Packed and Ready to Go (11 page)

Ursula smiled. “Well…I don’t know. You asked me this yesterday. Are you going to ask me every time you see me?”

“
Yes. So you might as well tell it,” Carla chided. “You tell everything else.”

Ursula glanced out the window before shifting her gaze between us. “It’s somebody I work with.” She fingered her napkin without looking up.

“
I don’t work with you two,” Carla said. “So you’re going to have to give me more clues.”

I wondered whom Ursula could be seeing at work. But my thoughts shifted back to Walter. I wanted to call him again.

Ursula hesitated for a long moment. “It’s Anthony Russell.” She looked at me.

“
Okay, who’s Anthony Russell?” Carla asked.

I blinked at Ursula several times. Anthony Russell was her boss. The man had enough charisma to be president of the United States. He was charming and educated, but not Ursula’s type. He was shorter than the average guy, his belly hung over his belt—but only a little—and he was bald.

“
You’re kidding, right?” I sputtered and couldn’t close my mouth.

“
Who is Anthony Russell?” Carla smacked the table.

“
Ursula?” I touched her hand, forcing her to look up at me. I was too caught up in the implications of Ursula’s admission to stop and address Carla’s questions.

“
I’m serious.” Ursula tried to hide a blush, but her eyes went all dreamy before she looked down again.

I measured my words. “Ursula, this could cost him his job. You know the company policy.”

“
Tracy, we’re not five years old.
We’ve
thought it through. For now we’re going slowly and keeping it a secret. That’s why I haven’t told either of you anything until now. And promise you won’t tell a soul.”

“
Oh no. Damn, girl. ” Carla gave Ursula an admiring stare. “You’re talking about your boss. Get out of here! I didn’t think you had that kind of nerve. I’m shocked. Is he any good in bed?”

“
Shut-up, Carla.”

“
Ooh wee, I can tell by the way you smirked you know the answer to my question.” Carla had the look of a dog satisfied that someone else was in the pen with her. “It’s good to know you aren’t always Miss Priss, you can get down and dirty too.”

“
Don’t worry, Tracy,” Ursula said. “You know me. I’m only in a relationship for a moment before I move on. Next week there may be nothing to talk about.” Her words weren’t convincing.

I took a deep breath. My chest constricted. “Hey guys, can we go now?”

“
We can check hospitals and police stations if you want.” Carla pushed a napkin into her empty cup.

I shook my head. “If it was that bad, the police would have found me by now. Let’s get out of here. The walls are closing in on me.”

I convinced Carla to take me back to my car. She was adamant I should catch him cold in his office and question him. I couldn’t explain it to them, but I wanted him to have time to think about his response.

To give me a plausible answer.

One that I could believe.

Back at the office building Ursula and I got out of the car, and watched Carla zoom off. My head raced, wanting to be somewhere without my body.

“
Are you going to be okay?” Ursula placed her hand on my arm to steady me.

“
Ursula, I don’t know how I’m doing. Right now I fee…I feel. I don’t know. Maybe hollow. Am I going to be okay?” I held out my hands. “One day I’m going to be fine, but it won’t be today.”

She put her arms around me and allowed me to put my head on her shoulder. I looked up at the two-story office building but couldn’t drag myself back inside. My legs were heavy. I couldn’t concentrate on numbers or spreadsheets. Tears stung my eyes.

She released me.

“
I’m going home and throwing something else into my suitcase.”

“
That a girl. Want me to drive you?”

“
No. Go back to work. If I need you, I’ll call you.”

“
Promise?”

I nodded.

Before walking away she gave me a long look. I sat in my car and watched Ursula enter the building. The car was hot. I turned it on, put the windows down, and let the air conditioning run for a moment. When the temperature in the car became bearable, I pulled my cell phone from my purse and dialed Walter’s office.

His administrative assistant answered on the second ring.

“
Hi Beverly. Is Walter there?”

“
He’s in a meeting, Tracy. I don’t expect him back for some time, maybe later this afternoon. Can I give him a message?” I exhaled a deep breath.

He was fine.

He was at work.

He wasn’t dead.

I heard her other line ringing as she shuffled papers.

Some part of me expected her to say she hadn’t seen him today. But he was in the office. I almost began to probe about his calendar, but decided not to involve her.

“
Just let him know I called.” Before hanging up I said, “Hey Beverly, ask him to call me right away. Tell him to call me at home.”

“
Sure will, Tracy.” She hung up.

I pulled out of the parking lot. The thought of waiting for him to come home was more depressing than the conversation we needed to have.

The rhythm of the tires on the road beat out a repetitive tune that lulled me into a trance. My heart thumped along with the sound. My eyelids grew heavy. I blinked several times to keep them open.

The car drifted into the right lane, almost side-swiping a large SUV. The driver made an angry gesture at me before pulling onto the shoulder to pass. I panicked and swerved back into my lane. My hands shook and my palms grew sweaty on the slick steering wheel.

The phone was ringing when I walked in the door. My hands were still shaking. I recognized Walter’s number and picked it up.

“
Are you coming straight home tonight?” I asked.

“
Tray, you’ve been blowing up my phone to ask me when I’m coming home. Have you lost your mind? I’ll be home at the regular time. Why?”

“
You ungrateful son-of-a-bitch, I’ve been worried sick about you, and that’s how you’re going to respond to me?”

“
I’m sorry,” he said, but it lacked conviction.

“
I can’t talk now. I’ll see you tonight.” I hung up before I betrayed my feelings. There was so much more I wanted to say, but I had to say it when I could see his face to decipher his nonverbal cues. Over the phone he could tell a lie.

This time I wouldn’t be as forgiving. I sat down to calm my nerves.

I busied myself with everything I thought I needed to get done to calm my anger. I didn’t want the phone to ring during the evening, so I called my father and told him I was coming by to see him in a few days. Then I called Crystal.

“
I didn’t talk with you yesterday, so I decided to give you a call and see how you’re doing,” I said.

“
We’re still on with the caterer later this week?” she asked.

“
Yes, of course we need to finalize everything.”

“
Are you okay? You sound funny.”

“
I’m fine,” I tried to mask my feelings. Something I should have perfected since I had plenty of practice. “Did you and Max finish the menu and china selections yet?”

“
Yes. Is Dad coming to the meeting too?”

“
Yes, of course. He said he was.”

“
Mom, I’ve got to run, Max is here and we’re on our way out the door. I’ll see you and Dad on Thursday.”

She hung up before I could say anything else. Tears sprang to my eyes before I placed the headset on the base. If only I could go back in time. To when Crystal was little and there was still hope for Walter and me. There was a lot of happiness in the house back then. Everything seemed surmountable by love.

Instead of being dragged down by the memory, I walked through the first floor. Every room reminded me of something we’d done in the past. Pictures of Crystal in Disney World and Girl Scout camp, pictures of me and Walter hosting our tenth wedding anniversary celebration at the country club.

I picked up the silver frame and traced our image. Nothing hinted to a collapse of our marriage. Walter’s eyes danced with merriment. His wide smile seemed genuine. I ran my hand along his dimpled chin, longing to be held by someone who couldn’t wait to gather me in his arms.

I plopped on the kitchen bar stool. Getting through Crystal’s wedding was my first priority. No matter what, I would not ruin her chance to have a happy memory. It was only a few more weeks, but they stretched out in front of me like a desert. I took another pill with a swallow of wine. Before the familiar haze numbed my pain, I had a clear moment. I needed to check our accounts like Ursula suggested.

Chapter Ten – Walter

I put down the pen and rolled it across the mahogany desk. Contracts and proposals littered the corner, but the space in front of me was clear. My office, my sanctuary, couldn’t insulate me from whatever Tracy was going to do or say when I get home. Prolonging the moment wouldn’t make things any better.

The computer read 6:35 p.m. Time to go home. Tension ran from my shoulders, across my back, and down my spine. I needed five days of peace and quiet, but that wasn’t about to happen. If I were a wise man, I would be preparing for the opposite. But contemplating the future was like staring at my belly-button. Useless.

I shut down my laptop, placed it in my briefcase and stared at the collection of awards and recognition lining the office wall. Here, I was a success.

In control.

Outside of this sanctuary, my skills weren’t as sharp or Sasha wouldn’t be knocked-up.

Still reeling from Sasha’s baby news, the announcement of downsizing had greeted me during the corporate officers’ call this morning. The financial future at Dynamic Enterprise looked bleak. After two years of diminishing markets, extreme cutbacks were announced just as Jay had predicted. I needed to layoff at least one sales rep in each of my six regions.

With everything going on, I couldn’t process the idea of a baby. For the briefest of moments, I wondered if Sasha had gotten pregnant to make me commit to leave Tracy. I brushed away the thought.

I crossed my arms over my chest and rolled my shoulders to loosen the tension. Tonight I had to face Tracy. Certainly my absence last night would be the topic of discussion. Compared to everything else chasing my heels, Tracy should be easy. Work was my trump card. She believed anything I told her about work.

Sasha and I had spent five days in Paris, dining at the finest restaurants and screwing like teenagers, and Tracy had thought it was a business trip.

Last night was the first time I spent the night with Sasha while Tracy knew I was in town. But, the elaborate story I’d concocted this morning and left on her office answering machine must have worked. This afternoon she sounded composed, even a little aloof.
Damn, I’m good.

One crisis averted and a dozen more lurking on the horizon. I ran my hand along the cleft in my chin. A baby, how the hell was I going to handle this flub? The answers weren’t coming as fast as the problems.

The floor was practically deserted. Most people split after putting in eight hours and not a moment more. The few stragglers left on the floor were those of us trying to keep the company afloat. The only plan we’d construed to save any measurable amount of money was shutting down several plants and laying people off. Just thinking about how this plan would impact the lives of the people I worked with daily sat on my chest like a sumo wrestler.

Before leaving the office, I thought about stopping to see Sasha. A part of me felt betrayed by her. The pregnancy was a trap. She needed something I couldn’t give. She needed more than the empty promises I offered. Her eyes begged for a tangible life to hold on to at night when she was alone and lonely. Right now, with the business sinking, Crystal getting married and a baby on the way, I couldn’t offer a starving man a piece of bread.

I closed the office door. Traffic on 95 South slowed. Enjoying the smell and feel of my new car made the purchase worthwhile. I imagined Tracy standing in the kitchen with her hands on her lush hips, her lips tight, and eyes narrowed, demanding to know where I was last night. If traffic could delay the confrontation, I was content to creep down the highway.