Picks & Pucks (30 page)

Dad started again, and I squeezed my eyes shut. The demons grabbed me by the arms, forcing me to go with them. Janae’s kitchen dissolved, and I was standing in our old kitchen, watching my mother.

“Get moving, Justin. You need to be at the rink in twenty minutes, and if we don’t leave right this second, we’ll be late.”

I groaned and grabbed my hockey bag, unzipping it to make sure my figure skates were inside.

When she dropped me at the rink, she kissed my cheek and waved at Marina.

“Jack or Janae will pick you up after your lesson.”

“Bye, Mom.” I smiled as I laced up my skates
.

Instead of roaring away to do other mom things, I hadn’t realized she had stayed and watched me mess around with my triple axel. When I landed the jump for the first time, Marina had bear-hugged me, telling me how proud she was of me. My mother glowed and slipped out the side door of the arena. I desperately wanted to stop her, but I knew the past was going to stay the past. I could do nothing to change what happened.

The demons whisked me out the door into the snowy day, shoving me into the car with my mom.

Her phone rang the moment she closed the door.

“Jack, I really don’t have time to… okay, fine. Yes, I know you need the sticks. I’m with Justin.” She shook her head. “I am not always with Justin. You’re acting like a brat,” she said and hung up her phone. It rang again.

“Janae? Your costumes are ready. I need you to pick up Justin. A date? Fine, I’ll get someone else to pick him up.”

She hung up her phone again and started the car.

“One day, my kids will learn how much they need each other.”

I clawed at the windows, wanting to get out. Surely the demons weren’t going to make me witness the actual accident.

She was still muttering about children who didn’t know how good they had it when we turned into the driveway of our home. She shivered when she got out of the car. The snow was still light and fluffy.

“Jamie?” she shouted when she opened the door. “Can you go pick up Justin? I need to pick up Jack’s hockey sticks and Janae’s costumes are ready. She’s already upset with me.”

My dad poked his head around the corner. “I’m meeting with my new assistant coach, Justine. And why is Justin at the rink? I didn’t think he had hockey practice today.”

“It’s not hockey practice,” she said.

I gasped and the demons leaned forward.

“What else would he be doing at the rink?”

She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. “He’s taking figure skating lessons, Jamie,” she said. “And before you say a word, he’s damn good. I mean, world-caliber good. He landed a triple axel today.”

“Triple axel,” he roared so loud it made me jump.

“Yes, a triple axel. If you say one word to him about any of this….” She paused and furrowed her brow. “You owe him. He will tell you when he’s ready. It may take a while for him to trust you after the way you acted when he tried to talk to you about his sexuality.”

“If you think I’m going to let the kid throw away a hockey career for figure skating—”

“Jamie,” she snapped. “You are lucky either of us are still talking to you. After the way you treated him when he came out to us. You leave the boy alone! He is old enough to make his own decisions when it comes to sports.”

He huffed. “If you want him to skate, you pick him up.”

She growled, grabbed her keys, and stomped out of the house.

The wind howled, whipping the falling snow and almost taking the hat off her head. She got in the car, revved it and shot out of the driveway.

The demons pulled me out and the scene dissolved in a flurry of snow. I laid my head on the table as the tears welled up in my eyes. Janae rubbed my back, and Jack put his arm around my shoulder. The words “I’m sorry” echoed throughout the room.

“So you see, she was doing things for all of us, like she always did,” my dad said. “And she certainly would not be happy with the way we have acted over the last few years. We are a family. We should support and love each other no matter what happens.” He took a deep breath. “You all need to find your joy in life. You were all your mother’s joy. She loved you, faults and all. It’s time to embrace life and be happy we’ve still got each other.”

Janae picked up her glass, and with tears streaming down her face she choked out a toast. “To Mom.”

We joined her, lifting our glasses in the air. As we toasted our mother and celebrated her life, several of the demons surrounding me popped like brightly colored fireworks. The weight on my shoulders lessened until only a few demons were near me.

I knew why they were still here, and I wasn’t going to live with them anymore. I knew what I wanted.
He
was what I wanted, and I had to find out if he still wanted me.

“Is CJ still staying with Spock?” I asked. “I need to talk to him before I leave for Nationals.”

“I think so,” Janae said.

“I’m with him,” I announced. “Or I was before we got into a fight. I still love him.”

They all rolled their eyes.

“Oh jeesh, did everyone know?”

“It’s pretty obvious,” my dad said. “He looks at you with such adoration it’s hard to miss, and you light up like a neon sign whenever he’s around.”

“A neon sign, Dad?” I shook my head. He shrugged and grinned at me.

I spent the rest of the night trying to reach CJ. I called, sent several texts, and even e-mailed him, but no reply came. I called Spock’s phone, but he didn’t answer either.

When I dragged my butt to practice the next day, I could barely see straight.

“You do not look well,” Marina said. “And if you tell me you are fine one more time, I am going to make you run the stairs for an entire hour.”

“Okay, I’m not fine. I’m hungover and CJ won’t talk to me.”

“Thank you for telling me the truth.”

I nodded and did a triple loop, triple loop. “See, I’m fine.”

“Please try to sleep tonight,” she begged.

“Yes, yes, I’ll do my best,” I said.

“See that you do! We leave in two days.”

The rest of practice went well, and Marina even smiled once.

Later that evening, Spock finally called me back, telling me he had forgotten his phone at home. They’d been at a house party last night. He begged CJ to take the call and talk to me, but he refused. I got tired of listening to them argue, so I hung up and shut my phone off. Instead of sleeping, I stared out my window, watching tiny snowflakes drift to the ground.

The morning brought nerves I’d never felt before. The programs were damn near perfect, but my life was in an uproar. Plus I had a tickle in my throat and I kept sneezing. The last thing I needed was to get sick right before we left for Nationals.

Janae fed me soup, stuffed vitamins down my throat, and made me drink gallons of liquid to flush out the bad toxins in my body. I sneezed and flipped her off.

She drove me over to the rink for our final practice before we packed up and headed to Nationals.

“Justin,” Marina said. “Come, sit and talk to me.”

I untied my skates and slipped them off, letting them drop to the floor. Marina patted my knee.

“It has been an honor to work with you these last few years. I have watched you turn from a youngster into a man. Never in all my years on the ice have I seen someone with such raw talent. It has been quite a journey for both of us.”

“Are you leaving me?” I asked. A tightness grabbed my chest and squeezed.

“After Nationals, I am retiring from the competitive world of figure skating. I miss my husband and children. It is time for me to go home and be a mother.”

“But what about me?” I asked, my voice cracking. “I need you too.”

“You already have a great team in place. Janae is a wonderful coach, and I have been fielding calls about your choreographer. People are drooling over Eli’s innovative programs.”

“He’s going to be impossible to live with when he hears it.”

“I am so proud of you,” she said. She touched my cheek and the tears fell freely. “Everyone is proud of you. But there is one thing I would ask of you.”

“What’s that?”

“Talk to your boy,” she said.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me anymore,” I said, hanging my head.

“Try harder, Justin. You will never know if you do not confront him. It is better to know his true feelings than always wonder what if.”

“No one was supposed to know we were together.”

“You are a terrible secret keeper. You wear your emotions like a drag queen in full costume.”

“Marina,” I said, scandalized.

“Skate for me,” she said.

“Really?”

I started to lace up my skates, but Marina placed her hand on top of mine. When she turned her palm up, she was holding a pair of bright pink laces. I shook my head and let her tie my skates.

“You are one of a kind. Never be afraid to show who you truly are,” she said.

I scrolled through my playlist until I came to the perfect song. It was sappy, but the words were strong, and it was one of Marina’s favorite programs. I’d never performed it in front of an audience because it never felt right, but at this moment, it was perfect.

When the song ended, the strongest woman I knew was blinking back tears and smiling like a mother would smile at her son. I chased the lump in my throat away and grinned at her, mouthing a silent thank you. She nodded and went down the tunnel.

When I skated over to the boards, I noticed my dad leaning in the shadows, quietly clapping.

“Hey, Dad,” I said.

“That was magnificent,” he said. “You do know I wish I could be at Nationals for you. I’m going to try my damndest to get there for the finals on Sunday.”

“What if I don’t make it to the finals?”

“Then I’ll fly home with you, and we’ll go out for a steak.”

I took my skates off again and shoved them into my bag. He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

“For about a year after your mother’s death, I was so angry at everything, including you. I can see how you thought I blamed you for her death. But that was never it, Justin. I was mad that she wouldn’t get the chance to see her children blossom and grow into who you all are today.”

I leaned against him and smiled when a warm breeze tickled my cheek. “She knows, Dad.”

“I am sorry for how I treated you when you came out to me. I know that must have been so hard, and to have your own father get angry for being who you were meant to be….” He swallowed. “Thank you for giving me another chance to be your dad.”

“Is that why you helped Eli and CJ?”

“I think I realized that who you love doesn’t define you as a person. If it did, I never would have let you walk out of my life. Your mother was the love of my life. I was lucky to have her. Love is a great thing—something we should cherish, not condemn.”

I sniffled. “My life is a disaster right now.”

“Tell CJ how you feel and give him time,” he said. “He’s broken right now.”

“I’m really tired, and we have an early flight tomorrow,” I mumbled.

“I’ll take you home.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I murmured. “For everything.”

Another warm blast of air swirled around us, and I saw several demons float by the scoreboard and evaporate.

“Where is that warm air coming from? It can’t be good for the ice,” he muttered.

I chuckled and whispered, “Thanks, Mom.”

“Let’s get you home, Justin.” He tossed my skate bag over his shoulder and we walked out of the rink, laughing and talking about my mom.

“Shit,” I said, skidding to a stop. “I forgot my hockey skates.”

“Your hockey skates?”

“Er, yeah, I always carry them with me. I can’t go to Nationals without them.”

My dad shook his head. “Who am I to stand in the way of superstition?”

Dad stayed for dinner and we talked more about the competition and CJ and silly things like my pink skate laces.

Dad left when Janae came home.

“You look a little better,” she said.

“I’ve been hanging out with Dad.”

“Marina told me to give these to you.”

“Tickets? What am I supposed to do with these?” My breath hitched. “Never mind.”

“Marina told me she’s retiring.”

“Yep,” I said, popping the p. “If you tell me you’re leaving, I may have a dramatic nervous breakdown.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes, Janae, I would like you to be my coach.”

“Oh, Justin,” she squealed and threw her arms around my neck, squeezing so hard I thought my lungs were going to shoot out of my mouth. “You feel warm.” She placed her hand on my cheek and frowned. “Are you feeling okay?”

She bit her lip but I rolled my eyes and she relaxed.

“I’m a little tired,” I said.

“Take a hot shower and go to bed,” she said.

“Yes, Coach,” I said and saluted her.

“God, I could get used to that.” She laughed all the way down the stairs. Several demons followed her, but floated through the front door.

When I got out of the shower, Jack was sitting on my bed. “I wish I could be there for you.”

“What are you doing here now?”

“I needed a break from all the drama at school. It’s really going to hit the fan when the students come back and hockey season gets going again. I had to kick two more players off the team. It’s been a nightmare. I came home to talk to Dad.”

“It’ll get better.”

“I know, but I still wish I could be at Nationals.”

“Just because you can’t be in the building doesn’t mean you aren’t around, Jack.”

“Sort of like Mom.”

“Yeah, she’s always with me,” I said.

“Find your joy, Justin,” he said and gave me a big bear hug.

“Mom used to say that to me before I skated.”

“I know,” he winked and backed out of my room. A few more demons sank into the floor.

“Bye, Jack,” I yelled as I crawled into bed. I grabbed a piece of paper and pen, resting the tickets beside my leg. Before I composed my letter, I made a quick call to Spock, making him promise he would get CJ over to the house and up to his room. He promised and wished me luck. I had to bite my tongue to keep from pummeling him with questions about CJ.