Phoenix (42 page)

He didn’t want to dance around this topic all day. He had shit to do. Maybe some distance would help. “Drop it, Caroline.”

“I’ve never seen you like that before,” she said.

Dammit, she wasn’t going to let go. He shrugged his shoulders, taking a sip of coffee. “A lot has changed over the past year.”

“I wanted to make sure you’re okay now.”

“I’m fine,” he said. Another lie. All they did was lie. To themselves. To each other. How much longer could they keep it up?

Caroline took a deep breath. “Jack, we’re going to be working together all day on this. The least we can do for ourselves and for everyone else in the room is to try to act professional about it.”

It didn’t hurt to widen the gap a little more. “I’ll be professional, Major.”

“But you’re not okay.”

Goddammit. Fine. She wanted the truth, he’d fucking give it to her. “Why does it suddenly matter to you?” he snapped. “You haven’t given a shit the entire time you’ve been here and the day before you leave on a highly dangerous mission, you’re going to play that card?” He stood up, scattering some papers across the table. “Don’t give me your fucking pity, now of all times. I don’t want it.”

“I want you to be happy,” she whispered.

“You know what would make me happy?” he asked. “I’d be happy if I didn’t feel like I wasn’t allowed to call you by anything other than your rank, because God forbid you remember that I’m your husband. I’d be happier if I didn’t have to worry that the slightest thing I say or do would set you off. And I’d be happiest if you stepped down from this assignment. See? I said it. Is that what you were waiting for?”

“Jack, you know I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I want to go. I want to feel useful. I don’t want to sit here and do nothing because I’ve already paid my dues. I want to help.”

Was she telling the truth? He couldn’t tell. “You can help by staying here,” Jack said.

“And doing what?”

He took another sip of coffee and didn’t say anything.

“I’m not doing this to hurt you,” Caroline insisted.

A dubious statement. It was going to be a long day if she kept bouncing back and forth like this. “You’ve never kept anything uncomplicated, have you?” he asked.

“No,” she said quietly. “I guess I haven’t.”

Jack touched her wrist, pulling up her sleeve, turning her arm so they could both see the numbers tattooed on her forearm. “You’ve done plenty for this rebellion,” he said. “Enough for several lifetimes.”

“I know you don’t want me to go. And I respect that, Jack. Truly, I do. But I feel compelled to do this.”

Another questionable assertion. Did she respect him at all? He peered down into his coffee.

“Do you trust my judgment?” she asked.

His head shot up. “I’m sorry?”

“Do you?”

What kind of a question was that? He stared at her for a long time. “Of course I do,” he said. “I always have.”

“I’m asking you to trust me on this.”

“I’ll try.”

A short, clipped statement. She’d expected him to warm up. But he wasn’t going to play her games. Not today. Jack rose from his seat and handed her one of the packets of paper from the table. He promised Natalie he’d try. That he’d put up with her. But he needed to get away, if only for a moment. “I forgot something back at the office. I’m going to run over and get it before the meeting starts. In the meantime, take a look at this,” he said.

Caroline gave him a half smile that he didn’t return. “Thank you,” she whispered.

*              *              *              *              *

Jack let his guard down a little as the morning wore on. It was impossible not to. Maybe that was why he didn’t want to put up with Caroline’s behavior anymore; no matter what, she knew he’d come crawling back. He was still replaying the previous night’s conversation in his mind. Served him right for putting himself out there that way. Not when he knew she wasn’t ready for it. Or for him. But maybe she never would be.

It was impressive watching her interact with her men. Watching the way they cared about what she had to say. Even at her worst she knew how to lead. A precious skill to have. He realized he’d been staring at her for most of the morning instead of listening to his advisors give details on the mission. Flaherty was his top gun but Major Ballard knew all the intricacies of guerrilla warfare and unconventional approaches to military operations. So he was taking the lead on this one. Jack listened as he explained the tactical plan for getting their operative out.

“He’s been a double agent for over eighteen months,” Ballard said. “Things are getting hot and we have to get him before they discover the truth.”

“Where is he?” Caroline asked.

“The U.S. has a number of ‘rest homes,’ as they’re known colloquially, for certain employees who need a break from their assignments. One of them is at the former Nellis Air Force Base in Nevada.”

A base that was very close to the border with California. Caroline wouldn’t miss the connection.

“So we’re going in there to break him out?” she asked, turning to her men. “Seems simple enough, I guess. What’s the security situation?”

Ballard raised his hand before gesturing to the maps on the table. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Security is tight but not unreasonable. There will be another team going in with you, clearing the way so that you can achieve your objective here.” He pointed to the map, to a building near the edge of the base. “Our operative is located here and is considered a high risk, high value member of the rebellion in need of immediate extraction.”

Caroline frowned. “Okay, that sounds like some serious Seal Team Six shit. Why are we part of it? We don’t have that kind of training.”

Damn it. Ballard shuffled some papers in his hands in a clear sign that he was not entirely comfortable doing the talking. He was about to get to the part Jack dreaded. Jack glanced over at the major and nodded.

“Well,” Ballard said. “I suppose you all are a distraction while the other team goes in and ‘captures’ our prisoner.”

Caroline looked confused. “Another team?”

“We have a special operations unit located on the main base. Part of the California Republican Army. All former Delta Force or Navy SEALs.”

“We’re goddamn bait,” Jones muttered.

“We’re decoys,” Caroline corrected.

“Does that matter?” he asked. “Might as well put fucking targets on our backs. You got any red paint, Crunch?”

Caroline waved her hand at him. “Stop. Let them explain.” She turned to Jack. “Commander?”

Of course she would put it on him. He could try. Jack pointed at the opposite side of the building. “You and your team create the diversion here,” he said. “Our CRA friends liberate our operative through means that I’m still a bit unclear on, but I assure you, it’s all within the bounds of international law.”

“Well, that’s fucking comforting,” Jones said. “As long as we’re not breaking any precious rules.”

Caroline smacked her palm down on the table next to him. “Show the commander and his advisors some respect. We wouldn’t be going in there if it wasn’t important.”

Jones sat back in his chair, duly chastened. “Yes, ma’am.”

Well, that was the first time Jack had seen that happen. Points for her.

Ballard stared at Caroline, then turned his attention to Jack. “Sir, we don’t need a higher ranking officer on this mission. Lieutenant Gigowski is perfectly capable of-”

Was everyone trying to undermine him today? Caroline had volunteered and he was bound and determined to respect her decision, even if he thought it unwise. Jack cut him off. “They go as a team.”

Ballard glanced over at Caroline again. “Yes, sir.”

He’d received the message loud and clear. Good. “All right,” Jack said. “Let’s fill in the rest of the blanks and get these soldiers on their way.”

Caroline and her unit spent most of the day shoring up details with Jack and his advisors. They’d be wearing their aliases on their uniforms. If captured they were not to reveal anything about the rebellion. They’d be flying in on a helicopter just like the one Gabe and his unit had used, except they’d be stopping to refuel at a secret site close to the Nevada border, where a plane would be waiting for the return trip. If anything went wrong, they’d be able to dash out of there in higher powered aircraft if necessary. All those annoying details were covered but it didn’t matter. They were going to do their jobs and get the fuck out of there. Death and failure weren’t options. Unless they hit a snag or their intelligence was bad, they’d be free and clear and back on base before anyone even realized they’d left.

They all ate dinner together – her unit, Jack, and his advisors. Her fellow majors seemed much more likely to open up once they were allowed to decompress. All in all, it was as pleasant an experience as one could imagine under the circumstances, even if Jack was at the other side of the table completely ignoring her. She wondered if anyone had noticed. After the other men scattered, she walked over to him.

“Will you walk home with me?” she asked.

He’d been shoving around his unfinished dessert but brought his head up. “Excuse me?”

“I just – it’s dark and I thought you could take me home.”

He shook his head. “You don’t need an escort, Major.”

Every distant statement he made reminded her of how much damage she’d done. She took a deep breath. “Will you please walk me home?”

He gathered up his garbage. “Fine. Let’s go.”

Another clear night. Another quiet walk. The tension was palpable. But this time she unlocked her apartment door and beckoned him inside.

They stood in the middle of the living room. Was she supposed to ask him to sit down? She didn’t know. Was she supposed to talk first? Probably.

“It was nice spending time with you today,” she said.

“Really?” he asked. “I thought I caught you nodding off once or twice during the briefing.”

He’d noticed. Well, she was past the point of being tactful. No doubt he knew that already. “That meeting was the most boring thing I’ve ever had to sit through.”

She expected him to maybe crack a smile but the bland expression remained. “Boring is usually code for important,” he said.

She reddened. “I know.” Caroline stared at the floor, wondering how she could find a creative way to ask him to leave when she was the one who invited him up in the first place.

“I liked watching you interact with your team,” he said.

Was this how it was going to go? Exchanging choppy one line statements until one of them got frustrated enough to end the conversation? “They’re good men,” Caroline said.

Jack rocked back and forth on his feet. He was delaying. She wasn’t sure why, given the mood he was in.

“Would you like me to make you a cup of tea?” he asked.

She glanced at her watch. “It’s late. Weren’t you lecturing me about caffeine consumption the other night?”

“Some chamomile would help you sleep.”

No smile. No real affection in his voice. Still, was he going to drop the act? Bridge the gap? She didn’t know. Caroline reddened again, thinking about the last time he’d been in her apartment. In her bed. Holding her. She wanted him to do more than that. She tried to clear her head. “I don’t want anything to happen that we’ll regret.”

“Rest assured, Major, you don’t have to worry about anything regrettable happening tonight.”

Well, that was harsh. She stared down at the floor. It had been a very awkward couple of days and it didn’t seem to be getting any easier. Jack cleared his throat and tipped her chin up so she was facing him. He stroked her cheek with his thumb, the move so subtle that she wouldn’t have noticed it if she hadn’t been zeroed in on his touch. Almost a perfunctory gesture. But there was a hint of something else there, something other than warmth. She stared into his eyes, hoping for more. Hoping that she’d see the introspective, loving man who had escorted her home the night before.

Jack reached in his pocket and pulled out a chain with a ring on it. “I want you to have this.” He flattened his hand against her palm, placing the chain in it. “Please take it.”

The spell was broken. “That’s your wedding band.”

“I know. It belongs to you. I have yours. Fair is fair.”

He sounded so…practiced when he said it. Like it meant nothing at all. She closed her hand over the chain. “I don’t-”

“I’m not going to take it back. Do what you want with it. It might bring you a little luck.”

Did he want her to wear it? Why didn’t he say so? “Jack-”

“I want you to promise me that you’ll be careful,” he said.

The mask fell away, if only for a moment. Caroline looked away from him, placing the ring in her pocket. He hadn’t explained why he’d overridden his advisors and she wasn’t about to ask him why. He could have pulled her back and hadn’t. She had her suspicions. He’d gotten sick of her snide remarks. Of having to deal with her brokenness. And he had very little desire to talk her out of unwise decisions. There was no more effective way of conveying that he didn’t give a shit.

“I’ll try,” she whispered.

Jack caressed her cheek again, bringing her to face him. “Do more than try. You have the ability to complete this mission. I have confidence in you. Just please be careful. I can’t lose you again.”

Maybe she didn’t want the mask to fall away completely. Listening to him tell her to be careful while carrying that coldness in his voice was worse than when he’d opened up to her. She stared at the floor again as he withdrew his hand.

He cleared his throat. “Major, you are to return to this base in one piece tomorrow. That’s an order.”

Caroline had done nothing but engage in stupid and irrational behavior since she’d joined the movement and she had a very strong suspicion that she’d done it again. She looked up at Jack, who appeared to be so very sad. It broke her heart to know she was the main reason for his melancholy.

And she wanted him. Fuck, she wanted him. Even though he was angry as hell with her. The sudden onslaught of emotion made her dizzy.

Before she even knew what she was doing, she kissed him hard, grabbing his shirt. Jack drew her to him, pushing his tongue inside her mouth to meet hers. She leaned in closer, moving her hands from his shirt to his hair. He responded ferociously, grasping her waist, not letting her pull back. She tugged at his shirt collar, desperate to close the remaining distance between them, feeling him pull her hips closer to his, spinning her around until they were up against the wall.

Caroline scratched at his back as he brought both hands up to fist her hair, tugging at her head gently. She moaned against his lips and spread her legs apart. He pressed his knee between her thighs as he continued to tease her tongue with his, greedily consuming her. She could feel his heart racing, beating in time with hers. She was practically humping his leg but didn’t care. She wanted his skin against hers, his mouth on more than just her lips, his fingers everywhere he wanted to put them. If she could just get closer to him, just one inch, one centimeter, one millimeter
closer
…

She pawed at his shirt, untucking it from his pants. She could do things to him. All the things he liked. She could get down on her knees and show him how much she missed him. Unless he acted first. He would be so warm, and his chest would be so firm, and if she asked nicely he’d do everything she wanted him to do. And he would be gentle and kind and rough and beautiful and
hers
….

Jack broke the kiss and leaned against the wall, panting. His sweet breath blew hot and heavy in her ear. The kiss had affected him.
Really
affected him. The thought empowered her but wasn’t enough to put a damper on her growing shame.

She turned away from him, squeezing her eyes shut, incredibly embarrassed. She shouldn’t have done that. Shouldn’t have gotten caught up in something that wasn’t meant to happen. It wasn’t fair to him.

“Holy mother of mercy,” he whispered, still holding her in his arms as he regained his bearings. “The next time you kiss me like that I’m locking us in my bedroom for a month.”

She’d thrown him off. And she wasn’t sure whether that was good or bad. Caroline didn’t know how long they stood there. She didn’t want it to end. She was afraid to open her eyes, afraid to touch him, afraid to say or do anything.

Jack kissed her cheek before pulling away with a heavy sigh. “Good night, sweet Caroline.”

She knew she had to say something to him. To explain. To assuage his guilt as well as her own. To get him to stay. But before she even had a chance to open her eyes, he was gone.