Pictures of Lily (10 page)

The dingo enclosure drops away down a steep hill and there’s a pond at the bottom. Two high wire fences separate the animals from the public, but there’s a locked gate which allows the keepers access. Michael leads me inside and the dingoes get up and stretch their legs before lazily approaching us. Michael pats them like they’re pets. They have rusty red-coloured fur and look like small dogs, but they’re actually a sub-species of wolf. They can’t even bark.

Michael’s walkie-talkie crackles and the sound of Ben’s voice sends me into a flurry of nerves. He asks where I am.

‘I’ve got her here with me. Do you need her?’ Michael replies.

‘Dave’s coming in for his weekly check. I thought she’d want to be there when he takes a look at the joey.’

Michael glances at me, and I nod. ‘She’ll be with you in a sec.’

I head back up the hill and out of the enclosure.

‘There you are!’ Ben exclaims when I appear in the hospital room. ‘Where were you?’

‘I thought I’d see if Michael needed any help with the dingoes today.’

‘Oh, right. Had enough of me, have you?’ He sounds reasonably jovial, but do I detect a hint of hurt in his voice?

‘I don’t want to outstay my welcome,’ I murmur.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Knock, knock, can I come in?’

We both jump as Dave, the vet, interrupts from the doorway. Ben immediately reverts to his normal self. ‘Sure, sure, mate, come on in.’

‘How’s she going?’ Dave asks. ‘She looks like she’s put on weight. That’s good. Let’s get the scales out.’

‘Lily?’ Ben points to the cupboard. I take out the scales and place them on the worktop, turning around to see Ben gently lifting Olivia. I can’t help it; my heart melts. He glances up to meet my eyes and I find I can’t look away.

‘That’s right, pop her in there,’ Dave prompts, and our eyes dart away from each other simultaneously. I avoid looking at Ben again for the rest of the meeting.

I take my lunch outside that day, even though it’s 36 degrees and the staffroom is beautifully cool. Wandering down the slope from the café, I sit on the grass under the shade of an enormous eucalyptus. I stare up at the sun through the leaves. The brightness pierces my eyes painfully and I have to look away. Grey, lifeless bark peels off the tree trunk in front of me in strips. It looks as if someone has taken a cheese grater to it and it’s eerily beautiful, almost ghostly. I don’t feel like eating; I haven’t felt like eating for days. My stomach hasn’t stopped churning. I hug my knees to my chest and try to find some comfort in the gesture.

He’s too old for you.

He would never let himself fall in love with you.

Ever.

A pair of red and blue rosellas fly up and land in the branches of the tree. They distract me from the sound of Ben’s footsteps.

‘Are you avoiding me?’ he asks, as I almost leap out of my skin at the sight of him. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.’ He smiles and collapses on the ground beside me. He leans back on the slope, the crispy, brown gum leaves crunching underneath his elbows as he props himself up.

‘Well – are you?’ He glances across at me, a twinkle in the depth of his blue eyes.

‘Am I what?’ I manage to ask; it feels as if the temperature has soared way past forty and is still climbing.

‘Avoiding me,’ he repeats.

‘Why would I be avoiding you?’

‘Now you’re avoiding the question.’

‘That’s the only thing I’m avoiding.’

‘Okay,’ he replies bluntly. ‘Glad we got that sorted.’

We both fall silent and he stares ahead, as do I.

‘Where’s your lunch?’ I ask after a while, because the quietness is killing me.

‘I ate it at eleven o’clock.’ At least someone’s still got their appetite. ‘You should take a photo of that.’ He gestures at the tree bark. ‘It looks like something you’d take a photo of.’

‘Maybe I already have,’ I reply childishly.

‘Have you?’ He raises one eyebrow at me.

‘No.’

‘Do you want me to go and get your camera for you?’

My lips twitch at the corners. ‘Would you? In this heat?’

‘Sure.’ He starts to get to his feet.

‘No, no.’ I instinctively reach for his wrist to pull him back down. ‘I’m joking,’ I add weakly. ‘I’ll take a photo another time.’

‘Okay.’ He leans back on his elbows again. I feel like the electrical charge between us has been turned up a notch, but I don’t edge away. All of my nerve-endings are bolt upright.

‘Why are you angry with me?’ he asks gently.

‘I’m not angry with you.’ But there’s no conviction to my voice.

‘Yes, you are.’ Pause. ‘I can take it,’ he adds.

I sigh loudly. ‘Did Michael ask you to take me for some driving lessons?’

‘No!’ His reply is indignant.

‘Did he ask you to show me around?’

‘No! Is that what this is about?’

I shrug, feeling more and more foolish with every word that comes out of my mouth. ‘I don’t know,’ I mutter.

He sits up and leans his elbows on his knees. ‘Lily, I like you.’
What?
‘You’re a mate.’ Oh. ‘I’m not being nice to you as some favour to a colleague.’

‘Okay,’ I reply lamely.

‘What are you up to tonight?’ He changes the subject.

‘Going out with Josh.’ I like being able to reply to this question for two reasons. One, I’m relieved I have plans for a change, and two, I know this answer will annoy Ben. I take a strange sense of pleasure from that.

‘Oh, right.’

Yep, he’s pissed off. Good.

‘Where are you going?’ he asks.

‘Stirling.’

‘Doesn’t that guy ever go anywhere else?’

Of course he does, and Ben knows it as well as I do. But I don’t want to push it any further.

‘What about you?’ I ask instead.

‘Another night in front of the telly, I imagine.’

‘Don’t party too hard,’ I say meanly, and regret it when he abruptly gets up. ‘You off?’

‘Lunchtime’s over,’ he says coolly, holding down his hand to me. I take it and he pulls me to my feet. I follow him up the slope, my face burning.

‘Have fun with the dingoes. See you tomorrow,’ he says with an air of finality as he breaks away to head towards the kangaroos. And quite bizarrely, I feel like I’m going to cry.

That night I find myself in the middle of some surreal game that Josh is playing with Lou. Her Army bloke ex that Shane mentioned to me a few weeks ago is back in town for Christmas, and Lou seems intent on making Josh jealous. He in turn, I suspect, is using me to get back at her. He’s been trying to teach me to play pool, and even though my mind is stuck on Ben, it’s still kind of nice to feel someone’s arms around me as I’m shown how to hold a pool cue and bounce balls off the cushions into pockets.

By ten o’clock Josh has cornered me in a booth while I try to ignore Lou giving us evils from across the bar. Her attempts to flirt with her ex have backfired because he’s currently chatting up a petite brunette by the toilets.

‘It’s weird how our parents hooked up, isn’t it?’ Josh says, his dark-brown eyes gazing intently into mine.

‘Yeah, I suppose so,’ I reply offhandedly, and I know that my indifference is driving him mad. He’s so used to being the centre of every girl’s attention. ‘Have you shagged Lou yet?’

He looks taken aback at my direct question. ‘No,’ he replies, flustered. ‘Why would I do that?’

‘I thought you were into each other.’

‘What gave you that idea?’

‘Something Shane said on that night out in Adelaide.’

‘What an arsehole,’ Josh scoffs. ‘She’s been around way too much for me.’

‘Oh, really?’ I smirk. ‘I thought
you
were the one who’d been around?’

‘Did Shane tell you that, too?’

‘No, it wasn’t him, actually.’

‘Who, then?’

‘It doesn’t matter. It’s true though, isn’t it?’

‘Girls like guys who are experienced.’

‘Do they, now?’

‘Don’t you?’ he challenges me. ‘Or haven’t you got to third base yet?’

Now he’s the one who’s smirking and it pisses me off.

I put on a fake pout. ‘No. Do you want to deflower me?’ His eyes light up and I let out a sharp laugh. ‘In your dreams, you sad git. Budge over, I need the loo.’

He doesn’t move. He stares at me with defiance and a touch of anger, and I realise that Josh does not like being made a fool out of.

I don’t give a toss.

‘
Move
,’ I hiss, snapping him out of his mood.

I come out of the toilets a few minutes later to see Josh at the bar, ordering whisky shots. I slip outside unnoticed and call a taxi with the mobile phone Mum lent me. I’ll text him on the way home to let him know where I’ve gone.

‘Ho, ho, ho, MERRY CHRISTMAS!’

This is the sound I wake up to on Saturday morning, Michael booming his way down the corridor and banging on every door he passes. I groan and fall out of bed.

My next thought is Josh. Did he make it home okay? There’s no way I’m going into his bedroom to check so I pull on my dressing-gown and hurry down the corridor into the living room to look out of the front window. His car is on the driveway. Phew. I wouldn’t want that on my conscience.

I’ve somehow managed to sleep in until ten, so I only have three and a half hours to get through before I see Ben again. Mum wants to do presents as soon as possible. We have to wait another half an hour though before Josh emerges, hungover and dishevelled. He ignores me and I don’t particularly care.

Michael gives Mum a watch and she gives him a jumper, which he finds amusing considering it’s the middle of summer. I get a bunch of little things like shower gel and body butter from the Body Shop, glitzy earrings that I’ll probably never wear, and the new album from my favourite band, Fence.

Mum likes the candle and perfume I got for her, and Michael is excessively delighted with the socks I ended up buying for him. Josh didn’t get me anything so he looks a little shamefaced when I hand over a gift-wrapped box of salted macadamia nuts.

I spend ages in the bathroom getting ready and take great care over my outfit, eventually deciding to wear my black skirt again, this time with a purple top. I leave my hair down, but go to the trouble of applying lipgloss, plus mascara to lift my light-brown eyes. Then I wait.

Michael cracks open the bubbly at one o’clock. At one-thirty, Mum tells us to take a seat at the table. I look at her in confusion.

‘Aren’t we waiting for Ben?’

‘He’s not coming,’ she says, as though she thought I knew.

I feel as if she’s kicked me in the stomach. ‘Why not?’ I glance from her to Michael in a panic. Michael answers.

‘One of his koalas was taken ill in the night. Ben didn’t want to leave it.’

‘Was it Olivia?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘But . . . but he can’t miss Christmas!’ I cry, utterly and irrationally distraught.

‘He doesn’t care, love.’ Michael waves me away.

‘But Mum’s made a turkey for him!’ Even to me, this sounds like a ludicrous thing to say.

‘Maybe we can save him some.’

‘Can we take it to him later? Today – after lunch?’ I ask hopefully, my voice squeaking more and more with each question.

‘Erm . . .’

‘Please? Will you give me a lift?’ I beg.

‘Oh, Lily, would you stop going on?’ Mum interjects with annoyance, but Michael concedes.

‘No, it’s fine.’

‘I want to check that the koala is alright. It might be Olivia,’ I add, ignoring Mum as she tuts and rolls her eyes. And of course, I
do
want to make sure Olivia is alright. She should have been my primary concern and I’m instantly ashamed at myself that she wasn’t.

Lunch drags by. By the time Michael reaches for the bottle of bubbly to top up his glass for the third time, I can’t stop myself from speaking out.

‘Should you be drinking that if you’re going to drive me to Ben’s?’

Michael immediately looks sheepish and takes a sip of water instead.

‘You know, you
could
catch a taxi,’ Mum points out.

‘I’ll never get one on Christmas day!’ I cry.

‘Why the hell do you want to go over to his place?’ Josh butts in.

‘I want to check on the koala,’ I reply, giving him a pointed stare. ‘You know, the one whose mother you killed.’

‘Lily . . .’ Mum warns.

I turn to Michael. ‘Do you want to take me now? Then you can have a drink. Ben will give me a lift home.’

‘Well, if you’re sure,’ he says.

Mum stands up wearily and smoothes down her blonde hair. ‘I’ll get a plate together.’

Fifteen minutes later I’m in the front seat of the car nursing a plate of hot food covered over with aluminium foil.