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Chapter 26

Go back to work

How’s Maria?

Fractured wrist elbow and two ribs

How was the meeting?

Not great

Shit. I have to run but fill me in later OK?

Yeah

After texting Riley, I sent another text to Max saying the meeting wasn’t what we’d hoped and we’d talk when he got home that night. That one was harder to send.

He’d be disappointed about the outcome of the Harmon meeting. Maybe really disappointed. But he had a zero-bullshit tolerance when it came to his company, so he’d understand.

I was already starting to think of other options to get Phoenix across the finish line. Over my cafeteria lunch at Alliance, I jotted down possibilities in my notebook. Most of them got scratched out immediately. A few others got question marks, meaning I’d explore them more later.

My afternoon meetings were a blur and the end of the day loomed like salvation just out of reach.

After learning about the dev award and this bomb with Harmon, what I needed more than anything was to see Max. Not the founder of Titan. I needed the guy with the IQ of a zillion and a fascination with Magic 8 balls. The one who went from cocky to thoughtful or angry to sexy in a heartbeat. The one who got me better than I did and took the time to look past what I put out there to the world.

The one I was in love with.

No matter what happened, I had Max. The rest we’d figure out.

“Hey Ronnie,” I said by way of greeting when I bounded into the foyer at Max’s after the longest afternoon at Alliance.

“Hey, Payton.” Over the past few weeks I’d learned Ronnie had a wife—a first and second, actually—and three daughters. We’d watched one and a half Will Ferrell movies together, so naturally, we were bonded.

“You better go on up. You kids have fun and keep it down. There’re only ten floors between us.” He grinned.

Thoughts whirled in my head like a tornado as the elevator climbed. I needed to tell Max about the award. I needed talk to him and Riley about the deal, but I also needed to just be next to him. To hear about his week with his parents. To unload to someone about the award, and how useless I felt to be unable to help my mom.

He would make it better.

The door was unlocked, so I tucked away the key he’d given me and kicked my shoes off by the door. My chest tightened with every step as I crossed the kitchen into the living room.

Max sat on the living room couch, bent over the coffee table. His chin was on his fists and his black t-shirt showed off his biceps. The hair I loved was messy and getting long, falling over a face that was tight with concentration.

I leaned against the wall. “I was hoping to beat you here.”

Max looked up. “Sorry.”

The coolness in his expression surprised me. My attention went to the sheets of paper spread out across the coffee table. I stepped closer, craning my neck to look.

“That’s the offer from Harmon. How did you get it?”

Max shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he rose. “They sent it to me by email an hour ago, saying they were sorry to hear it wasn’t going to work.”

I guess it’s work first, catch-up later.

I tried to take the part of me that had missed him since he’d been gone, had counted every night, and shove it back down for a little longer.

“I knew you’d be disappointed and I’m sorry it didn’t work out—”

“What happened, Payton?” Angry eyes moved back and forth on mine. “I heard Riley wasn’t even at the meeting.”

I lifted my chin, feeling the defensiveness spring up. “Max, his girlfriend got hurt. I thought you’d want to move ahead.”

“Move ahead, not blow up the whole deal.”

“What was I supposed to say, Max? That offer is shit. I told them as much.”

He rubbed a hand over his face, frustration seeping through the cracks. “The only thing between me and finishing Phoenix is money and they have it. You were supposed to go in there and say ‘Yes, thank you’ all day long. Or if they threw a curveball at you, you’d say ‘Let me take this back.’”

What the hell?

“I’m not your flying monkey,” I replied, bristling. “I have a brain. And this happens to be what I do for a living. Did you even read that offer?”

Max lifted the stack of pages off the table and flipped to the end. “Yeah. Yeah, I did. And I see why you didn’t like it. In the event of failure to repay, Harmon gets first dibs on our assets.” He stabbed a finger at a paragraph of text.

I kept my attention on him because I knew exactly what it said. I’d read it, too.

“
If
Phoenix fails.
If
Titan goes under. You’re not going to let that happen. You’re so paranoid about finishing this game you’ve lost sight of the big picture.”

Max dropped the offer back on the table, where it landed with a smack. “And you’re letting your own interests cloud the issue.”

“What?” It felt like a bucket of ice had been dumped on my head as the cold truth slowly seeped in. “You think I turned this down because of my relationship with Alliance?”

He shrugged. “You work for them. They come first for you, like Titan comes first for me.”

I bent over to retrieve the offer from the table, flipping through, my fingers shaking. I held up the page I was looking for. “When you were reading through, did you happen to see this interest rate? It’s insane. Phoenix will have to outsell every game on record to make this worthwhile. Harmon knows it. They delayed meeting with us until we were desperate. Now they’re using it against us. Dammit, Max. We shouldn’t be arguing with each other, we should be talking about other options for getting Phoenix across the finish line.”

His voice dropped, but I sensed it was from anger, not calm. “We have an option. I can go back and tell them we want to take the money, on their terms. I have to get a game out. I don’t have time to dick around.”

“Even if you want to, you can’t change the terms and put in a preferred debtor without Alliance’s approval. It’s not allowed,” I said stubbornly.

“What’re you going to do, Payton?” He stepped into me, eyes smoking. “Run back to your boss and report me?”

I’d lain awake last night in bed imagining what today would be like, seeing him again. This was so far from the conversation I’d envisioned us having. Hell, I’d figured we wouldn’t even be talking by now. That we’d be in his bed, or the shower, or somewhere in between. He’d be murmuring things in my ear while I pulled on his hair.

Instead I was standing in the middle of his living room feeling like I’d stepped into a boxing ring.

And I was two punches from a knockout.

“Max. I’m going to say this once,” I said, managing through some miracle to keep my voice level. “I care about you, and Titan. I would never make a decision that would hurt you or your business.”

“I know you think that. But those lines get blurry when you have competing loyalties.”

“Wait. You think this is like what happened with Claire? You do, don’t you.”

“No.” Max’s eyes searched mine, a tiredness bleeding into the frustration. “Go back to work, Payton. I’ll call you when Riley and I get this figured out.”

Because Riley was infallible.
Where was Riley when the meeting was happening this morning?
I knew that was unfair, but Max was taking sides and I was in the wrong one.

“Don’t bother.” I dug the key out of my bag and slapped it into his hand before turning for the door.

I made it to the car before the tears started.

“OK, spill.”

“What?”

Charlie raised an eyebrow. “Why you’re acting like you just lost your job
and
your apartment
and
your boyfriend.” Her hot pink fingertips tapped on the table in time with her words.

“You’re not far off.” I eyed her up across the round-top table on the patio of the bar. A block from Alliance, the place could fit thirty patrons, tops, and made a wicked martini I couldn’t contemplate appreciating right now.

In fact, I couldn’t contemplate appreciating anything right now.

I’d called in a personal day, which had Charlie on the phone by mid-morning demanding to know what was wrong. Her insistence that we meet—and threats to show up at my door—were the only reason I’d pulled on pants and dragged my ass over here for the most depressing happy hour in history.

“Is this about the email that went around about the development award? Weirdly, Avery’s not even gloating. I think at this point he expects to win everything.” She sighed. “I thought you had it, P. I don’t know how he closed so much business in the last week. God knows where Avery pulls these contacts from.”

“His ass?”

Charlie shook her head, sending blond waves moving around her shoulders. “No way. You couldn’t fit a Popsicle stick up there. But seriously, tell me what’s going on.”

Yesterday was probably the second worst day of my life, after the one when my mom had gotten diagnosed. I’d tried not to think about it while sitting numbly on my couch last night, telling myself everything would look better in the daylight.

Well, it was sunny and eighty, and the view from here wasn’t much better.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Payton, honey?” Charlie’s sympathetic face promised to dull the pain. “If you don’t tell me I’m going to beat it out of you.”

What more did I have to lose?

I told her about the meeting with Harmon the day before. How instead of commiserating with me, Max had accused me of undermining his work.

“And,” I finished, “Max acted like I’d gone in there, guns blazing, and shot the place up.”

“I can’t believe he didn’t trust you.”

I opened my mouth to protest. “That’s exactly it. He doesn’t trust me.”

“You can’t have a relationship without trust,” Charlie agreed. “Has he tried to contact you?”

I held up my phone and showed her the two missed calls and two texts.

Can you come over

Then,

Payton we need to talk

“He’s figuring out he was a dick,” Charlie said confidently. “You can tell because the texts start off at entitled. In another couple days he’ll be at groveling.”

I rubbed my hands over my face. “I don’t want groveling, Charlie. I want him to believe in me. Believe in us.”

“I know. There are really no words that make up for treating your girl like that.”

I swallowed the giant lump in my throat, suddenly wishing I was in my bed with the covers over my head instead of in public.

I’d put myself on the line with him, personally and professionally. And I’d been completely blindsided both ways.

A shaky breath trembled through my lips. “It’s just that I thought we were making progress. It was so stupid. He told me himself he doesn’t do relationships, Charlie. Why the fuck couldn’t I listen to him?”

“Do you love him?”

I blinked back tears burning the backs of my eyes.

Charlie cursed. “I am officially off Team Max. If he comes sniffing around, his smug face has a date with my fist.”

I glanced at her nails. “I’m not sure you could even make a fist without hurting yourself.”

“Then I’ll slap him right in his stupid eyebrow piercing. I mean what is he, in a band?”

We sipped our drinks in silence for a moment, looking at the people in the bar. “Thanks, Charlie.”

“Sure.”

Chapter 27

I don’t want to be right

It was a warzone. The casualties were clothes, tops and bottoms in every color strewn around the floor. Open boxes and bins and bags stood guard along the walls. Instead of a marching band, Springsteen blasted from a speaker in the corner.

I’d been planning to drive my mom to her group meeting tonight, but she’d asked me to come early. When I arrived at her condo, I found her surrounded by chaos.

“What are you doing?” I shouted.

“Cleaning out the house,” she yelled back.

I crossed to the speakers, turning down the music a couple of decibels.

“Thanks. I’m finding stuff to donate for when I move out.”

If I’d expected the pain to lessen after three days, it hadn’t. If anything the hurt, loneliness, and disappointment layered, each one augmenting and amplifying the others.

Maybe if I hurt enough everything would eventually meld into one layer of numbness.

“I’m so sorry you have to move, Mom.”

“Honey, it’s OK. It gives me an excuse to clean out some of this crap.”

“It’s not OK,” I insisted, picking up a blue dress off the floor. I recognized it as the one my mom wore to my college graduation. “I was supposed to get you the money so you could keep it.”

She straightened, reaching up to shove a piece of hair that’d fallen out of her messy bun back inside. “What are you talking about?”

“I had it all figured out. This award at work…I was sure I could win it and get you the money to keep your house. But I lost.”

Shock crossed my mom’s pretty face. “Oh, Paybear.” She sat on the side of the bed and patted the spot beside her. Feeling a bit like a child, I complied. “That’s not your responsibility. You look after me more than I could ever ask you to as it is.”

“But this is your home.”

She took my hands in hers and squeezed them. “This is a box. It’s a pretty box with some walls and five appliances. I can live anywhere. You’re my home, sweetie.”

My chest squeezed. Eyes the same shape and color as mine studied me for a long moment.

“Payton,” she started finally, “something happened to you after I got sick.”

I wiped at my eyes. “I grew up, Mom.”

“You did. And I’m so proud of you for that. But you also gave up part of yourself. I should’ve said something sooner, but I didn’t realize it until recently. The last couple of months, it’s like I’ve seen glimpses of you again. The girl you were.”

“I needed to grow up. I was ignorant and impulsive.”

“You would also laugh until you snorted milk out your nose. You’d say no if you didn’t like something. You weren’t afraid of being loud or making mistakes. I miss that girl sometimes.”

My chest tightened. I could still remember the feeling of being entirely free and unencumbered, even if I’d told myself to forget. Eventually, I’d chalked it up to something you grew out of.

She was right. Lately, I’d felt shards of that coming back. Moments of being so totally alive, of not worrying what people thought or said.

“But even if some of that comes back, how do I know the bad parts won’t come back with it?” I ventured.

She rose from the bed, smoothing down the rumpled bedspread after her. “Because you’re not the same person you were a year ago, or even a day ago. We’re always changing. You’re never going to be that girl again. You’re going to be better.”

“How do you know?” I asked in a small voice.

“I just do. Mother’s intuition.” Her full mouth stretched into a smile. “But speaking of that girl you used to be—what do you say we tackle your old closet?”

I felt a tiny bit lighter as we dragged a box of donation items to the bedroom that used to be mine. In short order we had each pulled a pile of clothes from the closet.

“Is that a bra?”

I glanced toward my mom, who was holding up a circle of fabric a few inches wide. My eyes narrowed. “I think it’s a skirt.”

“It’s awfully short, Payton.”

“It worked fine.”

“You want it back?” My mom slingshotted it at me and I groaned when it landed on my head.

“Hey!”

“Maybe Max will like it,” she teased. Her smile vanished when she saw the expression on my face. “Honey, what’s wrong.”

“I don’t think he’ll be seeing it. We’re not together. We’re not anything.” I tossed the skirt on the donation pile. Then pulled a pair of shorts out of my bin and dropped them on top of the skirt.

“Since when?”

I sighed. “A few days ago. I did something that I thought was for the right reasons, but he didn’t see it that way. We ended up fighting.”

“All couples fight.”

“This was a big one.”

She folded the dress in her hands and dropped it on the bed before straightening. “Was it worth it?”

The question surprised me. I thought about the Harmon meeting. I wanted to believe I’d done the right thing. Did I still believe it was, more than a week later?

Absolutely.
A year from now Max would be cursing me for letting him sign something so short-sighted.

“Yeah. I think so,” I said honestly, giving up any effort to sort clothes and collapsing on my back on the bed.

“Well there you go,” she said matter-of-factly. My mom moved to lie beside me. “You have to be willing to stick your neck out for things you believe in, even if no one else sees it that way. Relationships are a long game, Payton.”

“I hope Max sees that some day.”

“Have you talked about it?”

I shook my head. “I’m not sure where to start.”

“Start somewhere. It’s a hell of a lot better than nowhere.”

I pulled in front of the curb to drop Mom off at her meeting. It had started to rain so after wrapping me in a long hug, she offered a last waggle of her fingers before hopping out and dashing for the door.

My heart stopped when I looked past her. Even at thirty feet in the dim light I knew the man standing at the top of the steps. I knew that stance. Knew the way his long-sleeved shirt fit his body. The Converse shoes on his feet.

My view was obscured by my mom hurrying up the steps.

She stopped, putting a hand on Max’s arm. He turned.

No. Oh shit.

But Max’s head jerked toward my car before I could put it in gear.

My eyes shut as I waited, counting to five. I rolled down the passenger window and Max leaned in, resting his forearms on the frame. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

Droplets of rain hit the window frame, bouncing inside. Water clung to his hair, running down his handsome face, but he didn’t seem to care. Even the water couldn’t hide the circles under his eyes.

I hit the power locks and he slid in next to me, wiping the rain from his face with a hand.

“It’s been three days, Payton,” Max said under his breath. “You avoiding me?”

“Maybe.”

He nodded, expecting the answer. He didn’t try to touch me or move closer but his presence caused a physical pain in my gut. I hadn’t forgotten how it felt to be around him but the past few days I’d tried to push it down. Reminded myself that a couple months ago I wouldn’t have known Max Donovan from Adam on the street.

“I’m going to tell you what I would’ve said if you’d called me back. Then if you don’t want to talk, I’ll go.” Max’s taut expression and the way he rubbed a thumb over his lip made my chest tighten. “I overreacted about Harmon. I don’t want you to be upset with me.”

I took a breath. “I’m not upset. I mean, I was at first. But not anymore.” His words helped to soothe the raw nerve endings, but there were deeper scars they couldn’t heal.

Max stared at the windshield, the world beyond obscured by rivulets winding their way across the glass. “I miss you. When I got back from Florida all I wanted was to see you. But then I got the email from Harmon and…” his jaw worked as he turned toward me. “There’s something else you need to know.

“After I fired Claire last week, I called Chris. I’d had enough of her interference and I told her what she could do with her threats. She lost it, saying she’d send Evolve to Axel.” His mouth twisted in a grim line. “I held firm, but later, I had all these fucked-up dreams. About what would happen if she did. About everything crashing down if we didn’t get Phoenix out soon enough. About everything I’ve worked for in my life obliterated in an instant. And…I took it out on you.”

“I don’t blame you, Max. I know you were panicked. But I need you to trust me.”

He shifted in his seat, expression grave. “I do. But the way I’m wired…I assume the worst of people, Payton, because I’ve seen what people at their worst can do. Even people you think care about you.”

I jumped when a car horn honked behind us. We were in a loading zone but I hadn’t noticed the other vehicle pull up.

Max buzzed down his window and extended his pointer finger.

The honking continued. Max opened the door and stuck his head out, along with a different finger. “I said just a fucking second, all right?”

That did the trick.

Max turned back to me with a shake of his head, trying to gather his thoughts. “I can’t change how I am, Payton. But I want you in my life. So I guess the question is, what do you want?”

New drops of rain clung to Max’s eyelashes, his hair, the barbell in eyebrow. My fingers itched to brush them away but instead I clasped my hands together.

“Max. I care about you. A lot.” I drew a breath and slowly let it out. “But I can’t be with you if you don’t trust me.”

He frowned, like he was trying to understand but failing. “Even though we were fighting about work?”

“It’s not work versus personal. Us is us, there’s no wall. You can’t think I’m out to sabotage you in the morning and go to bed next to me at night.”

The betrayal I could live with. The fact that Titan would always come first…I couldn’t.

I felt the tears well up and tried my hardest to swallow them.

“Maybe you were right, Max. Maybe this thing with us wasn’t ever meant to last.”

“I don’t want to be right. Not about this.” Desperation edged into his voice. It made me miss him horribly—how was it possible to miss someone when they were sitting right next to you?—but at the same time, my heart couldn’t give him what he needed.

“Me either.” I squeezed his arm. We sat there for a while before he shifted out of the car, closing the door softly behind him and disappearing into the rain.