Phoenix (40 page)

Caroline had a plan for that but wasn’t about to tell Jack what it was. If she did, there was no way in hell he’d let her go. She knew he was humoring her, that he could pull her back if he wanted to. She just didn’t understand why he hadn’t done it yet.

“I’m prepared for whatever comes my way,” she said. The cafeteria had emptied quickly. The hour was later than she thought.

“You need to get some sleep the next two nights,” Jack said.

He must have noticed the time as well. And he wanted something. “What else did you want to talk about?” she asked.

“I don’t want to do it here. May I walk you home?”

Caroline gulped down the last of her tea. “I guess so.”

“I hope that’s decaf,” Jack said.

“I have no idea. It tastes good.” She blushed. He was worried about the most inconsequential things – about
her
– and not bothering to hide it. “I’ll be fine.”

Jack picked up the empty cup and placed it on her tray. “Let me get rid of this for you. I’ll be right back.”

Caroline stood up, stretching her arms. She knew it wasn’t a spectacular idea to let him take her back to her apartment, but maybe she should throw him a little bone.

He returned to the table. “Shall we?”

They didn’t say much as they strolled across the grounds. It was a starry night with a full moon, not a cloud in the sky. Jack’s unease seemed to grow the closer they got to her building. She opened the exterior door and nodded at him, and he joined her on the short walk up the stairs. When they got to her apartment he was winded.

“Getting out of shape, Commander,” Caroline said.

“Haven’t been getting to the gym as much as I’d like.”

She wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea to invite him in. All of her instincts told her that if she did, there was a very good chance she’d end up doing something she wasn’t ready to do. She turned to face him.

“Well,” she said. “Thank you for walking me home.”

“It was my pleasure.” Jack took her hand and squeezed it in his. “I want you to know that I have always been proud of you. In everything you’ve ever done. And even though it may not be my place anymore, I feel obligated to protect you. I just…wanted you to know that.”

His hands were shaking. He appeared to be on the verge of tears. “Jack-”

He caressed her cheek and kissed her forehead before turning away from her. “That’s all I wanted to say. Sleep well, sweetheart.” He released her hand and walked away.

She couldn’t let the conversation end like that. Caroline stuffed her keys into her pocket. “Jack, wait,” she called, running after him.

He turned around instantly. A lone tear had slipped down his cheek. Caroline reached up and brushed it away. Oh God, he couldn’t do this to her. Not now. “Jack,” she whispered. “I can’t-”

He pulled her into his arms, burying his nose in her hair. “Please don’t take this assignment, Caroline. We can find a way to make it look okay. There are other ways you can help. Please.”

She told herself to let go. To push him away. But she wasn’t strong enough. “I have to,” she said. “I know I can’t make you understand.”

“I want to spend time with you,” he mumbled.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I know it’s not.” He tightened his embrace. “I was hoping you’d want to do it anyway.”

She wasn’t sure how long they stood there. How long she debated what path to take. Whether to be the angel or the devil. The darling or the bitch. When he finally pulled away she didn’t say a word.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” he said. “But that won’t stop me from worrying about you.”

Caroline met his eyes, and he quickly drew his gaze to the floor. “Jack, we can’t do this,” she said.

“Why not?”

“We just can’t.”

He leaned in again, pressing his forehead to hers. “One night,” he whispered. “That’s all I want. I don’t mean sex, I don’t want to argue, I don’t even want to talk. I just want you. And me. One more time. Let me stay here tonight.”

A request that was as impossible as it was expected. “I can’t,” Caroline said.

“Please, sweetheart. I miss you so much. Please give me this.”

Caroline swallowed hard, trying not to cry. He was going to keep pushing. He had no reason to hold back. She blinked rapidly, staring at her feet, afraid to look at him. Whatever expression he had on his face would be her undoing. “I can’t do that,” she said.

“Why?”

Because it would mean too much.
“Because I can’t.”             

“Please, Caroline.” He practically choked on the words. “I want to be with you. In the same space. Breathing the same air. Feeling connected to you.”

She’d never heard him speak like this before, but a lot of things had happened over the past few months. His confidence had been shoved out of the way by more disturbing traits. The desperation, the abject sadness. He’d played a good game in the past but had never begged her for anything before. What had it taken for him to choose this route? No matter. She couldn’t give in. The angel got shoved to the side.

“Don’t do this now,” she said.

“I might not get another chance to tell you this,” he said. “I just want to hold you. To love you. To feel the way I used to, for one more night. To have one more thing to remember.”

Caroline told herself not to lose her temper with him, but couldn’t contain herself. She never knew which of her emotions he’d set off at any given time, and anger was the path her brain most often took. If she wasn’t careful she’d give in, which was the last thing she wanted to do. And she knew better than anyone what it would take to hurt him the most. To force him to go away. She took a deep breath. She could make him leave. Protect him as much as herself while shredding him apart at the same time. It was for his own good.

“You’re trying to manipulate me, like you always have,” she said. “Don’t pretend it’s anything else.”

Jack froze but didn’t pull back. “Please, baby,” he whispered. “I need you. I’m so goddamn lonely without you, Caroline. You’re all I have.”

Gut wrenching words designed to rip her heart in two, even if that wasn’t his goal. Words of a defeated man seeking a lifeline. And she wasn’t made of stone. Not yet. Why was he making this so hard? She threw everything she had at him and he kept bouncing back, again and again. He knew what he did to her. He knew she couldn’t stay away. She just wasn’t sure who was the moth and who was the flame. Caroline pressed her cheek to his. “You’re not playing fair,” she said. “You know you aren’t.”

“I don’t care,” he said. “I can’t do this anymore, being apart. I’m no good at anything if you’re not with me. Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away. Don’t do this to me. To us.”

Goddammit, he was really pulling out the stops. Caroline broke away from him, her eyes drifting toward the wall. He was giving her an out, one he assumed she’d never take. He’d made a last ditch effort in the hope that she was a better person than she was. She closed her eyes, knowing that if she left them open he’d see the truth. The devil had taken over but the bitch had yet to make an appearance.

“Walk away,” she said.

Jack grabbed her by the shoulders. “No. You don’t mean that.”

“I do,” she said.

“No. You don’t.”

“Walk away,” she repeated.

He tightened his grip. “Say the words,” he said. “Say them out loud.”

“What you thought we had is gone,” she said. “It never existed.”

“You’re lying. You know you are.”

Did it matter? “Walk. Away.”

“No,” Jack said. “You don’t mean anything you’re saying. You haven’t meant half of what you’ve said to me over the past few months. You love me. I know you do.”

Something inside her brain snapped and the terrible lie tumbled from her mouth and into the air. “Who could ever love a selfish asshole like you?”

Oh, God. She’d said that out loud.
Out loud.
She’d think outrageous things, things she didn’t believe, all the damn time. But there were some thoughts she’d never dare speak aloud. She wanted to stuff that hateful statement back into whatever awful place from which it came, but it was too late. She’d hit him exactly where he hurt the most.

She hadn’t told him she didn’t love him. Not in so many words. But the damage was done. Jack recoiled from the verbal body blow, his demeanor changing instantly. He pulled back from her, lowering his head. The cool, detached authority figure replaced the vulnerable man she’d seen a moment before.

“You need to get your sleep,” he declared. “You have a big project ahead of you.”

Caroline had done a lot of fucked up things in her life but this was by far the worst. She’d made a huge error in judgment, telling him off like that. Purposely hurting him. Lying to his face. She’d crossed the point of no return and obliterated the line completely. The look in his eyes frightened her. She had to fix this. “Jack-”

“Good night, Major,” he said, and resumed walking down the hall.

Caroline drove down the winding road that led to their house in Philadelphia. Jack had suffered as of late; his best friend had died a few weeks prior, the negative coverage during the summer campaign had taken a fresh, disturbing turn, and he’d been letting everything get to him in more ways than one. It had gotten so bad that Greg called Caroline, which he almost never did, and told her to come to Pennsylvania to deal with her husband.

Of course, he might have said that because she’d given a rather aggressive after hours speech on the House floor the night before. Perhaps he was sick of seeing her on C-SPAN playing the role of anything other than the doting, affectionate wife. But if Jack needed her, she’d come. Even if it meant she showed up late at night when he wasn’t expecting her. If he really was in a shit mood, she could see what she was dealing with, as opposed to giving him time to adjust accordingly. If he was upset, there was no way he’d be asleep.

Almost all of the lights in the house were off. He was in his upstairs study, most likely. His best bourbon was in there. He’d have a drink in his hand when she got upstairs. She hoped it was his first.

He didn’t have the desk light on, but a candle was burning in the corner. Normally she’d consider that romantic but it didn’t come across that way. Caroline slipped into the room.

“Hi,” she said.

Jack lifted his head up from the couch, a half empty glass perched on his chest. “Hi.”

He wasn’t too far gone. The drink was definitely his first. And if she had anything to say about it, his last. “Surprise?” she said.

He sat up and placed the glass on the side table. “Greg called you.”

She sat down next to him, kissing his cheek. “He did. Do you want to tell me about it?”

He reached for the glass, finishing it and kissing her on the lips. “Are you going to make me?”

Caroline took the glass out of his hand and put it on the floor. “Probably.”

He put his arm around her. “I’m glad you’re here.”

They were both so good at avoidance. Caroline quite dramatically looked at her watch, an overt gesture he was sure to notice. “It’s almost midnight, Jack. I’m too tired and definitely too horny to dance around this. Just tell me what happened.”

He smiled. “You’re bringing the personality tonight, sweetheart.”

“What happened?”

Jack sighed. “I had a bad day. Not a big deal.”

That had happened more often than not lately. “Anything in particular?”

“Another hit piece. You know. Same old, same old.”

She must have missed that one. “In a major newspaper?”

“No. Some rag.”

“What did it say?”

He shifted away from her. Oh, that couldn’t be good. “Nothing,” he said.

Caroline scooted closer to him. Two could play that game. “It couldn’t be nothing or you wouldn’t be reacting this way.”

He shook his head. “They found another former girlfriend.”

It wouldn’t be too difficult. They were everywhere. But now wasn’t the time to point that out. “What did she say?”

Jack reached for a magazine on the side table. He had a print copy? “See for yourself.”

Caroline took it out of his hand. “I hope you didn’t pay for this. They don’t deserve your money.”

“Someone else bought it.”

Well, that was one good thing. She flipped open the magazine. Tastefully shitty photos and a splashy header. That was nice. She scanned the article before finding the offending sentence. “Oh, Jack. Really?”

“Pretty bad, isn’t it?”

“‘Jack McIntyre is a selfish asshole incapable of feeling anything other than his baser emotions. I’m not the only one who feels this way. Ask anyone who’s dealt with him in a business setting,’” she read.

He yanked the magazine out of her hands and tossed it into the garbage can near his desk. “I don’t need to hear any more.”

“I guess that’s what passes for journalism these days.” Caroline put her hand on his shoulder. “Jack, you cannot possibly believe what that woman said. She’s bitter and angry and she wants attention. Of course she’s going to give them a juicy quote to plaster all over their pages so they can make sales.”

“A true quote.”

It would be rude for her to shake some sense into him. But he was upset about more than the article. “What else happened?”

Jack lowered his head. “I don’t like that you know me so well.”

Caroline kissed his cheek. “I do.”

He took a deep breath. “Someone might have made an offhand remark at a rally.”

Fuck the media coverage. She knew what was really bothering him. He tended to lose his temper when certain buzzwords were thrown at him. Or at her. He almost punched a man who called her a slut after the footage of their encounter at the Fairmont leaked, among other things.

“About me, or you?” she asked.

He shook his head. “It was a twofer.”

“Who said it?”

“I don’t know. Probably a plant.”

It had been known to happen. Murdock would undoubtedly be resorting to as many shady tactics as possible. Likely an older white man who would be smart enough to blend. “I know it’s hard but you can’t keep internalizing these things,” Caroline said. “Some people have no filter. You’re letting it bother you because it plays on your fears.”

Jack frowned at her. “You don’t have to be right all the time. You can be wrong once or twice.”

She kissed him. “Impossible. What did he say?”

He sighed. “Called me an asshole. Said you were a harlot. Something of that nature. Something about us being made for each other.”

“Well.” Caroline laughed. “He got the last one right.”

“It’s not funny.”

“What happened after he said that to you?”

“My handlers stepped in before I lost my temper.”

Which he’d done more than once, especially if she was within earshot. She leaned in for another kiss. “Come on, Monty. Stop listening to the shit. How many people said nice things to you today?”

“I don’t know,” he grumbled.

“Maybe you should start keeping track of the compliments instead of the nasty remarks. Hmm?”

“The nasty remarks are the ones based in truth.”

Honestly. It took him so long to get to the point. Maybe someday he’d learn to say what he meant in the beginning instead of making her work for it. “You’re not an asshole, Jack.”

“The majority of people I come in contact with seem to disagree with you.”

Now it was her turn to sigh. “A snotty remark from a former fling and a few offhand comments from a couple of people out of thousands at campaign events are suddenly the majority? Who’s leading in the polls?”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Who’s leading in the polls?” she repeated.

Jack frowned. “The voters are simply preferring the Lesser of Two Assholes.”

A new twist on an old insecurity. “Pennsylvanians are only voting for you because Murdock is the bigger piece of shit?”

“You finally figured it out.”

Caroline started rubbing his back. “Jack, you’re making too much out of this. It was a shit article. It was a shit comment. Don’t breathe life into either one.”

He shook his head. “I’ve always been that kind of man. You knew that going in. You’ve heard the stories.”

“And I don’t believe them.” Had the stress of the campaign gotten to him? Why was this still an issue? He knew better than to play this game with her. “People say awful things. They have no need for the truth. They do everything they can to try to make us into something we’re not. Think of all the stuff they’ve said about me.”

He stiffened. “I am definitely not going to do that.”

She rested her head on his shoulder. “You’ve had a stressful summer, Jack. Soon the girls will be home, the fall campaign will start…you’re letting your fatigue cloud your judgment.”

“I need a break,” he said quietly.

She wouldn’t disagree with him on that point. She could use a break herself. “Then take one. Take a couple of days. I’ll stay here with you. We can just relax.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Change how it works. You’re the candidate. You can do whatever you want.” She smiled. “And I hope that maybe you want to spend a couple of days with me.”

He kissed her forehead. “I do. But that can’t happen. I have commitments. Responsibilities. And so do you.”

Caroline had to admit they led a rather depressingly routinized life. “I can rearrange things,” she said. “Do you think it would help your mood if I were with you?”

He put his arms around her. “Most definitely.”

Jack didn’t say anything for a long time, and she didn’t feel compelled to speak either. Sometimes it was easier to tell him what she meant without verbalizing it. Caroline leaned in closer, wrapping her arms around his waist until he slid down on the couch and pulled her on top of him.

“I missed you,” he whispered.

“I missed you too.”

“I wish you were with me more often. Maybe it could help keep these damn demons at bay.”

She’d been doing her best to make more campaign appearances, but things didn’t always work out the way she wanted. “There’s only so much I can do, Jack. This is a battle you have to fight yourself.”

He kissed her forehead, tangling his fingers in her hair. “But it’s so much easier to deal with it when you’re here.”

She didn’t know whether to feel flattered or guilty. “I know.” She pulled her head up. “It’s been a rough few weeks.”

Jack kissed her again. “And it never seems to get any better.”

She leaned into his chest. “But it will. It has to, right?”

He started rubbing her back. “I guess.”

“It will,” she said. “And you’re not an asshole, in case you’re still worried about that.”

He let his hands drift lower. “You’re the only person who could say that and make me believe it.”

She grinned at him. “Would America’s Political Sweetheart lie about such things?”

He kissed her. “I hope not.”

Maybe she was swaying him to her position. It had taken long enough. They hadn’t been married long but she hoped he’d figured out by now that she wasn’t about to let him think horrible things about himself without justification.

“You’re a good man,” she said. “But you don’t have to be perfect. You’re allowed to lose your temper and you’re allowed to say stupid things and you’re allowed to make mistakes.”

“I need to stop behaving badly in public.”

Hadn’t they already addressed this? “But you’re not behaving badly.”

“Caroline. Come on.”

She slid off the couch and stood up in front of him, pulling him to his feet. “Okay,” she conceded. “You might be a little…brash when you’re defending my honor but it’s so incredibly sexy when you do it.”

He raised an eyebrow as she fingered his collar. “Oh really?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re definitely not an asshole.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because,” she whispered, untucking his dress shirt. “I’m not attracted to assholes.”

She leaned in for a kiss and he groaned against her lips. “You might just be saying that to make me feel better,” he said.

Caroline unzipped his pants. “I can see you’re going to need some convincing. And I am quite up to the task.”

Jack pressed his forehead to hers. “I love you.”

His voice was a shade too gloomy. “None of that,” she said, grabbing his phone. “This is what you are going to do. You are going to call Greg. You will tell him that you need to reschedule tomorrow’s campaign events. You are not going to tell him that I have started undressing you, or that we’re going to set a new record for the number of times we have sex in a twenty-four hour period. Then you’re going to let me drag you against the wall, or back onto the couch, or into our bedroom, and I’m going to do my damndest to cheer you up. Got it?”

He had already pressed the number for Greg’s speed dial. “Please don’t do anything to me while I’m talking to him. He might hear.”

Caroline wouldn’t have done that anyway but it was an amusing image. “I’m sure Greg knows exactly why you’re taking a break.”

It was a short conversation. Greg didn’t argue. At this point in the campaign he knew better than to disagree with his boss when he needed a breather. And Caroline restrained herself quite well, only reaching for Jack when he ended the call. She took the phone out of his hand and turned it off, tossing it on the couch. “Not a single contact with the outside world until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest.”

“We don’t have any food in the house,” Jack said.

“The pizza guy is an allowable exception.”

“Good.”

Caroline glanced around the room. There were many opportunities for acrobatic sex in his office. “Your place or mine?”

He took her hand and led her toward the door. “Definitely the bedroom.”

Oh, he wanted romance. That seemed appropriate. She could be aggressive and seductively adorable at the same time. “Fine with me,” she said, tugging him into the master bedroom. She pushed him against the wall and kissed him. “Took you long enough to get in here.”