Overcoming Fear (Growing Pains #2) (29 page)

Jim had always done that. He’d been appalled
by what he’d done, by a bruise on her arm, by her tears or her sore
lady-bits, and confess he lost himself. He’d say he was sorry, that
he’d never do it again, and that he would kill himself if he ever
hurt her. It was never his fault, either. It was his bro, who stole
his pot, or some guy who owed him money, or even her, who got him
so worked up he lost himself in sexual bliss.

Krista burrowed into Sean, needing his
warmth against the bitterness of her past. Needing him to
understand why she reacted the way she did. Needing him to stop his
self-loathing game and talk it out like an adult.

“
Should I go home?” she
asked tentatively after he hadn’t responded to her body or need for
cuddling. Sound seemed out of place in this fragile place they
found themselves.

“It would probably be safer for you,” he was
trying to keep his voice even but Krista could hear the tremor
under it.

She changed tactics. “I’m not afraid of you,
just my past. Do you want to be alone, or can I stay?”

“I think I should be alone.”

Krista’s instinct was to cling tightly to
him; to refuse to leave. But she probably couldn’t help him. He
needed support, but so did she. Many women could comfort others
when their life was falling apart. They were called mothers. Krista
wasn’t one of them.

They both got up and dressed in silence.
Sean’s body was bowed and withdrawn, his eyes still glassy, his
face a mess of guilt and self-hatred.

He had a bright pink mark on his cheek where
she’d slapped him.

Forming her own self-hatred, she gathered
her things, gave him a tight hug, then stepped out into the soupy
night. It was a shit end to a great weekend.

When Krista woke up the next morning she was
certain of one, tragic thing. He would end it. His insecurity would
feed off of the knowledge that he lost control and possibly
endangered her. Her slap would’ve driven home his wrongdoing. It
would have cemented in his mind what he’d done wrong, and that he
would irreparably hurt her in the future, if he hadn’t already.

If she had talked him down, he probably
would have been fine, like the last time. But eventually that, too,
would have caught up with that ego of his, and he would deduce that
he was bad for her. That he would never be good enough. That she
deserved better. With Sean, it was always that—he wasn’t good
enough.

She got up in a daze of sleep deprivation.
She dressed, put on makeup, did her hair and made her way to the
train. She didn’t notice the weather, nor the crowded train, nor
the small woman elbowing her in the ribs. When the train broke
down, she made her way to the station without notice of getting
bumped and jostled. When she finally made it to work ten minutes
late, she didn’t notice the path to her desk, nor her office. Even
the coffee tasted bland, and no amount of creamer or sugar would
help.

Kate and Jasmine knew something was up when
they came in to chat about the weekend, but trying to be
professional—in case people walked by—they let it go. Krista didn’t
really care either way.

Marcus came in, noticed her lack of interest
in the world, and asked if she had a late night. Her shrug and
disinterest made him look harder, and then come over and give her a
hug. He’d been there before, too. Every non-hermit had. Hell,
probably most hermits ended up that way because of broken hearts.
It was the way of the world when you were searching for that
special someone. You struck out a lot more often than you hit a
homer.

When the day ended and Sean came in, Krista
knew Doomsday had finally arrived. He looked as tired as she felt,
and as haggard. But he was resolved, and that was not good.

“Hey Captain, how was your day?” she asked
as she leant back.

“It was okay. Do you want a ride home?”

No!
“Uh, yeah, sure. I’m ready.”

He nodded. They walked quietly past Jasmine
and Kate, who were quick at putting two and two together. Jasmine
took out her phone and held it up. They were expecting a call
later, and Krista had a sinking feeling they would get it. She had
been down breakup alley before. She was definitely headed for
heartache tonight.

Sean waited until they got to their
neighborhood. Krista didn’t know if that was mercy for him, or for
her. The fog was suffocating in its intensity. They could barely
see to the end of a block.

Sean parked in the beach parking lot and
turned off the car. Krista waited patiently.

“First, let me say how incredibly sorry I am
that I scared you. It wasn’t my intention.”

All-time worst
openers.
Obviously
he hadn’t intended to scare her. What did he think, it was
April’s Fools Day? That maybe she thought it was all some big
hoax?

You’d think the guy was better at this, what
with all his many women. Or was he doing her a favor by explaining?
As if she needed it.

He paused.

This was The Sean Show, so Krista waited
patiently for the final act. Spoiler alert: This was a classic
breakup scene. Back in the day Krista would’ve already had an
argument ready as to why he was ending a great thing. She would
have her hands around his lapels in a claw-like grip, terrified of
being let go.

Not now.

The only thing it got her in the past was
embarrassed. She was better than that. She was an adult, damn it!
She wanted to work through these problems. Her problems—his
problems—they both had baggage, so what? It could be navigated.
Krista wanted to try; she wanted to talk it out. They had
something, all they had to do was fight for it.

To use an office cliché, Sean was not on the
same page. Bottom line, this was gonna hurt real bad.

“I just hope I didn’t hurt you,” Sean’s
voice was dripping with misery and regret.

“You didn’t,” she said simply. She wasn’t
going to make this easy on him, the twit.

He nodded and continued, looking out at the
rolling white. “I have really grown to care about you. Even before
we...became intimate, I cared about you. You mean a lot to me. I
don’t want to be responsible for hurting you. For dragging you
down. You are too precious for that. You are too precious to be
trampled. And I will trample you, Krista. We’ve already seen it
happen. You just...deserve better. You deserve a man who is going
to treat you like gold. Who is going to take good care of you. Who
is going to cherish every day he is with you.”

“And you wouldn’t?” she asked, even though
she knew the answer. He wouldn’t, because it was too hard. Because
he was too afraid. He didn’t want to get his hands dirty. Not for
her, at least. Maybe not for anyone.

“I would try. I
have
tried. But then I
have moments of insecurity. I try to fix that by sex, thinking it
will just go away. But it doesn’t. It just makes me feel guilty and
creepy. I just... Look, Krista, I’m a mess. I would try to treat
you like a princess then I would do something like last night and
end up jerking you around. You deserve better.”

“I do, you’re right. I
deserve a man who is going to realize his weaknesses, his problems,
and have the
courage
to work through them to be with me. I need a man who is
willing to treat his woman like she was invested, too, and trust
her enough to support him through his bad times as she hoped to be
supported through hers. Are you saying you are not that
man?”

She was using a different tactic than her
other break-ups. It wouldn’t help any more than the others, but it
seemed fitting. She and Sean had a relationship unlike any she’d
had before. They were solidly based on trust and friendship. The
only thing going wrong was the intimacy part. Which was a big part,
yes. And which was now broken. But they had the other parts to fall
back on now and Krista was desperately reaching for those. She
hoped that the intimacy crumbling wouldn’t bring it all down
together. She hoped they could clear the air and end up friends, at
the very least.

Sean nodded, head bowed. “I think it’s best,
Krista. I’m so sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry. It doesn’t do
anybody any good,” Krista said testily. She’d had enough. “Alright,
well, I’m going to walk home. Let’s try to forget about this in the
office, okay?”

His head snapped up, disbelief tinged with
hurt etched on his face. He wasn’t expecting that answer from her.
He wasn’t expecting her to be so calm about all this. “That’s
it?”

Oh yeah, buddy, poke the hornet’s nest just
to see how mad they are. Great idea.

“
What do you mean,
that’s it
?”

“You...you aren’t going to
say anything? You are just going to...I don’t know... It’s just...
Look, I care about you a lot. I
want
to be with you. It’s just...
I’m not good enough...”

“I know. I heard all that. If you’re asking
if I’m going to try and plead, or if I’m going to get angry and
throw a tantrum, what’s the point? You’ve made up your mind.
Anything I say won’t change it. Let’s just take this as a lesson in
life, another level to our friendship, another secret to our
working relationship, and move on.”

Krista’s resolve was ebbing. Her heart was
being ripped out of her chest, flung around the conversation, and
stepped on repeatedly. There was only so much time she could invest
in stopping the blood flow before she gave in and simply bled
out.

She leaned over, gave him a kiss on the
cheek, and got out of the car. He didn’t try to stop her. That was
always the worst part--the part where one had to walk away.

Especially when it was you, and the guy
didn’t try and stop you.

Halfway home, Krista calmly called Kate and
told her what happened. She was told Kate would call Jasmine and
they’d meet at Krista’s house as fast as she possible.

It was then that the uncontrollable tears
started. By the time Krista made it home she was a mess. She walked
past a bewildered Ben, and huddled on her bed until Kate and
Jasmine showed up sometime later to drag her out so Ben, Jasmine
and Kate could listen to the whole, though short, story of the
brief, but intense, love affair. They sat in contemplation for a
minute while Krista sipped tea. She hadn’t been allowed
alcohol.

After a while Ben said, “Well, it is obvious
he does like you. A lot, I think.”

“Yeah, he isn’t using you,” Kate said. “And
he isn’t doing that womanizer bullshit because he didn’t have sex
with you.”

“That was a shocker, actually, but I agree,”
Jasmine nodded, taking a sip of wine. Krista was the only one not
allowed to drink.

Krista nodded to that, fresh tears coming to
her eyes.

“I also don’t see a way around his issues,
though,” Ben said softly.

Jasmine and Kate nodded in unison. Krista
had come to the same conclusion.

“But he has to get over them sometime,” Kate
said, looking at Ben. “Right? No one wants to go through life
alone. And he’s old enough to know that, right?”

“True. But you would think he would try to
get over it with Krista. Maybe he isn’t ready...”

“Hmm,” Kate answered.

“What did his sister say?” Jasmine
asked.

“I didn’t call her. It hadn’t even occurred
to me.”

“Well call her, fuck-head!” Kate yelled,
going to get Krista’s phone. “Call her right now. She liked you.
She wanted it to work out with you and Sean. She knows him best,
maybe she can help?”

Krista took the phone. “But I only just saw
her. It’s kind of weird to call.”

“Call, bitch!” Kate said hostilely.

Ben and Jasmine nodded when Krista looked to
them for a second and third opinion.

Cassie picked up on the third ring,
“Hello?”

“Hi, Cassie?”

“Krista?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Oh hi! Missed me already?” she laughed.

“Desperately,” Krista forced a laugh to let
her know she was joking. “Listen, I’ve run into a bit of a snag and
was wondering if the advice center was open?”

“Oh God, already?” Her laughed immediately
turned solemn.

“Unfortunately, yeah...”

Krista gave her the G rated version of what
happened, and what he said to her a couple hours ago. Cassie
listened with various noises in response to the story and then fell
silent.

“Well, good news is that he is really hung
up on you. I think he really does love you. I can only think of one
other person he has loved. So that’s good. Bad news is, he totally
messed it up with that other girl as well—she was a jerk,
though—but it means we only have hope to go off of now. He doesn’t
fall in love easily.”

“Hmmm.”

“Okay, your reaction to his news was
surprisingly perfect. He was probably expecting tears or anger, so
I am sure he is unsettled. What he will also expect is you to
either get clingy or hate him. So you can’t do either of
those.”

“I want to at least stay in his life.
Friends, work buddies, whatever, you know?”

“It is obvious you really love him, too, so
that’s good. Man, this sucks.” She was flabbergasted.

As tears leaked down Krista’s face, she
nodded.

“Okay,” Cassie continued, strategy in her
voice. “Here’s what I think you should do. I think you should be
the same old Krista. Flirt, be funny, act like nothing is the
matter. But don’t ask him to do anything, don’t get rides home, and
don’t spend any personal time with him. Keep it light, keep it
friendly, show no hard feelings, but keep it distant. Without
pressure or hatred he’ll have to think of what he’s missing. It
will be right in front of him, but he won’t be able to get it. That
should drive him crazy.”

“But what if he then just wants me until he
gets me, then freaks out again?”