Picks & Pucks (29 page)

My dad showed up with bagels in the morning. He looked worn-out.

“Where’s CJ, Dad?”

“He’s staying with Lance, er, Spock. Just give him a few days. I’m sure he’ll talk to you.” Dad handed me a bagel. “Those boys were his teammates. The thing with the coach was hard enough. I can’t imagine how he feels.”

Danny poured me a glass of grape juice and sat down next to me.

“Are you okay, Justin?” Dad asked.

“Yeah, I just have to take a few days off.”

Danny stayed for two days while my bruises healed. Eli glared a lot and Janae didn’t know what to think. I finally pulled them both aside and said nothing was going on between us. They didn’t look like they believed me.

By the third day I was going stir-crazy, so I went back to the rink. It didn’t go well. Marina cursed a lot in Russian. She wasn’t angry with me, just the timing of my misfortune.

“Come back tomorrow and we will try again,” Marina said. “Your boy is here.”

“My boy?”

She nodded toward the tunnel and I saw CJ leaning against the wall, watching me.

“Go talk to him.”

I slowly skated to the boards.

“Hi,” I said.

“Can I talk to you?”

“Sure, come home and make me lunch. I’m tired of peanut butter sandwiches,” I joked.

“I can’t,” CJ said. He frowned and tried to rub the creases out of his forehead. He sat on the bench and stared at the ice. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”

“You don’t need to apologize for something you didn’t do,” I said.

“They came after you because of me.”

“CJ,” I whispered, sitting down next to him. “I miss you.”

“Don’t,” he said.

I slid away, putting some space between us.

“I don’t know how to deal with all this shit. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you.”

“CJ, I know they were your teammates.”

“Cody, the guy who was driving, was my boyfriend. His dad was an assistant coach, and he was scared to death of anyone finding out he was gay. When the shit hit the fan, he left me. And then to see him take part in trying to hurt you.” He stood up abruptly. “I have to go.”

“Wait, CJ.”

He turned his back on me, shoved his hands into his pockets, and disappeared down the tunnel. A pack of demons trailed behind him. Several sat down next to me.

“Go fuck yourself,” I snarled at the demons. They ignored me and followed me home.

Eli was sitting on the couch, fiddling with the TV remote.

“I hate seeing you like this,” Eli said.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said. “He won’t talk to me.”

“How was skating?”

“Not good. I’m still stiff. We’re trying again tomorrow.”

I sat down and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Would you be totally pissed off if I went out tonight? I have a date with Taylor.”

“Go have fun. It’s the beginning of the holiday season.”

“You sure?”

I didn’t want him to go, but he didn’t need to sit under my black cloud. When I heard the front door open again, I figured it was Eli coming back to apologize for abandoning me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as Danny sauntered into my living room.

“Eli called. He said you needed to talk to someone, and he picked me. I’m sure you’re thrilled.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Go away.”

He sat down on the couch and placed his arm around my shoulders, careful to avoid the healing bruise.

“You don’t have to babysit me. I’m sure you have tons of better offers,” I mumbled.

“Nah, not tonight,” he said, pulling me closer. The familiar warmth from his body seeped into my bones.

“Baby,” he said softly. “Have you tried to talk to him?”

“He won’t talk. Turns out the guy who was driving the car was his boyfriend,” I said, moving away from him. He followed me, cornering me against the arm of the couch.

“Jeesh, that’s brutal,” he said.

“Quit being so nice to me. It fucks with my head.”

He persisted, coming closer and asking more questions.

“Would you do something like that to me?”

“No,” Danny said firmly.

“Even if it meant everyone would find out about our past?”

“Justin, I would never physically hurt you to protect my image, and I’m sorry for all the shit I gave you. I shouldn’t have said all that crap about glitter and skating skirts. It was fucking disrespectful.”

Tears filled my eyes, and I let him wrap his arms around me.

“I’m so sorry, Justin. You and me had something good, and I fucked it up. But watching everything CJ has gone through has really opened my eyes. I don’t want to live life hiding behind lies. It’s way too much work.”

“After all this shit, I understand why you don’t ever want to come out,” I said.

“Funny you should mention that.”

“What are you saying?”

His blue eyes glistened. “I know we can’t go back, and even if you don’t want to admit it, I know you’re head over heels in love with CJ, so my chance with you has passed. But I think I want to be true to myself. I’ve stopped dating women. It’s not fair to them. I’m going to live how I want, and if that’s dating guys and playing hockey, well, that’s what I’m going to do.”

I stared at him. If he had said this to me at the beginning of the season, I would have fucked him senseless. Part of me was still attracted to him, but my heart was now with someone else.

“He still loves you,” Danny said. “He’s just trying to deal with all this shit.”

“Everything is always so fucking complicated,” I grumbled and cuddled against his chest.

“We can’t help who we fall in love with,” he said sadly. He could still make my heart hurt.

T
HE
NEXT
morning, I was back on the ice with no lasting side effects from the hockey stick. My shoulder still ached, but I wasn’t about to admit that to Marina.

A little bit of luck came to my side when the city was hit with a massive storm. I got another two days off from practice. Not skating or working out allowed my shoulder to heal completely.

Janae forced me out of my room on Christmas morning to open presents with Jack and Dad. Jack had managed to sneak away from work for a few days. Eli and Taylor somehow made it over for dinner. It was proof that Eli would walk through a snowstorm for a good meal, but it was nice to have a friend around.

“Just ask,” I said. I was tired of Eli looking at me and clicking his lip ring.

“Have you heard from him?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

He clicked his lip ring like he wanted to say something else. I sighed. “Have you talked to him?”

“Yeah, he asked about you.”

“Lovely.”

“Don’t you want to know how he’s doing?”

“No,” I growled. “Just leave it be, Eli. It’s over and I don’t have time for the drama.”

“It’s going to be okay. You’ll see,” Eli said.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him nothing would be okay. The demons snickered and toasted their success.

After I survived Christmas, I stopped everything except skating and working out. I slept alone and ate alone. I ignored Eli’s texts and phone calls. He came to practice several times, but I stayed on the ice and out of his clutches. I shut out Danny, banning him from the house. I stopped skating with Janae’s students. Marina was beside herself, desperately trying to pull me out of my mood. My dad didn’t know what to do with me.

The only thing that didn’t suffer was the skating. The
Braveheart
program was almost perfect. The ending still felt unsettled, but I kept that to myself. It didn’t feel right to end with a spin. Everyone else thought the program was absolutely perfect.

Most of the hockey players had gone home for the holidays. Dad gave them a few days off, since their next series wasn’t until the weekend of US Nationals. I begged Kenny to call me when the arena was quiet. He always had all the inside information on who was coming and going.

“You got a minute?” Kenny asked.

“Yeah, sure,” I said. He gestured at the stool by his desk, so I sat down and retied my skates.

“CJ isn’t doing so hot,” he said.

I stood up quickly, knocking over the stool. “Not my problem,” I said.

“He skates alone a lot. I’ve heard rumors. He may not be coming back to the team. He’s out on the ice right now.”

“You told me the arena was empty.”

“At the time you called, it was,” he snapped.

“We aren’t,” I paused, “friends anymore.”

Kenny cleared his throat. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

“No, why would I think that?”

“He was much more than a friend to you.”

“I’m not talking about this,” I said, heading toward the door.

“Justin, you sit your skinny little ass back on that stool. You are going to listen to me.”

I huffed, folded my arms and sat down on the tiny stool, glaring at the man in front of me.

“Kenny, I appreciate your concern for me, but I can’t do this. I’m tired of fighting. I came home to get rid of all the shit in my life, not to add more.”

“Do you really believe CJ was a bad thing?”

My shoulders sagged under the weight of the demons. “No, but he shut me out, and I don’t think I can help him.”

“Did you ever stop to think he might have as many demons as you?”

I shrugged and tried to act relaxed and unaffected. “He doesn’t trust me.”

“Have you ever given him a reason to trust you, told him any of your dark secrets? People who he thought were his friends turned on him.”

I shook my head, and Kenny finally frowned, waving me out of his office. Before I left the arena, I hid in the shadows and watched CJ skate for a few moments. The demons wrapped me in sadness until I had to leave the arena or break down. It was better to stay away from CJ.

As I headed out the door, I ran into Spock.

“Hi, Justin. How are you?”

“Okay,” I said. “You?”

“I’m good,” he said. “CJ is staying with me. Thought you should know.”

“That’s nice.”

“He sometimes talks in his sleep.”

“Um, okay?”

“He says your name a lot.”

I looked at the ground, unsure how I was supposed to respond.

“He misses you,” Spock said.

“I have to go,” I choked out and raced outside. The wind blew, sending a swirl of snow into my face. I tucked my nose into my jacket and slowly trudged across the parking lot.

Instead of heading home, I walked to the park and sat by the outdoor ice rink, watching a few kids shoot a puck around. As the sun dropped away, lights lit up the sheet. I sighed and went into the warming house to put on my skates. It had been a long time since I’d skated on an outdoor sheet of ice.

I tucked my iPod in my pocket and put in the ear buds, scrolling through my playlists until I spotted the one CJ had made for me. I pushed play and let the music flood my brain. I wanted to wash away all the misery I’d been feeling since he left.

My mother always told me that whenever I stepped on the ice, I looked peaceful, like I could solve all the world’s problems. I didn’t know how she could have believed that. I couldn’t even solve my own problems.

I stood in the middle of the ice.

“Mom,” I whimpered. “I miss you. I miss him. I don’t know what to do.”

The only sound I heard were the demons laughing at me.

“Fuck you,” I shouted. My voice disappeared into the night sky. The demons laughed louder, so I started to skate, picking up speed until the demons were nothing but a blur of black.

The ice wasn’t perfect, but I felt like I was soaring. The wind lifted me off the ice, giving me the sensation of flying. I skated until I couldn’t feel my feet.

When I unlocked the door, Janae flew out of the kitchen.

“You’re here!” she shouted. “Where have you been?”

“Skating.”

“Skating? Kenny said you left the rink two hours ago.”

“I was outside.”

“Outside? You mean outside, outside?”

“Yes, there are such things as outdoor rinks.”

“You hate the cold.”

“I needed air.”

“I’ve been going crazy trying to find you.”

“Here I am,” I said, dumping my skate bag on the floor before I took off my coat. “What’s the big deal anyway?”

“It’s New Year’s Eve, you idiot.”

“Big fucking deal,” I grumbled. “I need a shower.”

“Dad and Jack are here. I made a late dinner and we’d like you to join us.”

“Can I shower first?”

She sighed but nodded before she padded down the hall to the kitchen. I could hear the clink of silverware against china and low murmurs.

New Year’s Eve was usually one of my favorite holidays. I always liked the idea of new beginnings, wiping the slate clean and dreaming of what was to come. The only problem was, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to anything in the coming year.

Maybe I could take a shower and disappear down the drain.

Voices rose, interspersed with laughter. I stood outside the room listening to them for a few minutes. The demons lined up behind me, waiting for me to enter and fill the room with my misery.

“Justin?” my sister’s voice rose above the deep tone of my dad’s and Jack’s words.

“Yeah,” I answered solemnly and stepped into the warmth of the kitchen. The table was filled with food, beautifully arranged on pretty platters and bowls, reminding me of the care CJ always used when presenting his meals. My mother had been the same way. Even when it was just a family meal, she always made everything special.

Jack stood up and grabbed a glass, filling it and holding it in front of my nose.

“I’m not legal,” I said.

My dad snorted. “I think we’ll make an exception tonight.”

I shrugged, took the glass, and downed it in one swallow. Jack refilled my glass. I sat down and stared at my family. It was the first time since Mom died that we had all been at the same table as a family. We’d tried several times, but it never worked. Someone always bowed out and left an empty chair.

My dad cleared his throat. “The day your mother died….”

I tipped my glass and emptied it again, swallowing the bubbly liquid in one gulp. Jack said nothing, just refilled my glass.

“You don’t know the full story, Justin,” Dad said. “It’s time you heard what happened with all of us.”