Pieces of My Heart (7 page)

‘Fat chance,’ I mumbled.

‘Ava!’ Sally whispered. ‘Be nice, he’s trying.’

‘Dad, you missed David. He’s gone home with Tracy,’ Sarah said. ‘I’d watch her, Ali, she definitely fancies him.’

‘He has the best-looking and smartest girl in the school,’ Paul said, ‘why would he go for second-best?’

‘Oh,
puuuurlease,
Dad, that’s
so
corny.’ Sarah made vomiting noises.

‘It’s true, though.’ Paul winked at Ali.

‘Sarah has a point,’ Sally said. ‘I’d keep an eye on that Tracy. I didn’t like her.’

Ali frowned.

‘Hey, don’t worry,’ I said. ‘David came here to support you.’

‘And he sat through some really boring speeches, so he must be mad about you,’ Sarah added. ‘Seriously, Ali, I can’t believe you choose to do this as a hobby. If it wasn’t for Charlie’s DNA, I’d think I was adopted. Now, can we please get out of here? My head hurts from all that talk about minorities.’

‘Did you learn anything?’ Paul asked.

‘Yeah, just treat them the same! I do that anyway. I’m nice to everyone, even Doreen Nifel, and she’s got really bad BO.’

‘Our very own Mother Teresa,’ Sally said, as we all laughed.

8

A few days later I arrived home from work to find Sarah pacing the hall.

‘Thank God you’re home.’

‘What’s wrong, pet?’

‘It’s Ali.’

‘Oh, my God, what happened?’

‘The stupid prick David dumped her for Tracy.’

‘Don’t say “prick”.’

‘Mum!’

‘It’s crass.’

‘Can you focus on the situation, please?’

‘So the little shit broke up with Ali to go out with that toothpick?’

‘She looks like a model.’

‘Ali’s beautiful.’

‘I know, she’s really pretty, but Tracy’s really confident and cool.’

‘Oh, God, poor Ali. How is she?’

‘Well, she’s a mess, obviously. It’s bad enough getting dumped, but for someone else in your class is the worst ever.’

‘I’ll go up to her.’

‘Wait for a bit. She’s on the phone to Donna now.’

‘How dare he? I could kill him.’

‘I know, but she needs to, like, get a grip. She was bawling crying in school today – everyone saw her. I told her she needed to pretend she didn’t care.’

‘Give her a break – it’s just happened and she really liked him.’

‘I’m aware of that, but you can’t go around freaking out in school. Everyone was talking about it – how poor Ali was so in love with David and he was never really that into her and how mad he is about Tracy. It’s embarrassing for Ali. She needs to go in tomorrow and act like she couldn’t give a toss about him.’

‘You’re right. She should go in looking stunning and completely ignore him.’

‘Exactly, and she should flirt with other guys and then the vultures like Jane Collins – who’s just a fat jealous cow – will stop gossiping.’

‘What did Jane do?’

‘She was like the
News of the
bloody
World
– she told everyone as soon as it happened. She fancies David, too.’

‘Is there anyone who doesn’t?’

‘Me! I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Besides, I’ve got a new boyfriend.’

‘Who and since when?’

She beamed. ‘Bobby! He asked me to go out with him this morning.’

‘Oh.’

‘
Oh?
Mum, it’s the most amazing news ever. He said I’m the coolest chick in transition year, which coming from a jock is, like, major!’

‘Well, I’m delighted to hear it. Is he a nice boy? Is he bright?’

She shrieked. ‘He’s the youngest guy ever to play winger on the senior rugby team. He is God.’

‘Yes, but is he clever?’

‘I dunno. He’s not super-bright like Ali, but he’s not thick. He’s normal, like me.’

‘OK. Well, just make sure you don’t get too distracted with your boyfriend and neglect your studies. And be nice to your sister. The poor thing’s had a very tough time.’

‘I am being nice to her. I’ve given her my ten-step programme to get David to fancy her again. It’s foolproof. It’s never let me down.’

‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think she should forget about him and move on to someone the whole school doesn’t want to go out with.’

‘The whole point is that she gets him to fancy her again and then she can dump and humiliate him. So, do you want to hear my ten steps?’

‘Go on then.’ I sat back, prepared to be entertained.

Sarah reeled them off. ‘Step One: Always look your best, but don’t look like you’re trying too hard. Step Two: Whenever the guy you fancy is around, look like you’re having the best time ever. Start laughing and smiling. Step Three: Flirt with everyone else when he’s around, but not with him. Step Four: If it’s Valentine’s Day, send yourself cards to the school. Step Five: When you know you’re looking really hot, roll your skirt right up and bump into him on purpose and drop your books. He’ll help you pick them up and you can flirt just a little bit. Step Six: Find out what he’s interested in and read up on it – I’m now an expert on rugby. I know all the names of the wingers on the other schools’ teams. Step Seven: If he’s really thick, you’ll have to pretend you’re not intelligent. If he’s really clever, you’ll have to study harder or maybe decide to fancy someone else. Step Eight: If he has brothers or sisters in the school, make sure you become friendly with them. Step Nine: If he’s playing a match – rugby, hockey, tennis, whatever – turn up and pretend you’re supporting someone else on the team. Obviously make sure you look amazing. Finally, Step Ten: Move in for the kill. Look all sad and pretend your dog just got run over. It has to be a dog because guys don’t care about cats. Don’t actually cry, because your mascara will run, but just be all down and “I loved Scooby so much”, blah, blah, blah. He should put his arm around you and then you can tilt your head and –
voilà
– snog.’ She took a bow.

I couldn’t help but laugh. ‘You’re something else, Sarah Mullen. If you put as much effort into your school work as you did into your ten-step plan, you’d be a straight-A student.’

‘All work and no play …’

‘And all play and no work …’ I replied. ‘Now, go upstairs and finish your homework.’

She left the room, dragging her feet as she went. I went up to see Ali with a bowl of her favourite ice cream – Häagen Dazs strawberry cheesecake. I opened the door to her room and she looked up from her book. Her eyes were puffy from crying.

‘Oh, Ali,’ I kissed her, ‘I’m so sorry. What a crappy thing to happen. Are you OK?’

She covered her face with her hands and sobbed. I wrapped my arms around her and tried not to cry. I wanted to call over to David’s house and smash his face in.

‘I just – uh-uh-uh – I just don’t understand, Mum,’ she sobbed. ‘We were getting on really well and then in the last few days he started being all weird and kept saying he was too busy to hang out with me and then today he said he didn’t think it was working out and he wanted to break up and then I saw him snogging Tracy.’

‘Bastard! He’s clearly an idiot if he can’t see what an amazing girlfriend you were. He doesn’t deserve you.’

‘I’m not amazing, I’m crap. And I have to go to school and face everyone tomorrow and I can’t bear it. Everyone will be talking about how I got dumped for Tracy. It’s so humiliating.’

‘No, they won’t. People are far too wrapped up in themselves to care about anyone else. It’ll blow over.’

‘How am I going to cope? I have to see David and Tracy every day. It’s going to be torture.’

‘Oh, Ali, I know it seems like the end of the world now, but you’ll get over this and find a new boyfriend who appreciates you.’

‘But I love David!’ She began to wail again.

I tried to think of something reassuring to say. What words would make a seventeen-year-old girl whose heart was broken feel better? I had no idea.

When I first got my heart broken my mother was dead. Charlie found me sobbing into my pillow and when I told him what had happened he threw his hands up in the air and said he didn’t know what to say, he had no idea how to make me feel better, that this was a job for Mum and he wished she was here, and we both cried.

I racked my brains, but all I came up with was, ‘He’s a loser and you’re better off without him.’

‘He’s not a loser. I’d give anything to go out with him again. Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe he’ll get bored with Tracy soon.’

‘Ali,’ I said as gently as I could, ‘you need to let him go. Let him and Tracy have their silly relationship and just ignore him. Pretend you don’t give a damn about him and his stupid new girlfriend. Go into that school tomorrow with your head held high and a smile on your face and pretend he doesn’t exist.’

‘That’s what Sarah said – but I can’t bear to see them,’ she said, welling up again.

‘If you really want you can stay at home tomorrow, but you’ll have to face it the next day and I think it’s better if you get it over with.’

She sighed. ‘I’d rather do that.’

I hugged her and then, kissing her forehead, I said, ‘I’ll get you some cucumber for those poor puffy eyes and we’ll make you up so you look incredible tomorrow. He’ll be kicking himself when he sees what a mistake he’s made.’

‘Mum, Tracy’s like a model. I’m nothing compared to her.’

‘You’re a super-model to me. You’re beautiful and sweet and smart –’

‘Muuuum,’ she said, pushing me gently away.

‘All right, I won’t smother you,’ I said, reluctantly letting go of her. ‘I’ll get you that cucumber, and if you want to come down and cry all night, I’m here for you. Or, if you like, we can watch a movie and order a take-out or go for a walk, whatever you want, pet.’

‘I just want to be miserable up here.’

‘Well, I’m here for anything you need.’

I went back down and met Paul coming in the door. ‘Ali got dumped.’

‘Oh, Jesus.’

‘It’s awful.’

‘That little fucker.’

‘My sentiments exactly. But the worst of it is, he broke up with her to go out with Tracy in her class who looks like a model.’

‘No girl could be more gorgeous than Ali.’

‘I agree, but now she has to face the happy couple every day. It’s so humiliating for her.’

‘Is she really upset?’

‘Devastated.’

‘Will I go up to her?’

‘Yeah, do.’ I went into the kitchen, Paul following me. ‘Here, bring her up these cucumber slices.’

‘Cucumber?’ he said, staring at me as if I’d lost my mind.

‘For her eyes. They’ll help with the puffiness.’

‘I’ll kill that little shit.’

He was back down a minute later.

‘Long chat, then?’ I smiled.

‘I had no idea what to say. You know what I’m like when they cry, I just panic.’

‘So, what did you say?’

‘I just said I was sorry and that she’s wonderful and he’s an arsehole.’

‘You covered all the angles, then.’

‘Women are better at this stuff.’

‘Not really. I didn’t know what to say either. I just listened to her and said pretty much exactly the same things you did.’

‘Where’s Sarah?’

‘Supposedly doing her homework, but I’d say she’s texting everyone she’s ever met to tell them she’s going out with Bobby.’

‘What?’

‘Sarah is, as of this morning, going out with Bobby Masterson-Brown, who apparently is a total stud.’

‘Is he?’

‘Nope, he looks ridiculous – badly highlighted hair and his jeans hanging down around his knees, but she seems very excited.’

‘The last thing that girl needs is a boyfriend.’

‘It might not be such a bad thing. It might settle her down a bit. Apparently he’s not super-smart but not thick either.’

‘I don’t see anyone from Mensa going out with Sarah.’ We laughed. ‘Where’s Charlie?’

I rolled my eyes. ‘He’s gone to meet that woman Lily from the funeral.’

‘The one whose bum he pinched?’

‘The very same.’

‘Way to go, Charlie.’

‘Apparently she’s fifty-four, which is borderline. He won’t go out with anyone over fifty-five. It’s too old, despite the fact that he’s sixty-eight.’

‘He’s right. You don’t want them too wrinkly.’ Paul laughed.

‘I just hope he doesn’t attack her in the car or something. He’s like a teenager with raging hormones.’

‘I admire his –’ Paul was stopped short by the sight of my father strolling into the kitchen with a stumbling Lily in tow.

‘Evening, all,’ Charlie said, grinning from ear to ear.

‘Well, hello there, Charlie,’ said Paul, grinning back.

‘I’d like you to meet the lovely Lily.’

‘’S lovely to meesh you,’ slurred Lily.

She looked a lot worse than she had at Catherine’s funeral. Her skirt was askew, her lipstick was all over her teeth and the middle two buttons on her blouse had come undone so we had a bird’s-eye view of her bra. She was absolutely legless and it wasn’t a pretty sight.

Paul guided her to a chair. ‘Can I get you a drink or some coffee?’ he asked.

Charlie stepped in, grabbed her by the hand and hoisted her back up. ‘She’s had enough drink. I just forked out for a bottle of wine that cost thirty-five euros. I didn’t think I was going to have to take out a bank loan to get laid. Come on, Lily, the bedroom’s this way.’

I looked at Paul. ‘Should I stop them?’

‘He’s sixty-eight.’

‘But she’s a total stranger. What if she gives him a disease or robs him or something? I’ll have to give him protection. Get me some of your condoms.’

And so it was that a forty-two-year-old mother of two found herself knocking on her father’s bedroom door at midnight.

‘I’m busy,’ he roared.

‘Charlie! Open the bloody door.’

‘What?’ A grumpy red face appeared.

‘Here.’

‘What’s this?’

‘It’s a condom.’

‘Lily might be a bit old to bear me children, Ava.’

‘It’s to protect you from other things,’ I whispered.

‘Like what?’

‘
Venereal disease
,’ I hissed, pushing the condom into his hand.

‘Have you only one?’ he asked.

‘Jesus, Charlie.’

‘I’ve taken some of that Viagra so I’m feeling good.’

‘For goodness’ sake,’ I muttered, as I stomped down the corridor to get my father some more condoms.