One Split Second (23 page)

After I had breakfast this morning, I fell back to sleep and dozed on and off, and it was lovely and warm from the sun streaming through the windows, the warmth and peacefulness all around was heaven… . and when I woke up… . the realisation hit home I was in a HOSPITAL IN GOVAN!! As a PARAPLEGIC PATIENT!!

Argh! . . . Duncan started straight away to try and make jokes about me and the prone trolley, and I really wasn’t in the mood, actually I think I was still a bit wound up from the day before. God knows, I love my family… . but they can be SO annoying AND they are always RIGHT (no arguments!), BUT they are FUN, and the latter must be the one trait I have definitely inherited! yeah yeah?)

Since my accident, I haven’t been wearing a bra, because of the damage to my ribs and underarms (ouch) where they had to make incisions to put in ‘fluid channels’ to allow the excess blood and fluid to drain away from the punctured lung and surrounding injured areas (if that’s what they do, because I don’t think I described that very well, but it bloody hurts.) So, today, with the help of Marie, the auxiliary, I tried to put on one of my bras, and what a palaver; we managed to get it on, but I’m glad to say it is ‘nipping’ a bit. I’m glad, because when they did the ‘pin’ test, where they take a pin and start working down your body to see where you stop feeling from (technology, good eh?), when I could feel my bra nipping, it was a ‘good feeling’ . . . . ‘normal’.

Angela and Lawrie appeared about 11.30, and it was really good to see them, ON THEIR OWN! Angela had actually gone out and bought me a NEW sports bra that would be more suitable for this particular gym… in fact there were two different types, but only one was suitable. Bless her. She also bought me some Christmas cards, which I actually thought was quite thoughtful, because even though just now I don’t feel like sending any just now, I will no doubt thank her when I do. I apologised for yesterday, because I wasn’t great company and I felt very ‘irritable’. Funnily enough, I was telling her about Tony and Margie asking about the baby and Barry, and Angela (who is just about to become a full fledged Lawyer), was asking if I was still married to Barry, and when I said I was, she declared herself my ‘self-appointed’ lawyer, and she would get me a ‘quickie’ divorce as one of her first jobs—for NOTHING! (meow Angela—sorry Barry)! She was glancing through the housing forms that I had been given and she was also talking to me about the pressure sore, that had been contracted in Derry Hospital, whilst I was under their ‘nursing care’. She was pondering over whether they could be held ‘libelous for neglect’ . . . Oh, dear, before she could go on any further, Lawrie shouted at her to ‘STOP PLAYING THE LAWYER`! Angela was telling me that all poor Lawrie hears about these days is. LEGAL, ILLEGAL, LIBEL, DEFAMATION, NEGLIGENT, ARBITRTION, blah, blah, (all legal jargon) . . . I actually found it quite amusing. Angela then went on to say she would also help me get my driving licence sorted out and write a letter to DVLA, regarding my drink-driving offence (that happened years and years ago, well 6yrs?). Then something spooky flashed through my head, ‘you’ve got your family now, you don’t need him’—I recalled Barry saying to me once, that that’s what my family would say once I was in Scotland?! Mmh? Well, he got that wrong, because all the girls and Tony have their own families to worry about without adopting me and mine!

The nurse then came round to change my dressing, and Angela asked if she could have a look. I think she got a bit of a shock—I haven’t seen it yet but from Angela reaction, it must be quite bad. You could tell from her face. Angela is not even that squemish. She reiterated what she said before that if Derriford were responsible for letting a wound get that infected then something should be done. Well, Lawrie stepped in then, and said that he thought it was time that they were going. So Angela, went into her bag, and gave me some ‘lovely and yummy, REAL’, sandwiches that they had got from Markies, and she took out a nice prawn salad, for them to put in the fridge for me for later. Now, THAT was thoughtful! I forgot to mention, that Angela forgot to switch her mobile phone off, and answered it, and it was Maclean, so we all spoke to him without the nurse’s knowledge, ( tut tut, how bad is that!! Naughty!!) Well, we were’nt arrested for an ‘offending and dangerous ringing mobile phone’ and Lawrie and Angela said ‘bye, take care’ and that they would call in on their way back. I said for them all (Ann and Sandy as well), to have a nice time. I really did mean it, even though I’m so fucking jealous and frustrated, I really wish it was me going on holiday, (with the kids of course… . actually, I would just settle for getting out of here)!

The staff nurse wanted to speak to me about my ‘bowels’. Great! Apparently the nurse that was on in the morning had forgotten that it was a bowel day and hadn’t inserted the suppositories. I explained that I was not used to this at all, and I hated it so no use expecting me to have any routine sorted out… I couldn’t even get out of the damn bed, so at the moment nothing seemed to be in a routine, let alone something that is entirely alien to me… who would think that one day you can sit on a toilet pan, and the next, your having tablets stuck up you back passage and having faeces cleaned up from my bed… faeces that I have had to lie in (admittedly with pads underneath me, but still)! She explained that they had to get my body ‘used’ to a bowel regime (whatever that is)?, and then as if she read my mind, she said it was essential, because, the regime is to get the bowels opening and shutting in ‘rhythm’ and get ‘used’ to a routine that will come in time! Oh God, I can’t remember but it’s something like that. I’m sure the family doesn’t think about these things when they think about my injury. Why should they want to know if I can ‘pee’ and ‘go to the toilet’! Yuk! If I were them I would want to dismiss those type of questions.

Later on Casey phoned and I told her that Angela and Lawrie had been in to see me, and what they had brought, and when they went etc… She loves to know that I’m not just lying in a bed in a hospital with no visitors. Bless! She was staying the night with her mate Rachel. I love it when she tells me that she’s having fun. She also went on to tell me that Dad, Shonah and Jamie had gone to London to see Lindy, (Barry’s ex engaged girlfriend, who also spoke on behalf of the Crook family at our wedding—that Lindy), u know, I felt an ‘angry/green-eyed monster’ pang, and thought, what the hell is it with Shonah, she’s really got her claws into Barry; although I know we are ‘separated’, when he is introducing her to our special friend, it proved that our split was definitely final, and it felt weird? mmh? Then it made me reflect on something Angela had said about the ‘divorce’, and it got me thinking that maybe the time is right for us to make the separation legal.

Ooh, what a lovely day… was it? I’m niggled about something!!

Monday 24th November
 

Iv’e realised that I haven’t been putting dates on my writing at the moment. (just thought I would mention that, it’s not a diary as such, but it helps keep me right (and you!).

I woke up so, so sore again, I thought my body had seized up on me! I mentioned this to the Doc and he said he would make sure I saw the witch doctor to see if he can mix me up a stronger potion for pain relief, and meantime he would look for something to help hopefully before lunch. I don’t know which doctor was on, in the posse this morning, but where Dr Didn’t didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, the other doctor did; he seemed to help find some pain relief with immediate effect after the docs round. Mr Templar is back this week, and Dr Didn’t was on holiday. I wanted to see Mr Templar but he wasn’t with them, so Tracey, the staff nurse, said she was going speak to Mr Templar on my behalf. I wanted to see him, but I left it for the time being because he is probably catching up on everything, so I hope he’s not too busy to speak to me later; I really want to find out how we are progressing with this pressure sore.

I was gonna go round to the gym once my dressing had been done, when one of the nurses brought the phone for me. It was Casey, she was off school because there was ‘teachers training’. Anyway, she had a wonderful announcement to make—I am gonna make sure I get this down before I have to go to the gym. So, before I do, my cheery tone is blighted with sarcasm!

She didnt want to tell me last night, but whilst her friend Rachel had just gone out for 15 minutes with her mum, she asked if she could use the phone to phone me. WELL, Barry has gone to london for Lindy’s, (Barrys ex fiance and best female friend, who incidentally, did the speech on behalf of Barry’s family at our wedding. I know, weird) . . . 50th Birthday Party AND they have asked her to be little Jamies’ God-Mother (ok), but wait for it… and CJ, Barry’s best mate and best-man at our wedding), to be his GOD-FATHER!! Talk about fucking with Casey’s head (sorry bout the swearing but there is bound to be more and all will become clear ). She loves having CJ as her god-father, because he is dad’s best friend and it means a lot to her. At the moment she was just (under duress), getting used to the idea of having Jamie as her half-brother, AND now she has to share her god-father and her dad with him. She felt there was a special bond between her dad and god-father and her, and now it’s changed all that. Barry can be so thick sometimes!! What a prick. Actually, it is starting to piss me off; is Shonah so unpopular that she had no friends or family that she can ask!? Casey is really annoyed, hurt and angry and I don’t blame her. I am gonna tell Barry what an insensitive bastard he is. Well, I actually txtd Barry to let him know that I’m aware of his ‘plans’ for Jamies’ god-parents. He’s gonna hate me for interfering and I don’t care… Well, I just had a call from Barry, and I expected him to be ‘ranting’, but he was unusually calm, but, still defensive, and couldn’t understand why I was so angry,
because
(and then, very condescendingly as if to make me feel guilty, and missing the whole point of why I was angry, which was because of his choice of god-parents), he proceeded to say that they (him and Shonah), had put all christening plans on hold because, wait for it,. THE ACCIDENT… fuck me, remind me to be eternally grateful; he had put the date of the christening back out of respect for what had happened to me… Jesus, I DIDN’T BLOODY DIE! I was speechless. He then said he didn’t want to talk about it at the moment, and he hadn’t realised that Casey felt the way she did, aah! The bugger… he thinks he can do something like this and get out of it by acting so ‘innocent’, . . . yeah! He knows fine. He is just doing anything that Shonah wants. I may sound like a bitter, hard-done-by, angry wife, but I’m not! . . . . one things for sure… . when I’m out of this hospital, I am taking the kids away from him and Shonah, and he can have the happy ‘home-made family’, that Shonah wanted! I actually like Shonah, believe it or not, but the word niggling me at the back of my mind is ‘manipulative’! To be fair, she was there, when I was unable to be, due to the damn drink addiction, so if it hadn’t been her, it would have been someone else. I brought this on myself, and god, I feel so useless here in hospital, but when I get out of here, I’m gonna have the kids with me and I’m going to make them soo proud!

Enough on that today, it’s actually wound me up too much… .

Well, what a day… my body is in so much pain. I’m sure ‘stress’ makes it worse. I went on the prone trolley about 11, so that after lunch I could go into the cage. I haven’t been doing my excercises in a proper disciplined fashion or routine. I’ve noticed that on a Monday, after not being in the gym (because they shut it at 3.30 pm on a Friday and don’t open it until Monday morning), my body and bones ache so much, worse than any other day.

I mentioned this to Graham, one of the guys who has been a patient here longer than me, in fact he is a T7 thorasic 7, paralysed from ribs down as well. His accident happened when he was on his honeymoon with his wife in the Caribbean. Him and his wife, Flora, after a meal out decided to go for a swim (not a drunken dip), and Graham dived into the floodlit pool first, and hadn’t realised that it was the shallow part, and as he landed, smashed his head on the bottom, twisted his neck, and broke his spine. It could have been tragic, but he was revived and, well, he is now a patient here, thankfully, there was no brain damage. Susie comes in everyday from Ayr and brings him his own meals. They are both only 24. He gets agitated and has open displays of angry frustration… life really can be a fuckin, rotten bitch!

So, it was Graham who told me, that because you don’t get into the gym at the weekend, it’s the lack of exercise that causes the bones to ‘seize up and become stiffer’, well, he ain’t kidding! ouch! sore, sore, sore!

The more I am on the prone trolley, the more I get used to it, and if I manage to get into a comfortable position, I can actually go quite fast (well walking pace). When I stop, I can pull myself up from the neck, resting my hands under my chin and elbows on the trolley, and I can stay like for quite a while and ‘talk’ to other people, and even eat on it! Progress if ever I saw it, don’t you think?!!

I even managed to get into the gym in the afternoon and go round, with Roddy’s help, in my bed, to work on my ‘upper body’ with the weights in the cage. Maybe, I should get angry more often (NOT!) before going to the gym, because I really ‘threw’ myself into my exercises today, and actually got all thoughts of Barrys’ arrogance out of my head.

Well, tonight I thought I would txt a few people that I haven’t heard from in a while… my God, Plymund seems a million miles away from here now. I txtd Joan, Alfie, Jake and Jerry, and a girl I knew who was a friend to me and Pete, (I know… why anyone who knows Pete?)—curiosity killed the cat? Heard back from Alfie which was nice, she’s doing voluntary work and is still ‘clean’ from drugs. Joan was sorry that she hadn’t kept in touch, but I understood, because when I left she was in a very depressed state and was being helped by the people in her church, anyway, she was telling me that she is on the mend, and one day she will get up to see me, if I don’t get down there first… I wish? Also Jerry and Jake, both replied saying they love and miss me and to keep in touch… mmh, nice! On second thoughts… maybe not!! Just think of that song, ‘underneath the arches’, real… Eastenders!