Penny Dreadful Multipack Vol. 1 (Illustrated. Annotated. 'Wagner The Wehr-Wolf,' 'Varney The Vampire,' 'The Mysteries of London Vol. 1' + Bonus Features) (Penny Dreadful Multipacks) (277 page)

 
that
,' replied the Buffer: "but
how shall we get the thirty one counters from this old fool of a landlady,
unless we use violence?"
    The Resurrection Man leant his head upon his hand, his elbow
being supported by the, table, and reflected profoundly for some moments.
    So high an opinion did the other villain and the two women
entertain of the ingenuity, craft, and cunning of the Resurrection Man, that
they observed a solemn silence while he was thus occupied in meditation, - as
if they were afraid of interrupting a current of ideas which, they hoped, would
lead to some scheme beneficial to them all.
    Suddenly the Resurrection Man raised his head, and, turning
towards the Buffer's wife, said, "Do you know whether the old woman has
spoken to any one yet about the funeral ?"
    "She said she should let it be till to-morrow morning,
because the weather was so awful bad this afternoon."
    "Excellent! " ejaculated the Resurrection Man.
"Now, Moll, do you put on your bonnet, take the large cotton umbrella
there, and go and do what I tell you without delay."
    The woman rose to put on her bonnet and cloak which she had
laid aside upon first entering the room;  and the Resurrection Man wrote a
hurried note. Having folded, wafered, and addressed it, he handed it to the
Buffer's wife, saying, " Go down as fast as your legs will carry you to
Banks, the undertaker, in Globe Lane, and ask to see him. Give him this; but
mind and deliver it into his hand only. If he is not at home, wait till he
comes in."
    The women took the note, and departed on the 
mysterious mission entrusted to her.
    "What's in the wind now?" demanded the Buffer, as
soon as the door had closed behind his wife.
    "You shall see," replied the Resurrection Man.
"Now let us fill our glasses, and blow a cloud till Moll comes back."
    The Rattlesnake mixed fresh supplies of grog; and the two
men lighted their pipes.
    "How the rain does beat down," observed the
Buffer, after a pause.
    "And the wind sweeps along like a hurricane," said
the Resurrection Man. "By the by, this is New Year's Day. What different
weather it is from what it was last New Year's Day."
    "Do you recollect what sort of weather it was last New
Year's Day?" demanded the Buffer.
    "Perfectly well," answered the Resurrection Man;
"because it was on that evening that I and the poor Cracksman helped young
Holford over the Palace wall."
    "And that venture turned out no go, did it?" asked
the Buffer.
    "It failed because the young scamp either turned funky
or played us false. I never could make out which. But I have an account to
settle with him too; and the first time I meet him I'll teach him what it is to
humbug a man like me."
    There was a pause, during which the two men smoked their
pipes with all the calmness of individuals engaged in virtuous and innocent
meditation; and the Rattlesnake added fresh fuel to the fire, the flames of
which roared cheerfully up the chimney.
    "Come, sing us a song, Meg," cried the Buffer,
breaking a silence which had lasted several minutes.
    "I have got a cold, and can't sing," replied the
woman.
    "Well, then, Tony," said the Buffer, " tell
us some of your adventures. They'll amuse us till Moll comes back."
    "I am quite tired of telling the same things over and
over again," answered the Resurrection Man. "We've never heard you
practise in that line yet; so the sooner you begin the better. Come, tell us
your history."
    "There isn't much to tell," said the Buffer,
re-filling his pipe; " but such as it is, you're welcome to it."
    With this preface, the Buffer commenced his autobiography,
in the record of which we have taken the liberty of correcting the grammatical
solecisms that invariably characterised this individual's. discourse; and we
have also improved the language in which the narrative was originally clothed.

THE BUFFER'S HISTORY

"You are well aware that my name is really John Wicks,
although very few of my pals know me by any other title than the Buffer.
    " My father and mother kept a coal and potato shed in
Great Suffolk Street, Borough. I was their only child; and as they were very
fond of me, they would not let me be bothered and annoyed with learning. For
decency's sake, however, they made me go to the Sunday-school, and there I just
learnt to read, and that's all.
    "When I was twelve years old, I began to carry out
small quantities of coals and potatoes to the customers. We used to supply a
great many of the prisoners in the Bench; and whenever I went into that place,
I generally managed to have a game of marbles, and sometimes rackets, with the
young blackguards that lurked about the prison to pick up the racket balls, run
on messages, and so on. At length I got to play for money; and as I generally
lost, I had to take the money which I received from the customers to pay my
little gambling debts. I was obliged to tell my father and mother all kinds of
falsehoods to account for the disappearance of the money. Sometimes I said that
I had lost a few halfpence; then I declared that a beggar in the street had
snatched a sixpence out of my hand, and ran away; or else I swore that the
customers had not paid me. This last excuse led to serious misunderstandings;
for sometimes my father went himself to collect the debts owing to him; and
then, when the prisoners declared they had paid me, I stuck out that it was
false; and my father called them rogues and swindlers. At length, he began
seriously to suspect that his son was robbing him and one day be found it out
in a manner which I could not deny. I was then fourteen, and was pretty well
hardened, I can tell you. So I turned round, and told my father that he had
brought it all on himself, because he had instructed me how to cheat the
customers in weight and measure, and had therefore brought me up in wrong
principles.
    "You must understand that the usual mode of doing
business in coal-sheds is this: all the weights only weigh one half of what
they are represented to weigh. For instance, the one which is used as the fifty
pound weight is hollow, and is, therefore, made as large in outward appearance
as the real fifty pound weight; whereas, in consequence of being hollow, it
actually only weighs twenty-five pounds. This is the case with all the weights;
the pound weight really weighs only half a pound, and so on. You may ask why
the weights are thus exactly one half less than they are represented to be,-
neither more nor has than one half. I will tell you: when the jury comes round
and points, for instance, to the weight used for fifty pounds, the answer is,
'Oh, that is the twenty-five pound weight;' and, upon being tested, the
assertion is found to be correct. So there is never any danger of being hauled
over the coals by the leet jury; but if the weights were each an odd number of
ounces or pounds short, they could not be passed off to the jury as weights of
a particular standard, and then the warehouseman would get into a scrape. It is
just the same with the measures. The bushel contains a false bottom, and is
really half a bushel; and when the leet jury calls, it stated to be the half
bushel measure, whereas to customers it is passed off as the bushel. This will
also account to you for the way in which costermongers in the streets are able
to sell fruit (cherries particularly) and peas, in the season, for just one
half of the price at which they can he bought at respectable dealers. The poor
dupe who gives two pence for 
a pound
 of cherries of a
costermonger in the street, only obtains half a pound; and the housewife who
thinks that she can save a hundred per cent, by buying her peas in the same
way, only gets half a peck instead of a peck.
    "My father had thirty barrows, which he let out to the
costermongers at the rate of eighteen pence a day each; and some of those men
could clear eight 6r ten shillings a day by their traffic. But they are so
addicted to drinking that they spend all they get; and in the winter season
they starve. Now and then a costermonger would disappear with the barrow, for
the loan of which my father never required any security, as the poor souls had
none to give; and then my father offered a reward for the apprehension of the
absentee. He was generally caught, and my father always had him taken before
the magistrate and punished - as a warning, he said, to the rest. I used to
think he behaved very harshly in this respect, as the poor wretch whom he thus
got sent to the treadmill had most probably paid for the barrow over and over
again.
    "But to return to my story. When my father discovered
that I had robbed him, I threw in his teeth the use he made of false weights
and measures. He was alarmed at this, because I threatened to inform the
neighbours; and so he did not give me the thrashing which he had at first
promised. He, however, resolved to send me away from home, and in the course of
a few days got me a place at a friend's of his, who kept a sweet-stuff shop, in
Friar Street, Blackfriars. There I was initiated into all the mysteries of that
trade. I found that the white-sugar articles were all largely adulterated with plaster
of Paris; and that immediately accounted to me for the pernicious - often
fatal  - effects produced by this kind of trash upon children. If parents,
who really care for their children, were only commonly prudent, they would
never allow them to eat any white-sugar sweet-stuff at all. Then I discovered
that the articles passed off as burnt almonds, really contained the kernels of
fruits; for the kitchen-maids in wealthy families and hotels collect and sell
the stones of the peaches, apricots, and nectarines, eaten at the dinner-tables
of their masters, as regularly as cooks dispose of their bones and grease. In
fact, the most deleterious ingredients enter into the composition of
sweet-stuff. The sugar-refiners sell all their scum to the sweet-stuff makers;
and this scum is composed of the lime, alum, bullock's blood, charcoal, acetate
of soda, and other things used for fining sugar. Oxide of lead is also mixed
with the small proportions of sugar used in making sweet-stuff; and thus you
may perceive what filthy and poisonous substances are given to children in the
shape of sugar-plums. I hope that I do not weary you with this description; and
if you should be surprised that I can now recollect the chemical names of the
ingredients used, I must tell you that I went so often to the sugar-refiners,
and to the chemists, for my master, that I soon became familiar with every
thing at all relating to the business.
    "I now came to more interesting matters. I had been
with my master about six years, and was then going on for twenty-one, when my
father died. My mother sent for me home to help her in the business; and I now
had the command of money. The taste for gambling which I had imbibed in my
boyhood, returned with additional force and I sought every opportunity of
gratifying my inclination in this respect. I frequented a notorious
public-house in Suffolk Street, where gaming was carried on to a great extent;
and my ill-luck seemed unvaried. My mother did all she could to check the
progress of this infatuation; but it was invincible; and in the course of three
years I had completely ruined both my mother and myself. An execution was put
into the house for rent, and my mother died of a broken heart. I shed a few
tears, and then looked round me for some occupation.
    "One of the persons who frequented the public-house in
Suffolk Street offered to recommend me to a friend of his, who kept an
auction-room in the City. I gladly accepted the proposal, and was engaged as 'a
bidder,' at that establishment. I will tell you what I had to do: the auction
was carried on in an open warehouse in a great thoroughfare. The articles put
up for sale were all of the most worthless description - razors, made (like
Peter Pindar's) to sell, and not to cut; pen-knives, that would inflict no
damage upon a piece of wood; decanters, that would scarcely resist the pressure
of the most delicate lady's hand; candlesticks, made of a metal that would melt
if held too close to the fire; urns, that sprang a leak the moment hot water
was poured into them; watches, that were never know to go beyond the first
four-and-twenty hours; scissors, that would not sever a thread; snuffers, that
merely crushed without diminishing the wick; tea-pots, made of polished pewter,
and warranted as silver; in a word, every species of domestic rubbish of this
kind, occupied the counters and tables in the auction-room. Myself and three
others were hired as bidders. Our duty was to offer a price for every article
put up, and buy it in if it appeared likely to go to a stranger at too low a
price - although, indeed, few prices were too low for the articles on which
they were put. Then, when a greenhorn entered the mart, we were to puff of the
articles amongst ourselves in his hearing - never talking to him, but talking at
him. The master was perched up behind a high desk, using his hammer with
exemplary alacrity, and knocking down article after article to the flat that
came in and bid. Sometimes the dupes would come back the following day, and
demand the return of their money, as they had ascertained that the goods for
which they had parted with it were worthless: it was then our duty to hustle
such obstreperous claimants, bonnet them, or, in extreme cases, knock them
down, and then give them into custody for creating a disturbance.
    In this situation I remained for three years. The master was
very good to us, and gave us a present every time he effected large sales by
our means. One afternoon an elderly gentleman entered the mart, and stood
bidding for some cut decanters, They had been invoiced to the proprietor of the
establishment for six shillings, and the lowest price at which they were to be
knocked down was two pounds ten. The bidding was rather slow; and I retreated a
pace or two behind the old gentleman, to avoid having the appearance of being
anxious to make myself conspicuous. In that position I observed the corner of a
red pocket-book peeping out of his coat tail. I glanced around: no one noticed
me; and in a moment I abstracted the inviting object. This was the first theft
I ever committed; and bad as I already was, the moment I had that pocket-bank
safe in my possession, I would have given the world for it to have been back
again in its former place. The deed was however done; and I evaporated from the
auction mart with the rapidity of thought.
    I was not such an idiot as to return to my lodgings; but I
hastened into the vicinity of Smithfield, and entered a public-house in Chick
Lane. The parlour  -a little slip, with a single window looking upon the
street - was fortunately empty; and I immediately examined my treasure. And
true enough it was a treasure! It contained eight hundred pounds in Bank of
England notes, together with bills of exchange to the amount of three thousand.
There were also letters and cards of address, which showed me who the old
gentleman was. He was a rich landholder in the county of Hants. I enclosed the
bills of exchange and the letters in a sheet of paper, and returned them
through the post to their owner. The Bank notes I kept. But I was now at a loss
how to act; for I fancied that if the notes had been stopped, there would be
danger in attempting to pass them. After I had put the letter in the post, I
returned to the public-house in Chick Lane, and meditated-upon the best course
to pursue. While I was sitting in the parlour, over a glass of brandy
and-water, pondering upon this very difficult matter, a man entered, sate down,
called for some liquor, and got into conversation with me. By degrees we grew
confidential; and he let me know that he was a member of the swell-mob. I
opened my heart to him; and he immediately offered to take me to a place where
I could change my notes.
    "I thankfully accepted his proposal; and he led me into
Field Lane. There he entered a shop where they sold salt fish, herrings,
haddocks, and oysters. He asked a dirty-looking girl if Israel Moses was at
home; and, receiving an affirmative answer, led the way up a narrow, dark, and
dirty staircase, to a room where an old Jew, with a face almost completely concealed
by grisly white hair, was sitting at a table covered with papers. My guide
immediately communicated to him the object of my visit; and the old Jew
questioned me closely relative to the way in which I had obtained the Bank
notes. My companion advised me to tell him the exact truth, which I did; and
the Jew then offered me six hundred pounds in gold for my eight hundred pounds'
worth of notes. He explained to me that he should be compelled to send them to
his agents in Paris, Hamburgh, and Amsterdam, to get rid of them; and that he
could therefore afford to give me no more. I accepted his proposal, received
the gold, and departed, accompanied by my new friend, who was no other than
Dick Flairer.
    "I made him a handsome present for his counsel and assistance,
and was about to part from him, when he told me that I had better take care of
myself for a few days until the hue and cry concerning the pocket-book should
be over. He asked me to accompany him to his lodgings in Castle Street, Saffron
Hill. I agreed; and there I first met his sister Mary. In the evening Dick went
out, to ascertain, as he said, 'how the wind blew.' He' came back at a late
hour, and brought me a copy of a hand-bill that had been printed and
circulated, and which gave not only a full description of the robbery, but also
a most painfully accurate account of my person. Dick assured me that I was not
safe in his lodgings, as he himself was a suspicious character in the
neighbourhood; and be advised me to hide myself in a certain house which he
knew in Chick Lane. I followed his advice, and proceeded to the Old House,
where I lay concealed is that horrid dungeon under ground for a mortal
fortnight. Mary brought me my food every other day, and gave me information of
what was going on outside. She told me that the newspapers had published an
account of the return, of the bills of exchange and letters by post; and that
the same organs stated that the old gentleman who had been robbed was unwilling
to proceed any farther on that very account. At length Dick came himself, and
assured me that I might leave the dungeon; but that it would be better for me
to remain quiet in some snug place for a few weeks. I proposed to him a trip
into the country: he agreed ; and Mary accompanied us.