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She did, but was afraid of stuffing herself. "I'm going to let it settle a little first." She picked up the coffee and brought it to her mouth. "Mmm. This is really good, too."

He grinned, his gorgeous eyes shining. "I do cook a mean breakfast, don't I?"

"That you do." She turned in her chair, blocking the bright morning sun shining on her face. It was going to be a beautiful Northwest spring day once the frost melted.

"Glad you like it, because I don't make much else unless I break out the grill."

"Do you grill all year?"

"Otherwise I'd eat out too much."

"In that case, I'll have to pay you back with a nice dinner."

"Sounds good to me." Rusty put his hands behind his head and looked at Alyssa.

They sat in a comfortable silence, sipping their coffees. Squinting, Alyssa looked outside at the back yard. As expected, there was a big play structure full of slides, swings, and climbers. His kids must have enjoyed it—and they probably thought they would have had many more years to enjoy it.

Tears filling her eyes, she turned to look at him. "How do you do it? Get through every day, I mean." The hole inside of her felt like it had been ripped even wider, knowing what he had gone through.

"Some days, that's all it is—getting through it. I would give anything for another day with them. Just one more hug." His face clouded over. "There are times I can't stand to be here. Other times, I can't leave. The memories are all I have aside from the things they left behind."

Alyssa wiped tears away. "That's exactly how I feel. As much as it kills me, I have to move on. I can't keep living like I've been."

He nodded, looking at something behind her. She turned around to see several children's drawings and paintings hanging on the wall.

She turned around. "It's so unfair."

A tear ran down Rusty's face. "That it is. But on the other hand, I'm grateful for the time with them I did have. I wouldn't give that up for anything, even though the pain sometimes feels like it's going to kill me."

"It's never going to go away, is it?" asked Alyssa.

He wiped his cheek. "It gets better, but it also gets worse. I don't think it ever disappears. At least I hope not. I don't want to forget. Somehow the pain helps to keep the other emotions alive, too."

Alyssa raised an eyebrow.

"It does get easier to a degree, as I'm sure you've found. First, there's the initial horror followed by the stages of grief until we hit acceptance."

She nodded. "That's where I'm at. I think. But it gets worse?"

"I went through hell on the first anniversary of crash. I nearly went back to the booze, but the thought of going back to rehab was enough to keep me away. That and knowing none of them would want me to turn into a drunk. I nearly lost the house when I was in rehab—the very house where my kids lived their entire lives." Be blinked fast for a moment. "I used that as my anchor to keep everything together. That was when I decided to go into towing with the primary aim of keeping drunks off the road. I couldn't save my family, but maybe I could save someone else's."

Alyssa nodded, afraid of her voice. If she spoke, she might end up a sobbing mess.

"Then I joined a grief group. I'm not sure if it helped, but I couldn't keep going." His lips curled down. "There were too many people there who didn't want to move on. That wasn't what I wanted."

"The therapist didn't try to move the focus?"

"It was just a group. I think if it had a counselor of some kind, that would have helped. It was run by people who wanted to connect with other grieving people. That was probably part of the problem. That and the fact that the ones who were stuck tended to dominate things. I couldn't deal with it."

Taking another sip, Alyssa nodded. They sat quietly again for a while. She looked at the framed paintings on the walls and thought those—and everything else in the house—must be reminders of Lani and the boys. How did he do it?

She at least still had Chad and Alex. What would she have done if she had lost all three of them? There was no way she would have held it together as well as Rusty had. She cleared her throat. "Last night when I was lying in bed, I spoke to Macy. I felt a lot better. Actually, I think that's why I was able to sleep so well."

Rusty sniffled, giving her a sad look. "They still haven't found anything?"

Alyssa played with her hands under the table. "No. I don't know what the holdup is. I'm sick of it though. I just want answers. That's what Chad and I have been fighting about. I don't see how she can still be alive after all this time. It's time to move on and accept she's not coming back. Do you think I'm a horrible person? Do you think I'm giving up?"

"No, you're not horrible for giving up. I'm in no position to judge. I never had to live with the unknown. Reality was forced upon me from the moment it happened."

"I don't
want
her be dead," Alyssa said, her voice high. "That's the last thing I want, but I don't see how there's another possible outcome. Even if that one girl isn't her, we still know nothing about Macy. She's gone and she's not coming back. I can't keep acting like she is." The tears came again and Alyssa knew she was going to lose control.

She put her forehead on the table and sobbed. She was vaguely aware of Rusty sitting next to her and putting his arm around her. He didn't say anything. After what felt like forever, she looked up at Rusty, knowing she looked like crap and also not caring. "I'm not a bad mother. I'm not. I just have to face the facts."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. You've gotta do what you think is right."

Why couldn't Chad be this understanding? She crumpled, aware of the table coming at her face but not caring enough to do anything about it. She felt hands grasp her and found her head against Rusty's chest. He held onto her tightly.

"You're safe here. Just let it all out. Scream, cry or whatever you need to."

She closed her eyes, giving into the sobs once again. Screaming sounded nice, but she didn't have it in her then. She would have to do that another time. Alyssa felt drowsy, unable to open her eyes as she cried and shook. She really did feel safe.

Feelings

Alyssa opened her eyes trying to figure out where she was. It took a moment to realize she was in Rusty's guest room. How had she gotten there? The last thing she remembered was sobbing against his chest.

She smelled something cooking. Was that what had woken her up? She stretched and thought about what to do. Part of her wanted to stay in bed and never get up again, but that wouldn't solve anything. On the other hand, she wasn't sure how she felt about getting up to face Rusty after turning into an emotional mess like that.

Closing her eyes, she pretended that she was a careless teenager sleeping in a weekend. She had been able to out-sleep anyone back then.

The smell of food grew stronger and her stomach rumbled. She grabbed her bag and went into the bathroom. She looked as bad as she had suspected. She brushed her hair, but that didn't help, so she pulled it back into a simple ponytail before putting on some eye makeup and lip color. Nothing too fancy, but enough to look human again.

She got a flashback of teaching Macy how to put on makeup. At only twelve, she wanted to be grown up. Alyssa had been excited to show her how to put it on, even though she knew Chad would throw a fit—which he had, of course, since he didn't want Macy growing up.

Alyssa threw her eyeliner in the bag. Now he had his wish.

Not wanting to think about him any longer, she stormed into the guest room and threw her bag on the bed. Alyssa had to calm down before going into the kitchen. Rusty didn't deserve her anger, nor did she want to talk about Chad with him.

She made the bed and then paced the room, trying to calm herself. When she felt halfway normal, she decided to go to the kitchen. Maybe helping him with dinner would get her mind off everything. It smelled like he was making those omelet burritos he had mentioned earlier.

Tightening her fists, Alyssa took several deep breaths. She still felt anger burning toward Chad deep in her gut, but she would have to ignore that. At least she had someone to talk with who understood her.

She opened the door and went into the kitchen. Rusty had his back to her, cooking over the stove again. Alyssa walked over to him. "Do you want some help with that?"

He jumped. "You startled me. Did you get enough rest?"

"I suppose so. I can't remember going back to bed."

"You wouldn't. You fell asleep out here and I carried you back there."

"Sorry. Usually I'm not so lazy."

"You're not. Clearly your body needs rest. I have a feeling it's not something you've given yourself much of in a while."

"Not for lack of trying."

"Sometimes a new environment can make all the difference. I did the same thing when I went to rehab. If they would've let me, I would have slept for a week. Here, can you stir this?" He handed her a wooden spoon.

"Sure."

He grabbed some tortillas and salsa and somehow turned their breakfast into a respectable dinner.

"I thought you could only make breakfast and use a barbecue."

Rusty shrugged. "Maybe I exaggerated a little."

Alyssa actually smiled.

He pointed to a little pot at the back of the stove. "Can you stir those, please?"

She picked up another spoon and stirred, getting the refried beans unstuck from the bottom.

"Add some of this." He handed her a jar of sauce.

"What's this?" She looked at the blank jar.

"My special ingredient."

"Okay." She sprinkled a little on and stirred again.

"You'll need more of that."

She dumped a bunch in.

"Easy there. Not so much."

Alyssa smiled. "Make up your mind." She forgot about her problems as they finished making the burritos, even laughing and teasing each other. By the time they sat down to eat, she felt better than she had in a long time. Maybe a change of scenery—and people—was exactly what she needed.

When they were done eating, Rusty gathered the dishes and put them into the sink. He turned on the water and Alyssa stood up. "Don't even think about it. I'm going to clean those."

He moved aside. "Be my guest. I'll be right back."

She washed the dishes, ignoring the dishwasher. She scrubbed away her frustrations on the dishes, pots, and pans. When she was done, she went to the living and found Rusty putting on his coat.

"Grab your coat. We're going on a walk," he said.

"We are?"

"You need some fresh air. Hurry up. I'm not going to wait forever." The skin around his eyes wrinkled, indicating that he was holding back a smile.

"Yes, sir." She went back to the guest room and grabbed her coat, putting it on as she headed for the living room. The front door was open and Rusty was nowhere to be seen. Alyssa peeked outside and saw him standing on the porch, looking at the sky. The sun was going down and it was colored in pinks and oranges.

She stepped outside. "It's beautiful."

He nodded, still looking at it. "Nothing like sunsets around here." He closed and locked the door. "We'd better hurry before it gets dark."

"Are we going anywhere in particular?"

"There's a trail not too far away. It's peaceful and helps me to stay centered."

"Sounds nice." She followed him, trying to stay at his side. They walked in silence as she took in the beauty of the tall, dark green pine trees surrounding them with the sunset framing them. Soon they were walking along a dirt trail. Squirrels scampered along the ground, chattering at each other. She heard a stream somewhere and with it, the occasional frog calling out.

They came to a fork in the trail and they went left. The sound of the stream grew louder and he stopped in front of a row of benches. He sat down without a word and Alyssa sat on the same bench, but not too close. She looked around at the scenery, her eyes resting on the sky, its hues darker.

She breathed in the fresh air, noticing the spring scents of new life. Even the dirt smelled sweet. A flock of noisy geese flew overhead in a V-shape. She ran her hands through her ponytail, noticing that her body felt relaxed.

Then it hit her. Alyssa hadn't thought of Macy the entire walk. She hadn't once thought of her dead daughter. She was a horrible parent. Wasn't she supposed to take Macy with her wherever she went?

"Are you okay?" Rusty asked.

She turned to look at Rusty, unable to admit the truth. She just stared at him, finding it hard to focus on the details of his face because it was getting dark.

"Alyssa?"

Would he understand? Or would he think she was as horrible as she felt?

"What's the matter? Remember, I've been through this too."

"I forgot about her."

"You forgot…?"

"Macy. I didn't think about her the entire time we've been out here." Alyssa expected tears, but those were missing too.