One Day Soon (21 page)

My heart constricted painfully at those three little words. She said them casually. Almost dismissively.

“I love you too,” I responded. There was nothing casual or dismissive when I said it. Those words counted. Each and every time.

I hung up with my mother, feeling neither good nor bad. Which was the usual. Most times she left me…
indecisive.

My life had been filled with transient relationships. I cared intensely. But for only brief periods of time. Some of that was because of me.

Some of it wasn’t.

I had long since lost touch with my friends from high school. I hadn’t spoken to Amanda Decker since graduation. I had a few friends in college, but nothing substantial.

My marriage was over and my current friendships with Lee and Tess were for the
meantime.

I didn’t purposefully keep people at arm’s length. I’d only adopted that particular trait in the later part of my life.

I had grown up clinging to the people I loved. Even when I knew that holding on was useless.

But the most significant relationships in my life had occurred during a very short period of time.

Yoss. Di. Shane. Bug.

And I had lost each and every one of them.

So at some point along the way that
need
to hold on had changed. Altered. Twisted to fit this new, not so shiny version of myself.

Permanence was the thing I’d spent most of my life chasing. It’s why I stayed in my job. In my house. In my hometown. I was desperate for roots. But I was also ill-equipped to nurture the relationships in my life that could ground me.

I would never tell my mother all the horrible, hostile thoughts in my heart because as much as she had hurt me, I needed her constancy. Yet I knew that I had never
really
allowed her back into my life. We spoke on the phone, she came over to visit, but I wasn’t willing to
let her in.

Because the girl who had once embraced the people in her life with open arms had grown into a terrified woman. Scared of being abandoned, I put on a smile and hid behind walls that were easy to build but felt impossible to take down.

“Imogen, hello!” Jason called out as I walked into my office. The familiar click clacking of his shoes on the tile floor echoed down the hall as he followed me.

I dropped my purse on the desk and immediately turned on my computer. I was feeling antsy.

I wanted to get up to the ICU to see Yoss.

Every day since he had been admitted I rushed through my job duties, wanting to get to that moment where I’d walk into his room and see him.

I needed the reminder that I hadn’t imagined him.

Because I had done a lot of that over the years.

Imagining.

“Hey, Jason. How are you?” I said offhandedly, hoping whatever it was, didn’t require a long, lengthy discussion.

“I wanted to talk to you about that new case you were given,” he said, bringing me up short.

“My new case?” I asked, feeling myself tense.

“Yossarian Frazier in ICU,” Jason continued, clicking a pen with fidgety fingers.

“What about him?” I was going for blasé. I was pretty sure I sounded mildly high. I picked up my go-to coffee cup and readied myself to make my escape.

“Tracey Higgins called.”

I groaned and Jason smiled. “No need to tell you that she was less than pleasant,” he continued.

“What was she complaining about this time?”

I picked up my case files and stood by my desk, restless to leave.

“She says you’ve been blocking her coordination efforts. I told her that didn’t sound like you at all,” Jason went on.

I sighed. I hadn’t thought about calling Tracey in again because Yoss had been insistent he didn’t want her services. I had called her the day following her visit to let her know as much. She hadn’t been very nice about it, but that was to be expected.

“You can’t force services on people that don’t want them, Tracey,” I had told her with just a hint of condescension.

“Well what’s a man like that going to do, Imogen? Where will he go? You
should
insist on him coming to the shelter! You know what happens to the people out on the streets. They die! Do you want that man to die?” she had asked in frantic annoyance.

She was over the top and overly dramatic. But her question hit me all the same.

Where will he go?

The truth was I hadn’t thought much about service plans and outreach, my head and my heart were mixed up in rediscovering the man I had lost.

But that wasn’t right. I had to think about his future. What he was going to do. His situation was precarious. I had to stop thinking about me and my heart and start thinking about what was best for
Yoss.

“He doesn’t want to go to the Salvation Army, Jason. And he was very antagonistic towards her. As you know, Tracey’s style can be off putting for a lot of people. And I’m not going to push services down his throat if he doesn’t want them. That’s not how we work, you know that. It has to be
Mr. Fraizer’s
choice.”

“
I
know that.
You
know that. But Tracey is a community resource we can’t alienate. We have to make it out like we’re on the same team. Half of this job is playing nice with the other people at the table.”

“I know. I’ll do better next time,” I muttered. Jason patted my back in a fatherly gesture. He wasn’t wearing his hairpiece today. He seemed to finally be embracing his male pattern baldness.

“How are you, Im? You seem happier,” he noted, regarding me closely.

How was I?

What a loaded question.

But it was easy to answer.

For once I could give him 100% honesty.

“I’m good, Jason. Really, really good.”

And it was true.

For reasons I wouldn’t share with my boss.

“New man?” Jason asked with a cheeky grin.

I laughed but didn’t answer.

I wouldn’t tell him it wasn’t a new man that had me smiling for the first time in years.

It was the second chance that seemed to have fallen from the sky.

One that was all wrapped up in the man I thought I had lost.

Yoss was sitting up in bed when I finally arrived. Jason had been too chatty to get away from him quickly.

“What are you doing? You’re still recovering from the biopsy!” I exclaimed as Yoss swung his feet around and attempted to get to his feet. He hung onto the IV pole to try to get his balance, his legs obviously weak.

“I’m sick and tired of lying around in this bed, waiting for bad news. I want to get up and move around. It’s been three days since the biopsy. I’m fine,” he grunted, hoisting himself upright. As he did so, his hospital gown opened in the back, revealing parts of him I hadn’t seen in a very long time.

I felt myself flush and quickly looked away.

“You might want to put a robe on,” I suggested, covering my mouth with my hand so he didn’t see my silly grin.

Yoss peered over his shoulder. “What? You don’t think people would appreciate a nice view of my very white ass? You seem to like the view.”

I coughed loudly, not able to believe what he had just said. He laughed. His eyes crinkling in the corners, his lips curved upward. “Busted,” he said.

I rolled my eyes but then grinned back.

“Well, if you want to channel your inner exhibitionist, I’m sure there’s a nurse or two who’d like the eyeful. It would probably be the most excitement they’d have all year. But I’m thinking it’ll be on the drafty side.” Yoss continued to hang onto the IV pole, barely able to stand, let alone walk anywhere. “Are you sure you’re up to this? I can get a wheelchair—” I started to suggest, but Yoss cut me off.

“I can do it. I’m not six feet under yet.” He was being flippant. And I didn’t find his comment very funny. His morbid attempt at humor left me cold.

I cleared my throat, all mirth draining from me, and I grabbed a robe from the bathroom. “Here, put this on.”

“Uh. Do you think you could help me put it on?” he asked with a shy smile and my mood lifted again. Yoss had always been able to twist and turn my emotions into any given direction. I was quickly learning that some of his talents were getting better with age.

“Sure.” I held out the robe and carefully pulled it up one of his arms before doing the same with the other side. He tied it as quickly as he was able, while still holding onto the IV pole.

“Okay, I’m decent. I think it’s safe to leave the room now.” Yoss tried to take a step forward and stumbled a bit. He grimaced. “I guess I’m a little out of practice with the whole walking thing,” he joked, though he sounded strained.

“Let me help you.” I looped one arm around his waist, trying to ignore the way he tensed and started to pull away. “It’s either this or the wheelchair. Your choice,” I warned.

He hesitated only a moment before he leaned into me. My heart kicked into overdrive. With my other hand I supported his arm. “I’ve got you,” I said quietly, briefly closing my eyes as he pressed against me. His body heat all but burning my skin.

“I know,” Yoss replied just as softly.

Loaded words.

Honest words.

I swallowed thickly and looked away from his green, green eyes. “Well, come on then.”

Yoss, after a few shaky steps, finally gripped my hand and leaned into me, just slightly. “Take it easy, we’re not running a marathon here,” I teased as we ventured out into the noisy ICU.

“It’s a good thing too, or I’d be losing big time,” Yoss quipped.

Several nurses looked our way as we started moving down the hallway in slow, even steps. I glanced at Leanne, one of the nurses on duty, and nodded. “I’m just taking Mr. Frazier on a bit of a walk. He was going stir crazy. Dr. Howell had mentioned a little physical activity would be good for him once the incision healed.”

Leanne nodded. “Of course. Just don’t overdo it, Mr. Frazier,” she lectured.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Yoss muttered.

“So where to?” I asked as we stopped in front of the elevator.

Yoss looked out the window. It was sunny, showing the first signs of spring. Even though it was still colder than normal for the time of year, the sky was blue and flowers were starting to bloom.

“Is there any way I can get outside for a bit?” he asked wistfully.

“It’s chilly today,” I warned, the two of us stepping into the empty elevator.

“I just want to smell something besides hospital for a few minutes.” Yoss rested against the wall.

“If it’s only for a few minutes, I suppose we can go to the small café up on ninth. There’s a balcony that overlooks the park,” I suggested, hitting the button that would take us to the top floor.

“Any chance I could talk my way into a cup of coffee? Or a cigarette?” Yoss asked, giving me that genuine smile I had fallen in love with all those years ago.

“I had hoped you’d have quit that nasty habit by now,” I scolded.

“I did. Years ago. But sometimes I still crave the nicotine.”

“Oh, well I’m glad you quit. I always hated when you smoked,” I admitted.

Yoss raised his eyebrows. “Really? You never said anything.”

I shrugged but didn’t respond.

Yoss cocked his head to the side and regarded me. It was an intense sort of stare that had me wanting to fidget.

“Sometimes I see you and I forget that we’re not kids anymore. Because even though you don’t quite look the same, you’re still so much like the sixteen-year-old Imi I knew.” His expression was reflective. Haunted. It chilled me and warmed me at the same time.

“I look at you and I see the girl I would have killed for. The girl I loved to the ends of this fucked up, messed up world. But then I see your eyes and I realize you’re not that girl. Not really. Sure, I recognize the hair. The eyes. The dimple in your chin. But you’re different now.”

His words broke me. I wanted to cry and scream that
of course
I was different.