Payback (16 page)

I could see Jason and Caden outside stamping their feet on the back sidewalk, Jason’s hands waving up and down while Caden’s arms were crossed over his chest. Jason did not appear to be enjoying the conversation.

“Chris, I have a feeling that as long as I’m here, Caden will be uncomfortable. And from the looks of the size of the flakes outside, it’s
getting colder by the minute. I think Ona and I will go back up to her house until Caden decides it’s time to go home.”

I could tell that Chris wanted me to stay but saw that Caden was acting strange
, and my absence afforded her the best opportunity to calm things down. “Well, if you think that’s best.”  She looked very disappointed.

“Yes, but I was hoping you’d come up to the ranch and see me sometime.”

Her smile returned. “I’d love that.”

At eight, Jason called me.
“I got the keys from Caden, and he’s willing to have you drive him back to the ranch.”

“Is he drunk?”

“He’s not sober, but I’ve seen him worse. I sure wish I had the money to loan you, Marie. He’s not going to get his life back until you go away. Both of you are miserable, and I like both of you.”

“I know, Jason. If I could earn more money to pay off my debt, I would in a heartbeat.”

I drove him back and could tell by the way he kept squirming in his seat that he wanted to say something but was biting his tongue.  When we pulled into the drive, he finally turned to me as we were about to exit into the swirl of a snowstorm.

“I loved you so much, so damn much.  I still see you and Gordon
, as plain as the day I walked in on you.”  He shook his head and then looked up. “Why?”

I gasped.  He had never wanted to know why.  “You mean no one told you anything about what Gordon did?”

He looked deep into my eyes and then shook his head. “No, don’t…I really don’t want to know.  You’re going to try and blame Gordon, but you were old enough to make your own decisions.  He wasn’t holding a gun to your head.” He jumped out and walked into the house, turning on the lights and making the log house look like a warm beacon in the middle of a very hairy storm. 

I was still in the truck
, completely frustrated by my missed opportunity. Instead of leading with a question, I should have just told him, explained to him how vulnerable I was.  But then, he was right; I was a big girl, and I could have stayed true. End of discussion.

When I walked into the house
, I went downstairs and started to take my shoes off to take a shower. The full bathroom in the bottom level had gorgeous Tavertine tile and a large shower stall with two showerheads, one, a rain shower, was directly overhead, and the second, a hand-held shower with a six-foot hose, was attached to the shower on a hook.  It was hot and steamy and felt great on my body.

“Marie?” H
is voice was low and flat, but surprised me.

I
yelped and immediately covered my breast and groin, even though the shower door was opaque from the steam.  I didn’t say anything. I just stood staring out of the shower at him.

             
He was standing by the door of the bathroom, with another drink in his hand, staring in at me. “When you’re done, come up to my room.”  Without any further word, he turned around and walked away. I assumed that he was going up to his room. Why he needed to see me, I had no clue.

After stepping out of the shower, I
dried myself and then grabbed my nightgown, slipping it over my naked body.  Once upstairs, I stood at the door to his bedroom, the light shining from his bedside light, not bright, but enough for me to be able to see him.  He was under the covers, shirtless, and propped up on his pillows. 

“Yes?” I asked.

He lifted the sheet and comforter to the bed in a gesture of beckoning. I wasn’t sure, but it seemed as if he wanted me to get into bed with him. My heart felt as if it was swelling to a point where it might explode. Had he forgiven me?

I walked over and slid in next to him. Heat wafted off of his body as he moved closer. I swallowed hard and looked up. I could smell the whisky from his breath
and his pores; he’d had a lot. We were silent. I tried to look into his eyes to see what they might tell me, but his head was turned.  I felt his long fingers touch the hem of my gown and pull it up.  He moved closer to me, his thigh and hip touching me.  He was naked.

I started to ask if he wanted me to take the gown off, but before I could, Caden pushed the nightgown up to my waist and crawled on top of me, his knee pushing my legs apart.  I felt his hand slip between our bodies as he grabbed hold of his erection and pushed it between the lips of my sex.  Adjusting his hips, he pushed deep into me. 
Because I hadn’t expected this, I wasn’t wet, so there was a lot of friction and some pain. But I didn’t mind—he was making love to me again.  The smell of his body was so intoxicating; it brought back all I had felt for him, all the joy of being in his arms. I wanted to kiss him, but his head was pushed down between my neck and the pillow, keeping me from seeing his face. He pushed into me over and over, grunting and moaning next to my ear. I tried to push him up so I could make it more personal, so we could see each other, but Caden covered my body like a lead blanket holding me down, making it impossible for me to do much more than lie still.

Just as he came, he sputtered, “Fuck, oh fuck.”

I held my breath and waited.

After he rolled off, I had expected him to pleasure me as he had before. Caden had always been a generous lover
, and if I didn’t come before him, he made sure I did afterwards. But he rolled on his side and reached up and turned off the light. 

He pulled the covers up and grumbled. “You can go now. I’ll subtract the three hundred dollars off the board in the morning.”

Frozen, I wasn’t sure I had heard him right. “What?”

“I’ll subtract three hundred dollars for services rendered in the morning. I’m tired. I’m going to sleep. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like you to go.”

I wasn’t in control. My fists were flying, connecting with his shoulders and head over and over until he grabbed both of them and stopped me.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”
he yelled.

“You haven’t forgiven me?  This wasn’t because you forgave me?”

“Did I say anything about forgiveness?  I was horny, and rather than drive to Whitefish for a whore, I figured there was one here I could use.  I’ll be fair. I’ll make sure you get credit for services rendered.”

I couldn’t breathe. “I’m not your whore.”

“Fine. Then if you don’t want the three hundred, I won’t deduct it.”

My anger was boiling so high that it actually masked the pain of his cruelty. “How could you do this to me?  On Christmas? Why do you want to incinerate what’s left of my self-esteem?”

“You think I care about your self-esteem?”

I pulled my wrists out of his grip and flew out of the room, running and crying down the stairs until I reached the basement. As I lay there trying to come to terms with what he had done, I knew then
that I had to get out of Montana and get home. My self-esteem was going to be nothing if I didn’t get away from him. But at the rate I was going, it would be another six to seven months before I’d pay off my debt. 

In the morning when I went upstairs
to the kitchen, I looked at the whiteboard and felt the breath leave my body and a horrible sense of shame. But then the logical part of my brain kicked in. Three hundred dollars for ten minutes work doing what I used to do for free, was a godsend. I walked up, took the red marker, and drew a minus three hundred dollars. 

When Caden came down
, he looked at the whiteboard and snickered, pleased that I had been taken down one more notch to that of a hooker. But I refused to bite; this was just as an expedient way to get home. Maybe once I had paid off my debt, the old Caden, the one who had been so loving and thoughtful, would resurface. 

As he drank the coffee I handed him, he leaned back in the chair. “Are you on birth control?”

“Don’t have the money for the pills.”

“Well, I’ll pay
for a visit to the doctor and a prescription. That way I don’t have to worry about rubbers whenever I use your services.”

My stomach rolled, but all I coul
d see was the fact that it would take me twenty hours of work to accomplish what I had done the night before in ten minutes. “Fine. I’ll go in tomorrow.”

He reached in his back pocket and pulled out two fifties. “That should cover the doctor’s visit and a three
-month supply.”

I nodded.

Montana seemed to be one cruel snowstorm after another in January.  Jason, Caden, and several of the local guys were always out feeding the cattle, checking fences, rounding up strays, and moving the herd from one area to another to keep them from overfertilizing or overgrazing any one part of the ranch.  I was getting used to the smell of the ranch and even began to appreciate it. Whenever we turned down the drive and I could smell the cattle, I felt like I was home. I loved the animals, both the cattle and the wildlife. The scenery, when it wasn’t blowing flurries, was peaceful and calming. I often looked out as I did my chores and imagined living on the ranch as a guest or family member, not as an indentured servant.

Jason frequently came and got
asked me to help him out in the stables, the barn, or in the field. It wasn’t as if he needed the help, but I think he knew I needed the company and liked getting out of the house even if it was to clean horse shit. I had fun riding horses again. Caden had taught me how to ride when we lived in Topanga Canyon. Jason and I would sometimes gallop through the meadows and woods on our way out to complete a chore. The feel of the horse’s muscles between my legs as they contracted and relaxed was both exhilarating and scary. When the snow grew deeper, there was very little galloping. Over the winter, it took longer and longer for us to get to the back acreage until the snow was eventually packed down by the cattle.

If I was lucky,
Jason would take me out into the backcountry to move the cattle, round up strays, or set salt licks. The bales of hay and straw were brought out to the cattle by trucks or, when the new pasture was remote, they’d take out the hay by snowmobiles pulling sleds. They used the snowmobiles on occasion to round up strays but not to herd the cattle because the noise tended to send them in the wrong direction.  These were my favorite days, when I could get out of the house and enjoy the Montana wilderness. To say that it was beautiful doesn’t do it justice. The snow, the open blue sky, the expanse of pine trees, and the skyscraping mountains all came together to create a palate so inspiring, I knew it would be difficult to leave. I finally understood why this was now home to Caden. 

But the winter days were
extremely short and the snow just wouldn’t let up. I could understand why the suicide rate in the area was higher than the national average. Cabin fever could eat you up alive. Luckily, because the ranch required constant attention, the men, and sometimes that included me, didn’t have the luxury of staying boarded up inside next to a blazing fire. We kept busy most of the time.

Jason surprised Caden one day by
asking for the day off. He was going to take Madeline, the girl of his dreams, to Missoula for a few days. Since Jason never asked for time off, Caden didn’t protest, even though it meant he was shorthanded. 

The morning Jason left for Missoula, Caden sent Buck and his brother, Duke, out to feed
the cattle while he went out to round up strays. Before he took off, he handed me a walkie-talkie and rolled out a map. “I’m going to be out here, in this part of the ranch. Buck and Duke are over here on the south side. We’re going to move the herd up to where I’ll be. The boys are going to feed the cattle and then move them.”

I handed him his lunch. “Why are you telling me? And why the walkie-talkie?”

“Jason and I would usually go out there together because of the risk of avalanches. There was a big snowstorm last night, and there might be some loose snow. I might have to dynamite to start an avalanche to keep it from coming down on the cattle when we move them. You never know what you’ll run into on that side of the mountain, so I usually make sure we go in pairs. But today I can’t find any additional workers, so I’ll try to stay in contact once every hour on the hour to let you know I’m okay. If I don’t contact you by fifteen minutes after the hour, send the boys up to find me.”

I nodded. He went out to the snowmobile, loaded up numerous items
, including a rifle, and was off within half an hour. I kept the radio on, but I worried terribly, wondering if he was okay. At ten, there was a crackle and then the sound of his voice.

“This is Caden, I’m up by Pete’s Gulch, I’m okay
. Over.”

I picked up the radio and pressed the button.  “Okay, Pete’s Gulch,” I said as I looked on the map for Pete’s Gulch. When I found it
I nodded to myself, “take care. Over.”

There was silence. He didn’t bother to respond.

At five minutes past eleven, I was on the radio, “Caden? Are you okay?”

A few seconds later he responded. “You need to say
‘over’ when you’re done talking. Over.”