Pictures of Lily (12 page)

I’m still full of resolve when Josh tells me he’s popping into Hahndorf that night for a couple of drinks. Michael and Mum are nursing hangovers and can’t quite believe we’d consider going out again, but it’s Saturday night and quite frankly, I think I need to spend at least a few hours of 1 January 2000 with people my own age.

‘Who else is going?’ I ask when he mentions it.

‘The usual gang,’ he replies. ‘Are you wondering about anyone in particular?’

‘No, not really.’

‘Good.’

My curiosity gets the better of me. ‘Why?’

‘Just checking,’ he says.

‘What are you checking about?’ I’m a little irritated now.

‘I’m making sure you’re not wanting anyone in particular to go tonight.’

‘Anyone in particular like whom?’ I demand to know.

‘Are you getting changed or what?’ He gives me a pointed stare.

I glance down at my shirt with its tomato ketchup stain on the front. ‘Er, yes.’

‘Wear something nice for me,’ he says with a look that would make most girls go weak at the knees. But it has no effect on me; I just ignore it and head down the corridor to my bedroom. I’m absentmindedly unbuttoning my shirt and removing a skirt from the cupboard when out of the corner of my eye I see Josh standing in the doorway.

‘Josh!’ I pull my shirt closed over my bra.

‘What? It’s not like I haven’t seen girls naked before,’ he says flippantly.

‘But you haven’t seen ME naked before! GET OUT!’ I storm over and slam the door in his face.

Despite that little episode, I
do
make an effort to get dressed up that night, putting on make-up and high heels so I look older than my years. I’m steeling myself for a night out socialising. I don’t really feel like it, but I need to get my head into making new friends and moving on.

We arrive in Hahndorf to find Shane, Brian and Alex sitting at a wooden bench table out the front.

‘Hey guys!’ I say brightly.

‘Happy New Year,’ Shane responds, patting the bench space next to him.

‘Lily,’ Josh snaps, grabbing hold of my arm. ‘Are you going to go to the bar?’

‘
You
go to the bar, mate!’ Brian exclaims. ‘Don’t be a cheapskate.’

Josh grudgingly lets go of my arm and I slide in next to Shane, bemused.

‘What’s everyone having?’ Josh asks.

Beer, beer, beer, cider.

He sets off to the bar with a foul look on his face. He doesn’t think I fancy Shane, does he? So what if I do? Obviously I don’t, but what’s Josh’s problem?

‘Did you all have a good time last night?’ I ask the three guys sitting around the table.

‘Yeah, it was cool,’ Alex replies.

‘How many girls did you snog?’

Brian sniggers, but it is Alex who replies. ‘Brian got his tongue down three.’

‘I beat Josh for a change,’ Brian comments.

‘What was it, a competition?’ I ask sarcastically.

‘Yeah, it was actually,’ Shane replies. ‘They each bet a tenner.’

‘Weren’t you in on it?’ I ask him.

‘Nah,’ he replies, giving me a meaningful look. ‘I’m not into that sort of thing.’

Oh, shit. Don’t fancy me. I’m not interested, I’m really not
. Why do blokes have to complicate things?

Josh returns with our drinks and takes a seat next to me. He seems to have perked up from his earlier mood.

‘I’m hearing about your snogging competition,’ I tell him, raising my eyebrows.

He smirks. ‘Brian won. I wasn’t trying hard enough.’

‘What did you get up to last night?’ Shane asks me.

I fill them in and they can’t quite believe it when I say I enjoyed myself.

‘Don’t worry, you can make up for it now,’ Alex says, flashing a look at Shane.

Bollocks. How can I get out of this one?

Half an hour later of feeling Shane’s thigh and arm pressing into me, I decide to extricate myself and take a trip to the ladies.

The pub is heaving, full of people in high spirits, delighted that the world didn’t implode from the ludicrously over-hyped Millennium Bug. I almost feel a spring in my step as I weave through the crowds to the toilets at the back. It’s impossible not to soak up the positive energy of those around me. Above the racket I hear my name being shouted and I glance over my shoulder towards the bar.

Who is that? It’s Dave the vet! I beam and wave – and then his companion spins around to see me and I realise that it’s Ben. My head goes fuzzy, my heart jumps, I almost trip over my own feet and then I’m turning in their direction, trying to keep the smile on my face and the confidence in my walk.

‘Hello,’ I beam.

‘Hi!’ Ben exclaims.

‘I thought it was you,’ Dave says.

‘You thought right.’ I keep my voice upbeat. ‘What are you guys doing here?’

‘Having a few drinks. Trying to make up for last night.’ Dave grins.

‘What happened last night?’ I ask.

‘Not a lot. This one spent it up at Mount Lofty all by himself.’ He indicates Ben. ‘And I spent it with the wifey in front of the telly.’

‘What a couple of losers,’ I joke.

‘We know,’ Dave replies. ‘What about you?’

‘I’m here with some friends,’ I say.

‘Josh?’ Ben asks.

‘Yep.’

‘Josh,’ he says tellingly to Dave.

‘Yep, Josh,’ I confirm. ‘And some others.’

‘Sit down.’ Dave reaches for a recently-vacated stool. ‘Have a drink with us.’

‘I was on my way to the loo,’ I reveal.

‘We’ll keep your seat warm for you until you get back.’ He puts his hand on the stool.

‘Okay.’ I cast a hesitant look at Ben. His deep-blue eyes flicker towards mine and away again, but he doesn’t say anything. ‘Back in a tick.’ I walk off, thoughts ricocheting around my head. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Ben
. . .

Oh, I fancy him.

No, you do not!
I practically shout at myself.
Enough! Move on!
I sternly keep repeating this as I go to the toilet, but I reapply my lipgloss before returning to the bar. I’m only human, right?

‘Here you go, nice and warm,’ Dave says, removing his large hand from the top of the padded stool.

‘Thanks.’ I sit down.

‘Can I get you a drink?’ he asks.

I check Ben’s expression, wondering if he’s going to make some wisecrack about underage drinking, but he’s staring into his glass of – what is it?

‘Thanks,’ I tell Dave. ‘I’m on the cider.’

He turns to get the barman’s attention.

‘What are you drinking?’ I ask Ben.

‘Whisky,’ he replies, swirling the ice around in his glass.

‘Straight?’ I check.

‘Yeah.’ His eyes meet mine and he grins cheekily.

‘Ooh, hardcore,’ I tease, as a flutter goes through me.

‘How was last night?’ he asks, staring at me directly.

‘It was strangely good fun. Much better than I thought it would be.’

‘Why?’

‘They were all oldies.’

He laughs and shakes his head.

‘I went to the lily pond this morning,’ I tell him. ‘Well, afternoon.’

‘Did you?’

‘Yeah.’

Pause.

‘Here you go,’ Dave says, handing me my drink. ‘Cheers.’ He chinks my glass with his and Ben follows suit. ‘Happy New Year,’ Dave booms loudly, and it occurs to me he’s been here drinking for quite some time.

‘I didn’t know you were married,’ I say to him.

‘Yep. Five years and counting.’

‘Blimey. Five years. How old were you when you got married, then?’ I flash a look at Ben.

‘What was I?’ Dave asks his mate. ‘Twenty-three?’

‘Something like that.’ Ben looks amused. ‘Lily thinks we
country folk
get married and have, what do you call them – sprogs? – before our twenty-first birthdays.’

Dave chortles and I giggle because I’ve been caught out.

‘We haven’t moved on to the sprogs stage yet,’ he tells me.

‘Give it time,’ I say ominously.

‘What about you, Lily? Have you got a boyfriend?’

‘Nope!’ I reply. ‘Young, free and single, that’s me.’

‘Good. That’s the way it should be,’ Dave decides happily. ‘Right – I’m off to the gents. Don’t let anyone nick my seat,’ he commands us.

An atmosphere settles over Ben and me the moment he leaves.

‘Josh and the lads will be wondering where I am,’ I comment.

‘Don’t get in the car with him tonight.’ Ben’s tone is insistent.

‘Why?’ I ask boldly. ‘Are you offering to give me a lift home instead?’

‘I’m catching a taxi.’

‘Of course you are.’ I don’t know where my bitterness is coming from. ‘Don’t worry,
Dad
,’ I add cruelly. ‘I’ll catch a taxi too if I have to.’

Just then, the barman materialises in front of us. ‘Same again,’ Ben says. ‘You alright with that?’ He nods to my half-full drink.

‘I’m fine,’ I reply sarkily. ‘Wouldn’t want to get you into trouble with Michael.’

‘Don’t be like that,’ he says quietly, and I drag my reluctant eyes to meet his. The second they do, a shock zips through me. I know I should look away, but I can’t. He’s locked my gaze so intensely that we are like two magnets, drawn to each other.

I love you. You know it. And you feel something for me, too.

I’m overcome with a powerful urge to kiss him. He’s still staring into my eyes and it feels as if whole minutes have passed, not mere seconds.

‘What have I missed?’

Our eyes dart away from each other as Dave re-emerges.

‘Where’s my stool?’ he asks accusingly. ‘Did you let someone take my seat?’

‘Aah, sorry, mate,’ Ben apologises.

‘Here, you can have mine.’ I leap off my stool and push it towards him.

‘You going already?’ Dave asks, disappointed.

‘I’d better get back to the others,’ I murmur.

‘Leave us oldies to it,’ he says humorously. I glance at Ben and feel that force pulling me in again.

Then Dave clumps me on the back, knocking me out of myself. ‘Happy New Year, Lily!’ he shouts drunkenly. ‘Good to see you again!’

‘You too,’ I reply, my smile wavering. ‘Bye.’ I glance at Ben and hurriedly drop my eyes to the ground. My feet take a step towards the door, but suddenly his fingers are touching mine.

‘Don’t let him drive you home,’ he repeats with urgency.

I shake my head and reply quite seriously, ‘I won’t.’

And then I’m gone, my fingers tingling, my face burning, and every nerve-ending in my body standing on its end.

It’s not just me; his eyes told me that last night. There is no moving on from this. I need to do something because I know he won’t.

I have to get through a torturous Sunday on my own before I can go into work again, and on Monday the disappointment is crippling beyond belief as I realise it’s his day off. There are no guarantees that he’ll be in on Tuesday, and when there’s no sign of him in the staffroom I head to the hospital room with a heavy heart. Olivia only spent her first week at home with Ben. Now she’s been relocated here, but he’s still her primary carer. I push open the door and come face to face with him.

‘Hey,’ he says, avoiding my eyes. ‘Just getting her settled.’

‘How is she?’ I ask, shifting from foot to foot awkwardly.

He glances at the koala amongst the blankets. ‘She’s good.’

‘Is she still crying at night, do you think?’

He shakes his head. ‘I doubt it. Not much, anyway.’ He turns back to me and nods towards the door I’m blocking. ‘I’d better get on.’

I step to one side and he starts to walk past. ‘Don’t you want any help today?’ I blurt after him.

He hesitates and turns around, registering the panic on my face.

‘Of course.’ He tries to sound enthusiastic. ‘Let’s do the koala check.’

I follow him out of the door feeling very unsure of myself, chasing after him like a small child as he walks two paces in front of me.

‘I caught a taxi home on Saturday,’ I call when I can bear the silence no longer.

‘That’s good,’ he replies over his shoulder in a non-committal voice.

‘What time did you stay until?’ I prompt.

‘Not long. I thought I’d better get home and phone Charlotte.’

There. He’s said it. He’s said her name. He’s pushing me out and bringing her in. And I feel like he’s knifed me through the heart.

Just then, Ben comes to an abrupt halt and puts his hand out to hold me back, saying, ‘Watch out – here’s a bilby.’ A small animal hops out from the undergrowth. It looks a little like a mini-kangaroo crossed with a rat, with big ears and a long snout. I’m still in shock from the mention of The Name as we stand and watch the fluffy grey creature sniff at the paving stones.

A memory comes back to me of the night I turned up at his house with Olivia. He’d been on the phone. It must have been to
her
.

‘When do you leave?’ I ask solemnly, focusing my gaze on the bilby and trying not to think about the warmth of his body heat right beside me.

‘Week after next.’ I can barely hear him.

‘Where will you work?’

He clears his throat and turns up the volume. ‘London Zoo.’

‘I can’t imagine you working in a zoo.’

‘Why not?’

‘It doesn’t seem, I don’t know –
real
enough for you.’

‘I worked at Sydney Zoo before coming here. It’ll be a nice change.’

The bilby hops off into the undergrowth again, and Ben continues to walk along the winding asphalt footpath.

I take a deep breath and hurry after him. ‘How did you meet her?’

He shrugs. ‘She was travelling in Australia. She worked in the café here for a while.’

‘How long is a while?’

‘About three months.’

And she got his attention, just like that.
I bet she’s beautiful.

‘Is your mum going over for the wedding?’ I will the pain to dull.

He snorts and glances at me. ‘What do
you
think?’

‘Silly question. Dave?’

‘Dave’s coming,’ he confirms with a curt nod. ‘And Katherine, his wife.’

‘When are you getting married?’

‘March.’

‘March? That’s so soon!’ I exclaim, feeling a little breathless now.

He looks at me sharply. ‘Why do you think it’s too soon?’

‘You will have only just got there.’ I’m reeling. I didn’t think it was so . . . I don’t know, definite. ‘What if you don’t like England? Don’t you want to give yourself time to settle in?’

His footsteps seem to slow a little. ‘I thought it would be fine.’

Thought? Strange wording. ‘I didn’t feel like I was rushing it when we decided,’ he clarifies.

‘And you feel like you’re rushing it now?’

‘That’s not what I said.’
But it’s what you meant
. His pace quickens once more. ‘Anyway, it’s all sorted now. Dave and Katherine have got their tickets booked.’

‘Dave and Katherine can change their flights,’ I say seriously.

‘It’ll be fine,’ he insists, nodding towards the koala lofts we’re approaching. ‘I’ll go and get started. Can you fetch the pad from the office?’

And that’s the end of the discussion.

That night, Josh and I decide to go out for a bite to eat in Hahndorf. He’d come home and demanded to know what there was for dinner because Michael and my mum had gone out, and I’d grunted at him: ‘I don’t know, I’m not your mother.’ Needless to say, I felt shit enough to want to make up for it.

It’s a cooler evening than usual for this time of the year so we decide to sit inside at the Hahndorf Inn. Josh taps his tanned fingers on the table impatiently as I peruse the lengthy menu at leisure. Finally he slaps some money down in front of me.

‘I’m going to the loo. Get me the chicken schnitzel, would you?’

We’re sitting in the bar area because it has more atmosphere than the restaurant, but it has no waitress service, so once decided, I head up to place our order. Josh didn’t specify a drink, so I opt for two lemon squashes because I refuse to deal with the drinking and driving issue tonight.

I’ve handed over the money to the landlord and I’m in the process of slipping the change back into my purse when something makes me look to my left, to the other side of the wraparound bar. Ben is sitting there, staring into his drink. I’m rooted to the spot and in that moment he looks up and his expression must mirror mine before his face breaks into a wavering smile. I walk around the bar to where he’s sitting.

‘Hello,’ I say, hoping my voice doesn’t shake.

‘Hello.’

‘What are you doing here?’

He lifts up his drink by way of explanation.

‘Is Dave here?’ I look around, but can’t see him.

‘No. Just me.’

‘In a bar? On your own!’ I exclaim. ‘Ben, I didn’t think you were the solo drinking type. You
are
drinking, aren’t you?’ I peer into his glass. It looks like whisky again.

He takes a swig, but doesn’t reply to my question. Instead, he asks, ‘Are Michael and Cindy here?’

‘No, just Josh.’

‘You’re out alone with Josh?’ He frowns at me.

‘We’re on the lemon squashes, don’t worry.’

‘That’s not what I was worried about.’

‘What were you worried about?’ I give him a cheeky grin, but he doesn’t smile back. I suddenly feel full of a strange confidence. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me feel so up and down. ‘Come on, Norman No Mates, come and join us.’

‘I don’t want to interrupt anything.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I scoff, tugging him off his chair. ‘Come on.’

Ben allows himself to be dragged reluctantly because he doesn’t have much choice. I budge up the bench seat so there’s room for Ben beside me, but he slides in opposite me instead. Josh returns to the table and I beam up at him.

‘I brought Ben over to say hi.’

‘Alright?’ Josh offers a lame smile and sits down next to me.

‘Hi.’

‘Are you eating?’ I ask Ben.

‘No.’

‘Go on, get something.’ I pass over a menu.

‘I’m not hungry,’ he says.

‘What?’ I cry. ‘Not hungry? That doesn’t sound like you. What’s going on?’

Ben shakes his head in slight bemusement and takes a sip of his drink.

‘What’s this?’ Josh regards his lemon squash with disdain.

‘Lemon squash. You’re not drinking and driving me home,’ I state with determination.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake.’

And for the first time today, Ben gives me a genuine smile. I raise my eyebrows at him across the table. He looks down and then at Josh.

‘How’s work going?’ he asks.

‘Alright,’ Josh replies. ‘How’s yours?’

‘Fine.’

‘Aren’t you supposed to be moving to Pommieland soon?’

‘Yeah, in about two weeks.’

‘Nuts, mate, nuts. Who’d want to live in that grey old place?’ Josh nudges me, trying to wind me up. On the contrary. ‘When are you getting married to Kate Winslet?’

‘Charlotte.’

‘That’s the one.’

She looks like Kate Winslet?

‘March.’

‘Good luck with that.’ Josh turns to me with a beguiling smile on his face and I try to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach. So she
is
beautiful. ‘Lils, you’re not really going to make me drink this muck, are you?’

‘Yes.’
Maybe she
sounds
like Kate Winslet
.

‘Can’t I have one beer?’

‘No.’
Or it could just be that they’re both English?

He puts his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. ‘Please?’ His brown eyes look so appealing and expectant that for a moment I waver.

‘No,’ Ben interrupts angrily.

‘Ben.’ My brow furrows. As if I can’t handle this.

‘What’s it to you, mate?’ Josh removes his hand and glares across the table at Ben.

‘Put your own life in danger, by all means. But don’t put Lily at risk.’ His dark-blue eyes glint with an unexpected menace and for a moment I forget that he’s getting married to the star from
Titanic
.

Josh snorts and backs down. ‘Whatever.’

‘Here comes our food.’ I breathe a sigh of relief.

Ben abruptly gets up. ‘I’ll leave you both to it.’

I’d ask him to stay, but I can see that he won’t. ‘See you,’ I call after him instead.

‘What a wanker,’ Josh mutters to his departing back.

‘Don’t be an arse,’ I snap, getting up and going to sit opposite Josh because it feels too close for comfort beside him. The place where Ben was sitting is warm. I immediately realise my mistake. Now I’ve got my back to Ben at the bar and I can’t see him! I frown with annoyance at Josh, but then realise he’s still fuming about Ben’s comment so I change the subject.

‘What are the others doing tonight? And no,’ I add wearily, ‘I don’t want to get into Shane’s pants.’

‘He wants to get into yours.’

‘Does he?’ I can’t keep the boredom from my voice.

‘Yep, but he doesn’t want to take away your virginity.’

I let out a burst of laughter. ‘What? You’ve got to be kidding me.’

‘I’m not,’ he replies seriously.

‘Well, I’m not a virgin, so—’

‘
Aren’t you?
’ Josh interrupts, astounded.

‘No. But there’s no way in hell I’d sleep with him anyway.’

‘When did you lose your virginity?’ He’s still focusing on that statement.

‘None of your business. Eat up.’

I myself do as I’ve advised and tuck into my pasta, but it’s hard to ignore the look on Josh’s face as he considers me. I don’t know what’s going through his head and I’m not sure I want to know. I’m still kicking myself that I have my back to Ben. After a while I sneak a peek to the place where he was sitting earlier. I can’t see him so I twist around further to search the entire bar area. Where is he? Did he go without saying goodbye? Maybe he’s gone to the toilet.

‘He left five minutes ago.’ Josh interrupts my thoughts.

I spin around. ‘What?’

‘Ben. He just left.’ He takes a gulp of his lemon squash, pulls a face and gets to his feet. ‘Now I can get a proper drink without some know-it-all interfering.’

‘Josh, don’t,’ I cry in dismay, but he’s already at the bar. ‘
Don’t
!’ I hiss at him. By the time he returns, I am simmering.

‘It’s only one beer, for fuck’s sake,’ he says.

‘I can’t believe you’ve just gone and done that.’

‘Chill the hell out! What’s the big deal?’

‘The big deal?’ I practically screech. ‘The big deal?’ The diners at the next table turn to look at me. ‘Bollocks to this!’ I clatter my knife and fork on my plate and slide out from my bench seat, wishing there was a chair here instead because it’s hard to look angry and bum-shuffle at the same time.

‘Where are you going?’ Josh asks in surprise.

‘Home, you fuckwit, even if I have to walk.’ I storm out of the restaurant and furiously dig out Mum’s mobile phone from my bag. I’m sure I’ve got a taxi number in here somewhere. I wonder if Ben has gone far? No. I can’t keep depending on him to rescue me, however much I’d like to.

‘Lily, don’t be ridiculous.’ I turn to see Josh standing on the pavement.

‘Piss off!’