Pictures of Lily (28 page)

I love his use of the term ‘we’.

‘That’s a good idea.’

‘So what made you want to start taking pictures again?’

I don’t answer immediately, then I shrug. ‘Not sure.’

I’m not about to tell him it was because my boyfriend proposed and it made Ben seem even more lost to me than he already was. I had to do something to bring him back.

And now he’s here. Literally – and not just metaphorically.

What if I hadn’t gone to the zoo? It’s inconceivable that I could have continued living in this city oblivious of his existence. Where would my life have taken me? At least I’m not already married. If I think being engaged is bad, marriage would have been much, much worse.

‘What are you thinking?’ Ben asks. I’m still staring down at the camera in my hands. I impulsively put the viewfinder to my eye and click off a shot of him.

‘You could have warned me first!’ he jokes irately.

‘What would you have done – nipped below to check your hair?’ I tease. I lean up against the side of the boat and rest the camera on my lap. ‘You know, I never got a photo of you before. It made me sad when you left,’ I tell him honestly. ‘Do you still have the photo of me?’

He nods. ‘Yeah.’

‘Did you take it to England with you?’

He gives me a sardonic look. ‘No.’

‘That would have been a bit shitty of you,’ I agree.

‘I put it in the loft at Nan’s house with some other things,’ he tells me. ‘It’s still there.’

I’m sort of disappointed he hasn’t got it out again. He must be able to read this on my face because he says quietly, ‘I had to try to forget you, Lily.’

‘Even when you came back?’

‘Even when I came back.’

‘Why?’

‘You would have moved on.’

‘What if I hadn’t?’

He doesn’t answer, staring across at me with a grave expression on his features. His jaw is set into a hard line, day-old stubble making him look even sexier than usual. My mind flicks to the bed inside the cabin and the desire to have him make love to me there is suddenly overwhelming.

Richard, Richard,
Richard
! For fuck’s sake, how many times do I have to remind you?

Oh, but maybe if we had sex I’d be able to put him out of my mind once and for all.

That is a crock of shit, and you know it.

Spoilsport.

I pull myself together and say, ‘Did I spy some crisps in that hamper?’

Ben comes back to life, the atmosphere reverting to normal. ‘Yep. What do you want, salt and vinegar, chicken or plain?’

‘Salt and vinegar, please. Who would ever opt for boring old plain, hey?’

‘You’re right. I should have known you’d have no interest in them whatsoever.’

‘Why, because I’m a fussy cow?’

He laughs. ‘No, because you’re anything but boring.’

Stop saying things like that to me. It’s making me think of the bed again.

‘Are you going to catch me a fish, or what?’ I say rather huskily.

‘You can catch one yourself,’ he replies with a smile.

Twenty minutes later, I feel a tug at the end of my line. We’re using handlines, not fishing rods. I’m holding onto the line itself and I can actually feel when a fish takes the bait.

‘Wind it in,’ Ben insists excitedly.

A fish of about a foot long flaps and flutters as I drag it out of the water.

‘You caught a whiting!’ he exclaims, taking the wriggling fish off the line.

‘Your namesake,’ I laugh as he throws it in the Esky. ‘That was easy. What was all this business about a four o’clock start?’

‘Hey?’ He baits up my hook with another wriggling worm.

‘Back in Adelaide, you said I had to get up early. We’re catching fish now, aren’t we? What’s the point in getting up before it’s even light if you can catch fish in the middle of the day?’

‘If we were sitting out here in the midday sun during a hot Australian summer, you’d know.’

‘Fair enough.’

We catch one more whiting, a flathead and two ‘shitties’ as Ben calls the inedible fish, before we set off back to Middle Harbour again. He throws the latter back, but promises to cook me a fry-up sometime. ‘Maybe you could bring your family over to mine for dinner later this week?’ he suggests. ‘These won’t go far, but I can come back out here and get some more before then.’

‘Oh.’ I feel jumpy, can’t think what to say. ‘I doubt that will be possible.’

‘Oh, right. Sure.’ He looks away.

‘They’re going to be very busy, you see. It might be too much to organise.’ I try to convince him, but I’m guessing he thinks I’m embarrassed to introduce an older man to my dad. I feel awful, but there’s nothing I can say to make him think otherwise – except to tell the truth and explain that I have a fiancé. But let’s not go there, eh?

‘I never felt seasick.’ I try to project a tone of joviality into my voice to lighten things up as we pass through the Spit Bridge again.

‘You didn’t. Another thing you’re a natural at.’

I suddenly feel aggravated and self-conscious. ‘I’m not a natural at anything, Ben. I don’t know why you keep saying things like that.’

He glances at me, taken aback by my reaction.

‘I clearly see a different person from the one you see,’ he says after a while.

‘Yes, you clearly do, and I don’t know why.’

‘Hey,’ he says gently.

‘Just stop,’ I snap. ‘Stop saying these things to me.’

His jaw clenches and he falls silent. The mood doesn’t shift even when we’re back in the car and he’s driving me to the bus stop.

‘I’ll take you to Manly,’ he says.

‘No, the bus is fine. Please – I mean it,’ I add firmly.

He nods and pulls over on the side of the road. My stop is up ahead. He doesn’t speak.

‘Thanks for today,’ I say.

‘You’re welcome,’ he replies.

I sigh. ‘Sorry, I—’

‘It’s okay,’ he interrupts. ‘Here’s your bus coming now.’

I hesitate, feeling panicky as the bus whooshes past me.

‘Quick,’ he urges, leaning across me to open up my door. I stumble out onto the pavement. ‘Call me,’ he shouts, and I turn and run for the bus.

My heart is still in my mouth when I’m safely seated. What is wrong with me? Why do I get so anxious about leaving him every time? I’m going to see him again, aren’t I?
Aren’t I?

I sit on the bus and stare out of the window. My phone beeps and I see that I’ve missed a call from Richard and now he’s texted me. He’s home and is wondering where I am. I feel sick. I don’t want to see him. I want to run away.

But I stay on the bus. I walk all the way down the hill to our house. It’s five o’clock and I should have been back hours ago. My mind has been ticking over fifteen to the dozen and I’ve decided to tell Richard about Ben. No, not everything. I’m not that . . .
decent
. But I’ll tell him that I bumped into an old friend and hopefully I’m a good enough actress that he won’t suspect there’s any more to it.

‘Hello?’ I call as I walk into the hall, shutting the door behind me. If I wasn’t seasick before, I certainly feel it now.

‘Hey!’

I follow his voice into the living room. He’s lying on the sofa.

‘Have you been asleep?’ I ask edgily.

‘Yeah.’ He yawns. ‘Crashed out.’

‘Busy weekend?’

‘Full on.’ He opens up his arms to me. I hesitate a moment before walking towards him. He shuffles up against the back of the sofa so there’s enough room for me to squeeze along beside him. I lie down, feeling horribly deceitful as his arms encircle me. I rest my head on his chest. He feels different. Unfamiliar. He’s leaner than Ben. Not yet a
man
, man. I think he’s similar to how Ben was ten years ago, and I imagine Richard will become even broader in a few years, too. I wonder if I’ll be around to see it.

‘Mmm.’ He presses his lips to my forehead and squeezes me. ‘I missed you,’ he murmurs.

I pull away from him. ‘Everyone else have a good time?’

‘Yeah, great.’

‘Did Lucy do much surfing?’

‘She did some. The waves were too big most of the time though.’ He continues. ‘She and Nathan are going back to England.’

‘No way! When?’

‘In a couple of months.’

‘What about the business?’

‘I’m going to carry on with it here – he’s going to do a renovation down in Somerset where Lucy’s family are from.’

‘How long will they be away?’

‘It’s looking like six months.’

‘Blimey. That’s a bit sad.’

‘You’re telling me. But you know what they’re like, they have to split their time between two countries, two families. That’s the way it is with them.’ He sniffs my coat. ‘Where have you been today?’

‘Well,’ I force a smile which I hope looks relaxed, ‘I didn’t get a chance to tell you on the phone, but I bumped into an old pal on the weekend who used to work at the conservation park.’ My heart is pounding.

‘Really?’ he asks with interest.

‘Yeah. Anyway, we caught up today.’

‘That’s bizarre because I heard from an old friend, too, yesterday.’

Is that it? Am I off the hook? ‘Who?’

‘Do you recall me telling you about a girl called Ally who I met in England?’

‘Of course I do.’ My heart plummets. ‘She was your girlfriend, wasn’t she?’

‘She was,’ he admits. ‘Only for a couple of months. We broke it off when I came back here. We hadn’t been together long enough to put our lives on hold for two years.’

I only knew Ben for a few weeks and I’ve put my life on hold for a decade . . .

‘I remember,’ I say. ‘She was staying on in the UK, but you only had a three-month work visa.’

‘That’s right. Don’t worry about it,’ he says quickly, touching my arm.

‘Is she back?’ I ask.

‘Yeah.’

‘Why is she calling you?’

‘Lily, it’s okay,’ he insists, sincerity radiating from his warm brown eyes. ‘She was only calling to say hi. I told her about you. About how we’re engaged. She was really happy for me.’

‘Oh.’ My voice softens. ‘Are you planning to see her?’

‘Nah,’ he says. ‘I realise that would be a bit weird.’

How bad do I feel now? ‘You can if you like,’ I say begrudgingly.

‘No!’ He laughs and wraps his arms back around me. ‘There’s no point.’

I sigh and settle into his chest, guiltily.

‘How are your family?’ he asks.

‘Good. I saw them this morning. Dad mentioned about coming here for dinner tonight, but I thought you might be too knackered.’

He yawns. ‘I am a bit, but we can have dinner with them. I guess I’d better get showered.’

‘Me too.’

‘So where have you been today?’ he asks as he gets up.

Dammit! ‘Er, I went fishing, would you believe?’ I turn away quickly and lead the way to the bedroom.

‘Fishing!’ he echoes. ‘Is this friend male or female?’

‘Um, male.’ I try to sound casual.

‘Right.’ There’s uncertainty to his tone.

‘He’s an old friend of Michael’s. He’s, like, forty or something. He used to look out for me when I worked at the park.’

‘Sounds a bit dodgy if you ask me.’

‘Richard!’ I turn around and slap him, relieved to see he’s joking. ‘He was a good mate.’

‘As long as he wasn’t a cradle-snatcher.’

I laugh, long and hard. A bit too long and hard because he’s looking at me in a funny way. ‘Don’t be a dick. Get in the shower.’

He grins and walks out of the bedroom to the bathroom.

Shit! I sit on the edge of the bed. That was horrible. Horrible! I cover my eyes in consternation, then immediately sit up straight again in case Richard returns. The shower turns on in the bathroom so I relax. But it’s only a momentary respite. I know I’m going to feel on edge for some time to come.

‘What did you get up to today?’ Dad asks me when the seven of us are seated at a huge wooden oblong table in Manly’s fancy new fish restaurant.

‘I went fishing actually, with an old friend.’

‘Did you catch anything?’

‘I did indeed.’

‘Did you?’ Richard interrupts with surprise.

‘Yep. I caught a whiting.’

‘Where is it?’

‘Oh, I left it with Ben.’ His name is out of my mouth before I can think of how else to say that sentence.

‘Bummer.’ Richard laughs.

‘He was going to fillet it.’

‘I know how to fillet fish,’ Richard says casually.

‘Do you?’

‘Yeah. I used to go fishing with my uncle all the time.’

‘I didn’t know that.’

‘There are a lot of things you don’t know about me,’ he says jokingly, then puts on a comedy voice. ‘At least we’ve got our whole lives together to find out.’