Paper Cranes (26 page)

“Yeah, well, I can eat Cheerios any time of the day, even for dinner if I’m lazy.

“But it’s just you,” he asked as he swung the door open, “why is it so hard?”

Grabbing the step stool, I struggle a little to get it over to the cabinets with the mixing bowls. Shifting my eyes, I noticed Lee was still hunkered down in the pantry. The last thing I wanted was to worry him or show him how weak I was becoming.

I could tell the disease was progressing even with the littlest of tasks – washing my hair, shaving, cutting. I just…well, I just didn’t want him or anyone to worry. As much as I wanted to blow it off, I found myself leaning on one arm more and more. Eventually he would notice and then what? Should I just enjoy this little bit of freedom while I had it before he left?

“You know; you have like five half used boxes of cereal in here.”

I tried to laugh it off, “Oh really?”

“Yeah, I think the two of you are cereal junkies. I’m sure there is a support group for that as well. I can find out,” he laughed.

“You know, AA, ALS. What’s next, CA?”

“CA?”

“Cereal anonymous, of course.”

Lee found the box of pancake mix from the crowded pantry, bringing it over to the center island. Rummaging through the fridge, he retrieved the carton of eggs and milk. I stepped on the stool, making my way to the very tip-top shelve.

“Ah yes, those damn CA folks. That’s probably why you have two gallons of milk in here too,” he joked as he checked the expiration date. Taking a quick sniff test, he deemed it okay, placing it on the counter. Returning for the eggs, he checked those as well. So careful, that one.

I reached for the edge of the mixing bowl, wobbling as I stood on my tippy-toes. That’s when I felt it, the quiver and quake of my forearm loosening its grip of the rim. One-by-one, my digits plucked themselves away from the glass bowl. I tried to steady myself, but the disaster was inevitable.

Lee must have seen the scene going down before it was about to happened. As the last finger slipped away from the bowl, I braced myself for the impact. Clutching the stool, the last thing I noticed was Lee diving for the bowl. Just as I righted myself upright, he lay on the ground, arms stretched, with the bowl nestled in his palms.

“Nice save,” I said.

“You okay?” he asked worried.

“I’m totally fine. Thank you for catching that. That would have been one hell of a mess,” I tried to play it off.

“As long as you’re okay,” he said. Standing from the floor, he placed the bowl on the counter next to the milk and eggs.

“Just starving. Must have been the stool, or my need to feed,” I said, taking a step down from my perch.

I stood on the first step of the stool as I pulled him close to me. My fingers crawled up his bare chest and wrapped themselves around his neck. Lee inched closer, circling his arms around my waist.

Lee leaned forward, burying his nose into the crock of my neck.

“God, you smell so good.”

Instead of coming back with something witty or sarcastic, I accepted his sweet words.

“I never wanted this to happen, and now…now I can’t imagine it not happening,” I whispered as he held me tight.

Lee pulled away a little, cascading his kisses across my collarbone. Matching my stare, something was shifting. Dreams were not just dreams anymore they were reality – a beautiful reality just for me.

“I’m not sure how this happened, but I’ve changed. Changed for the better I suppose. I’m so glad you are the one catching me as I fall, though. And, I’m going to fall a lot. Are you ready for that?”

“I’ve never been more ready. Are you?”

“I think I finally am.”

T
hat night, we ate breakfast in bed, laughing and making plans. Actually making plans for the future. Not marriage and kids and all that shit, but for what should come tomorrow, the end of the week or month. I have to live day-by-day, but I can’t let that deter me from making my mark on the world. I will not let this destroy me. I will fight. And, damn sure will love.

As I lay in bed with my empty plate in my lap, Lee sat on the floor, leaning against the side of the bed. I chomped on the last piece of bacon, as Lee cleared is throat.

“So…I was kinda…thinking,” he began.

“Oh, Lord help us,” I giggled.

“No, for real. Why don’t we go to the Bahamas and swim with those pigs or whatever?”

You could tell he was nervous since his words weren’t as confident as they usually were. He was offering me a once in a lifetime opportunity, and terrified I would turn him down.

“Why don’t we talk about it at another time? I want to enjoy this sunrise with you.”

Lee climbs back into bed with me as we sit and talk for hours as the sun slowly begins to rise over the horizon. It’s beautiful the way the colors slowly shift to a bright yellow.
How had I never seen this before?

Not a word was spoken, as I drifted off to sleep for a while. The late night had caught up with me, and I was just too damn comfortable with Lee cradling me in his arms. I was overjoyed at the feeling that he would be there when I woke up. We had made a vow to follow through with my wish to stay in bed all day, and I couldn’t wait.

As I drifted to sleep, I started to have visions of Lee. They say it’s hard to remember your dreams when you wake up, but falling asleep they were crystal clear. So clear that I felt it wasn’t a dream at all.

I was dressed in a beautiful wedding gown resembling a mermaid with its frilly bottom. My hair was tied back with a delicate hairpiece with a Barely There veil. The veil was just long enough to cover to my chin, but that wasn’t the crème de la crème. The huge diamond on my left hand was the icing on the cake. It sparkled brighter than the sun.

As I approached the alter, Jackson stood in a very dashing tux as Lee watched my every move down the aisle. He’s beautiful and so are those hypnotizing brown eyes. The closer I get to him, the more my vision is skewed. Like a scrambled television set, the picture wasn’t coming in clearly.

The once picturesque background began to turn darker and darker as I take each step. The further I tried to walk, the longer the aisle seemed. My steps grew labored as I began to slow down. Looking down, I noticed that roots were growing from the ground, capturing my ankles.

My once positive attitude slowly began to diminish as the roots began to pull me into the very ground we stood on. Lee’s expression slowly began to shift as my wedding shifted instead into a funeral. Lying in my root coffin, dirt all around, Lee removed his lapel flower and tossed it on me. I tried to protest when Lee was saying his final goodbyes, however the roots had wrapped themselves around my mouth.

Jolting upright in bed, I was dripping with sweat. My heart raced out of my chest as I struggled to catch my breath.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Lee hugged me to his chest, “What’s wrong?”

Before I could get out a word, the tears began to rain down my cheeks. Lee stroked my back as I clawed to breath. As I calmed down, I was finally able to articulate my worries and fears.

“You should probably know that I don’t sleep very much anymore,” I said, feeling slightly ashamed.

“Why is that, Dove?”

“I hate to sleep. It gives me the false sense of hope that when I wake up, everything will be okay, where the nightmares are merely a dream and I really don’t possess this disease. Every night I lay here and either have countless wonderful dreams or horrid nightmares. Dreams of what could be. Instead I dream of what’s to come, what I’ll never accomplish and funerals. Always fucking funerals.”

“What was it tonight?” He asked sympathetically as he stroked my back.

“Take a wild guess.”

“It’s okay to cry, just as long you don’t let it take over your life.”

“I know. I’m just…I’m just tired of crying. Do you ever think it’s going to get better?”

“Truthfully?” He looks down at me.

“Always.”

“No. Look, Dove, I’m not going to lie to you and say they will eventually go away completely. That would be untrue. I believe the only way for us to handle this is talk about it. You know, what makes you happy, what makes you grateful, what gives you purpose. Once you figure those things out, then I believe you can, at least, try to eliminate some of those fears and worries.”

Sniffling, “Okay.”

That was the extent of my response because, really, what else could I say?

“So, Kat, what makes you happy?” he asked quizzically.

“Life,” I barked.

“You can’t use that one as a happy trigger buddy. Nice try.”

“Well, my job makes me happy. I feel accomplished when I’m there, especially when I get to see the product of my hard work. I’ve worked my entire life to get to where I am right now. A lot of people depend on me.”

“So, you are reliable, dependable and exceptionally talented? Is that what you’re saying?” he questioned.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ve never thought of it that way before.

“What makes you grateful then?”

“I think JoJo, having roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my stomach.”

“Precisely. Now, think of all those people with ALS who don’t even have that? The little things you may take for granted are the things some people yearn for.”

“Wow, I never stopped to think about that. I’ve been so self-absorbed with myself, I never stopped to think about those suffering as well. They don’t even need to have the disease to be struggling either.”

“Exactly. Now, what gives you purpose?

Taking a deep breath, “You give me purpose. There are times when I’m going to push you away. There will be times when I want to give you more than I can handle. I may even lash out at you for no reason at all but to be mean. All of these horrible things wrapped up into one giant ball of heartache, and yet, it’s going to hurt a little less because now I know have you. You give me a reason to fight. A purpose.”

“You’re are not alone. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know, which is why you tick me off sometimes,” I began laughing and crying at the same time.

“I’ll walk through hell for you. Trudge the fire. Slay Satan himself if that means I can keep you protected, cared for and sheltered. This thing between us may or may not work, no one can be certain, but you are my friend first and foremost. That’s why I would fight any and all battles I could for you for as long as I can.”

“That was extremely provocative and all I have is…I wanna be your Daenerys Targaryen. Will you be my Khal Drogo?” I laughed.

Lee was so poetic and here I was relying on my vast television knowledge of Game of Thrones to make an eloquent statement. I giggled as I shied away. I didn’t know how to woo or be woed. I was so far out of my element right now.

“You are the moon of my life…”

“…my sun and stars,” I finished as I blushed.

How on earth was I supposed to top that? It was simple. It was sweet. It was perfect.