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Authors: Tristan Taormino

Tags: #Non-Fiction, #Self Help, #Sociology

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BOOK: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
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Sometimes only when you start to explore the desire do you realize that what you thought you could do just "on the side" is actually
much more important to you than that. You may find out that doing it
occasionally is not enough, or it has moved up on the list of important
things in your life, or it is something you want to be able to do with
your partner. For instance, a married man might realize his attraction
to men and come out as bisexual. He believes he's content to remain
married to his wife and have sex with men on the side. However, as he
begins to explore sexual relationships with men, he realizes that he
really wants his life partner to be a man. In a scenario such as this, you
may want to explore polyamory instead (see Chapter 7), or else end
the relationship.

The Primary Relationship Gets Neglected

Its very easy to be distracted by all the good feelings that come with
having sex with someone for the first time, or getting to know a new
sexual partner. You can get caught up in the giddy feelings, become
focused on the outside sex and the outside partners, and take your primary relationship for granted. Don't forget that no matter how long
you've been together, your primary partner needs attention, nurturing,
and love. Problems in the primary relationship will not go away just by
avoiding them or keeping busy with extracurricular sex.

Some people say that for partnered nonmonogamy to be successful, you must separate your emotions from sex or keep sex and love absolutely separate. I respectfully disagree. You can be emotionally
present and connected to a person other than your primary partner
and you can have feelings for her or him. You can have deep, intense,
soul-shattering sex together. The point is that your intention is to have
sex or do BDSM, to enjoy each other's bodies, but not to pursue a relationship beyond that. If you are clear about your intentions up front
and you honor your primary relationship, the experiences you have
outside it can genuinely enhance it.

PROFILE: BEN AND CLAIRE

"We're sexual adventurists."

BEN, 48, AND CLAIRE, 43, have been together for eight and a half
years and married for nearly seven. Claire grew up in a small town in
the Midwest and began practicing nonmonogamy in college: "I had
up to five boyfriends at a time. It seemed natural. Unless someone
requested exclusivity, I assumed that the relationship was open. With
some, I spoke openly about seeing others. With others, I never mentioned it. Some were married. Some had other girlfriends. I had deep
feelings for every one." Ben's first foray into nonmonogamy was also in
college, though he considers it unsuccessful. "I had a girlfriend in college who had multiple other boyfriends and it was fine for her to see
them and be with them. Then I started seeing someone else and [my
existing girlfriend] couldn't deal with it. She said, `I don't think we
should see each other anymore because of this. I got really upset when
you were with this other woman.' So I broke up with the other person,
but my girlfriend kept seeing other people. I spent a lot of time accepting her double standard, and that was very unhappy-making for me."
Later in life, Ben was in a monogamous relationship for 12 years,
including seven years of marriage, but never found it satisfying. He didn't cheat, but he did go to strip clubs to get lap dances and felt very
guilty about it. He says he felt guilty about his sexuality in general.

Ben and Claire got engaged the morning after going to a swing
club together. "At that time, we were doing only the most casual exploration of interacting with others-light touch and nothing more," Ben
says. "Still, it was clear that we both viewed sexuality as something to
be explored, and the direct experience of exploring sex together kind
of sealed the deal for us. Sexuality and sexual exploration has been one
of the central parts of our relationship all along. So, the whole discussion about monogamy and nonmonogamy is something that we've
talked about from day one in one form or another." Today, they consider themselves pair-bonded and nonmonogamous; they have sex
with other people and may have friendships, but their only partnered
relationship is with each other. Ben notes: "I'm not really that interested in polyamory in the sense of wanting to have other really deep
emotional relationships with people. I definitely want to be friends with
the people that we play with, and there's definitely an element of love
that comes in some of the relationships that we have. But for me, she's
my partner and my focus and it's just too much of an emotional dissipation for me to think about getting really involved with other people."

They socialize in many different alternative communities among
swingers, kinky people, and sex-positive folks. When they have sex
with other people, they almost always do it together: "By and large, we
really enjoy group energy and being together in these settings. The few
times I've gone off on my own, I've missed having her there. We always
talk about these experiences, and the ability to be open about them is
very important," Ben says.

As for the rules they have agreed to, Claire says: "Always check in.
Anyone can veto at any moment. No abandonment allowed, no `I have
a date tonight, so you take care of yourself."' For this couple, sexual
adventures play a significant role in their relationship: "The most appealing thing is that we facilitate each other's individual sexual evolution. Thus, our sexual life together is forever evolving. Our beef with traditional monogamy is that it puts a cap on that part of a person's evolution.
We find that sexual adventuring has a profound effect on deepening
our bond. We have learned so much about ourselves and each other
and have developed incredible trust through our sexual experiences."

 
Chapter 6
Swinging

THE UNIQUE HISTORY, traditions, culture, etiquette, philosophies,
and communities of swingers are beyond the scope of this book and
have been documented in many publications. Swingers can practice
any number of open relationship styles, though the majority of them
likely identify most with the style outlined in the previous chapter,
partnered nonmonogamy Indeed, much of what I discussed in that
chapter can be applied to swinging. However, swinging warrants its
own chapter because swingers have their own distinct identities and
subcultures. When a person identifies as a swinger, it's not just about
being nonmonogamous. Swinging is about the context in which they
practice their nonmonogamy, the way they socialize, and their community. It's about, as many refer to it, the lifestyle.

Not all swingers are the same, and each swinger community has
a unique culture; however, the majority of swingers share similar
beliefs and attitudes, and certain social norms and etiquette can be
seen across different swinger communities.

Sex with other couples causes us to be more intimate with each
other. It helps me communicate openly with my partner and dig deep into my feelings, which is something hard for me to do. After
going to a swinger party and having sex with others, the sex we
have with each other is intimate and amazing. Janie

Beliefs and Attitudes

Swingers come from all walks of life and all areas of the country, but
the majority are white, middle or upper-middle class, married, middleaged professionals. Most of the men identify as heterosexual and the
women as heterosexual, bi-curious, or bisexual. Very few gay lesbian,
queer, or transgendered people identify as swingers. Swingers emphasize the social, fun aspect of what they do and are generally discreet
about their lifestyle. Although their behavior falls outside traditional
monogamy, they are not a politicized community and rarely see themselves as radical or nontraditional.

The majority of swingers consider themselves emotionally monogamous and sexually nonmonogamous. They view sex outside their
primary relationship very differently from sex with their spouse; they
see it as casual-"sport sex" or "recreational sex." In her book Recreational
Sex, Patti Thomas, editor of several popular swingers' magazines, writes:

To swingers, physical acts of sexual pleasure with someone you
respect, just for pleasure, and making love to one's lifetime
partner, are two distinctly different things.

As David says, "Sex can be casual, but tends to be with those we
know and have some connection with, though not in a committed
way."

Swingers adhere to very specific rules and etiquette both spoken
and unspoken. Clubs and events are geared toward the couple as a
unit, and the emphasis is always on couples. In fact, at many swingers'
events, when you register and receive a name tag, the tag lists both your name and your spouse's. Usually, the only singles allowed at
swingers' spaces are women; rarely are single men welcome. There is a
particularly problematic double standard at work in most swingers'
spaces: while women are encouraged to be sexual with other women,
male/male eroticism, desire, and sex is taboo. When swingers talk about
sex, they usually mean intercourse, and many swingers are sexually
conservative. For example, I have been to parties where there is little
or no anal sex, BDSM, use of sex toys, or much of anything besides
vaginal intercourse.

Swinging Styles

Within swinging, there are different options and practices, depending
on what you're comfortable with and what you want. Like other open
relationship styles, there is room for people to play at their own speed
and do what feels right for them.

Soft Swinging

In soft swinging, two couples have sex in the same room, each person
with their own spouse or partner, with no intention of switching partners for intercourse. Instead, they watch each other; the women may
kiss, touch, fondle, or have oral sex with each other, or each woman
may do these things with the man who is not her partner. Some couples start out doing soft swinging as a way to test the water and have
the experience without going "all the way." For others, soft swinging
isn't a stepping stone, it is the way they swing: they want to be sexual
in some way with other people but have agreed not to have intercourse
with anyone else.

Swinging with One

Because single women are allowed at most clubs and events, but not
single men, couples often play together with another woman. Sometimes, if the single woman is a lesbian or bisexual, she hooks up with a couple
but is sexual only with the woman. A couple may also split up for the
evening so each partner can play separately, but only after making sure
they have their partner's consent. This gives a man the opportunity to
play with a couple without his female partner, but usually he only has
sex with the woman in the couple.

Swinging with Another Couple

Many couples primarily have sex with other couples, although usually,
again, the men are not sexual together. Swinging with another couple,
rather than a single person, assures some couples that there's less chance
for potential romance or unwanted drama. We're married, they're married, we're on the same page: no strings attached, our commitment is to
our families. One of the tricky things about playing with another couple
is that each partner must be attracted to or interested in having sex with
the opposite partner. If you and your spouse have very different taste in
sexual partners, a match may not be easy to find. Say you have agreed
not to split up for sex play and your partner suggests a couple you don't
like. You have to turn them down, which may disappoint your partner.
Most swingers agree that all participants need to be into the scenario for
it to work; no one should "take one for the team" so their partner can
have a good time. Swinger couples may socialize with other swinger
couples outside of events, but usually not in a romantic way.

Group Swinging

Swinging in a group is exactly like it sounds: having sex with multiple
partners or couples at once; this is more like group sex or an orgy.
When some people think of swingers, images of wild orgies may come
to mind, but in reality only a small percentage of swingers regularly
have group sex; there is a much greater emphasis on couple-to-couple
contact.

Social Swinging

Some swingers are attracted to the community and clubs for the fun,
free, open social atmosphere and less for the sex. They may have sex
with other people occasionally or rarely More often, they love to flirt,
touch, watch others, get turned on, then retire to their own room and
have sex with each other. Terry Gould, who studied swinger communities in the mid-nineties for his book The Lifestyle, met a couple in
British Columbia who had been in the swinging scene for about five
years. Gould writes: "Most of the time, they said, they didn't even
swing. They just enjoyed being in a close-knit crowd of married people
where the boundary between friendship and sex was a titillating line
to be openly approached, not a wall to sneak around in deceit."'

BOOK: Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
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