Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (11 page)

Swinging is steeped in community, and most swingers belong to a local
group, attend social clubs, parties, and events, and choose their additional partners from within swinger communities. In fact, some swing
only at swinger-specific clubs and events. Because swinging is very
couples-focused and includes only single women, if you're a single guy
you're likely to have a tough time finding swingers' spaces that welcome you. (I have known two single friends to hook up and present
themselves as a couple to attend functions together.) If you live near a
large city (and even some not-so-large cities), chances are there is a
swingers' club or organization near you. A quick search on the Internet
can provide you with enough information to get started. (Also see the
Resource Guide at the end of this book.) An entire industry of clubs,
events, vacations, personals, and websites exists for swingers. For
some groups, you must attend an orientation or meet the leaders
before you're invited to a party. Other groups and small swingers' parties at private homes may be more underground and require that you
know a member to get in.

For some swingers, swinging is central to their social life-it is
their primary identity and community Others may float in and out of
the scene or only occasionally attend parties. Many swingers develop
long-term relationships with other couples, socializing and traveling
together away from swingers' events.

As with all sexual experiences, you need to approach swinging with a
clear sense of your limits-what's okay and what's not. Because
swingers are a close-knit group, people who don't respect others'
boundaries or don't follow the rules get weeded out pretty quickly
The majority of swingers are dedicated to being polite, respectful, and
well-behaved; consent is very important, and if they sense that one
spouse is being dragged along, that couple is not going to get a lot of
dates.

Once you decide what style of swinging you'd like to try, you
should decide where you want to do it. Swingers' parties are commonly referred to as "on premises" or "off premises." An "on premises"
event means that there are spaces where you can have sex on-site at
the house, club, hotel, or other venue. So if you meet someone you
like, you don't have to leave to hook up. These spaces may be public
(a large ballroom at a hotel), semipublic (multiple rooms without
doors, or cubbies with curtains), private (rooms with doors that shut),
or some combination. An "off premises" event is a party where you
can meet other swingers but you must go elsewhere if you want to
have sex. An off premises party may be held at a local bar or club, for
example, where the atmosphere is sexually charged; flirting and petting are fine, but if you want to go beyond that you have to go to
someone's place. Some events take place at hotels, where you can
socialize in large public spaces and retire to your room for sexual
action.

The conflicts that come up with partnered nonmonogamy apply also
to swinging, especially if sex becomes more than casual and recreational or you neglect your primary relationship in favor of swinging.
Because the swingers' world is so couples-centric, there is a built-in
expectation that your primary relationship should be the focus.
Couples come to swinging with the intention to maintain their relationship while having sex for fun and pleasure, but that doesn't mean
that things cannot go awry If you can find swingers who have similar
intentions and goals, you're ahead of the game.

A potential issue may come up with bi-curious or bisexual men.
It used to be that male bisexuality was forbidden in nearly every
swingers' space, but things have changed a great deal. Today, there are
swinger communities that support male/male attraction and sex, and
some events even cater to bisexual women and bisexual men. If you are
a bi-curious or bisexual man and you are concerned about whether
you will be accepted, I recommend you do some research to find bifriendly swingers near you. Similarly, if you are outside the core
demographic of swingers, know that there are swingers' groups for
people of color, urban swingers' parties, and events that cater to kinky
swingers or swingers under 40. If its swinging you want, you can
probably find a community within this large subculture that suits you.

PROFILE: AGNES AND RAYMOND

"We trust ourselves, therefore we trust each other."

AGNES IS A 55-YEAR-OLD sales representative with one of the largest
cosmetic companies in the US. Raymond is 55 and works for a public
utility company They live in Iowa and have been married for 20 years. This is the second marriage for both of them; during their courtship
and the beginning of their marriage, they were monogamous.

About six years ago, after 14 years of marriage, they were sharing
erotic fantasies with each other and Raymond asked Agnes if she had
ever had a fantasy about being with another woman; Agnes said yes.
They agreed they wanted to try to fulfill the fantasy, but they had no
idea how to do it. Agnes says, "We made a trip to Kansas City and
answered an ad placed by a woman in a weekly alternative newspaper.
She came to our hotel room and the three of us had sex. Okay, so we
had to pay her, but it was still fun!" After that positive experience, they
found a swingers' club closer to home, then went to a "swingers' week"
at a resort. For Agnes, the transition from monogamy to swinging was
a long process:

"When we first went on vacation to an adult resort-Hedonism II
in Jamaica-it wasn't difficult to go to the beach and get naked,
because we were already nudists. What was difficult was grasping the
concept that we were there to have sex with other people. I felt
immense pressure being put on me to `find someone to have sex with.'
Raymond thought he was giving me the freedom to find women or
couples I was comfortable around. I thought that everyone I talked to,
had coffee with, or met for dinner, it automatically meant we were
going to hook up. Way too much pressure. We eventually found a
couple that helped us get over our newbie jitters. Once we relaxed, we
met lots of new friends and had a great time; some new friends we had
sex with, some we didn't. It was definitely a new situation for both of
us and we learned a lot from that first vacation.

"After that vacation, followed by more swinger events, we talked
at length about how we felt, what we liked and disliked about the
event and the couples we met. The idea of sharing each other with
another person, and then talking about it, was scary at first. Seeing
your partner with someone else having a good time brings up those
green-eyed jealousy monsters. We talked a lot about the strength of our commitment to each other and how much each other's happiness meant
to both of us. We talked about how we are married, have a good marriage,
and plan to stay that way We trusted ourselves, therefore we trusted
each other. We've grown to like the idea that we both have the freedom
to pursue sexual pleasure from other people, within the boundaries
we've set. Since we've had these outside-of-marriage experiences with
other people, we discuss topics more openly with each other. Nothing
is off limits: feelings, ideas for sex, money, retirement, travel, healthyou name it, we talk about it. By trusting ourselves and each other,
stepping out of the `monogamy box' has been very liberating for us."

TO DISTINGUISH POLYAMORY from swinging and partnered nonmonogamy, poly relationships are usually characterized as "sexual and
loving," a shorthand way of saying that polyamory involves not just
sex, but emotional relationships. But based on my research, "sexual and
loving" doesn't capture the nuances and complexities of polyamorous
relationships, or the way in which polyamory not only rejects mainstream models but expands our ideas about what constitutes a
relationship. I would define polyamory as the desire for or the practice
of maintaining multiple significant, intimate relationships simultaneously These relationships may encompass many elements, including
love, friendship, closeness, emotional intimacy, recurring contact,
commitment, affection, flirting, romance, desire, erotic contact, sex,
and a spiritual connection.

Now, some swingers and partnered nonmonogamists might argue
that while their outside relationships are primarily sex- or BDSM-based,
there is also an emotional connection or some other element from the
list above. Setting up false dichotomies such as sexual versus emotional,
casual versus committed, or playful versus serious just gets us into a
whole heap of trouble. Some people I interviewed conceptualized and constructed their relationships in all the ways I've just discussed but
say they aren't polyamorous. Two people may define their relationships
in very similar ways, yet one calls herself nonmonogamous and the
other polyamorous. Remember: don't get stuck on the labels if they
feel confining to you; define your relationships on your terms.

Some polyamorous people have strong ties to a local poly organization or community, a broader poly community, or both. Others may
not identify with any community, for a variety of reasons: there is no
organized group in their area, they have no interest in a broader community, or they don't feel they are part of one.

There is no single way to be polyamorous. Some poly people pass
judgment on others, saying, "Well, she's not really poly," but that kind
of attitude is counterproductive. The beauty of polyamory is that it
frees you from arbitrary lines and limits, so why construct new ones?
Indulge in the freedom to define polyamory and your relationships
however you want. Now, that said, there are some similarities among
polyamorous people in their basic beliefs and practices. Not every
polyamorous individual shares all the values discussed below, but they
were echoed again and again by the people I interviewed.

Many polyamorous people believe that it's unrealistic to expect
that one person can fulfill all your needs. Therapist and author Daphne
Rose Kingma cleverly describes our unreasonable fairy-tale expectations about relationships:

When we fall in love, we're not just saying, "My, what a wonderful mind you have, it'll be a joy to talk with you over the
next fifty years." What we're actually saying is "My, what a
wonderful mind you have; I'm also expecting you to be a
great lover, a great father, a wonderful Friday night date, my comforter in times of sorrow, my social sidekick, my political
compatriot, the person my parents will dote on, as well as
my guru, my emotional crying towel, and my First Personal
National Bank."'

One of the reasons relationships fail is because we do have unrealistic expectations going into them, fueled by myths about "the one"
true love who's going to be our "everything." Polyamorous people recognize this fallacy and respect each person's capabilities and limits
when it comes to what they can give. Instead of attempting to change
someone, demanding that they be something they're not, or resenting
them for not being Superpartner, poly people have multiple relationships so as to fulfill more of their sexual and emotional needs.

Let's say you're involved with someone and you develop feelings
for another person. People who practice monogamy believe they must
make a decision: squash the feelings and desires this new person has
stirred in you and remain faithful to your current sweetheart, or break
up to pursue a relationship with the new person. People who practice
polyamory don't feel compelled to make it an either/or situation. That
doesn't mean that everyone who comes along is fair game, but the possibility is open without having to end one relationship to pursue
another.

As a group, polyamorous people have the courage to think outside the box of monogamy and to live outside the box. They recognize
the importance of growth, for themselves as individuals, for their partners, and for their relationships. In general, they actively engage with
their partners and work on their relationships; after all, it's pretty difficult to coast or to be on automatic pilot with more than one person.
Many of the polyamorous people I interviewed said that one should
allow a relationship to become whatever it will become. In other
words, don't attempt to define it or limit it; instead, let the relationship
evolve organically wherever it's going to go. For example:

In a monogamous world, if you have somebody that you love to
kiss and you're not dating anyone else, there's pressure to figure
out if you're going to take it to the next level or if you're not going
to go there anymore. I have friends that I really enjoy kissing, and
that's it. I get to let those relationships be exactly what they are,
and that feels really comfortable to me. -Ruby Grace

You might try polyamory if:

• you want to have multiple relationships and define those relationships on your terms