Out of Chances (19 page)

Nothing. Everything he thought of was too desperate or too cool. He liked her, and not just because she popped around for sex. She didn't play games. She was honest and she'd told him that he was a dumbass for drinking and driving. She hadn't been worried about hurting his feelings and she hadn't worried that he'd laugh and walk away. She'd never actually said it was over.

I fucked up and ruined what we had, but I still have half a tub of ice-cream that needs eating before I move out.

He remembered the way it had tasted on her lips. The way her skin had felt as he'd slid his hands under her t-shirt. He missed her so much he was aching. He hit send before he could delete it.

Then he stared at his phone as though he could make her reply. It worked.

Now I know why your ex hates you so much

Ripley and I are friends. That's all
. She'd really believed the rumour … guess it did look like the truth. And he had been pretty keen to see Ripley perform. If he had been dating Ripley, he wouldn't have cheated on him with her. He had some standards.

I don't care who sux ur dick

The coffee in his stomach curdled. His skin went hot and he had to swallow several times before he was sure that he wasn't going to be ill—much the way he'd felt in the club while the girl was on her knees.

Indigo knew. That meant that it was somewhere out there online. He curled back on the sofa, drawing his knees up.

Fuck.

I never cheated on Lisa.
Had he cheated on Indigo? They weren't really together. She'd brushed him off. He'd felt like it was over. What was he looking for, the final word from her? A second chance? He wanted to know how she knew about the incident in the club, but he couldn't ask that.

Whatever. I wish we had never happened

He threw his phone across the room. He heard the glass break but he didn't get up.

‘Fuck.' It wasn't just his phone that was busted.

Chapter 15

That old saying about there being no such thing as bad publicity was more than a little true. The talk that had followed Gemma's coming out, and his non-reaction, had generated traction. Ripley had posted on his social media that despite Dan being straight they were friends—typical Ripley style and everyone had loved that.

The whole week Dan had been on edge waiting for that chick from the club to poke her head up and say something.

Nothing—perhaps she was embarrassed.

He was.

More than that, he knew that it had sealed his fate with Indigo. Of all the dumb things he'd done over the years, that was the one he was dwelling on. It replayed before he went to sleep at night. Why hadn't he said no, stepped away, done anything? Because he'd been too drunk to resist. It was a lame excuse.

While the fuss died down, their new single raced to the top of the charts. Like, the very top, as in it was making rotation on US radio. He was waiting for the bubble to break or something to go wrong. Everything else in his life was.

‘Is that the last one?' Mike leaned in the doorway and scanned the flat.

‘Yeah.' Dan took a final look. ‘I'll come back and clean.'

‘Nah, I'll pay someone to come and do a proper job.'

Ed and Gemma had already taken the other things back to the Vincent's place. Mike pulled a few sheets of folded paper from his pocket. ‘Ava printed this out for you.'

Ava was a nurse, and Mike was back on his very best behaviour. Dan took a quick glance. Signs of alcohol abuse and where to get help. He was about to scoff and hand it back with a laugh, but he could tick too many of the boxes. His father would be able to tick them too. He'd learned from the best and had never noticed.

He glanced at Mike. ‘You never craved it did you?'

Mike shook his head. ‘No. And I knew I was fucking myself up.'

‘I can't imagine not being able to drink.' There was nothing better than a cold beer at the end of a forty-degree day, or a show, or while playing games … it was amazing how many places he could make a beer fit.

‘Cut back.' Mike turned the page over. ‘Moderation. There are drugs that take away the buzz.'

‘Ugh.' He wasn't that bad. He could stop. He hadn't had a drink in two days. And it was killing him, not that he was going to admit that.

‘Ed is serious. If you get on stage, or you show up half pissed to rehearsal or filming …'

‘I get it.' He wasn't going to mess this up. Living with Ed and his parents was going to be a barrel of laughs, but it was his only chance. He was hating it already.

‘Good. Let's get this loaded and go out.'

‘So you can all drink in front of me.' Who needed enemies?

Mike shook his head and picked up a box. Dan grabbed a pile of clothes and shoved them into a large rubbish bag. He stopped in the front door and looked back at the flat. He'd moved in after the break-up with Lisa. The worst six months of his life had been spent here.

He drew in a breath. No, he wasn't sad to be moving out. It was almost a relief as he could close that chapter off his life and move on. Moving on didn't mean pretending that it never happened either.

Maybe it was time he grew up. Grown-ups made mistakes but learned from them. That was what he was going to do. What he had to do. Even if he didn't know what he was supposed to be learning. He shut the door and locked it.

After emptying Mike's car and filling Kirsten's old bedroom, now his room, with boxes and bags, none of which were getting unpacked, they all piled into Mike's car. Ed wanted to get out and celebrate their success. In Fremantle they took up a table in a dark corner of a Mexican restaurant.

‘This isn't just to celebrate Dan's move and freedom from his ex.' Ed grinned and pulled out his phone. Then he placed it on the table so everyone could see the email. ‘This is big. Every time this drama is advertised on TV or radio, our song is going to be played.'

Dan leaned forward and groaned when he saw which song it was. Gemma swore and then slapped him on the shoulder. ‘Nice going.'

Of all the songs that could've been picked it was the one he'd written the lyrics for while drowning in his own misery and tearing himself apart. ‘Seppuku'. He should've known that writing something so personal would come back to bite him on the ass.

Everyone else was thrilled and ordering beers. He didn't … even though he really wanted to.

‘How long have you known?' Dan asked.

‘I told you that there was some interest, but I didn't know it was for that song. It will probably be a single now. This is the start. Things are looking up.'

Yeah, they were.

The waitress placed the cola down in front of him. It wasn't what he wanted. He almost expected someone to comment. No one did. He was sure that if he had ordered a beer they would've.

He'd work this out. Find a way back to being able to have one or two and not every day. He was sure that Ed would count his drinks for him, but Dan was also sure that as long as he asked for help he'd get it. They hadn't kicked him out, but he had to prove that he was going to change. Or at least trying.

He might have been rolling drunk that night, but he remembered what Ripley had said. The best was to annoy his father was to be successful, not a fuck-up. That was a complete one-eighty shift for him. But even bigger, he wanted to be successful because that was the life he wanted. That his friends wanted, and they were in this together.

Over dinner they celebrated another step forward for the band. Tonight they believed they could take on the world and win. They ate and imagined sold out stadium tours in the US.

Selling the Sun as a headliner at festivals.

Being too famous to walk around Fremantle.

Those things still seemed out of reach, but they were closer. Closer than they'd ever been.

Indigo was way out of reach. No, she wasn't just out of reach. She was completely gone, over the horizon, and out of his universe gone. She wished she'd never even met him.

He didn't feel the same way.

As they left the restaurant to head back, Dan stopped on the footpath. Indigo would be working. He'd brought up her number several times, but hadn't been able to call her. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to win her back or if it was even possible, but he knew if he didn't try it would haunt him.

How much did she really hate him? Or was she hurting like he was? He'd held the knife and cut them both—how stupid was he? He knew the answer.

‘Come on.' Gemma tugged on his arm.

If he left it any longer there would be nothing but a ghost of something that could've been. Maybe there wasn't anything left and he'd already missed the moment, but he needed to know for sure or he'd always wonder what would have happened if he'd put his ass on the line and asked her out. Do it properly. She'd said that she didn't want a relationship and he'd said the same thing … but when they'd been together it had been what he wanted. If that wasn't the start of something more, what was?

‘I've got something to do.' He crossed South Terrace before anyone could stop him.

He walked on, aware that they were following.

Did they think he was going to run off to the pub to drink? He literally had five dollars in his wallet and not much more in his account. All the money he'd spent on booze over the last six months. He didn't even want to think about it.

When he walked into the pub Mike called his name.

Let them follow.

Dan cast his gaze over the bar area. She wasn't serving. He kept looking, she had to be here. Then he saw her clearing tables. People who'd stopped in after work for a meal and a drink were leaving, while those who were getting ready for a big night out weren't making an appearance yet.

He exhaled and then walked over to her.

She turned, her eyes widening, then growing cold when she saw him. ‘I have nothing to say to you.'

‘Please. Give me a few minutes.' That was all he was asking. She didn't owe him that, but he liked her a lot. They'd had fun and when he was with her he had stopped hurting and thinking of all the bad shit.

She shook her head. ‘I'm working.'

‘Do you get a break, please? I know you're mad.'

She frowned and her lip curled in disgust. ‘You can sleep with whoever you want. But not me. We are done.' Her words caught as they left her lips and he knew that wasn't entirely true. She brushed past him.

He followed, well aware that his friends were watching.

He was going to crash and burn with an audience. He hated people seeing him … it was easier on stage when they saw what they wanted. If it had only been one afternoon with Indigo then he'd have remained rock star Dan, now she knew the ugly truth.

Was it too much?

He walked after her. ‘I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say.'

Indigo shifted the weight of the tray she was holding. ‘I don't care what you have to say. We had fun but that's all it was. Cheap thrills. That's what you like, right? Cheap and easy?'

He winced, but didn't try to deny it. They hadn't started out the best way, but that didn't mean there was nothing there. ‘I like you. I didn't plan on liking you.'

Her eyebrows lifted. He wasn't doing a very good job of this. He didn't know how. Had he ever had to fight for anything, or had he always walked away when things got hard?

The background music stopped. Indigo turned her head, Dan's gaze followed. Ed was leaning over the bar talking to the other bartender.

What the hell was he doing?

‘Oh God.' Dan rubbed his hand over his face as the first few measures of ‘Breathing Ashes' started playing. Just what he needed in the background, the stupid ballad he'd written with Gemma about being in love and the other person not knowing. Ed had created a beautiful melody to carry the lyrics, but it wasn't what he wanted to be hearing now.

It was the wrong song for the occasion. He didn't love Indigo. He didn't know her well enough, but he wanted that chance.

Indigo looked at him and raised an eyebrow. She was no doubt familiar with song and its meaning. ‘I don't even want to look at you.'

Saying that he didn't enjoy it wouldn't change a thing. ‘We weren't together.'

‘Oh … but you said you were only sleeping with me. What exactly was going on? How many others were there?'

‘There was no one else. You didn't want a boyfriend, you'd made that clear. You weren't even answering my texts.'

‘So after one argument you let someone else suck you off?' she said, a touch too loudly, and people glanced over.

‘It wasn't like that.' It just looked very much like that.

‘Would you have told me if I hadn't found out?'

He hesitated. He had no idea. If they'd been dating it wouldn't have happened.

She glared at him. ‘That was your chance to say something smart.'

‘I can't change it. It happened.' If he hadn't gone out, or if she hadn't brushed him off, or if he'd said no to the girl and meant it, he wouldn't be standing here now. ‘But we had something, and I miss you.'

She shook her head. ‘I can't trust you once you're out of sight.'

That hurt like a knee to the balls. The pain radiated up through his gut and for a moment it was hard to breathe. His friends were watching. Were other people realising what was going on? The room grew hot, like he was under a spotlight.

‘I'm not that person. I don't want to be that person. I'm not going to deny that it happened—I wish to God it hadn't—but at the time …' he sighed. ‘I didn't even want her. Which probably makes it ten times worse.' He looked away. Now would be a good time to salvage some pride and walk away. ‘I drink too much, but I'm working on it. I'll tell you all about Lisa when it doesn't kill me to say her name. I just want to give us a chance. I want to date you properly.'