Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (2 page)

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About the Interviewees

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About the Author

MY LIFE'S WORK for more than a decade has been dedicated to
educating and empowering people around their sexuality I write
about sex, I teach workshops and lecture about sex, I answer people's
questions about sex, I demonstrate techniques for sex, I make sexpositive movies, and I produce sex events. Because of my work and my
never-ending interest in all things sexual, I have witnessed and indulged
in a wide variety of sexual experiences and met people from all walks
of life. I've met people who are straight, queer, bi, vanilla, kinky, and
just plain horny I've made friends with leatherfolk, swingers, genderqueers, sex workers, polyamorous people, Tantra practitioners, Pagans,
and sex radicals.

The first time I saw someone have sex right in front of me, I was
mesmerized, awestruck, turned on. It was really cool. The 400th time,
it's still cool, but it's different. I found myself less interested in the
surface of what I was seeing-how he licks her, the noises she makes when she fucks her, the way he looks when she plays with his ass,
what he says when he talks dirty to him, and on and on. Instead, I was
much more fascinated by who the people are. Are they a couple? How
long have they been together? What made them decide to come to
this sex event? What do they like about having public sex? Who is
that other woman I often see making out with them both? Do they
have sex with other people? I want to know what the context is for
what I am watching. I want to know about the inner workings of their
relationship.

And it was no wonder. As I got to know these people, I discovered that their relationships were a lot more intriguing, complex, and
transgressive than their sex lives (and their sex lives were pretty amazing). In addition to sharp communication skills and a creative sense of
identity, they all appeared to have one thing in common: they were all
in nonmonogamous relationships. And they'd found a way to make
those relationships work so well that they exuded an above-average
level of sexual and emotional satisfaction-something that in my experience and observation seems to elude a lot of people. So, I wondered,
just how do they do it?

Most of the world's peoples, throughout history and around the
globe, have arranged things so that marriage and sexual exclusivity are not the same thing. -The Myth of Monogamy'

It's no secret that traditional monogamous marriage in America is in
serious trouble and has been for quite a while. The model of the stayat-home wife and the husband as sole breadwinner began to change
during the Industrial Revolution; it shifted significantly when women
entered the workforce in record numbers during World War II. Once
women began working outside the home, earning their own money (albeit less money for the same work), exploring education and career
opportunities, gender roles shifted and marriage changed. In the
1950s there was a brief return to more traditional coupling: 96 percent
of people of childbearing age were married, and they got married at a
younger age.' This period in what I call "Leave It to Beaver Land" didn't
last for very long. The 1960s brought the sexual revolution, part of a
counterculture movement among young people that openly questioned prevailing norms about sex and gender. Through writing,
activist groups, and public demonstrations, men and women critiqued
the Vietnam War, capitalism, and the nuclear family. They promoted
sexual liberation and "free love" over monogamy and marriage. Along
with this change in cultural ideas and social norms came a decline in
marriage rates, an increase in divorce rates, and a decrease in the
number of children people had.'

The activism of the sixties gave birth to the women's movement,
which mobilized women and men to challenge gender roles, stereotypes, and inequality. Access to birth control and legalized abortion
meant women could take charge of their reproductive choices and
have sex for pleasure, not just for procreation. Feminists critiqued and
rejected marriage as a patriarchal institution. In 1970, the marriage
rate briefly increased, but divorce rates showed a sizable increase, too:
14.9 per 1,000 married women age 15 and older, up from 9.2 in 1960.
By 1975, the marriage rate began to decline again and divorce rates
continued to rise." The seventies also saw a burst of academic work on
swingers and alternative relationships and the publication of over a
dozen books on those subjects. The Stonewall Riots of 1969 jumpstarted the gay and lesbian civil rights movement, giving traditional
marriage and nuclear families yet another detractor: queer people.

In the eighties, marriage rates continued to drop. Part of the
decline was blamed on the rise of another form of coupling: unmarried
heterosexual couples who lived together (and were given the decidedly
unsexy moniker "cohabitators"). Although cohabitators weren't new, by the eighties there were enough of them that sociologists and the US
Census Bureau began to take notice. Divorce rates kept rising in the
eighties until 1995, when they began to decline slightly, although not
as quickly as marriage rates did. By the nineties, more gay, lesbian,
bisexual, and transgendered people were coming out of the closet than
ever before. They were living together, having commitment ceremonies,
and raising children; the greater visibility of this community continued
to redefine ideas about relationships and family

In 2004, the marriage rate was 39.9 per 1,000 unmarried women
age 15 and older, which means that in less than 50 years, the rate had
dropped nearly 50 percent.' In the same time period, rates for second,
third, and fourth marriages increased, although those marriages don't
necessarily fare any better: statistics show that the divorce rate for
remarriages is even higher than for first marriages.' Clearly, the structure, expectations, and functionality of marriage are not as desirable or
functional as they were 50 years ago.

There's another significant indicator that monogamous marriages
and relationships aren't working: cheating is epidemic. The Kinsey
Report was the first to offer statistics on the subject from a large study
published in 1953; it reported that 26 percent of wives and 50 percent
of husbands had at least one affair by the time they were 40 years old.
Other studies followed, with similar findings. According to the Janus
Report of 1993, more than one-third of men and more than onequarter of women admit to having had at least one extramarital sexual
experience. Forty percent of divorced women and 45 percent of
divorced men reported having had more than one extramarital sexual
relationship while they were still married.' In a 2007 poll conducted
by MSNBC and iVillage, half of more than 70,000 respondents said
they've been unfaithful at some point in their lives, and 22 percent
have cheated on their current partner.'

While nearly anyone you ask will tell you cheating is wrong and
immoral, research obviously reflects decidedly different behavior. Having an affair has become like a shadow institution in this country:
it's so ingrained in our culture that we take it for granted as inevitable.
Cheating on one's partner is a pivotal plot point in countless television
shows, movies, plays, operas, pop songs, and even commercials. It has
become so widespread that it has spawned an entire industry of dating
websites for cheaters to meet other cheaters, books and self-help programs, and private investigation services. Although publicly it's
considered unacceptable, it has become an accepted part of life.

For those people who manage to avoid cheating (or being cheated
on), there is still a general dissatisfaction with monogamous relationships. Complaints about being stuck in a rut abound. Everywhere you
look, you are urged to "spice up" your sex life, reignite the romance,
combat monotony, or bring back the spark in your relationship. The
number of magazine articles, books, talk show episodes, workshops,
retreats-not to mention people's individual counseling sessionsdevoted to these topics is staggering.' Couples therapy is a booming
business. Lots of people seem pretty unhappy

Those who talk most about the blessings of marriage and the constancy of its vows are the very people who declare that if the chain
were broken and the prisoners left free to choose, the whole social
fabric would fly asunder. You cannot have the argument both
ways. If the prisoner is happy, why loch him in? If he is not, why
pretend that he is? -George Bernard Shaw'°

It's no wonder people are so dissatisfied: monogamy sets most people
up to fail. The rules of traditional monogamy are clear: you've vowed to
be emotionally and sexually exclusive with one person forever. But it's
the unspoken rules that will trip you up. We've collectively been sold
a fairy tale of finding that one person with whom you'll live happily ever after. The expectations are endless: your one-and-only is your
soul mate, the person with whom you are 100 percent sexually and
emotionally compatible, your "other half" with whom you share the
same values about everything. He or she will fulfill all your needsphysical, emotional, psychological, affectionate, financial, romantic,
sexual, and spiritual. If you are truly in love, you will never have any
desire for anything from anyone else.

Some people see through this unspoken mythology, consciously
reject the unreasonable expectations, decide to commit to one partner,
and are satisfied. These folks choose monogamy and it works for them.
But it is more common that people are monogamous not by choice,
but by default; they believe monogamy is what everyone else is doing,
what is expected, and how relationships are supposed to be. In addition, they have grown up with messages about the fairy tale, it has
seeped into their consciousness, and they work hard to live up to all
the hype. The problem is that those unspoken expectations of monogamy
are unrealistic and unattainable.

When someone in a monogamous relationship is first confronted
with a desire that contradicts the mythology, it causes a range of reactions.
Perhaps you realize your partner isn't meeting all your needs. Or you find
yourself attracted to someone else. At first you feel guilty because you're
not supposed to have those feelings. They're supposed to be reserved for
your one-and-only! If you were really in love... But you have them, and
you have some options. You can recognize the feeling without shame
or guilt and decide you're not going to act on it because you don't need
to or want to. You will probably feel good about this decision-it is the
decision made by people who've thought about monogamy and chosen
it consciously But the next three options are far more common: 1) Deny
the desire: This is a coping mechanism that sends your feelings underground, where they fester, leading to resentment, anger, and disconnection from your partner. 2) Indulge the desire: Your only option here
is to cheat, which leads to deception and betrayal. 3) Fulfill the desire: You can only truly fulfill it if you end your current relationship and
then start one with the new person. Serial monogamy, here we come!

In actuality, there is another option. There are several, in fact. But
they all require that you give up monogamy Cheaters do at least one
honest thing: they acknowledge that one partner can't meet all their
needs and that they want to have sex or a relationship with someone
other than their current partner. Then they fuck everything up by
lying. They act on their desire with dishonesty by sneaking around,
keeping secrets, and shutting down communication with their partner.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never was. -Anonymous

People who practice nonmonogamy begin from the same premise: one
partner cannot meet all their needs and they may want to have sex or
a relationship with someone other than their current partner. But
instead of hiding it, they bring this fact out in the open. They don't
stifle their behavior based on how they're supposed to act. They open
the lines of communication. They talk honestly about what they want,
face their fears and the fears of others, and figure out a way to pursue
their desire without deception. They don't limit themselves to sharing
affection, flirting, sex, connection, romance, and love with just one
person. They believe strongly that you can have all these things with
multiple people and do it in an ethical, responsible way

There are no scripts or models for open relationships, so people
in them must invent their partnerships by living them. When their
relationships change, they are just as likely to renegotiate them to
make them work as they are to end them. Because they have multiple
experiences, people, and relationships in their life, they rarely get
stuck in that rut that monogamous people complain about.

On the surface, it may seem that people in nonmonogamous relationships give up the comfort and security of monogamy After all, on a
regular basis they must confront one of our deepest fears-that a partner is going to leave. But they value their freedom and the freedom of
their partners, and with that freedom comes, for some, a greater sense of
security It sounds like a contradiction, but one of the most profound
things I have learned from people in nonmonogamous relationships is
how confident and content they feel about the strength of their partnerships. One woman said she knows her partners are in a relationship
because they want to be, not out of any obligation. Another told me that
because her relationships aren't built on false ideas about exclusivity forever, she feels more cherished by her partners; she said, "There is an
investment in what we have rather than what we should have." But all
this freedom doesn't mean its a free-for-all. Nonmonogamous folks are
constantly engaged in their relationships: they negotiate and establish
boundaries, respect them, test them, and, yes, even violate them. But the
limits are not assumed or set by society; they are consciously chosen.