yawned.

“Come here.”  She pulled me so my head lay on her
shoulder by her breast.  “Just close your eyes and forget it all, you’ll know
more about things tomorrow.”

Her fingers played with the hair at the nape of my
neck and within seconds, I felt sleep take me and the faint feel of her warm
lips on my forehead.

***

We sat in the office waiting for Doctor Messing to
join us.  I refused to let Alissa stay home.  She deserved to be part of this
whole thing.  As far as I was concerned, she was family too.

“I understand that you’ve beat me to the punch
about stem-cells?”  Doctor Messing said and looked down at the stack of papers
I had printed out and brought with Alissa and me that morning.  “Judging by
your reactions, it seems like you’re all in accord with going through with the
procedure.  Mr. Lowell, I understand by yesterday’s conversation over the phone
that you’ve told me that when Jasper was born, you had his cord blood stored?”

I nodded.  Julie flinched from the corner of my
eye.

I turned toward her.  “Julie, are you alright?”

“I did something,” she said and a guilty look
crossed her face.

“What did you do, Julie?” I asked and I knew it
wasn’t going to be good.  Not good at all.

“I had the bank release it,” she said.

I shot up to my feet.  “What?”

“Well, he was always so healthy and the place
charged so much-”

“Julie, that was a joint decision,” I said.  “Why
didn’t I know about this?  He’s my child too!”

“Because I knew how you’d react,” she said.

“And-”

“It’s not at all uncommon for parents to do what
Julie’s done.  I agree, the fees are astronomical and something ought to be
done about that.  I suggest we put this to rest and you two can deal with it in
your own time.  Regardless, it’s not all at a loss,” Doctor Messing said and
instead of laying it on thicker to Julie, I took a breath and sat back down.  The
man was right.  Alissa grabbed my hand and squeezed it and my anger eased
slightly.  “I can look through the databases and see if we can find something
that way with regards to research donations.  If not, then I’m afraid that we
have one last resort and it’s spinal marrow which you’ll need to be tested to
see if you’re suitable matches for Jasper.  If you fail to be, Jasper will have
to be entered onto our recipient waiting list.  Unfortunately, we don’t have
research programs for regular marrow donations.  Now, if you’ll all excuse me,
I have a patient assessment I need to be looking into and thanks to you folks,
a fair bit of calls to make.  I’m thinking I should have an answer to you by
the end of this week if all goes well and we’ll be able to move forward from
there.”