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Pax looks like I've
slapped him.
Good
. I want him to hurt. "You've got it all
wrong, Jules. I-"

"The only thing I
want from you is the truth. What is she to you?" I demand,
emphasizing each word with a forward step. Pax stumbles back, a dazed
look on his face as if he can't believe this is really happening. I
stare into his eyes, refusing to let him tear his gaze away.

There are several
moments of silence before he answers. "She’s my
ex-girlfriend," he answers quietly. My heart clenches. Maybe a
part of me always knew, but hearing him say it aloud was more hurtful
than I'd ever imagined. "She was the girl who saw my parents and
me on the road. She called 911. She walked over to us, held my hand,
and waited with me until the paramedics arrived. She saved my life,
Jules," he confesses softly, his eyes shining with pain. "She
introduced me to Hearts of Love. She helped me get better. I had
trouble walking in the beginning. She visited every day, helped me
when I fell, fed me when I refused to eat. It was a dark time for me.
And she," he swallowed. "She wanted to be the light."

Slowly, I close my
eyes, unable to look at his face, unable to hear any more of this. In
that second, I feel my whole world slipping away, drifting as if it
was never real. Maybe it wasn't.

"I tried to make
it work with her. She loved me so much. In my own way I loved her as
well," he admits. I tremble. "I stayed with her for a year
and a half. I tried to make it work," he repeats as if he's
trying to convince himself. "I tried to show her love the way
she was showing to me, but I just
couldn't
. It got to a point
where I was making up excuses not to see her. I was lying about where
I was going. I knew it hurt her, but I couldn't stop. I held on
because I felt obligated to hold on. She was the woman who'd help
save my life. I owed her. I needed to stay."

He looks away. "I'm
ashamed of what I did, Jules. I made us both miserable for a long
time because I was too much of a coward to leave. Eventually, I
decided to grow some balls. I know how short life can be. Did I want
to waste it doing this? Did I want to waste
her
life by doing
this? So I ended it. I walked away."

I'm crying now. There
are no thoughts in my head, only pain in my heart.

"The truth is,"
he continues, "Alaina still thinks she's in love with me. She
thinks we should get back together." I flinch. The words make me
sick. "But I know she's wrong. Deep in her heart she doesn't
want to get back with me. She doesn't," he insists when he sees
my expression of disbelief. "I'm her first love, and the first
man who didn't succumb to her charms right away. She sees me as a
challenge she has to conquer. The truth is if I was happy with her,
if we were just a normal couple, she'd have broken it off by now.
She's a chaser, a go getter. Once she gets you, she becomes bored and
eventually moves on to her next challenge."

His voice lowers. "She
doesn't love me, Jules. I'm a thing she wants. That's all I ever was
and all I'll ever be." His hand touches my face. I squeeze my
eyes tighter together. I can't bear to look at him. "Jules,
please. I love you. Please don't do this."

I pretend my heart
isn't breaking. I pretend my body's not begging for more of his
touch. "A man who loves me wouldn't be kissing another woman,"
I finally reply in the coldest voice I can muster. Anger pulses
through my body, radiating all around me. My eyes open, as icy as the
arctic. "A man who loves me wouldn't keep secrets from me."

He laughs, a thick and
angry sound. "Like you didn't keep secrets from me? As if
your
past isn't worse than mine?"

How dare he bring up
Gonzales and Braidon? How dare he use what I've done to talk about
our relationship? "That has
nothing
to do with our
relationship. Nothing," I gesture, waving my hand. "I never
loved anyone but you."

"So the only men
you'll date are men who haven't dated other women before?" he
asks. "That's ridiculous and you know it," he dismisses
before I can reply.

My anger bursts. "I
don't care. Don't you see?
I. Don't. Care!
"

"Stop acting
immature. You're being unreasonable."

"Stop acting like
a man whore!"

"It was an
accident, and I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?" he
asks angrily. "
She
stepped into
me
.
She
put
her lips on
me
.
She
held onto
me
.
I
broke
away.
I
pushed her back!"

"Oh, I'm sure you
worked
real
hard to push her back," I retort, feeling
more rage rise up. The waves of anger are never ending, only growing
higher the longer we speak.

"Jules, I was in a
room with hundreds of people! There were cameras everywhere. I
couldn't have just shoved her back, not with my size. She would have
fallen, and gotten hurt. They call that abuse you know!"

"Oh, that's just
great!" I shout. "You can't push back a woman from kissing
you because it would be
abuse
!" Men are such liars, such
chicken shit!

Pax has the decency to
look a little embarrassed. "The kiss lasted five seconds, tops!
It meant nothing! I'd take it back in a moment if I could."

"Well, you can't!
You can't turn back time to erase what you've done," I spit out.
I feel lightheaded, reckless. "You know, Braidon might have been
crazy and obsessive, but he never
ever
cheated on me. Ever."

"Oh, so now you're
comparing me to your psychotic killer ex-boyfriend and thinking he's
the better man?"

"If the shoe
fits."

Pax looks disgusted.
His eyes are stormy. He's a breath away from losing his cool. He
inhales, his body trembling slightly. "I know you're hurt, but
this is a hurdle we can get through if you're willing to be
reasonable-"

"I don't negotiate
with cheaters." My eyes blaze. He's so near to the edge. I want
to tip him over. I want to make him fall. "I don't want to see
you ever again. Got that? Never."

There's a myriad of
emotions on his face. Surprise. Hurt. Pain. Anger. The silence is
immeasurable as we stare at one another, hurting each other with our
gazes. Then his expression darkens, reminding me of violet skies and
gray clouds. "I don't have time to deal with this childish
bullshit. I have a fundraiser to go back to." He turns to walk
away, his lips set in a grim line. The last words he throws over his
shoulder is: "Grow the fuck up, Jules."

* * *

Anna takes me home that
night. She's a guest of both Pax and Alaina. I tell her to go back,
that I can walk home, but she refuses. I know Pax sent her back for
me. She sends me worried glances the whole way back to my dorm.

Finally, I'm so annoyed
I decide to reply to her unasked question. "It's over," I
tell her, lifting my chin stubbornly. I wait for a reply. Silence
greets my words. "Well?" I demand. "Aren't you going
to say anything? You wanted to know right?"

"I think you're
not ready to hear what I have to say," she begins carefully.
"Right now, you need to be angry at him. You need to ride out
that emotion before you'll be able to listen to the truth."

"You're on his
side," I accuse. "You’re his minion."

"Minion?" Her
eyebrow rises in surprise. "Like the little yellow creatures in
'Despicable Me'?" Light laughter drifts out. "I assure you,
I'm not his 'minion'. I saw what happened. I don't agree with it."
She pauses. "But I also see how he looks at you every day, how
his eyes shine like the sun rises and sets on you. He's never looked
like that at anyone.
Anyone
." She looks pointedly at me.
"You're the first. The only."

I don't think it's
possible but my heart seems to break even more hearing those words. I
feel a tear slip down my cheek. I look out the window. I don't want
her to see me cry. "He shouldn't have done what he did," I
whisper.

"Have you ever
done anything that you regretted?" I flinch. I don't want to
think about her words. I want to be angry. It hurts, but the pain
will keep me going. Pain helps me run away, and right now I
desperately need it. "No one is perfect, Jules," she
continues softly. "Everyone deserves a chance."
Just
like I gave you a chance when you came in, desperate for a job.
"This might be hard to believe, but making mistakes are the best
things that can happen to a person."
Sure, says the lady who
demands perfection at work,
I think sarcastically. "They
make you stronger. Better. And smart people don't usually make the
same mistake twice." She smiles at me. "And I believe Pax
is a
very
smart person."

We don’t say anything
more after that. There's nothing anyone can say that will erase what
happened. I sit in her car, wallowing in self-pity, wondering how
everything went so wrong.

"All right, get
up."

I groan, covering my
ears with my palms. Someone grabs my hands and pulls them over my
head. "Hey!" I protest. "I'm trying to sleep here!"

"You've been
sleeping your days and nights away for two weeks. I didn't even know
it was possible to
do
that. You're turning into a zombie right
before my eyes and we can't wait and watch it anymore."

"That's right,"
Alex chimes in, his deep voice disapproving. "You're more white
than normal, and even when you come into work you're quiet and
withdrawn. We don't like this new Jules. We want the old one back."

"Technically, this
is
the old Jules," I mutter, remembering how I was when
Grandma passed. I was mourning a loved one then, and I'm mourning a
loved one now. Pax has tried to contact me a few times via email. He
even came down to my dorm the first week after our big fight. I
refused to see him and threatened never speak to Nat again if she let
him in, so she chose not to get involved, shooting me disapproving
glares every time he texted that he was downstairs.

Everyone wants me to
forgive him, even Anna. What they don't understand is that trust is
important to me. I've only ever trusted one person the way I trusted
Pax, and he broke it with his actions that night at the fundraiser.

"Bill would like
to meet with you today," Nat tells me. Quickly, I become somber.
Since I don't have a cell phone, Nat's been acting as my secretary,
taking calls from Bill and other people who might need to contact me.
I told her and Alex everything after Pax and I met with Bill. We
agreed it was safer for me to be with other people at all times, and
having more people know would ensure I was never alone. Nat and Alex
have become very close, and Alex is over as much as Pax was. We even
have a toothbrush for him, wrapped in paper towel on top of Nat's
vanity table.

"I took the day
off to be your moral support," Alex announces. I feel a lump in
my throat as I look at his determined face.

"Oh, Alex, you
shouldn't have," I chide him softly. "You need the money."

"You need me
more," he points out gently. It's the kindest tone he's ever
used with me and I pull him closer, hugging him.

"Thank you,"
I whisper, breathing in his sweet scent. "You're the best."

"That's impossible
because if I remember correctly,
I'm
the best," Nat
interjects.

"You both are,"
I correct, pulling her into our hug.

"A three way hug,"
Nat comments, her voice muffled. "It's almost like having a
ménage a trois," Nat declares, putting her hand around my neck.

"Yeah, with two
straight girls and a gay dude. Real sexy." I laugh.

We break away so I can
get dressed. I pull on jeans and a shirt. Alex forces me to sit still
while Nat puts make-up on me. "Is this really necessary?" I
complain. "We're only meeting Bill."

"Now that you're
single, you need to be prepared to meet new people at any time,"
Nat explains. "You never know if you're going to bump into your
future husband or not, you know, like Pax."

I scrunch my face. "I'm
not
going to marry Pax so get it out of your head, Nat."

"Will you let me
have my dreams at least? Yeesh."

Alex shoots me a look.
"Dream crusher."

I roll my eyes, and
choose to say nothing more. We arrive at Bill's house half an hour
after. Right when I see Bill waving at us from his front porch, I
become anxious, worried Pax might be inside.
He won't be here,
I reassure myself.
I'm not his problem anymore.

If only wishes came
true.

I smell him right away.
It's crazy, but true. His scent lingered on my pillow and I smelled
it for days after we broke up. It's a rich scent, musky and raw. I
finally stopped smelling it four days ago. I cried the entire night.

Pax senses when I'm in
the room. Even though his back is to me and toward the window, I see
his shoulders tense up, rising slightly as if someone's poked him in
the back.

"Thank you for
coming, Jules," Bill says, putting my hand in both of his.
"These must be your good friends, Nat and Alex. Reid has told me
all about you two." He shakes both of their hands, and invites
them to sit down.

Bill steps closer to
me, lowering his voice so only I hear. "I hope you don't mind
that Pax is here. He told me you aren't speaking to him anymore
because of something he did. He insisted on being here today, and I
knew he would come despite what I tell him."

I swallow, trying to
push the knot of anxiety and worry as far down as it can go. "It's
okay," I reply. Deep down I'd knew he'd be here. That's the type
of man he is: a man who sees something to the end.

And a cheater.

I see Pax is talking to
Alex and Nat and for a moment a pang of jealousy cuts me. They're
supposed to be on
my
side. Why are they talking to
him
?
Nat catches my gaze and sees the death glare there. Quickly, she
shuts her mouth, looking anywhere but at Pax. Alex is completely
oblivious. He's such a guy- even if he's gay.