Packed and Ready to Go (6 page)

And I did.

I lifted her up and pulled her down onto my erection. “Baby you feel so good.”

Instead of responding, she moaned, and then captured my mouth. I held her hips and together we rocked the bed until I couldn’t hold back.

Chapter Seven – Walter

I wanted to stay in the bed for the rest of the day, making love to Sasha again and again. Instead she sat up, kissed me hard on the lips, and walked out of the room. I rolled into her empty place and buried my head in the scent she left behind. This life style had many upsides. Very little was required of me.

When I heard Sasha preparing dinner in the kitchen, I pulled myself out of bed, slipped on my pants, and headed downstairs. No matter how much I wanted to pretend differently, this was a fantasy that had to end. We had done all the things lovers do, experienced the highs, the giddiness of exploring each other, whispering together in the night. Now it was time to cash in.

She was too young.

And I was too old.

In the kitchen Sasha’s back was to me. She pushed spinach around a sauté pan.

I stood behind her and kissed her neck. The loneliness facing me in the coming weeks was already riding my shoulders. But the familiarity of being with Tracy was comforting, like slipping on a pair of well-worn slippers.

“
Stop it before you start something.” She pushed my hand away.

“
Nothing I can’t finish, that’s for sure.”

“
Well at least let’s eat first.” She stepped around me and spooned the spinach in a bowl.

“
What smells so good?”

“
I cooked your favorites, grilled sea bass with mango and apple salsa, sautéed spinach, and garlic herb crispy potato pancakes. If the bookstore ever goes under I’m going to open an upscale restaurant.”

“
I’ll be your busboy.” I grabbed her butt.

“
Don’t tempt me, Walter. If it would guarantee me more of your time I’d set up shop tomorrow.”

“
I spend as much time with you as I possibly can.” I leaned over and kissed her to stem this flow of conversation.

After dinner, I sat at the table, too full to clear the dishes or to move. The aroma of grilled food hung in the air around us. She ran her hand along my arms without saying a word. Her full lips pursed.

“
What?” I asked. I knew she was poised to say something and fishing for the words. “You had something to tell me, so now is the time.”

“
It’s almost nine.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Since you haven’t talked about going…does that mean you’re staying tonight?”

The soft glow from the chandelier illuminated her face. I curled my fingers around her hand and kissed her palm.

“
Is that what you wanted to ask me?”

“
Well—”

“
What is it, Sasha?” I knew when something was on her mind because her bottom lip twitched. “I don’t want to spend the rest of the night trying to draw the details out of you. Tell me what you need, money? Something for the bookstore? I’m staying the night, so there must be something else.”

A smile spread across her face and immediately her eyes darkened, but she didn’t release my gaze. She tightened her fingers around my hand.

“
I’m pregnant.” She sounded like she didn’t want to say the words, as if they left a bitter taste in her mouth.

Her comment didn’t register immediately. They washed over me so slowly I saw see them coming. Like a head-on collision. I was too numb, too helpless, too stupid, to get out of the way.

My chest constricted. I managed to keep my mouth closed while I struggled to breathe. For one agonizing, torturous moment, we sat in silence while her words clubbed me over the head. My clumsy silence emphasized the awkward moment.

I wanted to push away from the table and rant, but her pleading eyes nailed me to the chair. She expected me to be gallant, sure with my response. I couldn’t do either. I was inches away from her, but it felt like miles. How did I let this happen?

I groped for something to say.

The right reply.

My chest ignited with a bolt of pain that ran up my arms, across my shoulder and settled in the base of my neck.

This couldn’t be happening.

Not now, when I was inches from getting out.

“
Whew, I-I, huh. I wasn’t expecting that.” I managed to say, hoping she couldn’t see my distress. “Aren’t you on the pill?”

“
I am. But remember a few months ago, when I had to take antibiotics to clear up my sinus infection. You wouldn’t wear a condom. The medicine could’ve lessen the effectiveness of the pill.” She shrugged.

“
It was only once. You couldn’t have—”

“
What does that mean?” There was anger in her voice, an unspoken accusation.

“
I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking...”

“
I can read your face and see what you’re thinking.” She smacked her hand on the table. “I thought you would be happy. You’ve said your marriage was dull and your wife didn’t understand you. How many times have you said you wanted to leave?”

“
I…I…said it, but we’ve been married for a lot of years. You can’t pack up a twenty-some year marriage in a paper bag and walk out.”

Sasha pushed back from the table with such force the chair fell over. “Walter…I am not some jump off. I thought we were in a relationship with a future. You made me believe it was only a matter of time before you divorced you wife.”

“
I never said I was divorcing Tracy.” I stood up. Heat gathered under my collar. Life had a way of always returning to the same place. “If you misunderstood my intentions, I’m sorry.”

“
Oh, you’re sorry. Well that makes me feel so much better.” The level of sarcasm was new for her. “Now what should I do?”

“
You have options, Sasha. This isn’t the end of the world.”

Her mouth contorted into sneer, daring me to develop the rest of my sentence.

“
Okay, look. We’re both a little off right now. Maybe we need to take a moment before we say things we can’t take back.”

“
Before
you
say something else reprehensible.”

The numbness of her news oozed over me like warm slime. I needed to be chivalrous. I knew what she expected me to say, how she expected me to act, and how she expected this whole ordeal to end. She wanted me to protect her, say everything would be fine, but the thought of a baby pushed me toward a full-scale nightmare.

Our idyllic relationship swirled down the drain. A child, even with an undemanding woman, turned our charming lifestyle into a hellish inferno that resembled all the other mundane relationships swirling around me, and threatened to suck the life out of me.

Long after the right moment had passed for me to provide the emotional support she needed, I stood up and walked up behind her as she placed dishes in the dishwasher. I placed my hands on her stiff shoulders and kissed her neck.

“
I’m sorry.” The words sounded weak, spoken like a man given a life sentence.

With tears in her eyes, she turned and kissed me. “What now?” She placed her hand on my cheek.

“
I can’t do anything until after Crystal’s wedding. You know that.”

She nodded and pulled away to stand in the middle of the kitchen. With her hands at her sides, her petite frame ramrod straight, she looked so young. She took a deep breath and I was afraid of what her next comment would be. We’ve had this conversation before.

“
You’ll tell Tracy you’re leaving her? Because I’m already three months and I’ll start showing soon.” She grinned as she ran her hand over her flat stomach. “I don’t feel ashamed that I’m carrying your baby.”

Of course she didn’t. She had nothing to lose. Life was a yellow-brick-road for her, all rosy and cheerful. I contemplated asking to see the pregnancy test, but I’d already made a mess of things. There would be time.

My shoulders slumped. I hoped she didn’t notice the change in my posture.

I couldn’t leave Tracy.

“
I’ll tell her right after the wedding.” I made the promise even though I had no intentions of keeping it. That’s what Sasha needed to hear. I had six months to figure out something.

And I would.

It wouldn’t be simple or easy, but I would have promised her anything to move past the moment.

My phone rang and I looked at the number. My whole Sunday had turned to shit. “Hello Mom,” I said without enthusiasm.

“
Boy, wasn’t Crystal’s graduation this weekend? You didn’t call me. You know I wanted to be there,” my mother spewed into the phone like a rat chewing on my ear.

“
Mom, you know you’re not up to driving the distance. We talked about it.”

“
You could’ve picked me up. Any decent son would have. Now what am I supposed to do? I missed it. If I leave it up to you, I might miss the wedding too. You are a disappointment to me, Walter.”

“
Mom, I’m busy. I don’t have time for this.” If I let her get wound up I’d be listening to her all night. I needed a week away from reality.

“
What do you need, Mom? You only call and complain when you want something.” Everybody wanted something, picking me clean like buzzards on a bone.

“
Don’t talk to me like that, boy.” Her voice held a firm tone that no longer controlled me.

“
If you need something you better tell me now because I’ve got to go.”

“
I need two thousand dollars.” Her words came out in a whoosh, as if hurrying to through an unpleasant moment.

“
I’ll put money in your account tomorrow. Now I’ve got to go.” My mother’s call completed my day from hell.

“
You never have time for me. You’re so much like you brothers. Let me speak to Tracy.”

“
I’m not home right now, I’ll have Tracy call you later. We’ll make sure you get up here for the wedding.” I looked at Sasha, but couldn’t read her expression.

“
Yeah, okay. I hope you keep your word.”

I ended the call and rubbed my chin. Sasha returned to loading the dishwasher. She chatted about the pregnancy and how she planned to turn the small bedroom into a nursery. I handed the soiled dishes to her, but my thoughts weren’t on another baby.

“
What will you tell Tracy?”

“
I have no idea. I’ll think of something.”

“
I don’t mean about the baby, I’m talking about tonight. You can’t say you’re working on a Sunday night.”

“
Don’t worry about it. I’ll think of something.”

I turned away from her and massaged my chest. It felt like my heart was being squeezed in my mother’s fist.

Chapter Eight - Tracy

Walter slinked out of bed, and later I heard the garage door close. I pretended to sleep because I knew he relished quiet mornings. And if silence would improve his mood, then I could be still for a few moments.

I’d done it before. I was good at placating him. He never seemed to know what I needed.

He had no idea how good I was at hiding my feelings. He probably thought I was happy in our marriage, too. I wasn’t. But I could wait.

I scooted to the middle of the bed and stretched. I fished the remote from between the sheets and turned on the television. It felt sinful to watch
The Today Show
in peace. Usually I hurried out of bed to get to church, but after the late night, I needed the rest.

Thanks to the martinis, and more martinis, and the bottle of wine before bed, the sting of Walter’s rejection wasn’t as humiliating as usual. I slipped my index finger between my legs and stroked my moist center. My body craved release.

The phone rang and like a child caught stealing cookies, I snatched my hand above the sheet.

“
Are we still on for lunch today?” Ursula’s cheerful voice piped over the line.

“
I hope so. I want to get out of the house.”