Out of Breath (38 page)

‘What about Ben? He was the salutatorian,’ I questioned, feeling increasingly ill the more he spoke.

‘He refused.’ Evan shrugged. ‘I don’t know the exact details, but I ended up having to give a speech that was supposed to encourage everyone to go after their dreams. How was I supposed to convince them to look forward to their futures when I couldn’t see two steps in front of me? It was a disaster.

‘And then I went to Yale. I wanted nothing to do with you, so I didn’t fight it at first. It wasn’t in me to care any more. I’d go to classes during the week, and spend the weekends at home … with Analise.’

‘Analise?’ My voice broke.

I lifted my eyes towards the shifting sky and gathered myself. Knowing how much I was hurting her was killing me, which was the reason I didn’t want to share this with her to begin with. But I was convinced it was the only way we’d finally be able to heal.

‘She was always a friend. She cared about me. And so we’d hang out, and she’d try to take my mind off you. And I let her. By Christmas the worst of my anger had disappeared. But then I wanted answers. I needed to see you, so I could ask you why. I tried to come out here over break, but my parents wouldn’t let me touch my savings, and my father eventually took my car away when they realized how determined I was.

‘I couldn’t reach you. The McKinleys were as evasive as everyone else, and Sara didn’t even pick up my calls. I was so cruel to her after you left, basically taking it out on her, forcing her to avoid me completely – even while she and Jared were still dating. I wasn’t myself, and I was dragging everyone down with me in my misery.’

I paused to look over at her. Emma was clutching her knees tightly to her chest as her body trembled.

‘Are you okay?’ I asked, wanting to comfort her. But I couldn’t bring myself to touch her … not yet.

‘Keep going,’ she murmured, her voice strained.

This was torturing her. Guilt was her poison, and I was pouring it down her throat. I continued with the honesty, hoping in the end she could let it all go.

‘Analise tried to rationalize with me, about how it was your choice and that I needed to respect it and leave you alone. But she didn’t know you – not like I did. It was hard for her to see me go through it. I think it was right around the beginning of the next year that we started dating. She was finishing her senior year, and I was … I wasn’t doing much of anything. If she wasn’t there to make me, there were days I wouldn’t get out of bed.

‘I can’t even imagine what that was like for her. I have no idea why she wanted anything to do with me.’

The thought of her comforting him, convincing him to let me go, made my chest want to cave in on itself. I squeezed my legs tighter to keep from falling apart.

‘She tried,’ he continued, as much as I wished he’d stop. ‘But she wasn’t you. And as long as you were out there somewhere … I couldn’t let you go until I got the answers I needed. At least that’s what I convinced myself. When she saw the transfer application to Stanford that broke her. She thought I was going after you. And on some level, I guess I was. She had every right to hate me. But then, inexplicably, she forgave me.

‘Something went wrong with the transfer. I should have suspected something, but I didn’t. She eventually confessed to withdrawing the transfer because she wanted to
keep me from getting hurt again. I was furious. She’d become yet another person making decisions for me. So I stopped talking to her, and we never saw each other again … well, until she showed up at my house the day of Rachel’s funeral.’

‘She did?’ I asked in shock. ‘Why?’

‘She knew you were in Weslyn for the funeral. Maybe she wanted to be there for me, in case I … But … I wanted to be there for you.’

‘Did you … love her? Forget it. I don’t –’ I stopped, clenching my teeth together. ‘I don’t want to think of you with
her
.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said soothingly. ‘I know subconsciously that’s why I did it. To hurt you. And that’s so messed up. But she was a good friend, Em, as much as you didn’t like her.’

‘I know,’ I muttured.

‘So I’m not perfect in all of this. I’ve done some pretty awful things to people I cared about. I ruined a good friendship with Analise. I slept with Catherine, even though I never cared about, or even liked her. She was just another in a line of catastrophic choices. All because I was desperate to get over you. But they were
my choices
. Your choice was to leave. The rest were mine.’

My body shook as I bent over and cried into my arms.

I didn’t want to hurt her any more. There was only so much honesty a person could take, and she’d reached her limit. But I wasn’t done. I knew if I didn’t finish now, she wouldn’t understand, and I’d risk losing her for good.

‘The nightmares started last summer when I realized I wasn’t going to Stanford in the fall. I’d broken things off with Analise,
and I was convinced you were never coming back. I wanted to move on, to try to live a life without you, but I wasn’t living. Emma –’ She lifted her tear-stained face. ‘I’m not supposed to live without you. And you’re not supposed to live without me. We’re in this life together. Without each other, we’re not really living.’

‘Why did I have to know?’ I asked in a broken voice. ‘Because it hurts to think of you with … them, to know what I did to you. It’s like you’re squeezing my heart with your bare hands. I know I deserve it. But why tell me?’

‘Because we need to always be honest, even when it’s hard. And you need to know that I’m not perfect either. I’ve screwed up, and I’m so sorry. But it’s done now. And whatever you’re holding on to that makes you think I’ll hate you, I want you to be able to tell me, and know that even if it hurts me, I’m not going anywhere.’

‘You can’t say that,’ I argued. ‘Evan, what if I did the most awful thing you could imagine? I don’t know if you could still love me.’

‘But I know you, Emma. I do
know
you. Your heart won’t let you do anything that could make me not love you. And I’ve seen your vicious side. I was there when you confronted Rachel. I’ve seen how ruthless you can be. It’s a side I don’t like, but
you
don’t either. So I’m not afraid that’s who truly you are. Because it’s not. It’s the hurt and pain lashing out, needing to make someone else feel the way you did all those years. It’s not good, Em. But it doesn’t define you.’

My heart was pounding erratically. He was offering a safe place for us to open up and tell each other what we knew would hurt, owning up to our faults with the expectation
of letting go and moving on. An exchange of our most awful mistakes. But I was holding on to something far darker than he could imagine, and it
would
change the way he looked at me. I couldn’t do it. I knew if I did, I’d lose him forever, and then I’d be worse than nothing.

‘I’m not ready,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’

I could see her fighting with it, the decision to tell me whatever it was that still held her captive, keeping her from me. I knew in every muscle of my body that it had to do with Jonathan. Something
did
happen between them. But she had to be the one to tell me. And as long this secret still loomed between us, I wouldn’t be able to completely forgive her. I also knew I couldn’t breathe without her.

‘I’ll give you time. But we’re not going to be able to move on if you can’t tell me everything.’ Her eyes dipped sorrowfully. ‘Come here.’ I held my arms open, and she moved between my legs, leaning her back into me so I could wrap my arms around her. She laid her head on my arm, and I kissed the top of her head. ‘We’ll get through this. I believe in us.’

Emma wrapped her arms around mine and squeezed. ‘I want to believe.’

‘Look at me.’

She twisted around to face me. Her eyes were raw from crying, and her breath trembled with each inhale. I ran my finger along her damp cheeks. ‘I love you.’

I peered into his intense blue eyes. They bared all that was vulnerable and pure in him. The part that just wanted to protect me, to encourage me to be better, to make me happy. He revealed it so plainly, my chest swelled
with a flittering warmth. If I knew anything, I knew he loved me.

‘And you love me.’ He stated it as the truth it was.

‘I do. Loving you is the only certainty in my life. I will never stop. But it was because of how much I love you that I ended up hurting you so badly. I only wanted you to be happy, and be rid of my destructive life. And you’re so beautiful and perfect – even with your flaws. I couldn’t destroy you too.’

Evan laid his hand on the side of my face. ‘Stop trying to protect me from your life. I knew exactly what I was getting into. I never doubted you loved me, not ever. All I want is for you to trust me, Emma.
Please
.’

‘Trust isn’t going to save me,’ I told him, pressing my forehead against his chest as he hugged me tight.

‘Let’s go back to the house,’ Evan said, nestling his chin into my hair.

I helped her off the sand and held her against my side as we walked back into the house. Disclosure was draining. Every part of me ached.

‘Will you stay with me tonight?’ she asked in a hush, leaning in to me. I could feel the energy seeping from her.

‘I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I did,’ I said, pulling the smallest smile from her exhausted face. I led her into the room, and she practically collapsed on the bed, kicking her shoes off with her toes. I slid the covers out from under her and after removing my shorts and shoes, slid in behind her, pulling her to me so I could feel her heart beating against my chest. ‘Emma?’

‘Hmm,’ she murmured, already half asleep.

‘When can I kiss you?’

I was too exhausted to move, but that one question released an unexpected surge, and I was suddenly very much awake. I rolled over to face him, and he grinned at me. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’ I smiled softly, running my hand into his hair. ‘You can kiss me now.’

My heart stammered as his lips pressed against mine. So familiar, but different at the same time. Our passion increased as he pulled my lip into his mouth and slid his tongue in mine.

Heat surged through me as her lips teased mine, her tongue caressing in a slow sensual pace. I gripped her tighter, having wanted, needed, to taste her for so long. My pulse raced as I leaned into her, sliding my hand along her back. She gasped as the pressure of our bodies intensified. I opened my mouth and teased the spot below her ear with my tongue. She released a small sound of pleasure that drove me crazy. My breathing picked up as I found her lips again, pressing against them with urgency.

I knew that we needed to stop, but the more she breathed in quick pants, the more my body responded, not wanting to pull away. She dug her fingers in my hair, and I was consumed by the softness of her lips, the touch of her tongue – her subtle floral scent intoxicating me. Emma wrapped her leg around me and tilted her head back to expose her throat, inviting me to take it. I trailed my mouth along it, tasting the salt on her skin.

She reached for my boxers, and that’s when I knew this wasn’t that moment. We were raw and hurt, and this wasn’t going to heal us. I gently moved her hands away and whispered in her ear, ‘I want you so bad, but we need to stop.’

I sank into the bed. ‘I know,’ I breathed, trying to
recover. I was so caught up in the need for him, wanting him, that I couldn’t stop even when the resounding voice told me,
Not yet
.

I leaned over to see his face, to run my hand over his cheek and caress his lip with my thumb. I stared into the depths of his eyes, and my entire world steadied as I lay there in his arms – exactly where I belonged.

‘W
HAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TOMORROW
?’ Sara asked from the hammock.

‘Evan went to go pick up my surfboard, so I’d like to go surfing,’ I answered, leaning back on the stool to scrutinize the painting in front of me. I picked up the fine-bristled brush and tapped it into the dark blue paint.

‘Didn’t you buy that last week?’

‘Yeah, but they had to get it from another shop. We were supposed to pick it up yesterday, but something got screwed up with the delivery. Evan was beyond disappointed when it wasn’t in.’ I smiled, remembering the crushed look on his face when the guy at the surf shop told him he’d have to come back this afternoon. You would have thought he’d just been told there wasn’t a Santa Claus.

‘I’d love to watch you surf,’ Sara said, a magazine shading her face.

‘Sure.’

‘Then want to go out to dinner after? Just the four of us?’

‘That’s fine,’ I agreed, not really wanting to think about tomorrow. It wasn’t a day I ever wanted to think about.

‘I have it!’ Evan bellowed through the house, his voice full of excitement.

He came out to find us, his eyes lit up with a gorgeous smile. ‘You officially have your first surfboard.’

‘Great.’ I laughed lightly. ‘We’ll go tomorrow.’

‘Tomorrow?’ His shoulders slumped in disappointment.

I smiled wider, adoring his fixation with seeing me on a board. ‘It’s already late. We’ll go first thing in the morning. I promise.’

‘Tomorrow,’ Evan repeated in defeat, coming up behind me and placing his hands on my waist, sending a tingling along my skin. He leaned over and kissed my bare shoulder before setting his chin on it to examine the painting. I leaned back against him as he encircled me with his arms.

‘It’s not done yet,’ I rushed to explain, my cheeks as red as the hues on the canvas. I could feel him interpreting every stroke.

‘It’s intense.’

It was a powerful piece, but unsettling at the same time. I wasn’t going to say that to her, but I’m sure she knew. The desperation she released with her brush was impossible to miss. A swirl of colour and textures, abstract images of hands reaching out through turbulent seas, blending with the motion of the waves. It fed the disturbing sense I had that there was some deep-seated desire in her to give up on this life. It wasn’t the first time I’d experienced this fear.

‘I was hoping to talk to you about something,’ I murmured into her neck before pressing my lips against her warm pulse.

‘What’s that?’ she asked in a breathy voice that made me want to push her up against the railing of the deck and make her entire body flush the way it did when she got excited. Then I noticed Sara reading on the hammock and eased away, needing to tame those thoughts.

‘When you’re done, we’ll go for a walk,’ I said.

‘How about a run? Soccer conditioning starts in a few weeks, and I need to be ready.’

‘That’s fine,’ I agreed. ‘But you have to run
with
me so we can talk.’

She laughed. ‘I’ll slow down for you.’

I crouched down to tie my shoe when Evan came out wearing shorts and sneakers.

‘Evan,’ I scolded, the sight of him sending heart palpitating flutters through my body. ‘You have to put a shirt on.’

‘We’re still doing that?’ he argued. ‘Really?’

‘I’m going to fall on my face if I have to run next to you looking like that.’

‘I don’t look any different than most guys on the beach,’ he tried to persuade me.

‘It’s
you
,’ I stressed. ‘Any other guy could look exactly like that shirtless, but it’s
you
shirtless that makes my brain go all stupid.’

He laughed.

‘What? I’m just being
honest
,’ I shot back, my confession drawing colour to my face.

I stood up, and Evan pulled me in by my hips. ‘Then if we’re just being honest,’ his words tickling my lips, ‘I’d rather –’

‘Really don’t need to see that,’ Jared announced, walking out of the kitchen.

‘Let’s go,’ Evan said, grabbing a shirt he had lying on the back of the couch.

We eased into a run along the surf. I waited until we were at a comfortable pace before I started talking, wanting to make sure I could have a conversation and keep up with her at the same time.

‘So, I was thinking about going to see someone about my nightmares.’ I watched for her reaction out of the corner of my eye. ‘I was hoping it was something we could do together.’

I’d been going over how to present this to her since I’d made the phone calls yesterday, knowing how much she despised talking about her feelings, especially to strangers. It was hard enough getting her to open up to me and Sara.

‘Couples counselling?’ she teased.

‘Uh, no, but that may not be a bad idea for us.’ I chuckled. She shoved my shoulder. ‘It’s a therapist who works with people who’ve experienced trauma. I thought it might be easier if we did it together for a few sessions.’

She was quiet, keeping her eyes on the sand.

Just the thought of a therapist made my stomach twist into knots. I’d seen a couple in my lifetime and hadn’t found the process useful at all. Granted, the first time I was young and it was right after my father died, but talking about it didn’t bring him back. So I told the woman with the big front teeth who smelled like cherries exactly what she wanted to hear until she told my mother that I was adjusting.

Looking back, it surprised me that my mother had sent me. I couldn’t imagine her caring for anyone else’s feelings
other than her own. Maybe there were brief moments in my life when she was actually a mother, or perhaps the school counsellor had recommended it. That seemed more likely.

The second therapist I’d visited after being discharged from the hospital, during my junior year, when my world was upside down and inside out. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her anything. It was like my mind shut down and wouldn’t let me divulge any emotion or recollect a single traumatic moment – except in my nightmares. I went through the motions, fulfilling the court-mandated visits, and left her office just as defective as when I’d entered. So I was sceptical, to say the least.

‘Will you consider it?’ Evan asked when I was silent too long. ‘You’ll be helping me too.’

I glanced over at him, my anxiety swarming. But I couldn’t dismiss his request after he’d said that. ‘I’ll think about it.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Was that The Talk?’ I asked with a small grin.

‘It was.’

‘Then I’m going to run faster now,’ I told him with a quick raise of my eyebrows. ‘Keep up if you can.’ I pushed into the sand and propelled forward, needing to be filled with the rush of adrenaline that calmed me and made everything clearer.

‘Thanks for running with me!’ I bellowed as the distance lengthened between us. Her ‘think about it’ response was better than what I’d expected. I watched her push herself down the beach, knowing our conversation had probably fuelled her strides.

She waited impatiently for me in front of the house, her hands on her hips. I shook my head with a laugh.

‘Am I too slow for you, Emma?’

‘It’s not your fault you can’t keep up,’ she taunted.

‘I may not be able to keep up with you, but I can still catch you,’ I said, not slowing down as I lowered my shoulder and lifted her off the ground.

‘Evan, put me down,’ she hollered, her voice broken in laughter.

I held on to her thighs, which were slippery with sweat. My steps faltered as I ran into the water, not getting very far before a wave knocked us over.

Emma emerged with her mouth agape, wiping water from her face. ‘I can’t believe you did that!’ She splashed me, unable to keep from smiling.

I stood up to reach for her as she tried to escape towards shore with a laughing squeal. The knee-deep water slowed her down.

‘Not so fast now.’ I flung my arms around her waist. Her forward momentum dumped us on the sand at the water’s edge.

I rolled her over, her hair splayed across the sand. Her eyes sparkled as she smiled up at me.

‘You’ve got a little sand …’ I brushed my hand along her cheek. Her breath faltered. Gripping her waist, I drew her closer. She closed her eyes as I bent to taste the salt water on her lips. I could spend the rest of my life kissing her and never get enough. The heat from her breath parted my mouth, and I caressed her lip with my tongue, pulling her against me.

Evan held me to him and I wrapped my leg around his, the water running under us as we lay on the coarse sand. His hand slid along the back of my thigh. I let out a
small moan, tilting my head back – looking directly into a pair of big brown eyes. I pushed Evan away, and he pulled his head up, instantly letting me go as a small boy holding a yellow bucket continued to stare at us from a foot away.

I sat up, smoothing my hair back, my entire face on fire.

‘We’re, uh, pretty sandy.’ Evan looked down at the sand clinging to his wet clothes and skin. ‘Maybe we should get back in the water.’

My pulse still erratic from his kiss, I turned to him with a grin. ‘Outdoor shower?’

His lips parted to reveal a vibrant smile. I scrambled up to race towards the house. He grabbed my ankle, causing me to sprawl on the sand. Evan let out a chuckle as he sprinted past me.

‘Hey!’ I hollered, pushing myself back up and racing after him.

I could hear her coming up behind me, and dug in a little faster with a low laugh. She could outrun me in distance, but I could take her in a sprint. I leapt up the steps towards the gate to the patio. I had enough time to kick off my sneakers and socks before Emma slammed the gate behind her.

She stood before the fence, panting. A sexy smile crept across her face. I turned on the water to let it warm up as she deliberately flipped off her sneakers and peeled her socks from her feet without a word. I watched her move towards me, still with that seductive grin on her face, pulling her wet, sandy shirt over her head.

She reached for her waistband and stopped – looking at me, questioning. I shook my head, knowing that if she removed her shorts, my restraint would go with them. Emma stood before me,
her eyes not leaving mine as she slipped her hand under my shirt, the brush of her fingers on my skin making the muscles along my stomach constrict.

I reached over my shoulder and pulled my shirt off, dropping it on the wood slats. She pushed up on her toes as I bent to kiss her, my hands gripping her waist. Her skin was hot against my stomach as she pressed against me. I carefully backed up, leading her to the shower – hoping the temperature wasn’t going to disrupt our connection.

The water was warm on my back, so I guided her in with me. The water cascaded over us as our lips parted, exchanging the air between us. Dragging my mouth along her neck, I tasted the saltiness of her skin. She tipped her head back with a gasping moan. My back tightened as my body reacted to her.

Emma ran her mouth along my chest, and I dug my fingers in her hair, tilting her head and kissing her wet lips with such want that I was having difficulty remaining in control. I felt the edge of the stone bench against my calf and pulled her right leg up, setting her foot on the ledge.

I inhaled at his touch as his hand eased up my thigh, under my shorts. A flush of heat rushed through my chest. I closed my eyes, overtaken by the sensation. My breath broke into uneven bursts as I buried my face in his neck, teasing his skin with my tongue and brushing my lips along his jaw until I found his mouth, moaning into his parted lips as his touch pushed me over. I gripped his back and tightened around him, lost in the rippling current coursing through my body. I collapsed against him with a drawn breath.

‘I can still run faster,’ I murmured, my lips pressed against his smooth skin.

Evan laughed softly in my ear and whispered, ‘But you’ll never lose me.’

A pillow plopped against my head. I grumbled, not wanting to open my eyes.

‘Get up, Evan,’ Emma insisted.

My lids cracked open slightly. It was still dark. ‘What time is it?’

‘It’s technically morning,’ she said, sounding way too awake for that to be true.

‘Why aren’t you sleeping?’ I mumbled, pulling the covers up around my chin.

‘Because I couldn’t, so I decided we’re going surfing.’

I blinked my eyes open. ‘What?’

‘I thought we could be the first ones on the water. Just you and me,’ she explained, already dressed in a sweatshirt and shorts.

It took me a moment to register what she was saying. Then when it hit me I pushed the blankets off. ‘I’m up. Give me five minutes.’

‘I thought so.’ She beamed.

I shut the door to the bathroom, groggy but elated by her enthusiasm, realizing that this was a bigger deal than even she knew, especially today.

I was fidgety, wanting to get out of the house. When Evan finally came out of the bedroom, I tossed him a granola bar that he barely caught and left him trailing after me.

‘Wow, you really have a schizophrenic relationship with
mornings,’ Evan noted, shutting the door behind him. ‘You already loaded everything?’

‘I couldn’t sleep,’ I explained again. But sleep was never possible on this day.

‘Do you want to tell me why?’ he asked as I knew he would.

‘I’m anxious about today,’ I replied. ‘I need it to be a good day.’

He nodded, not asking for more, and said, ‘It will be.’ Evan spread his arms, and I stepped closer, squeezing him tight. He tipped my chin and kissed me gently, ‘Good morning, Emma.’

‘Good morning.’ I smiled because it truly was.

I handed Evan the keys and he drove us to the remote surf spot the guys had found. We carried our boards and wetsuits over our heads along a path lined with vegetation until it opened up at a rocky beach. The jetties were what made this place an excellent surf break.