Pieces of Summer (A stand-alone novel) (19 page)

“Ice cream too.”

He snorts, and I grin while moving away from the door and heading upstairs.

“Found any melted cartons in the cupboards?” he muses.

Not sure why he finds that so funny. It always pisses me off when I do that. At least it doesn’t trigger a meltdown reaction.

“Not this week,” I grumble, eliciting a snicker from him.

He sounds… happy. That’s so good to hear. It’s been getting easier for him to laugh since he’s gotten to spend less and less time worrying about me. I even managed to release my live-in nurse three years ago.

It wasn’t an easy transition to let her go, but I managed not to hurt myself. After all, I never liked her. She was so cold and formal, which made the detachment of the habit easier.

And I killed her in one of my books. That also helped. Death is a finality that my brain comprehends and doesn’t allow triggers to emerge when a fixed figure in my life is removed. It’s a useful tool.

Aidan has been by my side since I got out of the hospital, but sometimes I wonder if it’s because of his worry for me, or because he and I have gotten so close and he doesn’t want to live alone.

“I’ll be back soon,” he says vaguely, staying within the safe confines of my triggers, and I grimace.

“No need to rush. Take some time to love the city. I know you miss it.”

“You can’t stay by yourself for too long at a time, Mika. You have to have someone there on occasion.”

“No, I don’t. Don’t come back just for that.” He knows that isn’t cool. I don’t want him here just to look after me.

He blows out a harsh breath and groans for a second. “Yeah. Sorry. Didn’t mean it that way. So, anyway, tell me about the bowling alley. How’s it doing?”

I smile while walking into my murder room/office.

“It’s going good.”

“Still feel unfinished?”

My smile falls. “Yeah. I don’t know why though.”

Again, another harsh breath leaves his lips. “Dr. Stein said you haven’t been calling her like you’re supposed to.”

I tense, wondering why she’s telling him anything at all. I know he’s allowed to be updated on progress. I also know Dr. Stein’s secretary said he couldn’t be reached.

“You went to see her or she called you?” I ask him.

“Both. I was missing my sessions with her. Anyway, give her a call. You can’t get better without her.”

I nod like he can see me, and I glance out the door, looking for Chase and worrying he might overhear, even though he’s downstairs and outside.

“I will,” I finally say.

“I’m meeting some friends for a drink, so I’ll let you go for now.”

“Have fun, Aidan. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

I start to wonder if he hung up already when he doesn’t respond for a few seconds. He knows that will have me calling him right back. I can’t stand to be hung up on, because the call feels too unfinished. But finally he speaks again.

“Love you, sis. I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

“Love you. Be safe. Bye,” I tell him, wondering how in the hell I’m going to explain Chase to him when he gets back.

It’s not going to be fun. He’s going to explode.

Chapter 36

CHASE

I thought I had moved on and learned to live a life without Mika in it. Turns out I was pretty fucking wrong. It’s like my life was running on standby mode, and nothing really fully resumed until she came back.

She reminds me what it’s like to have someone truly care. I’ve dated nice girls. I’ve dated thoughtful girls. But Mika is the only person who ever truly got to know the real me, and she’s the only person who makes it easy to breathe.

Cheesy as fuck, I know. But it’s the honest truth.

During all this time I’ve been with her, this is the first time she’s slept in my bed in my house.

It’s a fraction of the size of her lake home, but it’s bigger and better than anything I grew up in as a kid. Mika is curled around me, always touching me, and giggling as she reads me a part in one of her books where she killed me with a nail gun.

Yeah, we’re weird. But I like knowing she thought about me so much over the years that she managed to kill me in some rather imaginative ways as a means of moving on. She didn’t move on either.

“What about that one?” I ask her, pointing to the one beside me that she brought over. It’s just a plain cover that states it’s not for publishing.

“It’s a new one they’re about to put out some time soon,” she says with a shrug, moving her eyes back to the book at hand. “I turned it in a while back, even though the ending was never quite right.”

Before she can explain the gory way the nails have broken into my skull, I pick up the new book and open it.

“No!” she says around a laugh, tugging it out of my hands like it’s her diary instead of a book.

“There must be something terrible in there if you’re hiding it from me after all the other things you’ve read to me or let me read.”

I shudder dramatically to make her grin, but her cheeks turn pink instead, and I cock an eyebrow. She looks away like she’s shy all of the sudden, and that makes me all the more curious.

I reach over and jerk the book away, then hold her back with my free hand when she struggles to recapture it from me.

“Stop! Please don’t read that one,” she groans. “I didn’t know it was in that pile.”

I flip the pages open with one hand, ignoring her. My eyes land on page one where there is indeed a Thomas. And he’s the husband of the main character who happens to be named Kayla—like Mikayla.

When I look over my shoulder at her, she narrows her eyes at me.

“You die in it too, so stop looking at me like that.”

My lips twitch as the blush on her cheeks darkens, and she finally tugs the book away from me.

“Sorry,” I lie, grinning like a cheeky asshole as I slide my body over hers.

“No you’re not. You’re enjoying my embarrassment,” she grumbles, only causing me to laugh a little.

“So you married me and killed me?”

She cuts her eyes toward me, and I fight really damn hard not to laugh again.

“So what if I did,” she mumbles. “We all have our coping mechanisms. Besides, they picked an ending. I’ve written several. It’s still not finished in my head, but they feel it is. Doesn’t matter as long as I get to finish it for me.”

I grin at her before kissing my way down her neck, but I’m cursing when my alarm starts going off.

“I really don’t want to go to work,” I grumble against her neck, feeling like a kid who’s lost in a girl for the summer.

“You have to,” she says quickly, going still against me.

“I know.” I raise back, confused. She looks pale for some reason all of the sudden, but she slowly relaxes.

She’s been back for well over a month now, and I’ve managed to shove my heart back in her hands. But I still haven’t learned anything about the dark secrets that make her scream at night. Or the reasons for some of the random rules she has.

No “times” is a big one. I follow her rules without questioning her, but I hope she opens up soon.

“I’ll see you when I get off work tonight,” I tell her, kissing her forehead.

Her color has returned, and she beams up at me before sliding off the bed.

I got up and got ready earlier, then ended back up in bed fully clothed while Mika read random passages of her books to me.

I could stay like that all day, just listening to her speak.

Feeling like a lovesick teenager all over again, I lace my fingers with hers as we walk out the door. Aidan came home yesterday, and Mika asked if we could come over here instead of staying there.

I’m sure it’s because Aidan wants to slice and dice me. I get it.

We left before he got back, and Mika turned off her phone when he wouldn’t stop calling. Talk about being way too overprotective. Something must have happened to make him turn into someone who smothers her, considering he didn’t ever give a damn about even speaking to her when they were kids.

It could have something to do with the little bit she told me about her mother and almost killing her. Not that she’s elaborated on any of that.

I walk her out to her car that she insisted on driving last night, and I pin her against the door, kissing her like I don’t want to let go. She’s been consuming me, and every time she kisses me, it’s like she’s giving it all she has, consuming me all the more.

When our lips break apart, she rubs the side of my cheek, feeling the stubble along my jaw.

“I’ll see you after work,” she says on a sigh.

I nod, brushing my lips against hers, and trying to force myself away. I forgot how damn good it felt to feel alive.

Chapter 37

MIKA

Aidan is pacing the front porch when I pull up, and I inwardly cringe. As soon as he spots me, his entire body visibly relaxes.

“Where the fucking hell have you been?”

“Camp grounds,” I lie, forcing a believable smile. “I told you I was sleeping under the stars last night.”

“You can’t just sleep in random places, Mika,” he groans.

“Actually, where I sleep isn’t a problem. I’ve never had an issue with location change, and you know that. It’s not a trigger. My mind doesn’t read it as a habit or routine that has to be adhered to.”

He follows me into the house, looking exhausted and worried, and I feel like a selfish ass. It’s time to tell him the truth. Aidan definitely deserves the truth, and I’m a bitch for trying to hide it for so long to avoid the inevitable blow up.

“I meant you can’t just sleep in random places because it’s not safe. Nothing to do with your issues,” he tells me, making me wince.

I hate hearing the way he refers to my
issues.
The tone of annoyance and hint of resentment is always there. Aidan deserves my high praises for being by my side, but it always makes me feel like I’ve ruined his life.

“Why don’t you ever have girlfriends?” I ask him, watching as his eyebrows go up in surprise.

“Where the hell did that come from?” he asks.

“Do you stay single because of me? Because you don’t want to introduce someone new into my life who might not stay?”

He frowns while shaking his head. “No. My job requires a lot of travel. Has nothing to do with you, Sis. And I’m not looking to settle down. Why the hell are you asking about this?”

“Because I feel like you’ve put your life on pause for mine.”

He drops to the sofa, staring up at me as confusion mars his tired face. “We’ve had this conversation before, Mika. I promised you I’m not doing anything with my life based on yours. You made me promise that, remember? I’m always true to my word.”

He gives me his trademark smile that usually convinces me of anything, but after spending over two weeks wrapped up in Chase… I forgot how incredible it could feel to be in love. I haven’t forgotten the pain that goes with it, but I definitely remember why I spent so long searching for that attachment again. It was never an illusion—like they tried to convince me of. It was real. It
is
real.

Now my brother’s smile isn’t as convincing, because Aidan doesn’t have to have barriers the way I do. He doesn’t have to take precautions. Nothing is holding him back… unless that something is me.

“I love you, and I think you’ve been sacrificing too much for me,” I say sadly, sitting down beside him.

His arm goes around my shoulders as he kisses the top of my head. It’s a rare show of affection, since affection isn’t allowed. I’ve broken the “no physical affection” rule numerous times since reuniting with Chase.

“Haven’t sacrificed anything, sis. Promise. I wouldn’t do that and leave you with the guilt. It’s just you and me, remember? I need you just as much as you need me.”

I sigh as I stare at the blank TV in front of us, and I prepare to confess the truth.

“I want to date again. Dr. Stein said it might be a possibility if the guy sees her and lets her help him understand what he’s getting into.”

Aidan freezes against me. I shut my eyes, hoping this doesn’t get ugly. I hate fighting with him.

“The garage guy?” he asks quietly. “The one Hunter is friends with? You think he’s ready to travel to New York and get a recipe for being with you?”

He’s not cold, angry, or mocking. He’s seriously hopeful, as though he wants that for me. A tear slips from my eyelids as I shake my head.

“Not him,” I say quietly.

His arm slowly drops off my shoulders, and my eyes open to see him glaring at me.

“Fuck no. Not Chase, Mika. He’s the only fucking person in the world you need to stay away from. It’s too intense between you two, and you know it. One wrong move, and you’ll be spiraling out of control.”

He shoves the heel of his palms into his eye sockets, and I swallow against the knot in my throat.

“You weren’t at the campgrounds last night, were you?” he asks without looking at me.

“No,” I answer honestly.

He nods like he’s thinking that over, silently digesting my words.

“Not him, Mika,” he says finally. “You have to have a slow relationship that builds and grows. Someone who learns your limits and expectations without expectations of their own. You… This isn’t what you really want. You just want what you once had, and you can’t have that back.”

Yeah, it hurts to hear it confirmed aloud, but it’s more than that. I’ve felt more like me these past two weeks than I’ve felt in years.

“It’s not just wanting what I had back. We have… something different. It’s just as intense as it was, but it’s still different. And the way he looks at me… Aidan, I miss people not looking at me like I’m broken or need to be studied.”

When tears form in my eyes, he cuts his gaze away as his jaw tics. He’s reining in his anger, but I can tell he wants to explode.

“That sick fuck of a doctor was sadistic, but he was right about Chase. You made the relationship something it really wasn’t in your head. Yeah, it was intense. But he fucking broke things off and was on the verge of fucking someone else when you saw him again, Mika. How epic of a love is that?” he asks coldly.

A knot forms in my stomach as sickness tries to unfurl. Dr. Kravitz convinced me there was never a relationship as powerful as it seemed to my teenage mind. But in the past few weeks, I’ve quickly learned he was wrong.

I was just as in love with Chase as I always thought I was, and he loved me just as much.

“I don’t expect you to understand,” I say quietly. “You’ve never felt it. But I can’t deny what I feel for him, Aidan. It’s as intense as I remembered and just as real as I always thought.”

He shakes his head, standing before walking away from me.

“No. No. Your mind doesn’t have the ability to rationalize things now, Mika. You’re just forming an attachment too strong because you can’t stop yourself.”

That pisses me off. “I’m not like that anymore, Aidan. As long as I’m not agitated, I have the ability to rationalize things.”

He turns to me with pained, exhausted eyes. “You think you do. You haven’t been in a situation like this in years. Remember the last guy who you tried to date? It resulted in you crying on the floor and breaking half the shit in the house. You didn’t care about him, but you couldn’t stop yourself from needing him.”

I swallow down the bile from that sickening memory that still makes me hate myself.

“Yeah. I know. But I also know that I never loved him, Aidan. I knew I was being irrationally attached. I’ve had Dr. Stein since then, by the way.”

He stares at me, angry again.

“So you get involved with Chase, even though you know how irrational he made you before you were injured. What happens when he hurts you again? Do I end up in the ER with you?”

More bile fills my mouth, and I look away. He should slap me instead of saying things like that. Reflexively, my arms go around my middle.

“I haven’t hurt myself like that in seven years,” I say quietly. “I have healthy outlets now.”

“Does he even know the extent of what you need? Does he know how dangerous it can be for him to form a routine with you?”

I shake my head, staring at the floor.

“Some love. You can’t tell him because you know he’ll leave you, Mika.”

My eyes come up, and my lip trembles as tears start to drip.

“You’re wrong, Aidan. That’s not why I haven’t told him. I don’t want him to look at me the way you do. It’s the only reason I’ve left him in the dark.”

Hurt replaces his anger in that instant, and regret shades his eyes as he walks toward me.

“Mika—”

“Don’t,” I say while clearing my throat and holding my hand up. “Don’t deny it. I realize what I’m risking, but you have no idea how much worse it hurts to see pity instead of freedom when someone looks at you.”

He sinks to the chair adjacent to me, staring helplessly at me as I wipe the tears away.

“I don’t want him to feel trapped with me. I always worry about that with you. You’re my brother, but I sometimes feel like
you feel
stuck with me. It makes me feel so guilty. I just wanted someone to be with me because they wanted to be. I haven’t had that in so long, Aidan. Chase was my best friend first. I was his light.”

My voice breaks as Aidan looks down at the ground.

“He’s going to hurt you,” he says quietly.

“Maybe,” I confess. “But it’s worth it to me.”

My phone goes off with a text tone, and I look over to see it’s from Chase.

CHASE: Running out for a beer with Blake. Be there after we finish up. Shouldn’t be long.

Nausea hits me, but I slow my breathing, forcing my shaky hands to text him, but it’s no use. There’s only one letter I’m able to send and not beg him to get here now, expose my weakness.

ME: k

I can handle this. It’s a disruption in plans made, but there were never any times. Technically he said he’d see me after work. But he didn’t say when after work. I just wish he had worded that differently and
just
told me he was going to get a drink.

I didn’t have to hear him say he’d see me after that. It conflicts with the original plan. It makes the two clash and butt heads, which has my skin crawling.

“Mika? Mika, what’s wrong?” Aidan asks, concerned, but it sounds like he’s farther away now.

My head is spinning as the words conflict and I try to make them work together.
I’ll see you after work. After work not after beers. Be there after we finish up. After. After. After.

“Mika!” Aidan yelling my name has me snapping out of my thoughts, and I feel the cold sweat that has gathered on my skin.

“I need to go to the office,” I say through a strained whisper while getting up and sprinting up the stairs.

I dive behind my desk and anxiously await my laptop to cut on. Aidan comes in just as it does, and my fingers start flying over the keys. I can handle this. I’m better. I have my control. I can fix this and it’ll be fine.

See? I can be with Chase and handle the normal interactions between couples. I can be normal enough.

“Mika! Damn it, answer me. What happened?”

Chase showed up directly after work and wrapped me up in his arms, holding me to him before kissing my lips and carrying me inside. It was perfect.

The itch is still there, the heaviness in my chest gets stronger, making it hard to breathe as I continue typing, changing the scene when it doesn’t work.

Chase showed up after work, but he had to hurry and change before going to have a drink with a friend. He knew he had to fulfill the original promise, and didn’t mind the way I held onto him for a moment, letting my mind accept and sate the need for him to carry through.

“Mika!”

I swallow hard, trying not to start clawing at my skin. Tiny prickles are running up and down my arms, gathering to be uncontrollable in my center as my stomach starts to itch fiercely. No. No. No!

It’s not supposed to be like this. It doesn’t get this bad this quickly. No. I’m in control!

“I need to write,” I tell him, not wanting Aidan to see me start clawing at my stomach through my shirt.

The feeling in my arms dulls as more and more sensations swarm my abdomen, making it almost unbearable as my fingers start striking the keys with more fervor, desperate to regain control. Frenzied and wild, I write incoherent sentences as my mind struggles to find the proper structures and necessary release.

“Damn it!” he yells before storming off.

The sound of the front door slamming barely registers, as does the sound of a car squealing away.

Chase… He didn’t go for beers. He’s here. He’s in my house. He’s here. He’s here. He’s here. He’s here. He’s here. He’s here.

My mind stutters, breaking out of the loop as I stare helplessly at the screen. It’s not working. It’s a simple miscommunication. This should be working.

My eyes flit to the glass of water behind me, as rage burrows in my core, forcing me to start scratching the phantom bugs that are crawling all over my stomach, fighting to break into the skin. The pressure starts mounting, growing painful.

“Stop!” I scream, feeling the hot tears lick at my cheeks as I grab the glass and launch it across the room. It shatters, but there’s no release. None at all. Not even a little bit of the pain inside me starts to ebb.

The pressure continues to build in my middle, making it feel like something is trying to get out while the bugs try to get in. It’s maddening and I start rocking, pleading with my mind to understand it’s okay.