Painted Faces (41 page)

In the end she goes online and books me a seat on the next flight back to Dublin, which isn't until six o'clock tomorrow morning. I end up spending the night sitting on a chair in the waiting area, my face red from crying and constantly dabbing my nose with a piece of tissue. I watch as planes take off over on the runway through the massive glass windows.

When I woke up this morning in bed with Nicholas I couldn't have been any happier. I never expected things to change so drastically.

A little old woman comes and sits down beside me at one point. She has a face that looks like a smiling potato. After about fifteen minutes of her sitting there, she randomly reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze.

“
You'll have lots of that crying business to come if you ever have children,” she says, her accent northern. “Save your tears for the ones that matter most.”

Then she stands up and walks away. I don't know how she could tell that I don't have any kids yet. I want to scream at her that I'm crying for the best person I've ever met, but that he might also have been the worst. But I don't, I just continue to sniffle into my tissue. I think the world is a cruel place when it can show you such happiness and then just snatch it right away again so soon.

I drift off to sleep and wake up when I hear my phone beep with a text. It's from Nora, it reads:

Just had a strange phone call from Nicholas. He asked where u were and then hung up:-/

I immediately dial Nora's number. She answers, sounding sleepy and annoyed.

“
What Fred? Nicholas already woke me up and now you too.”

“
What did he say?” I ask.

She takes a minute to answer, and I can tell she's doing a big, open-mouthed yawn. “Oh um, well for starters he sounded really distraught, then he asked me if I'd spoken to you. I said yes I fucking well did and told him he's the world's biggest dickhead. He didn't seem pleased, but then again he didn't try to defend himself either. Then he asked where you are now. I told him you were at the airport waiting for a flight home. He just said “Good” and then hung up. Rude much?”

I sit there, speechless. Good. That's all he had to say to the fact that I was leaving early after he publicly rejected me?

“
If you ask me, you're well shot of him,” says Nora, not put out at all by my silence.

“
I wish I could share your enthusiasm,” I mumble.

“
Oh look, we'll talk about it when you get home. I'm going back to sleep,” she clips out, being her usual straight talking self.

“
Okay,” I whisper and tap the end button.

Broken Hearts and Sugary Tea

When I finally get home it's just after nine the next morning. Nora comes to the door and I break down crying. I can tell by the expression on her face and her stiff body posture that she's not sure how to handle me. During the three years we've lived together I've never had an emotional breakdown on a par with this. Sure, I'd have days when I was a moody cow, but not full on bawling my face off like I am now.

God help her, she does her best to comfort me, but she's not the greatest person at making people feel better. Especially now, since I know she's all loved up with Richard. She's been texting me about him ever since their dinner date on Monday night, and she's had nothing but good things to say.

In the end she makes me a sugary cup of tea and sends me to my bed for the day. I call up my mum and tell her everything, from start to finish, because she's the only person I know who'll be able to comfort me and give me proper advice. At first she's surprised that all this has happened without her knowing about it, because normally I tell her everything that's going on with me.

Mum is a good listener, she doesn't butt in and try to talk down to me, telling me I should have known better than to get involved with Nicholas. She just listens quietly and then asks me if I want to come stay with her and Dad for a few days. I thank her for the offer, but decline. I need to be able to deal with these sort of life situations without running home to Mummy and Daddy like a twenty-five year old baby every time something doesn't go my way.

A week and a half goes by. I return to work and try to slip back into my old routine, as well get used to not being at The Glamour Patch with Nicholas at the weekends. A few days after I got home from Edinburgh, Nora told me that she bumped into Nicholas out in the hallway. She said he looked the same as usual, but that he only said hello to her politely before going inside his apartment.

The fact that he looks fine and I'm a blubbering mess says it all really. I need to pull my shit together. We weren't some kind of once in a lifetime romance, we were friends who had a couple mind blowing sex sessions and that's it. (No matter how much I try to convince myself that I believe this, it still doesn't stop my heart from hurting all the time.)

I spend an evening over at Harry's and after I've told him all about my Edinburgh heartbreak, he quite reluctantly reminds me that we still have the group trip to Electric Picnic in a fortnight to contend with. I've already paid for the ticket, and apparently I can't get a refund. Since Sean and Harry are still an item and Sean is good friends with Nicholas, neither one of them wants to take sides, and Nicholas is still dead set on going.

If I hadn't spent so much on the ticket I simply wouldn't go, but wasting all of that money just doesn't sit right with me. I resolve myself to ignoring Nicholas and simply enjoying the music, and fingers crossed, the good weather. Although you can never rely on it to be sunny in this country.

My plans for ignoring Nicholas are momentarily thwarted when Harry informs me that Nora is going to be sharing a tent with Richard, who is now coming too, and his brother Colm is bringing his work friend Eric. That leaves me and Nicholas the odd pair out. I decide to invite Anny along at the last minute so that I can share a tent with her. She's all up for it when I call her. Nicholas can sleep in a tent on his own. Fuck, he can sleep in a porta-potty for all I care.

Two days before we're supposed to leave for the festival I get a surprise visit from Phil. He steps into my apartment all casual, as if it's a normal occurrence for him to come and see me.

“
How's it going Fred? We've missed you down at the club.”

I sit down on the couch and he joins me. “I'm okay. Hasn't Nicholas told you what happened?”

Phil frowns. “He did. I'm sorry about that, but I've known him a long time and I've never seen him the way he is now. It's like he's lost his spark or something.”

I purse my lips. “Nora saw him and she said he looked fine.”

“
Nora doesn't know him like I do.”

“
I'm not trying to be rude Phil, but why are you here?”

“
I came because I think you should try and speak to him. Nicholas isn't exactly the easiest human being to navigate. He's got his demons more so than the average person.”

“
I know that. He told me about what it was like for him growing up,” I say in a quiet voice.

“
Then you know that it isn't easy for him to accept a person's love the same way it is for others. I don't mean to be crude, but that man has fucked his way across Europe half his life. All of a sudden he comes to Dublin to settle down and the first woman he meets makes him laugh and does something to him that no woman has ever done before. All he's ever known have been simple, short term relationships and I know he doesn't deserve your forgiveness after the way he behaved; between you and me I wanted to give him a slap upside the head when he told me, but if you could just find it in yourself to give him a chance, I think you could be
it
for him Fred.”

“
I'm not
it
for him, he doesn't want
it
. I'm not sure if he ever will.”

“
He wants you, I know that for a fact. The man never shuts up about you; his face instantly brightens when you walk into a room. Since you two had your falling out he's been going on about all the times you spent together. He's driving me crazy like a broken record.”

I stand up and fold my arms across my chest, feeling uncomfortable with this conversation. I can't seem to determine how I feel about Nicholas in this moment. I hate him, but I also know that he's dealt with some fucked up situations in his life, and that makes me want to take care of him. I wish he could just be out and out bad, that way I could hate him and that would be that.

Phil grabs my hand and pulls me back down to sit. “Listen, I'll tell you something that you probably don't know. A couple of weeks before you two met I had to drag Nicholas out of a really deep depression. He'd been living in a shit hole apartment in Berlin even though he has the money to buy a penthouse if he wanted to, drinking all day long, doing crazy, sloppy performances at night. I got a call from a mutual acquaintance of ours telling me about what was going on. Nicholas had been a really loyal friend to me for years, stuck by me through some tough times, so I didn't hesitate to jump on a plane and pull him out of there. He's had high points and low points over the years, and this was one of the lowest.

“
I brought him home to Dublin with me, helped him to clean up his act and then gave him a job at the club. He got himself back on track, rented out the apartment next to yours and had all of his things moved there. Then he met you and I can tell you Fred, I immediately saw a change in him. He told me that he had found a new friend, someone who makes his life better, and I was so relieved that he had someone to keep him on the straight and narrow. At the same time I was terrified, because I could tell that you were much more than a friend to him and I was worried that something could go wrong and Nicholas would go back to the drinking and the depression.” Phil pauses and lets out a heavy sigh.

“
You need to talk to him Freda. He loves you back, I know he does. He's just completely incapable of dealing with the emotions he's feeling because he's never had occasion to feel them until you came along.”

“
Christ,” I whisper.

“
He needs you,” says Phil softly. “But you need him too.”

“
If he needs me so much then why haven't I heard from him in three weeks? Why hasn't he tried to make contact? He lives right next door, Phil.”

“
Because I told you, he's confused. He doesn't know how to accept your feelings for him and his for you.”

“
I need some time to think, I don't know what to do right now.” I pull on a curl in frustration.

Phil puts a hand on my shoulder. “Just don't leave it too long hun,” he tells me, then gets up and lets himself out.