Playing Well With Others (33 page)

Not every party you attend will have a human chandelier and
Eyes Wide Shut
masks at every turn — but perhaps you can make one of those happen down the road. So much about kink is what you make of it: the energy and the attitude that you bring to the event have a great deal to do with how much you enjoy yourself. And in the instance where it just doesn’t click? It’s still a learning experience, and you have better knowledge of what does or does not work for you going forward.

Their kink may not be your kink

There is a mantra in the kink community — “Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay.” This is an important ideal, because the kink communities are built on the notion of radical inclusivity — that a wide variety of humans with a wide variety of desires can all work together to create safe space for everyone. When we make space for the desires of others, they in turn will make space for ours.

However, if you know your type of play is likely to disturb or “squick” others (see sidebar), be respectful by considering whether it is appropriate for the venue in question. If you’re unsure, ask a host. Some venues have warning signs alerting attendees about potentially unsettling scenes that will happen in certain rooms, or at certain times, in order to allow attendees to opt out, while others may keep a play space open late just for those into your fetish.

If you do not understand or are upset by what you are seeing, talk with a DM or host. Otherwise, wait until after the scene is done (including aftercare, in any form), and ask the players themselves. This might be online with a respectful email, or later that night around the snack table. Asking what about that play arouses them might help you not only understand others, but perhaps discover something new for yourself as well.

Laws of the Land

Play space rules

Each space you go to will have different rules. Some may be similar — but read each waiver, and each set of behavior expectations. What are the rules at this specific party? Are there different rules for different spaces at the event? Especially if it is a legal waiver, you don’t want to be held liable for rules you did not actually read. If there is no form to read, you might instead be having a casual conversation with friends or hosts about what is cool to do in their house.

Dungeon rules are there for a reason. They are not random and arbitrary, they are not there only to protect newbies, they are not there to spoil your fun or to piss you off. Don’t take the rules personally.

There are many reasons why rules may be in place, and they include but are not limited to:

• Rules driven by laWS.
  Sometimes, the rules are about legal boundaries. These include “no prostitution at the party” rules, as well as play-specific ones driven by local legislation. Some health departments have strict admonition against blood drawing, and your simple needle scene could get an entire conference shut down and the hosts heavily fined. Playing fast-and-loose with your own interpretation of rules based on legal issues isn’t cool. If the venue may potentially have health inspectors walking through to make sure that no sex is happening on premises, now is a bad time for you to have a few fingers inside someone and then argue later that it was not really sex; such arguments may end in a nonconsensual handcuff scene.
  

• Rules driven by insurance coverage.
  Public dungeons and events ideally have an insurance policy. In order to keep it in good standing, they may be unable to allow specific types of scenes. This is often the case with erotic strangulation or fire play.
  

I encourage party hosts to make their statements clear, to write in easy language, and to try to clarify what are often considered “unspoken rules.” What you might perceive as common sense may not be that common, or make sense to everyone.

• Rules driven by safety.
  Fire in a space with overhanging draperies is a recipe for potential disaster. Suspension from a point that might look sturdy but is built for hanging plants is, too. You may not know the details of a situation, but arguing your point in the middle of the dungeon in the middle of the party is inappropriate. Hash it out prior to or after the event.
  

• Rules driven by past incidents.
  An accidental needle-stick to someone’s foot as a result of improper disposal might lead to the relegation of temporary piercings to a contained area. Likewise, that weird rule about no hemp rope in the play-space may stem from concerns because someone once had a severe allergic reaction. Regardless, respect the wishes of the space.
  

• Rules driven by culture.
  Leather culture might have rules on wardrobe appropriateness, while female-dominant-only gatherings might require all men in attendance to bring gifts for the party hostess. Rules may also be driven by the ethnic, socioeconomic and religious culture of a gathering. If something seems odd or you’re baffled, it’s OK to ask politely what motivated the hosts to establish the particular rule.
  

• Rules driven by preference or emotional issues.
  Sometimes, people specifically host parties and events so that they can ensure safe space as they see it. If someone has a severe phobia around the sound of whips cracking, they may host a whip-free party. If the host of the party has a fear of clowns, they may have a rule against clowns, mimes, and circus characters at their events. Likewise, a party that insists on a latex-only dress code might be the ultimate fantasy for the host, and departing from that stringent limitation would diminish the effect that they are endeavoring to create.
  

Types of rules you may encounter

While rules vary from region to region and gathering to gathering, there are some common themes that appear over and over again.

• Hours.
  When does the space open or close? Are there guidelines around noise, or stipulations about how loud you can be at certain hours (the volume has to drop at 1:00AM in consideration of the neighbors)? Awareness of time limits can help you avoid setting up for that epic scene, then finding out the party is set to close in twenty minutes.
  

• Wardrobe.
  Many events include dress codes; see
  Chapter 3
  for examples. Some events may be very specific about what you need to wear, while others will list excluded textiles. Wardrobe rules may specify whether you can be nude, wear a g-string, or must remain fully dressed. Keep in mind that there may be legal issues at stake, so keep nipples and genitals covered unless specifically permitted. Parties may also require event badges and wrist bands. It doesn’t matter if the green wrist band clashes with your orange PVC dress; in the words of
  Project Runway’s
  Tim Gunn, “make it work.”
  

• House safeword.
  So me parties have a word like “red” or “safeword” which is considered a safeword for everyone at the party. Bottoms, tops, switches and slaves, ponies and puppies and fetishists alike can use the term to stop the action. House safewords override private and personal safeword systems. Even if you do not personally use safe-words, if someone calls a house safeword during a scene, the hosts and venue will still honor it and investigate the situation.
  

• Drinking & drugs.
  So me venues have bars at the party itself, and others have strong rules that even one drink with dinner beforehand is a serious offense. There are some who find recreational use of mind-altering substances to be an integral part of play, while others are uncomfortable adding any chemicals to the system when play already creates altered states of consciousness. Remember — just because a party is okay with drinking does not mean it is the right choice for you. Know and respect yourself and your limits.
  

• Swinging & sex.
  Some kink events allow sex, some do not. Of those that do, you will find that some encourage it between established partners, and still others encourage swinging, partner-swapping, orgies and other anonymous or group sexual play. No matter the format, events that allow sex will probably have rules or an established culture around what is appropriate, and what safer sex protocols are expected. Learn as much as you can beforehand, and observe as much as you can when initially exploring the party or event you’re attending. For example, some spaces ban sex for sale for legal reasons, ban unprotected sex due to health code constraints, or restrict sexual activity from specific rooms (such as the area where food is served). If the party has safer sex rules, follow them. Even if you have been fluid-bonded for 25 years, respect the space; follow the rules or play elsewhere. If a DM brings you safer sex supplies, do not take it as an offense, they are just reinforcing party rules or culture.
  

As an alcoholic in recovery, I like to know in advance if the venue allows adult beverages along with their adult activities. While I am not personally perturbed by others consuming alcohol, part of my self-care involves having as much information as possible about the vibe around booze before I arrive.

• Recording.
  In the era of cell phones, digital cameras, and other personal recording technology, an assumption of “record first, ask later” has taken over much of our culture at large. The exact opposite applies to kink communities, where many venues have very strict limitations restricting recording devices of any kind. Some don’t even allow cell phones on site, because most phones these days have cameras. Other venues, like street fairs, are free-range open-air photo opportunities, and people often will take a photo without asking. It is optimal to ask first before recording audio, video, still images . . . or even transcribing someone’s words. Do ask party hosts if any electronic or recording devices are present or permitted. If in doubt, leave your recording devices at home, in your room, locker, car, etc.
  

  With that said, as we progress into the digital age, you will find that fetish balls are not the only events being recorded for posterity. In fact, some events feature staff photographers, are streamed live on the Internet, are simulcast between venues, and more. It is appropriate for venues to inform attendees before they arrive that events are being recorded or are part of a live feed, and to obtain explicit writen consent as well as model releases if the footage may be used for commercial purposes. Some parties will provide armbands that identify whether or not participants are willing to be photographed. However, if in doubt, and until you know and trust the venue, protect your identity if concerned . . . or ask in advance!
  

• Have Fun!
  Yup, this is on rules sheets too, sometimes. In such cases, it is not just a tongue-in-cheek comment. It may be a request from party hosts to have you leave your drama at the door, or leave the party if you’re having a hard night.
  

Dungeon Dos and Don’ts

Instead of rules, may venues may have party or play space etiquette. These are the do’s and don’ts of a specific venue or gathering — some of which are clearly outlined, some of which are considered common sense. Also, know that a party’s culture around the rules listed above may be considered etiquette, and thus not written down anywhere.