Personal Experiences (19 page)

I leaned back in my chair and pushed my bangs out of my face, when I did this I noticed the arm of my jacket rose up so I nonchalantly pulled it back down.

When I looked at TJ, I noticed his brows were low like he was disturbed by something.

Rolling my eyes I asked "Oh Jesus, did I hurt your feelings?"

Acting like he couldn't think or talk he stuttered "Ah… no, it's fine."

"What do you want to talk with me about?"

"Let's talk about your husband."

Quickly I responded to that question.

"Ah, let's not."

I didn't want anything about that man to leave my mouth. I was doing what my daddy had taught me to do; if I didn't have anything nice to say I wasn't going to say anything.

"Why, I'm curious to know how he's doing."

"Well, you can stay curious. I thought we had discussed this already. I don't talk about my personal life. Telling you that I had children was as far as that was going."

"Ok then, how's your daddy?"

"Dead, next question?"

"Christ Elleny, I'm sorry."

"Me too, next question."

"What happened to you?"

Shocked, that question threw me off. I wasn't expecting that. I had two options: Option one: break down and tell him that my husband beats me and sleeps with every piece of trash around town and the only way that he will sleep with me is by raping me when he's so drunk I'm stunned he can even get it up. He works when he feels like it and what he does make, he puts in the string of some herpes infested whore down at the local strip club and the only reason why I married him was so that I didn't have to tell you I was pregnant. He's threatened to kidnap my kids if I decide to leave him; oh not only kidnap my kids but your kids as well since you have a set of twins…SURPRISE!!

Option two: LIE!!!!

"Life happened to me Trevor, just like it happened to you, except it seemed to like you a whole hell of a lot better than it liked me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go use the powder room" Standing up and pushing in my chair I grabbed my purse and went to go but turned around and noticed he was watching me so I asked "Ummm, do you need to call my boss and make sure it's ok if I go to the powder room?"

He just continued staring at me with a smirk on his face and dammit if that wasn't cute too. I turned back around and headed to the ladies room.

I went in there and leaned against the sink and just stared at myself. Thinking to myself I made a mental note to call the Trust Advisor at the bank and find out what my maximum amount of money I could withdraw from my account could be, pack up my kids, change our names and fly to a deserted island. Just blue lagoon it, hey wait…don't they have sex? Ok, cross that off, just Gilligan's Island it until we are old and gray.

I had to regroup and find my equanimity because I felt like I was one bird away from flying over the coo-coo's nest. I took some breaths. Inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale. I went to grab my phone to call Rachel and cancel our shopping expedition.

My phone…my phone where's my-"Fuck, shit, goddammit! Can't anything go my way?"

I remembered, I left my phone on the table. I ended up taking three more calming breaths I really needed to add a yoga class to my nighttime routine I washed my hands and headed out of the powder room. As I was coming back to the table TJ stood again, like a gentleman, and sat after I was seated, there was my phone sitting in the same spot I left it in.

"Would you mind giving me one more moment I need to postpone my next appointment."

He smiled with that "I won that battle" smile.

"postpone away."

I sent a text to Rachel.

"Rach still w/dicklord

wont let me leave rain ck on shop'n?"

I immediately received a text back;

"Ur gona fuk him r'nt u?

Sure, scream my name bitch <3 u"

She was so dead tonight! I couldn't deal with two of them right now so I pushed her off until later.

"Could I get another coffee please, since it seems I'm going to be here a little longer?"

"Of course."

He hit the button again and again Rosanna appeared like she materialized out of thin air.

"Rosanna, can we get 2 more dessert coffees please, hold the ice cream, thanks."

As she left I thought I should have asked for a double shot of Kahlua in mine.

"So…" he said as she left the room, I just repeated what he said. This was going to be a fun conversation.

"Look, I'm sorry Elle if I seemed demanding. I just want to spend some time with you, I haven't seen you in eighteen years and I just want to catch up."

Hearing the sincerity in his voice I relaxed a little. I didn't want to talk about my life and when he told me about his all I could do was have personal mini orgasms imagining him all over my body, so I felt it was good to talk about Lilly and Rachel.

"You weren't being demanding" I assured him with a smile on my face. "It was more like bullying" I revealed as I laughed.

He laughed a bold hearty laugh at that and it was indescribable the way that laugh made me feel. With hearing the emphatic gruff that originated from the bottom of his belly and escalated to the joy that I was hearing it made me feel intact and complete again. My laugh died down to a smile but my eyes didn't leave his face. He looked like he became alive when he laughed like that.

Rosanna returned with our coffees and we thanked her and I went to take a sip of my coffee.

"So, tell me about the ink."

I looked on the floor and grabbed my purse and pulled out my pen, I laid it in front of him. He looked at the pen and then looked back at me. I looked at him and looked back at the pen.

"What the hell is that?"

"Ummmm, a pen" Duh, he asked for a pen, maybe he has had one too many dessert coffees.

"Duh, you asked for a pen."

did I really just say that??

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did; you said, where's the ink pen?"

He chuckled "No I didn't. I asked you to tell me about the ink."

Still not understanding, I looked at him like he had lost his mind

"What the fuck are you-"

It hit me like I had run into a sliding glass door. As if this day couldn't have gotten any worse.

I immediately ripped the ponytail out of my hair and threw it in my purse. I had had enough.

"I have to go."

I instantly stood up and threw my phone in my purse and ran for the door. I didn't give a fuck about papers, contracts, tips, nothing. I just knew I had to get out of there.

TJ was running after me apologizing and attempting to get me to stop. I didn't, I kept running. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid as to put my hair up for him to see it.

It being a tattoo, a tattoo that was my contrition, my penance to look at every day and remind myself that I had that one regret that I'd never get over until the day that I died. No one knew about it, not my best friends, not my kids, not even my husband. This was mine and mine alone.

I got to my car and beeped my locks, got in, locked the doors, started the car and drove away from the hotel.

Crying my eyes out.

Chapter Nine

September 1992

Coming back from Tennessee was enjoyable, we ended up taking our time. We woke up early and stopped by an all you can eat buffet, I thought I was in heaven until I actually ate and could only finish half my plate, so I didn't take a chance and go back up for seconds. After breakfast we took the back roads and drove until we stopped to see a scenic waterfall.

The sight was breathtaking. A beautiful massive waterway of water rushed passed by us more rapidly than we could see. As it got closer to its destination the stream turned to the sound of the waves thrashing against each other increased until we could barely hear each other talking as the stream turned into a channel of nothing but white-capped rapids before reaching its destination. It overflowed down the side of the mountain in a roaring thunder, at the bottom, peace silenced the streams as it made its way to a crystal blue lagoon that just begged to be jumped into. There on the side of the mountain, Bear grabbed my hand so I turned my body towards him. "I'm not good at the sweet shit, Ellie but since I didn't get ya a weddin ring, I thought this'll do." He had a ring, a silver ring in his hand. He had gone back to that little shop that we stopped in front of the night before and bought me that ring I had looked at from the window. It was so beautiful, I was speechless. "Bear, it's absolutely gorgeous. Thank you, and you did do good at the sweet shit." I gave him a little laugh and leaned in with a chaste kiss.

We ended up stopping by the side of the road to view a mountainous outlook which made me understand what the saying "God's Country" really signified. It seemed as though I could see the end of the world. Looking out between the mountain ranges was nothing but clear blue sky that seemed to just drop off. Gradually details became so small they were nonexistent. Trees just became small blades of grass and towns became nothing but dots on a map. Looking down below us in the valley seemed as though I could see every detail of the town.

I kind of regarded myself as a voyeur, people were going on about their busy day walking around town, passing and meeting up with their friends, greeting them hello and goodbye, going to the post office and stopping into shops and there I was watching it all laid out before me and they had no clue I was even there watching them. Life just continued on for them. It was so surreal.

While in the car we talked and we laughed. Bear had a great personality. He could make me laugh at the drop of a hat, always could. Both Bubba and Bear were not easy to get to know, they weren't the type to give a stranger the shirts off their backs if you know what I mean, but if you knew them and they thought you were good people they would be the first ones there if you were in need of something. Plus his accent always made everything he would say sound so funny even when he didn't mean it to be funny.

We ended up stopping at an outlet mall just to look around. I even stopped in a baby store and looked at all the outfits and thought of my baby. What would it look like would it have hair when it came out, what was it going to feel like when it came out, was I going to use drugs…that was easy, fuck yeah I was using drugs I did have common sense.

Then my mind wandered to TJ. I began to feel like my heart was being held down by tons of weight. I felt guilty that I was keeping from him a secret that was not mine to keep. I knew he deserved a right to know about the baby but I knew for a fact that he would not make the best decision for himself and for his child. This baby had a momma and a daddy now and I was fine with that and TJ had his life to live and live it his way, no regretful decisions. I had to keep telling myself that. I made the decision and he never had to live with turning his back on us.

We got back in the car both of us quiet, we couldn't have been more than two hours away from home so I ended up falling asleep. Bear gently shook me when we entered my dad's subdivision. "Ellie, we're here" I slowly opened my eyes and stretched as best I could still being cramped in the front seat of my car. It was dusk out. The day had flown by I don't even think we looked at a watch all day to notice the time. When we turned into the long driveway of my childhood home, my heart froze. Because there was TJ's truck in the driveway.

"Uh oh."

Immediately Bear instructed for me to wait in the car when he put the car in park and not to open that door, he would open it.

Snickering because I thought he was being ridiculous I rolled my eyes "Bear he's not gonna hurt me, I think I owe him at least a chat. I'll tell him to go home and don't come back."

This time he spoke his voice was demanding "Didn't ask you that, asked you if you understood what I said."

"Sweetie, you're making a big deal outta nothing."

He repeated what he said one more time.

I agreed and looked anxiously around as we pulled up beside his truck hoping maybe he was just about to leave, no such luck. I didn't see him around. Bear quickly came around observing what was happening around us, which was nothing and opened my door. We both began to relax as we made our way up to the front door when both front doors flew open.

"What the fuck, Elle!" TJ yelled as he walked quickly out. Daddy and Mona rushing after him.

"What the fuck is this…I have been calling you for days now. Your phone was going straight to voicemail and I've left you hundreds of messages"

Oh shit, it was the letter I wrote him. At this point he was close enough for me to see him…really see him. He looked like death, he appeared thinner than he was and his color was off, he looked really pale. His eyes were red rimmed like he had been crying…for days.

Oh, this is not good.

"TJ…I ah…I turned my… p… p… phone… off". It seemed like it had taken me twenty minutes to get that statement out but I was in shock at the way he looked, I just wanted to go up to him and touch his face. I wanted to make him better.

Tearing me from my thoughts Bear grabbed my hand and squeezed but I couldn't take my eyes off TJ. He was in so much pain and it killed me to see him this way. I was just about to tell Bear never mind that I couldn't go through with this when I heard his stern voice.

"Elleny, go in the house. Don't say a word to him, just walk right past him."

Attempting to calm this situation before it got totally out of hand I turned and smiled nervously at Bear "I truly don't think that's necessary."

Bear squeezed my hand again, this time I winced and mouthed "Ouch" and then he yelled "GO!!"

TJ stopped walking towards me as I began walking towards him, my eyes never leaving his which at this time were huge and it seemed like his eyebrows touched his hairline, he seemed confused. I walked beside TJ and didn't say a word, but he did;

"Babe?"

I heard Bear shout "Don't talk to my wife!"

TJ froze where he was, as did I.

I closed my eyes and bowed my head at the announcement Bear decided to make public right now at this very moment.