Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (7 page)

• Be challenged to learn and grow through relationships

• Live honestly

• Work on self awareness, jealousy, other issues

Challenges:

• More relationships means more work

• Not enough time

• Lacking a sense of relationship security

• Requires solid communication and negotiation skills

• Requires self-reflection and intense honesty

• Must regularly confront feelings of jealousy and insecurity

0 Disapproval of friends, family, community, society

PEOPLE WHO PRACTICE NONMONOGAMY are a truly diverse bunch
and they design their relationships in many different ways. Yet, there
are some key emotional skills they have in common, qualities that help
them to negotiate and nurture their relationships. If you don't have a
clear idea of who you are or what you want, or you feel insecure about
yourself and your relationship, it will likely be difficult for you to navigate through nonmonogamy. Engaging in self-reflection, processing
your feelings with other people, and being willing to deal with conflict
are necessary skills to create alternatives to monogamy. As you continue
to ponder whether an open relationship is right for you, consider some
of the significant elements that help make these relationships work:
consent, self-discovery and self-awareness, communication, honesty,
boundaries, trust, fidelity, and commitment.

I begin with consent because it is a foundational element for all relationships and one of the significant qualities that distinguish nonmonogamy
from cheating. To ensure a healthy, positive, fulfilling open relationship, everyone involved must be on board. No one should feel pressured,
coerced, or otherwise pushed to be in a relationship they don't want to be
in. You should not open up a monogamous relationship or begin a nonmonogamous one to please someone else, avoid conflict, or give in to a
demand, or because you fear the relationship might otherwise end. Do it
because you know what you're getting into and you want to get into it.

It would be unwise to agree to nonmonogamy for the following
reasons or with these hidden motives:

• You're so in love with the person that while your gut is telling
you no, you decide to say yes and will deal with it later.

• You believe your partner likes the idea as an abstract concept,
but it won't actually happen.

• You agree to it, but secretly know you'll be "enough" for your
partner and she won't ever want anyone else.

• Although your partner has said he is nonmonogamous by
nature, you know you can change him.

• You think it's just a phase and she'll get over it.

Be honest with yourself about what the realities of nonmonogamy
are to assess whether it's right for you. If you or a partner aren't sure,
or need to work out what you need to feel sure, don't rush it. Do some
research and weigh your options. Wait until everyone gets to "yes," even
if it means waiting longer than you'd like. Be sure to be very clear about
what you or your partner are saying "yes" to. Is your partner agreeing
to further discussion, a trial run, or additional partners? You want to
hear a thoughtful, well-informed "yes" so everyone feels comfortable
moving forward.

A strong sense of self is key in all relationships and it should be a starting point for people considering an open relationship. Until you are clear about who you are, what is important to you, and what you need
and want, communicating with others can only go so far. Certainly,
you don't need to have it all figured out before you begin talking. In
fact, it often helps people clarify their thoughts and desires by hashing
them out with someone else or getting an outsider's opinion. But the
more clarity you have about your wishes, your issues, and your goals,
the more you bring to the communication process.

Anita Wagner, a polyamory educator and cofounder of the
Chesapeake Polyamory Network, likens self-awareness to emotional
intelligence, a concept popularized by the book Emotional Intelligence,
by Daniel Goleman. Anita says:

What emotional intelligence means for me is understanding
my own emotional wiring. For example, someone who has
abandonment or serious self-esteem issues needs to be aware
of it. They need to know those issues are going to make them
especially vulnerable in succeeding in poly relationships. If
they're not working on them and getting a pretty big handle
on them, the first time their sweetheart goes out to be with
someone else, that abandonment button will get pushed big
time. It's hard enough for those of us who are okay in those
areas... The more emotional intelligence we have, the easier
it will be to withstand emotional challenges.'

One thing that came through strongly in my interviews is that
there aren't a lot of nonmonogamous people wandering through life
with their heads down, just following the crowd. The people I talked
to are actively engaged in their own personal growth and the growth
of their relationships. They expressed a strong interest in knowing
themselves (and others) on a deep level. They seek that self-knowledge
through a variety of practices, including psychotherapy and counseling, reading, writing, journaling, blogging, attending workshops and
peer support groups, meditation, and various spiritual practices. This isn't to say that all nonmonogamous people have a greater consciousness than others (my interviewees were a self-selected bunch), but by
doing work on themselves, they are better equipped to be in complex
nontraditional relationships.

Society has prescribed certain expectations when it comes to love
and sexual relationships: what a relationship should look like, how each
person should behave (and these behaviors are usually dictated by traditional gender roles), how long you should see each other before becoming
serious, how often you should spend time together, how you should
express your love and affection for one another. There are rigid ideas
about all these things and more, beginning with the most obvious one:
that a love relationship happens between two (and only two) people
who have sex and an emotional attachment. Within our monogamycentered culture, fidelity is defined as sexual and emotional exclusivity
with one person. These values and many others are continually reinforced all around us-through traditional wedding ceremonies, men's
and women's magazines, talk shows, and mainstream books and movies.
I challenge you to throw all of that stuff away and begin from scratch.
It may seem like a daunting project, but until you let go of what you
think you're supposed to believe and how you're supposed to act, you
cannot figure out what encompasses your ideal relationship(s). (See
sidebar for a helpful exercise.)

Once you've done some self-reflection about where you are coming
from, it's time to open up the discussion. Ask anyone in an open relationship what makes it work, and one word comes up the most often:
communication. Obviously, communication is a critical part of any
kind of relationship, but when it comes to nonmonogamous relationships, good communication is one of the most important skills you can
have. Nonmonogamy is not for the faint of heart or lazy: be prepared to talk things through, listen with compassion, and process your feelings and your partners' feelings. If this sounds tedious or impossible to
you, then you might want to reconsider your relationship style,
because talking is a fundamental element of making nonmonogamy
work. A lot of people I interviewed said that talking about their feelings makes them feel better. Talking about your feelings can reassure
you and your partner(s) and help you better understand a situation,
which puts you in a better position to resolve a problem, let it go, and
move on.

EXERCISE

Creating Authentic Relationships

The questions below deal with issues most people take for
granted and let society define for them. You can start with a
blank canvas and create your own definitions.

• How do you define intimacy and closeness?

• What constitutes a relationship for you?

• Are there different types of relationships you wish you
could have?

• How long should a significant relationship last?

• What is sex? Is it intercourse? Is it more specific: penisin-vagina or penis-in-ass intercourse? What about manual
stimulation and penetration, oral sex, sex toys, BDSM play?

• What kinds of things do you consider intimate? Sex,
sexual touch, genital contact, a BDSM scene with no sexual
aspect?

• Must you live near a partner for a relationship to be
important?

• How do you define fidelity?

• What constitutes loving, affectionate, sexual, and romantic behavior? Where do things like flirting, kissing, love
letters, gift giving, dating, courting, phone calls, emails,
and instant messages fit into your definitions?

• What does commitment mean to you? How do you
define a committed relationship?

• What are the most important things you need in a relationship?

• How important is it for you to live with a partner?

• Realistically, how much time and energy do you have to
give to a relationship?

You will have many conversations, each with its own tone, focus,
and goals. Here are some examples of moments that are ripe for a conversation:

• Introducing the idea of having an open relationship

• Designing and negotiating the details of your open relationship

• Checking in when something or someone new comes into the
picture

• Checking in and debriefing after a party, date, or play session

• Talking it through when one of you is unhappy or experiencing
intense feelings

• Dealing with a conflict and working toward a solution

• Redesigning and renegotiating the details of your open relationship

While each of these discussions will proceed differently, there are
general guidelines for good communication. All communication should
encompass thoughtful self-assessment, honesty, mutual nonjudgmental
support, respect, compassionate listening, and a willingness to compromise if necessary Set aside time to talk, and go into it with the intent
that this will not be a short, breezy conversation or a one-shot deal.
Communication must be thorough and must be ongoing. Have reasonable expectations: you may not agree with one another right off the
bat, and you may not come to a resolution in just one conversation. Know going into it that talking about relationships, love, sex, and feelings is difficult and emotionally charged for most people.

If one partner is introducing the idea of an open relationship, the
initiator should approach the subject gently Test the water with
something general like "Did you hear that Oprah talked about open
marriage on her show? What do you think of that?" rather than something confrontational like "I want to open up our marriage and need
you to be on board." Give your partner time and space to respond;
remember, you may have been thinking about the topic for a year, but
this may be the first time it has occurred to him.

If you are the partner receiving the suggestion, keep an open mind.
Listen to your partner without criticism or judgment. Resist the impulse
to doubt yourself or to buy into the monogamy myth with thoughts
like Why does she want an open relationship? What about me isn't enough?
If you're both interested, keep talking. Do some reading and research.
For tips on negotiating your relationship, check out Chapter 11,
Designing Your Open Relationship.

If the conversation is about one partner's jealousy or other intense
feelings, your first goal should be to listen. Reassure her of your commitment to the relationship. At the moment when a partner is having intense
feelings such as hurt, insecurity, jealousy or betrayal, acknowledge
those feelings, validate and respect them, even if you don't understand
them. Don't try to talk anyone out of how they're feeling with rational
arguments; telling them why they shouldn't feel a certain way will get
you nowhere. A more objective opinion and reassurances about whats
going on from your perspective can come later.

If a conflict has spurred the conversation, the same rule applies:
first listen. Practice patience and compassion, and remember that you
are on the same team. Don't attempt to defend your position, argue a
point, or come to an agreement. Just listen. Remind one another of
your love, affection, and respect. Share your side of the situation,
remembering to take responsibility for your feelings and your actions. Tell each other what you need to resolve the problem. Be prepared to
compromise if necessary. It may be helpful to read ahead to Chapter 12,
Jealousy and Other Intense Feelings, and Chapter 14, Common
Challenges and Problems.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication technique
created by clinical psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg and outlined in
his book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life; the concept has
since been adapted all over the world. It can be an effective tool for every
kind of communication, especially in your relationships. Many of the
people I interviewed said they employ the techniques of Nonviolent
Communication as they talk about and negotiate their open relationships. Rosenberg has written dozens of books about NVC, as have
others; it is a broad topic. The basic concept of NVC is this:

Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge,
demand and diagnose-to think and communicate in terms
of what is "right" and "wrong" with people. We express our
feelings in terms of what another person has "done to us,"
instead of a feeling independent of another person. We mix
up our basic human needs with the strategies we're using to
meet those needs (we say "I want you to spend more time
with me," instead of "I'm really needing companionship").
And, we ask for what we'd like using demands, the threat of
punishment, guilt, or even the promise of rewards.'