Playing My Love (30 page)

  So why did I invite her over?  Why give her the impression my feelings haven't changed when they obviously have?

  I had no answer for myself.  It wasn't
that I was scared to be alone, because I'd been fine on my own until Alison came along.  And it wasn't that I was settling for second best because after realising that that was what I was to Alison, I couldn't do that to Sam.  It wasn't fair.

  I sighed inwardly.

  Or maybe it was all of the above and I was just too cowardly to admit it?

  "Your mum's a strong powerful woman, Sam.  She'll talk him round"  I said, trying to reassure her.

  "Maybe.  I'm just…I can't believe I'm here with you!  I never thought I'd see you again baby, I thought I'd blown it for good.  Oh man, I messed up so bad letting you go!  I swear, I won't ever let that happen again!"  she said, getting upset.

  "Hey, don't cry!  Come on, everything's going to be fine!"

  "I'm crying because I'm happy!  For the first time since I…well, since I lost you!  When you cancelled on me earlier this year, I thought you'd found someone else, and I tried to tell myself that I deserved it, after the way I treated you!  I deserved to be miserable!  I'm so ashamed of how I treated you."

  "What's important now is that we're both here, willing to make a go of it, right?"

  "More than anything!"

  "Then it's going to work!"  I stated with determination.

  I drove the rest of the way back to my flat trying to ignore the fact today was Gray's funeral.

                                                               
19

                                         Sam Kind Of Wonderful

DANEKA'S DECEMBER

  I'd walked around the shops five times looking for a special Christmas present for Sam, but had come across nothing, and I was now approaching a state of panic over my lack of ideas for her.  So far, I'd got her a bottle of perfume I knew she liked, but that was it.  She already had a bracelet that I'd bought for her four years ago, and the earrings and necklace she wore were very dear to her being an eighteenth birthday present from her parents.  I didn't want her to feel obliged to take them off to wear something I might buy for her, so jewellery was out.  Everything else I came across seemed either too impersonal or not something I thought she would like.

  I went home, completely frustrated with myself.

  "Hello?  Sam?"  I called out as I walked in the front door.  I could smell something beautiful cooking, a wonderful welcome for my cold nose and empty stomach.  I took my hat, boots and scarf off and called out again, wondering why she hadn't replied as I walked through to the lounge.  She was sat on the sofa, hunched over and sobbing, and I rushed over.

  "I didn't…I wasn't snooping…oh god!"  she cried, looking at me with red eyes.  Shocked, I reached out to comfort her before I saw what she was holding in her hands.

  It was my watch.  The one Alison had given me with the inscription on the back.

  Daneka,
Love Always, Alison.

  I knelt on the floor in front of her and prised it from her fingers, setting it to one side before taking both her hands in my own.

  "Sam?  Look at me baby?"  I waited until her eyes focused on mine, then took a deep breath.  "I should have told you about her.  I'm sorry, but it's over, okay?  I promise you."

  "Were you in love with her?"

  I paused a second, knowing that she deserved an honest reply, but also that she'd be able to tell if I lied anyway.

  "Yes.  I was."

  Please don't ask, please don't ask, please don't…

  "Are you still in love with her?"

  …
ask
.

  I drew in a long deep breath.

  "I think there's a part of me that always will be, just like I never stopped loving you."

  "We were together for four years!  How long were you seeing
Alison
for?"  she cried, looking utterly betrayed.

  "I…we weren't…she was married!"  I blurted out.  "We just had feelings for each other."

  "
Just
had feelings?  You just said you were in love with her!"

  "
It's not how you think it…"

  "Stop!  Just stop it, Darcy!  I don't want to hear your excuses.  She's the reason you blew me off before, isn't she?  When you told me your feelings had changed and you didn't come
over?  You just didn't tell me it was because you were in love with someone else who was already married, for Christ's sake!  Oh god, this can't get any worse!"

  "Sam, baby, I made a mistake, please
?  I'm sorry."

  "Did you sleep with her?"  she asked softly.  I closed my eyes and nodded.

  "Once."

  There was a long pause.

  "Did she blow you off too?  Is that why you came running back to me, baby?  Cos she didn't want you anymore?  Am I…am I your back up plan?"

  "No!  It wasn't like that!  Look, I was confused when I was with her, we
both
were, and I never really knew what was going on, or how she felt…I never had that with you!  It always felt right when you and I were together, and it wasn't until I found out she'd been lying to me the whole time that my head cleared and I realised I'd made a huge mistake letting you go."

  There was another long pause, and in the back of my mind I briefly wondered what she'd put on to cook and whether or not it was going to
burn.  Then she sat back against the sofa, removing her hands from mine to run one through her hair.

  "You were always my one and only.  Always.  I never slept with Jerry, you know?  I told him I wanted to wait and he respected that, but the whole time I was just looking for a way out.  I always thought I was
your
one and only too, but now you tell me you've been loving someone else and I don't know how I feel about that.  I mean, if she were to knock on your door tomorrow and beg you to come back, I don't even know if you'd say no."

  "Sam, I love
you
.  I want to be with
you
."

  She closed her eyes and smiled sadly.

  "Nobody calls you Daneka.  You never even let me call it you.  You were obviously very intimate with her, right?"  With a sigh, she opened her eyes and sat forward again.  "Darcy, if there's even a point one per cent chance that you could leave me for this woman further down the line, I mean even the most remote chance, I need to know now.  Because I can't do this if there is.  I just can't"  she whispered.

  I held her gaze.

  "There's no chance I would leave you for her.  No chance, I swear."

  She smiled, but it was a sad smile.

  "I don't believe you, baby.  But it's good enough I guess.  Come on, I asked Nicki to give us a night together, and I have a joint of lamb roasting…"

  "Sam, wait.  I mean it!  I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I have since the moment I first lay eyes on you.  Wait here a second"  I jumped up and ran to my bedroom, heart pounding with nerves.  I took the small box from its carefully hidden place in my wardrobe and opened it up to look at it.  There would be no going back from this.  I returned to the lounge and knelt back down in front of her.

  "I'm going to give you your Christmas present early.  I love you with all my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and …I want to ask you if you'll spend the rest of your life with me…as my wife?"  I held out the box with trembling fingers, and she took it hesitantly.  A small frown creased her brow as she gently prised the lid open and saw the ring inside.

  "It's beautiful"  she whispered.  I held my breath as she took it out of the box and held it up to look at it closer.  "It's just beautiful."

  "So?  Will you?  Will you marry me?"

  She looked at me, and I could see her expression had softened.

  "Of course I will!"

  I took the ring from her and pushed it onto her left hand ring finger.  It
was a perfect fit, the resizing I'd had done when I bought it last year had paid off.  She stared at it in complete and utter disbelief, and I wondered if I wasn't wearing the same expression.

  Did I really just do that?

  I searched my heart.  Yes, I could see myself with Sam for the rest of my life even if I would probably never stop wondering about Alison. 

  So why do I feel so scared?

  Sam leaned forward and kissed me softly, but when she pulled back I went with her, deepening the kiss.  I tugged her jumper up and slid my hand across the smooth skin of her stomach.  Heat flooded through me as I found her nipple pushing through the lace of her bra and I squeezed it hard as I tried to manoeuvre us down into a more favourable position.  I wanted her right now!  I pulled her breast free from her bra and palmed it, hungrily thrusting my tongue into her mouth.

  "Mm,
Darce, wait a sec, stop, stop, stop"  she mumbled, twisting her head away.

  "Are you kidding?  It's been nearly two years!"  I said, kissing her neck.  She pushed me off gently but firmly and sat up, looking flushed and awkward.

  "For me, yes."

  I sat back, the mood killed.

  "Look, honey, you were the one who suggested taking things slowly again, and now I know that you've been with someone else, I think I'm going to need some time to get my head round it.  Because right now it's sort of all I can see when I look at you"  she said, looking pained.  I nodded and pushed myself to my feet.

  "I understand."  I took a deep breath and forced a smile onto my face.  "Hey, did I hear something about some lamb roasting in the oven?"

  She smiled back, and together we went to the kitchen and finished preparing our dinner.

  It was a ridiculous mistake to have made, and I was aghast at myself for making it.
  The only thing I could do now was try and cover it up.

  "I, uh, I thought it would smell good on you.  Don't you like it?"

  "Um, yeah, sure I like it!"  Sam said, trying to sound enthusiastic.  "It's just not the sort of fragrance I normally go for, but it smells great!"  To prove it to me, she spritzed some on her wrists and rubbed them together.  I cringed inwardly, feeling like a complete idiot for buying Sam the perfume that Alison had said she really liked.  What should have given it away was that it was a fairly new scent that had only been released early this year.  I felt sick.

  "If you don't like it…"

  "No, I do!  I promise, it's very lovely baby.  Thank you"  she leaned across to kiss me on the cheek.  As she did, the perfume flooded my senses and an image of Alison leaning across to me in the shop saying 'I really like it!  What do you think?' flashed before my eyes.  It was like a slap in the face and I almost had to physically stop myself from recoiling.

  "I'm sorry honey, I guess I'm a little out of touch."

  "Don't be sorry!  I had my real present early, right?  Now, I just have one more gift for you!"  she said happily, holding out her hand.  In it was a small box and I had more than an inkling what would be inside it.

  "Oh my god
, Sam, this must have cost you a small fortune!"  I gasped when I opened it.

  "No more than the one you gave me."  She took it from the box and slid it onto my ring finger.  "You see, I was going to get you a nice watch, but then I saw you already had one"  she said tactfully.  "Now we both have a ring so it's more official!"

  The ring was perfect.  It fit perfectly.  So why was I still thinking about Alison?  Wondering if she was still wearing the ring Gray gave her, or if she'd taken it off?  If she was thinking about me?

  "I love it!  I love you!  Thank you!"

  The rest of the day was a struggle for me.  I genuinely loved Sam and was truly happy with her.  We gelled so well and everything was easy and comfortable.  We knew each other inside out and our relationship seemed to just carry on from where it had left off, and I really did want to spend the rest of my life with her.

  But.

  I just could not stop thinking about a certain City Girl.

  There was a part of me that wondered if we could ever have worked, whether we'd just had an overly intense friendship
that would have fizzled out over time.  I knew I was slightly obsessing over her in my head, but I seemed to have no control over the thoughts racing round like it was a never-ending Grand Prix.  She'd not only deleted me from facebook, but blocked me as well, so I couldn't even look at her profile page which I knew was probably for the best.  I just wish I knew how to put her out of my head, because god only knew I wanted to.

  Nicki returned back to the flat on the twenty eighth after spending Christmas with her family, and immediately sensed something was wrong.  She tactfully waited until Sam was in the shower before she questioned me on it though.