Paycheque (42 page)

Claire glared at him. ‘Is my lecture over now?'

‘No. And you're too stuck in the past.'

‘What's that supposed to mean?'

‘We've been spending time together for a while now. This morning was the perfect opportunity to take things to the next level. But you couldn't or wouldn't because of your dead husband. Claire, he's gone. Don't you think he'd want you to be happy? It's not healthy.'

‘And neither is you telling me it's fine, that you're sorry for pushing things, that you'll wait, blah blah blah. So it really
is
all about sex.'

‘Don't be ridiculous, Claire, of course it's not. This isn't high school anymore. You need to lighten up.'

‘And here I was thinking you were caring and sensitive.'

‘I am.'

‘Well it doesn't bloody sound like it!'

‘I care about you, Claire. I want you to be happy.'

‘Well you can take me back to my car and stop interfering in my life!' She stormed down the hall and out the front door, slamming it behind her. In his car she boiled with anger. How could they go behind her back and gang up on her like that? They were meant to be her friends. Especially Bernie. The cow!

A few minutes later Derek got into the driver's side and started the car without a word. They travelled in silence. Claire stared out the side window with the mantra ‘don't cry, don't cry' running through her head.

Suddenly she realised they hadn't taken the turn-off towards the farm. She turned to look at Derek. ‘Now where are you taking me? I need my car – it's at the farm.'

‘No, it's not,' Derek said quietly, without looking at her. ‘Bernie's taking it to your house.'

Claire rolled her eyes, shook her head at him, and turned back to the side.

When they arrived at Claire's house, her car was out front along with David's. Bernie was standing on the porch dangling a set of keys, as if trying to figure out where to hide them. Claire leapt out of Derek's car while it was still coming to a halt and bolted up the steps. She snatched the keys from Bernie, who stood staring at her with a gaping mouth.

‘Claire, what's…?'

‘Mind your own bloody business and stop interfering with my life!' she yelled at the startled Bernie, thrusting the key into the lock of the front door. She was relieved she got it first go. She slammed the door behind her, causing the heavy cast-iron knocker to jump against its base and continue tapping a few times.

Claire stood in her house feeling lost and lonely, listening as the sounds of David and Derek's cars faded away. The birds outside flapped and squawked and then became silent, signalling that they had settled in the trees for the night. She moved her keys from hand to hand. She should just kick off her boots, let the cats out and relax for the night. But she was too angry and too restless.

Claire relocked the front door and pulled it shut behind her.

‘Thought you were out with Derek,' Jack said as Claire entered the feed room where he and Maddie were stacking bags of chaff and bales of hay.

‘I was.' Claire coloured a little. ‘Do you want a hand?'

‘No thanks, we're almost done. And Bernie and David sorted out the horses for the night. Why are you here, anyway?'

‘Just checking everything got done okay.'

‘Well as you can see, everything is fine. So why aren't you still out with Derek?'

‘He had a few things to do,' Claire lied.

‘Oh. Right.'

‘He's going to be in Sydney again next week so I guess that makes sense,' Maddie said, shrugging.

‘Guess so.' Claire was looking down at the concrete floor beneath her feet. ‘So, how's Paycheque doing?'

‘Thought you would have checked on your way past,' Jack said, hefting a bag of chaff onto the pile.

‘I did. But I want to know what you think.'

‘Well I think he's doing pretty well. The spa's up and running for when he comes out of his stall – should only have to wait a few more days.'

‘I see the herb garden's all planted.'

‘Yeah, but we can't let any of them loose on it until it's bigger, else it'll be gone in one gulp.'

‘How did the others do today?'

‘Fine. Howie's come up well – reckon he could be a winner at the Bridge next week. But seriously Claire, I've had a long day. What's with the third degree?'

Jeez, is everyone against me?
‘It's not – just interested to know what's gone on while I was away.'

‘Claire, you've been gone six hours tops,' Jack replied.

‘I'll just go and give Paycheque his hay net,' Maddie said quietly, and walked away.

‘So, why aren't you with Derek, anyway? I thought that was the whole point,' Jack said when Maddie had left.

‘We had a fight.'

‘Oh well, I'm sure you'll work it out – all part of getting to know each other.'

‘It was a bit serious.'

‘Aw, they're almost never as serious as you first think. You probably just need to sit down together and nut it out.'

It was on the tip of Claire's tongue to tell him that she wasn't speaking to Bernie either. But she knew what he'd say. That she was being childish, that someone had to make the first move to reconcile, and that it may as well be her. He'd use the word ‘stubborn'. And she was sick of everyone calling her that.

‘Well I'm exhausted,' Jack said, taking his gloves off and laying them down. ‘I'm going to enjoy a beer and then an early night.'

‘What are you having for dinner? Is there enough for me?'

‘Sorry Claire Bear. Maddie and I had chicken from the takeaway in town before we came home.'

‘Oh.'

‘You've got a lovely home to go to, so just go.' He laughed. ‘Seriously, you look wrecked. And there's no point you being here – everything has been done for the day.'

‘Okay, if you insist. See you tomorrow then,' she said, forcing her tone to sound cheery.

On her way back she paused at Paycheque's stall to rub his ears. He had his nose puckered in annoyance and he made to try and bite her. They'd have their work cut out trying to keep him happily confined for a few more days.

‘Did you have a fight with Dad?' Maddie asked, emerging from the stall.

‘Something like that.'

‘I don't know what happened, and it's none of my business, but he really likes you, Claire. Whatever it is, don't let it ruin things – you're good for him.'

Is there anyone on the planet who doesn't want to tell me how to run my life?
She
so
hadn't missed that while she'd been living in the city.

‘I think we should start increasing Larry's workload,' she said, deliberately ignoring Maddie.

‘Actually, he did pretty well this afternoon. I think he's worth taking to the Bridge on Wednesday with Howie.'

‘I'll think about it. I've got to go.'

‘If you're seeing Bernie, can you give her this?' Maddie took a hooded blue jacket from the rail of the outer yard and held it out to her.

Claire had no choice but to accept it. She recognised it as one of her friend's favourites. ‘Right. Okay.'

‘Well that's me done,' Maddie said, giving Paycheque's neck a solid pat. ‘See you in the morning.'

‘See you,' Claire said. But Maddie was already disappearing behind the pepper trees on her way to the house.

She stood there a few minutes looking at the blue jumper in her hand. She had half a mind to just leave it on the rail. If Bernie wanted it she could damn well come and get it herself, and bring an apology with her. But she held onto it. Maddie had deliberately given it to her – how would it look if she left it there?

Claire gritted her teeth and made her way back to her car. Why had she even bothered coming? She should have just stayed put. She was annoyed at the brush-off she'd got from both Jack and Maddie. But she was more annoyed that she'd put herself in the position to receive it. What had she expected? All the horses had been fed and tucked in for the night by Bernie and David. There was nothing for her to do. And Jack and Maddie didn't know what else had gone on, that she'd come seeking friendly faces. Claire cursed at her haste in running to the farm. Lucky they didn't know. If they did, they'd just say she was being petulant. Which would be even more annoying.

Claire drove home with the radio turned off. She occasionally glanced at Bernie's jumper on the seat beside her. It would be a good excuse to call without having to apologise. Apologise! Why was she
even thinking it? She hadn't done anything wrong. They'd conspired to meddle in her life. She was the victim!

She and Bernie had fallen out a couple of times over the years, but always made up. They couldn't go for longer than a few days without at least talking on the phone. There was a tendency to never really acknowledge the fight and make up as such; it just sort of happened that one would ring the other with something interesting to say and they'd be back to being friends again. Claire tried to dismiss the nagging feeling that it might be different this time.

What about Derek? She didn't know him well enough to know what he'd do, or wouldn't do. Maddie said he really liked her. Well if he did, then he'd probably wait a few days for the dust to settle and call her. She gnawed on her lip and tried to tell herself she wasn't already missing him. He'd only been gone an hour, for God's sake. Claire wondered if the sharp ache deep inside was trying to tell her things were a lot more serious than she believed them to be. No, she was just overtired and paranoid. And hungry.

Claire kept herself busy making pasta for dinner and putting a load of washing on. She sat down in front of the television stroking Bill and Ben who were soaking up the attention after being locked in the laundry all day. She stared at the screen, trying to follow the drama being played out, but her mind kept going back to the afternoon with Derek. Why had it had to end like that?

She was surprised to find a lump forming in her throat and a tear appearing in the corner of her eye. There was an ache of emptiness in the pit of her stomach that she couldn't ignore and couldn't pass off as hunger. She'd got used to Derek being part of her life. And now he was gone. She wiped a hand across her now runny nose and sniffed. No. If he liked her that much, he'd be back. Surely he wouldn't let something this small get in the way. Or was it small? He'd called her stubborn. Maybe she was. But, damn it, being stubborn was what had got her to where she was and through all the crap of the past year.

Living in the past. Pah! It was all right for him. He'd lost his
wife ages ago. And anyway, who was he to tell her when she was ready to be intimate with someone again? Just because they'd been spending a lot of time together didn't mean they should jump into bed. No. She'd do that when she was ready, thank you very much, and not before.

Her mobile rang and then her home phone. She checked the numbers each time to make sure it wasn't Jack and when she saw it was Derek's mobile number, she walked away and let it go to message bank. When she checked, there were no messages on either phone. Obviously he wasn't that keen to work things out.