Outside (17 page)

“Yeah!” Serena’s eyes light up and she nudges Holly out of the way. “Didja kiss him?”

My mouth falls open. “Of course not,” I say, indignantly.

“No, right. You save kissing for your wedding night,” Holly says, smirking as she pulls a striped green shirt off the rack. “And sex is for the one year anniversary.”

Jacki elbows her hard in the ribs.

“Ow! Jesus! I was kidding!” Holly scowls and moves to the other side of the rack.

“Start from the beginning. No, start from when he took you to the movie.” Jacki grins and I can’t help smiling back.

“Okay, well we got our tickets and then his old girlfriend came over to talk to him, but he didn’t want to talk to her so he asked me to hold his hand.”

“Hold up,” Serena says. “His old
girlfriend
? You mean Brittany?”

I nod. “Yes. Do you know her?”

Serena rolls her eyes and exchanges a cryptic look with Jacki.

Jacki shakes her head. “That girl, I swear… Okay, so you held hands. Then what?”

I shrug. “We watched the movie and then went to his house to eat pizza. I met his stepmother.”

Serena snorts. “Did she glare at you the whole time? She always gives me the weirdest looks, like she’s sizing me up for a fight.”

Nodding, I say, “I thought she was going to hit me. And I flinched and she laughed and Adam said something unkind to her and she left.”

Jacki nods. “Yeah, he’s good at that. Okay, so then…?”

Here’s the part I want to keep to myself. Adam kissing my cheek is private. I told Holly, but only because she’s my cousin. “He took me home and that’s it.” I shrug again and smile.

“Um, you forgot something,” Holly calls from the other side of the rack.

I shake my head. “No. I told all there is to tell.” I widen my eyes at her, willing her to keep her mouth shut.

“What about the part where he kissed you?” she blurts.

Jacki and Serena’s faces light up and they both gasp and squeal at the same time.

“Relax,” Holly says. “It was just on the cheek. Like I said, she’s saving all the good stuff for their wedding.”

It’s then that I realize Holly is mocking me. I scowl at her over the rack of clothes. “I’ll kiss him when I’m ready,” I snap.

She glares back at me. “I bet you won’t. I bet you’re too scared of getting pregnant or something stupid like that.”

My blood boils under my skin and my fists clench at my sides. “I don’t judge you for the things you do with Drew! Don’t you dare judge me for what I don’t do with Adam!”

Jacki holds her hands up. “Whoa. Holly, what’s
your
problem?”

Holly lifts one shoulder and goes back to searching the rack for clothes. “Look, all I’m saying is that you’re not in happy crappy cult land any more. You like a guy, you need to
show
him or he’ll find a girl that will. That hand-holding, cheek-kissing bullshit will only last so long. Then he’ll expect more.”

“Not true,” Serena says to me, shaking her head. “Adam’s not like that. I mean, he’s no virgin, but I really doubt he’ll
expect
anything.”

The noise of the store dies away for a moment. “What do you mean he’s not a virgin?”

The corner of Serena’s mouth lifts. “He’s… I mean, you know.”

I shake my head. “No, I
don’t
know.”

She sighs and looks to Jacki.

“
I’m
not a virgin,” Jacki says.

“Me either,” Serena adds.

Holly grins at me over the top of the rack. “Lost my V-card in eighth grade.”

The air goes out of my lungs. Not a virgin. None of them. They’re all fornicators, even Adam. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 echoes in my head.
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers…shall inherit the kingdom of God.

I know the scripture like I know my own name, but there’s a tiny part of me that wonders if that’s one of the scriptures that Elder Berman twisted to control us. Should I be upset that I’ve become friends with ungodly fornicators and stop associating with them? Or should I not pass judgment on them, as John 8:7 says:
…He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone...
I’ve sinned plenty since leaving Shiloh.

“Alaina? Are you okay?” Jacki touches my shoulder, her forehead wrinkled with concern.

“I’m…” Am I okay? I’m not sure. “I think I need some air. This store is…” I don’t finish my sentence. I just turn and walk out.

Once in the corridor, I spot an open bench and take a seat.

I don’t know why it’s so shocking. I kind of figured Holly had done some immoral things. The idea of Adam being with someone else is heartbreaking, though. Images of him kissing Brittany the way Avryn and Hayze kissed in the movie flood my mind.

“Yuck,” I breathe, pressing the heels of my palms into my eyes. I guess it was stupid of me to assume anything about him after he told me he’d kissed someone like that before. It makes me wonder what else I don’t know that apparently everyone else does.

Someone brushes against my arm as they sit beside me on the bench. Lifting one hand, I glance over with one eye. It’s Jacki.

“Don’t listen to Holly. She’s jealous, I think.”

“Of what?” I say, letting both hands drop into my lap.

“You. You and Adam but mostly just you.”

I squint at her. “Me? But why? I’m…I’m…” I shrug, unable to find an adequate word for how insignificant I am.

Jacki leans back, watching people stream past us. “She just is. She’s jealous of the attention you get. She’s always been like that. Even with me. She had a fit at her birthday party in fifth grade when I showed up with glow-in-the-dark beads in my hair and everyone told me how cool they were.” She laughs. “She literally told on me. Like, ran and tattled and said I was ruining her birthday.”

I shake my head, confused. “Why are you friends?”

“Because when she’s not being a bitch, she’s really cool and a lot of fun. The good outweighs the bad, you know?”

Nodding, I watch a group of people close to my age walk past. Most of them are holding hands with someone and it brings back those uncomfortable feelings about Adam. “Did Adam…Was it with Brittany?” I hope she understands what I’m asking. I don’t think I can say it aloud.

Jacki scowls, curling her lip. “Oh, God no!”

I stare at my shoes. “How do you know?”

“Because Adam told Drew and Drew has the biggest mouth on the planet.” She nudges my arm and I look up. “Remember that. Never tell Drew something you don’t want the world to know.”

“The same can be said for Holly, I think,” I say.

She laughs. “Yeah, that’s true. They make a good pair!”

“So,” I say slowly. “If it wasn’t Brittany, then…?”

She shakes her head. “You don’t know them.”

Them?!
“How many girls has he…?”

Jacki laughs. “You should see your face right now.” She puts her hand on my shoulder and shakes me. “Relax, Alaina. Serena’s right. Adam doesn’t
expect
anything from you. He’s not like that at all.” She nudges me again. “I don’t need to tell you that, though.”

Serena and Holly walk out of the store empty-handed. “Ready?” Serena asks.

Jacki glances at me, raising an eyebrow. I nod. “Ready.”

I’m not sure I feel any better about any of this, and I still don’t know the right way to handle being friends with blatant fornicators, but right now they’re all I have. And they’re not asking
me
to fornicate. That counts for something, I think.

After shopping in a few more stores, we take a break in the food court. Holly insists on buying a cinnamon roll for me to try, even though I’ve told her repeatedly that we made them all the time in Shiloh.

“You haven’t had one from Cinnabon, though,” she says.

When she takes off toward the Cinnabon stand, Jacki leans over and says, “She’ll never apologize for being a bitch, but she will make it up to you in her own way. Like, with cinnamon rolls.” Then she slips away to get in line with Serena at Great Wraps.

I find an open table and sit down. As soon as I do, my hip buzzes, making me jump and I realize it’s my phone. I forgot I had it tucked in my waistband with my shopping list.

There’s a message from Adam on the screen:
Already got our next trip planned out. When do you want to go?

My stomach knots. My thumbs hover over the screen as I try to decide whether to write
Now, Later,
or
Never
. I can’t stop imagining him kissing other girls. Faceless girls that dress provocatively and wear makeup. Girls that are nothing like me.

I type:
Now

I’d be lying to myself if I said I truly didn’t want to see him anymore. Besides, he’s not
still
kissing those faceless girls. I shouldn’t hold it against him. I should just push it out of my mind.

Is tomorrow okay? It’s kind of an all-day thing.

Smiling at my phone, I type:
Ok. Tomorrow. Where are we going? What time?

Pick you up at 10. Here’s a clue.

He sends a picture of a black and white bear. A panda, I think. We didn’t spend much time learning about animals in Shiloh unless they were animals we had to care for, like chickens and horses and cows.

I type:
Can’t wait!

“Who you texting?” Jacki asks, sliding into the chair beside me with a tray of food. Serena sits across from me with her tray.

Shoving my phone back in my waistband, I say, “Adam. We’re going somewhere tomorrow.”

She smiles and pops a piece of tomato from her sandwich into her mouth. “Y’all two are so cute.”

Holly appears in front of me and sets the biggest cinnamon roll I’ve ever seen on the table. “Bet they didn’t make ‘em like
this
in Shiloh!”

My eyes widen and I reach out, dragging one finger through the icing dripping down the side of the roll. “No, they certainly did not.” Sticking my finger in my mouth, savoring the buttery-sweet flavor, the disturbing images of Adam kissing other girls fade away.

When we get home, Beth is waiting for me in the living room.

“Alaina, something came for you today. In the mailbox.” Her eyes are worried and her forehead is creased as she holds a white envelope in her hands.

I hold my hand out and she hesitates.

“I’m not sure you’ll want this,” she says and then lets out a breath. “I’m not sure I want you to have it.”

Frowning, I crane my neck to try to read what’s written on the front. It’s just my name in big black letters. I’d recognize that handwriting anywhere, though.

It’s from Mother.

Beth hands it to me. “I’ll give you some privacy.”

“No,” I say, putting my hand on her arm. “Stay.”

Together, on the soft blue couch, we open the letter.

Dear Alaina,

It is heartbreaking to hear that you have chosen the way of sinners instead of taking this opportunity to return to the path the Lord has called you to. You have allowed yourself to be corrupted and fallen into their trap.

No matter what you do to conceal yourself and your sins from me, I will still see you. The Lord has granted me the eyes and spirit of a great prophetess. I will carry out his will to correct those that believe themselves to be greater than Him. Starting with you.

All my love,

Mother

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

ADAM

I thought taking her to the zoo would be cool. Too bad I didn’t check the weather first. We’re both soaked by a sudden downpour and huddle under an awning at a concession window, waiting for the rain to pass. Despite the fact that it’s been above ninety degrees every day for the past month, the rain is bitterly cold.

“Sorry,” I yell over the noise of the rain.

She smiles, her teeth chattering as she hugs herself. Her hair drips water onto her black and gray striped t-shirt. Goosebumps ripple up her arms and I feel even worse.

Without thinking, I put my arm around her shoulder and pull her to me. Her body goes rigid and I realize I may have crossed a line.

“Sorry,” I say again, lifting my arm off her shoulders.

She takes a step away, but hovers closer than she was.

“Just trying to warm you up.” I shrug, like an idiot.

She looks up at me, her wet eyelashes stuck together, making them darker than usual. After a moment of hesitation, she leans in slowly, positioning herself back under my arm. I bite back a smile and carefully pull her closer. Her body trembles against mine and I rub my hand over her bare arm, glancing around for somewhere warmer for us to take shelter. She presses against me, laying her head on my chest and I wrap my other arm around her, turning to the guy at the concession window. “Y’all don’t sell sweatshirts in there, do you?” I ask.