Pearl (30 page)

“Ah,” her father said, pointing upward. “It’s faint, but I see her.”

Pearl leaned against her dad and followed his finger.
 

“Right there, near the tip of Auriga. It’s pretty dim, better to see in the wintertime.”

Pearl squinted at the stars until a yellowish tinge of brightness popped out. “I can see it!”

Her father dropped his hand, crossing his arms gently over his broad chest. “Your mother would be happy,” he said. “Looking at the stars was one of her favorite things to do.”

“I remember,” Pearl said.

“I’m glad you do.”

Her father looked down at her smile and chuckled. “That’s a nice sight.”

Her cheeks reddened. “I’m happy, Dad,” she assured him. “You don’t have to worry.”

“Oh,” he said, “just wait ’til you’re a parent, which thankfully you aren’t yet. An early marriage was enough to give your old man a heart attack.”

Pearl cringed. She felt so isolated from her life in Oregon—it was at times hard to remember she’d ever gotten married.
 

“Worst part was I wasn’t there to see it,” he said.

She matched his stance, folding her arms across her chest. They both looked out at the sky, not wanting to meet each other’s eyes. “There wasn’t much to see.”

He sighed. “What about now, Pearl? You’re home. Are you staying? Have you thought about what you want to do?”

She thought for a moment, and then tested the idea that had been floating in her head. “I’d like to work with horses.”
 

His gaze darted from the sky as he turned to look at her. “Horses? So that part of the story must have been true?”

“Yeah, that part was true,” she admitted. “I learned how to ride.” Her voice dropped. She didn’t want to meet her father’s gaze.
 

“Roy teach you?”

She shook her head. “No, Roy didn’t know. I had a friend.” She paused, afraid to go further to show any emotion in the word. “Anyway, riding is what kept me sane.” She turned to look at her dad. “It was amazing. And the connection I felt with the horse was unbelievable. I miss it.”

Her father thought a moment. “Well, okay. I suppose you need to look into some horse ranches here. What would you do?”

She shrugged. “Anything. I’d clean the manure and feed and groom them—I don’t care. Maybe there’s something I can study, like at college?” She eyed his reaction. “I was thinking of maybe going back to school, possibly an equestrian degree?”

 
“You have thought about it.” He grinned proudly. “At least something good came out of Oregon, didn’t it?”

She turned from his prying eyes and didn’t respond. It was a question too tangled to answer.
 

But her answer did come a couple weeks later. She heard the sharp knock on the front door from her bedroom and peeked out her window to see a car she didn’t recognize. She ignored the muffled voices and went back to sorting through the old photo albums her father had hidden deep in his closet. She picked up a picture of herself as a baby. She smiled at her bald head and big lips and at the young blonde woman who cradled her with all the blissful gaze a mother could muster.
 

A soft knock at her door interrupted her thoughts. She turned to see her father standing in the doorway, a smile on his face.

“What is it?” she asked.

“You have a visitor.”

Pearl scowled. “I don’t know anyone.”
 

“Look,” he said, walking into her room and taking a seat on the bed. “Apparently you sent a letter off.”

Pearls eyes widened. “Vernie’s here?”

Her father looked confused. “No, but that’s who you wrote, right?”

She nodded, now fearing it was Roy at the door, wanting to whisk her up and take her back to the farm.

“Well, after you wrote to her, a young man wrote me.”

Pearl caught her breath.

“It began with him just looking out for you, wanting to make sure you got home safe, and that you were okay. I wrote back saying that you were and it just sort of avalanched from there.” His gaze sharpened. “Do you know who I’m talking about?”

Pearl nodded, her voice caught in her throat.

“I’ll tell you, kiddo, if Roy had half the guts and chivalry this man does, I wouldn’t have thought twice about you running off to Oregon.” He chuckled lightly. “Well, once you started talking about riding, I could tell you were missing more than just horses, so when he asked if he could visit, I couldn’t turn him down.”

Pearl jumped from the chair at her desk, not stopping once to glance at herself in the mirror before bolting through her door and to the stairs. She stood at the top of the steps, taking a deep breath as she took in the sight of familiar work boots and tattered Levi’s. As she descended the steps, he came more into focus, from his crisp white T-shirt up to his tanned strong shoulders to his taut jaw and soft smile as his eyes finally met hers.
 

“Ben,” she whispered as she took her last step and stood before him. “What are you…but whose car…how did you…”

He smothered a laugh. “It’s my mom’s car. Better gas mileage.” He smiled. “It’s good to see you, too.”

She wanted to reach out and embrace him, to feel his soft skin with her fingers. But the pending looks from Billy and her father made her uncomfortable.

“Let’s go for a walk,” she said, taking his arm and leading him out the door.

They strolled along the path of the dirt field, drifting down the road and toward the bend. They made their small talk until the house was out of sight and their voices could no longer be heard by prying ears. Ben stopped and turned to her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. She went willingly, falling into his arms as he pressed himself to her.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” she said.
 

He searched her eyes. “Did you think I could really let you go?”

She pushed back. “Ben, don’t,” she said. “It could never work. I’m not going back to Oregon.”

He grabbed her hand, bringing her back to him. “I’m not asking you to.”

Her head tilted in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

He sighed. “Look, I thought I had it all fine until you came along. I was doing my own thing, minding my own life. Not in love with it, but content, going through the motions. And then I met you.” He smiled, sheepishly. “I wasn’t looking to fall in love with a married woman, believe me. But when I saw you get up and ride, even after you had been beaten down, I couldn’t help but fall in love with the way your eyes lit up when you rode. It made me rethink about why I did it, what made me love riding in the first place. I got to see it all through you.” He paused at her hesitant stare. “Pearl, you could have let what was happening with Roy crush you, break your spirit. But instead you found a way to grab hold of that inner rage and turn it into something beautiful. The way you lit up when you rode made me love it again. Made me love you. And when you left…” He shook his head. “I was afraid I’d lose it again, but really, I was just afraid to lose you.”

She reached a hand to his face. “Do you have any idea what you’ve taught me?” she asked. “You showed me what it means to love someone. To respect the person you love, and gave me the freedom to discover who I was. You were patient with me.
 
You never asked for anything from me. I wasn’t used to that. It was terrifying.” She paused. “I forced myself to not think about you, because leaving you was harder than anything I’ve done. But I needed to do it for me. I needed to see that I can be strong without relying on anyone but myself.”

Ben nodded. “I know that. I knew it even in the beginning, but when I saw Vernie and she showed me your letter, I knew I couldn’t sit back and always wonder what would have happened if I’d never tried.”

Pearl looked away from him, tears building in her eyes. She had poured her heart out in a way she had never done before. For the first time she had been the most truthful, most sincere about her emotions. And the dreadful part was still to come. She would have to say goodbye to Ben again.

“There’s no place for you here, Ben. I won’t let you just waste away here, not living your own dreams, just to stay with me.”

“What if I told you I wasn’t here just for you?”

Her eyes flashed to his. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m also here to look at some property for sale. Not right here but just outside of Tucson.”

She cocked a brow. “For sale?”

He smiled. “See, Pearl, I
am
here to live my dream. I found some acres that would be perfect to start a little dude ranch.”

Pearl gasped. A smile crept back over her lips.
 

“Would you want to take a little trip and check it out with me?” he asked.

All of Pearl’s uncertainty dissolved. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him back to her. She held on, not because she needed him, but because she wanted him. And she would allow herself this luxury of pleasure that she had been denying too long.
 

Every lesson, every hardship had taken her to this moment. To the place where she could take a deep breath and let it all release. It was a time to be grateful for every wound and every scar, every tear she’d shed, and every night she lost sleep over the trials in her life. Without the hell she had been through, would she know just how sweet the other side was? Would she appreciate the warmth in Ben’s eyes, had she not been staring at the coal-black soul of a monster? Would she love Billy any more had her mother been alive and Pearl not been expected to raise him? Would life look any less beautiful if she didn’t know the dark and gloomy days? How blessed she was to know that her life was molded by her hands. She would take all those punishing days for the glorious ones ahead. She had no fear, no regrets, and no pent-up anger for the things in her past that she could not control. She felt light, carefree, and could laugh at the test of challenges that lay ahead. She cracked open her shell and swam free to the water’s surface. She knew nothing could stop her, nothing would hinder her, and nothing could break her down. She was that strong. That was what it took to be happy. That was what it meant to be a survivor.
 

EPILOGUE

 
SEVEN YEARS LATER

Pearl carefully lifted the little girl, who at eighteen months she still considered a baby, up the long stretch of the horse to her husband’s waiting arms.

“Gentle, gentle,” Pearl said, readying herself to snatch the child back.

“You act like I’ve never done this before.” Ben laughed. He eased his daughter onto his lap, straddling her little legs over the leather saddle.
 

Pearl dropped her hands to rest on the girl’s chubby thigh.
 

“Are you going to walk with us the whole time?” he asked in his teasing voice. “Or do you trust me yet to not drop our daughter?”

Pearl rolled her eyes, but let her fingers fall so that Molly was free to stroll the arena as Ben cooed in the little girl’s ear. Watching him with their daughter, his strong protective nature with enough playfulness to make the girl giggle, made Pearl smile. She knew better than to question Ben’s trust; she had been relying on it herself now for many years.
 

Pearl leaned against the wooden fence on the inside of one of the three outdoor corrals they had on their dude ranch. Ben had purchased the land seven years ago with a loan from his father. At the time he was able to buy two hundred acres, which he named Sol Rock Ranch. First on the agenda was to build a house. Ben did so with the help of a crew he hired that went on to build one of four stables. He rented stalls out. Horses came, and so did the people. Pearl kept the stables clean, and fed and groomed the horses, and they made just enough to purchase more land and grow his acreage. Over a span of five years he built eight cabins; a lodge that hosted a kitchen and dining area, a library, theater, and game room, as well as a pool; and six teepees. Now, a total of seven years since the moment their feet first touched the ground, the ranch was booming. Families came all year ’round to hike, swim, lounge, and ride.
 

The last to be built was a small guest home behind the main house. It was open to family, though it had been inhabited by Vernie the last two years, since she ran the kitchen. It was Vernie who had made the true essence of the ranch come alive. Not only did her money from selling her land on the farm go to buy the last bit of acreage they needed, but her cooking was talked about around the country. Pearl wasn’t sure if families came for the experience of riding or for Vernie’s pot roast.
 

Letting go of the farm had not been an easy decision for Vernie, but when the invitation was extended for her to join them on the ranch, she swore there was nothing holding her back in Oregon.

“All my good memories died off a long time ago,” she said while sipping her moonshine on the back of the guest house porch. “Think it’s time to start some new ones.”

It pleased Pearl to look out her bedroom window and see Vernie sitting in the rocking chair, fanning her plump body while sipping her drink. Vernie gave up Virginia when the children came around.
 

Pearl’s tense lips turned to a small smile as she watched Ben glide lightly around the arena. Callie bounced in her father’s arms, clapping her small hands as Ben neighed.
 

“How the hell do you stand out here all day in this heat?”

Pearl turned to grin at her friend’s animated voice. Sammie climbed up on the fence, leaning her large breasts over the edge. Three shrilling screams followed closely behind her.

“Sammie, you’re here every July,” Pearl said, watching the youngest of Sammie’s kids head straight under the fence and into the arena. “Why don’t you pick a different month to come?”

“Sabrina!” Sammie called. “Get your hiney out of there!”
 

The little girl looked up and gave a sly smile before waltzing away from her mother.

“That’s a two-year-old for you.” Pearl laughed.

“I’d leave them in Oregon if they didn’t beg to see their cousin. Maybe Callie can tame them.”