Pictures of Lily (26 page)

He nods. ‘And what about your mum? What’s she up to these days?’

‘She’s okay. She lives in Bondi, works as a restaurant manager. Where do you live?’

‘Cremorne, in North Sydney.’

‘I know it.’ In fact, it’s not
that
far from Manly . . .

‘Where do you live now?’ he asks. I tell him. ‘Nice,’ he comments.

‘I like it.’ I pick at my ravioli.

‘Not hungry?’ he asks.

‘Not as much as I thought.’ I glance across the table, but he’s had no problem tucking into his food – as was always the case. I smile to myself.

‘What’s it like, working at the zoo?’ I ask.

‘It’s a zoo,’ he says flippantly.

I lean back in my chair and stare at him. ‘And London Zoo?’

He shrugs. ‘Another zoo.’

‘You prefer conservation parks?’

‘You know I do.’

‘I
know
you do?’

‘“Zoos aren’t real enough” for you, I think is how you described it.’

‘You remember that?’

He seems to remember as many conversations as I do. He doesn’t answer me. We’re still staring across the table at each other. His eyes are even darker blue in this candlelight. My gaze wanders to his lips. Big mistake. I move on to his jaw and then his shoulders, followed by his arms. His T-shirt is tight enough that I can see the definition of his muscles. I blush and look away.

He’s reduced me to a teenager again. I want him. I want him as much as I ever did. I shiver and lean forward, trying to focus on eating something. But my eyes are drawn to his lips and I want him to kiss me so much that it hurts.

Richard
. . .

‘How is everything?’ Marco breaks the spell.

‘Good, thanks.’

‘You are not eating,
signora
?’ He gawps at my almost-full dish in horror.

‘I’m not that hungry,’ I apologise.

‘I get you something else?’

‘No, no, this is lovely, really. I’m just not that hungry.’

‘The steak was perfect, Marco.’ Ben thankfully distracts him.

‘Ah, I so pleased. You like another drink?’

‘Sure.’ Ben holds up his glass. There’s only a little beer swilling around. Marco turns to me.

‘I’m fine, thank you.’ My glass is still half-full.

‘Do you ever see Josh?’ Ben asks.

‘Actually, yes. I had to go back to Adelaide for a funeral a couple of weeks ago. My friend’s dad,’ I explain. ‘And Josh also came over to visit at Easter.’

‘Did he?’ He gives me a look.

‘He’s a good mate,’ I add, to clarify the situation. ‘He’s got a girlfriend, now. Tina.’

‘Oh, right.’

‘He stopped drinking and driving.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. We had a massive barney about it.’ I recall that night in Josh’s car. ‘I never got a chance to tell you.’

‘What about you? Did you pass your driving test in the end?’

‘First time.’

‘Thought you might.’

Neither of us is referring to that night at Mount Lofty. I can’t imagine how we could ever bring it up. It was such a strange, illicit situation – an almost-thirty-year-old falling for a sixteen-year-old girl. It would be like Josh falling for Kay! I put that thought out of my head.

‘I never went back to the conservation park after you left,’ I tell him.

‘I know.’

‘You know?’ I glance up at him, surprised.

‘Dave told me. I was sorry to hear it.’

I say nothing.

‘You were so good with the koalas. It takes a certain sort of person to be able to deal with them. Not everyone has the right temperament.’

Janine had said the same thing. ‘I missed it,’ I admit sadly. ‘I cried and cried when I heard they’d relocated Olivia to another conservation park and I never got to say goodbye.’

He nods sympathetically. ‘It’s tough when that happens.’

‘I know it’s part of the job . . .’

‘. . . but that doesn’t make it any easier.’ He leans back in his chair and regards me. ‘I am sad you gave up on photography. I really thought you had something.’

I shift in my seat. ‘It’s hard to get into that line of work.’

‘That’s not an excuse if you’re still passionate about it. Are you?’

I meet his gaze. ‘Maybe.’ Pause. ‘I actually went to a photography exhibition not that long ago.’

‘Did you?’

‘The guy was an arsehole.’

Ben chuckles.

‘It’s so odd to bump into you now, because I did get my camera back from Mum’s recently. I have started taking pictures again.’

‘Really?’ He sits up with interest. ‘Can I see them sometime?’

I smile. ‘Sure. If they’re not too horrendous. I haven’t got any developed yet.’

‘Are you still using film?’

‘Yes. I know, digital cameras have improved like you said they would, but I’ve only just got back into it all.’

Ben grins and the waitress appears with some menus.

‘Do you want dessert?’ he asks me.

‘No, I couldn’t eat another thing.’

‘Just the bill, thanks,’ he tells the waitress. We fall silent. ‘It’s good to see you again,’ he says after a while.

I look up at him. ‘You, too.’

‘Are you very busy while your family are here?’

‘I can get away. Monday’s your day off, right?’

‘Yeah. You still want to catch up for lunch or something?’

‘That’d be good.’

The bill arrives and Ben reaches into his pocket for his wallet while I take my purse from my handbag.

‘I’ll get this,’ he tells me.

‘We’ll go halves.’

‘Lily, put it away,’ he says firmly.

I hesitate. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Of course.’ He looks offended so I comply.

‘Thanks.’

Marco sees us out. ‘Come again, please!’

‘We will,’ Ben tells him.

We
? A bubble of happiness swells up inside me.

Richard!

‘Ferry back to Manly?’ Ben checks.

‘Yes. Do you go to Old Cremorne?’

‘Cremorne Point.’ That means we have to take separate ferries. ‘We can walk together to the terminal.’

He sets off at a brisk pace and once more I hurry to keep up.

‘Sorry, am I walking too fast?’ He glances at me.

‘No, it’s okay. I’ve got my trainers on for a change.’

‘You still call them trainers.’

‘
Sneakers
, then,’ I smirk. ‘I’m pretty nifty in my heels, too. I don’t usually look like this,’ I add.

He gives me a quick once-over. ‘What do you usually look like?’

‘Skirts, heels, make-up . . .’

‘You
are
wearing make-up,’ he comments.

‘I usually wear more.’ It strikes me that maybe he wishes I looked the same as I did ten years ago. He told me I looked different when we saw each other at the zoo. Is that a good thing?

‘I cut off all my hair,’ I blurt out. Dur!
No shit, Sherlock
.

He smiles at me. ‘I noticed.’

‘Do you like it?’
Shut up, you moron!

‘Yeah.’ He shrugs. ‘I liked it long, too.’

Don’t say anything else, I warn myself. Then: ‘Did you prefer it longer?’
Argh!

He glances at me sideways. ‘You look as lovely as you ever did.’

My heart flips and my face heats up. And with that I’m rendered speechless. We arrive at the terminal and he looks up at the timetable. ‘Quick, there’s one leaving for Manly in three minutes!’

He rushes me to the barriers. Wait! This is all happening too fast.

‘I don’t have to catch this one,’ I cry. I stare at him, panicked, and he freezes for a moment.

‘Want me to come for the ride?’ he asks.

‘Yes!’

We rush to the ticket booth and board the green-and-white ferry seconds before they raise the planks. He follows me to the back of the boat and we stand there in silence, side by side, as Circular Quay and the Opera House grow smaller in the distance. Finally I can breathe again. He’s still here. He’s resting his elbows on the railings and I let go with my hands and do the same. Our arms knock together, but neither of us moves. I can feel the warmth of him radiating through my jumper. We should really go inside like everyone else around us, but my feet are stuck to the spot. Finally it’s just Ben and me standing there in the wind.

‘I want to ask you if you’re cold,’ he says, ‘but it’s at the risk of sounding boring.’

‘I like it out here.’

He gestures at the empty bench behind us. ‘It’ll be more sheltered against the wall.’

‘Okay.’ I take a seat next to him. Instinctively he wraps his arm around me and rests his chin on the top of my head. I put my hand on his chest and snuggle up against him. It feels very comfortable, very natural.

The journey passes by quickly, even though neither of us speaks the rest of way. All too soon the ferry begins to slow. Ben relaxes his grip on me and I pull away and look up at him. Our eyes lock together. He’s so close I could move my face two inches and my lips would be touching his.

A burst of laughter jolts me to my senses. A group of girls and guys in their twenties storm the railings, and shock slams into me as I recognise one of the girls. She’s a friend of Nathan’s. I quickly get to my feet as the ferry churns up a storm in the water. We’re pulling into the terminal and the tipsy revellers start to make their way to the side of the boat. Ben stays seated.

‘I’d better go,’ I say shiftily. ‘Are you going straight back to Circular Quay?’ He nods. ‘Sorry, what a trek.’ He’ll have to catch another ferry back to Cremorne Point.

‘It’s fine,’ he brushes me off.

‘I’ll see you Monday?’

‘Sure,’ he replies. ‘You want to give me a call and we’ll make plans?’

‘Yes, okay.’ I back away from him, meeting his eyes for a final fleeting moment. I’m unable to read his expression. ‘Bye,’ I mutter. And then I turn and hurry off the boat.

What the fuck am I doing?
That was one of Nathan’s friends! Anyone could have seen me! Who else was on this ferry that I know?

The house is quiet when I get home. Quiet and dark. But my head is buzzing. I turn my key in the lock and push open the front door, flicking on the switch to light the hall. I drop my bag on the floor and walk into the living room, turning on lights as I go. I stand there for a moment, not knowing what to do with myself. I should go to bed.

I spin around and walk out of the room, switching off the lights again. In the bedroom I sit on the end of the bed. The wardrobe door is open and my eyes wander to Richard’s clothes hanging there. I turn and look at his bedside table and guilt overcomes me as my gaze falls on the picture sitting there of the two of us.

You’re engaged! You’re engaged to be married! To Richard!
Richard
!

Nothing feels real. I’m detached from reality. I get up mechanically and go into the bathroom. The mirror greets me and I stare at my reflection for a while, not liking what I see. Reaching forward, I open the bathroom cabinet so the mirror swings away from me. I’m left staring at my toiletries on the shelves, and all of Richard’s things – his toothbrush, his razor, his shaving foam. I lift up his aftershave bottle and put the nozzle to my nose, breathing in his scent.

And then reality hits. Sobs engulf me and I sink down onto the bathroom floor as grief pours out of my soul. I love my boyfriend. He’s never done anything to hurt me. He’s always been there for me. He’s never left me.

But Ben – oh, Ben . . . I remember the warmth of his body and his arm around me. His lips so close to mine. My tears come to a standstill and I stare ahead in a daze.

This isn’t fair. I love them both.

Somewhere deep inside me the chasm that cracked and broke open when Ben left splits even further apart. I can’t lose Ben again. But I don’t want to lose Richard, either.

Nathan, Lucy, Sam, Molly, Mikey . . . I would lose them all, too. I would even miss Richard’s sisters, and what would his parents think of me? I can’t bear it.

You don’t have to decide anything right now.

It’s true, I don’t. Ben might not turn out to be the person I think he is. I’ve built him up so much over the years that he’s almost not real to me.

I stand up, full of resolution. I need to see him again – of course I do. I can’t decide now how I want to spend the rest of my life. Ben’s an uncertainty. This whole thing with him might fall flat on its face. Richard’s here. He wants to marry me. He’s not going anywhere. But Ben . . . I need to know him better before I can make any decisions about my future.

I get out a cotton pad from the bathroom cabinet, soak it with make-up remover and proceed to take off my make-up.