Playing Well With Others (37 page)

Amongst many in the kink, leather and BDSM communities, the Prime Directive is a guiding principle in well-balanced power-exchange relationships. It elegantly creates a system designed to keep everyone healthy and facilitate compassionate interactions:

It is the primary responsibility of the slave to protect the master’s property at all times, up to and including protecting the property from the master. This version of the Prime Directive can be modified to suit your personal dynamic. The essence is that your
first
job is to maintain your emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. To be transparent, to speak honestly about where you are, to share when you are struggling: this is how you create and maintain safe space. And, furthermore,
not
sharing your issues is in direct conflict with the best practices for the relationship. Whatever your dynamic, however (or if) you exchange power, this system is a brilliant way to provide a fail-safe when things get rocky, or are in flux.

• Things that conflict with our morals or values.
  

• Physical limitations or activities that are beyond your performance capacity.
  

• Psychological triggers or landmines that may “go off” in our psyche.
  

• Personal squicks or things that make us uncomfortable.
  

• Ideas we find scary or threatening.
  

• Risks or concerns that would compromise our relationships.
  

• Trauma from our past.
  

• Concerns about physical, mental, emotional or social repercussions.
  

• Play in which we have engaged repeatedly.
  

• Play in which we have never engaged.
  

We strongly recommend against renegotiating limits mid-scene. “While limits can change for some folks with time and exposure to new ideas, this is certainly not the case for everyone. Some things will not shift. We are, however, dynamic creatures, so renegotiating limits is worth considering from time to time. Tools like the checklist system presented in
Appendix 3
are great for doing just that.

Medical realities and concerns

Do you have allergies, old injuries, asthma or diabetes? Are you on medication? Do you wear glasses, contacts, hearing aids or prosthetics? Are you receiving ongoing mental health treatment or have phobias that might affect the play you are doing? Sharing these details during negotiation can reduce the chance that these challenges will be triggered during a scene. If you do have medical realities that may affect play, it is also worthwhile to let folks know what to do if these issues come up. Even if you don’t see the relevance of a particular medical condition to your scene, share as much information as you can with your partners. That way, if the unexpected does occur, everyone is up to speed on the health conditions of their partner. Tops and dominants, this is important for you too! If, for example, you forget to take your medication and have a blood-sugar drop, the people you’re playing with should know that getting you a snack should be a priority.

After testing positive for HSV I and HSV II, I experienced a volley of emotional reactions to the diagnosis. Never having had an outbreak or a cold sore, I was shocked. I dreaded having to tell potential partners about being a carrier for Herpes. I decided to simply incorporate disclosure of my status into larger conversations about the prevalence of STDs, and talk about the statistics around transmission rates. Rather than experiencing rejection or disgust, I found people wanting to discuss their own diagnoses, or get better information about risk abatement.

As un-sexy as it may sound, if sexual contact is on the table, all involved parties
must
discuss safer sex limits. (See
Appendix 4E
for information on STDs, STIs and safer sex options.) Everyone has their own limits; however, we feel best practices include treating all partners as if they are potentially positive for a sexually transmitted disease. Not everyone will disclose their status, either through deliberate omission or because they simply haven’t been tested. Therefore, we suggest defaulting to the highest reasonable level of protection between yourself and your partners.

But You Look Fine

Just because someone’s disability is not visible does not mean they do not have a disability. Lupus, fibromyalgia, joint injuries, cognition differences and more can affect how someone plays - or not! Don’t make assumptions on whether someone is differently abled in some way, or whether their disability actually affects their ability to play.

Aftercare

What does aftercare look like for you? For some folks, this is hours curled up talking, wrapped in fuzzy blankets, nibbling dark chocolate. For others, it’s both parties hopping up, hugging each other, and going their separate ways. Still others crave being kicked into a dark corner to revel in their abject misery, or being left alone to jerk off.

No two people’s approaches to aftercare are identical. Knowing what you are likely to need for yourself is the first step. Finding out what your partner is likely to want immediately afterwards (or a week later, or after six months have elapsed) is important. Sometimes, poor aftercare can be the tipping point where a wonderful scene slides over into the realm of an unpleasant memory. Sometimes, the top’s or dominant’s need for aftercare falls by the wayside. It is important to remember that everyone involved in the exchange of energy will have needs which need to be met post-scene.

Will the top want a follow-up phone call the next day? Might the bottom want a check-in later that night at the party, and otherwise to be left alone for the week? Does someone expect to be glued at the hip, to sleep in the same bed, to process verbally for the next four hours after the scene? Perhaps both partners are not into elaborate aftercare.

Some people think creatively about mismatched aftercare needs. If the dominant partner needs cuddles after he’s been the bad guy, but their partner has another date, can the aftercare be outsourced to a friend? Others may choose tools like pre-care, where partners cuddle or engage in other activities that are often perceived as aftercare
before
the scene. No matter what shape aftercare may or may not take, it is important to negotiate in advance, and then make certain you follow through.

For those into intense scenes where re-connecting within the context of the play isn’t feasible or desired, I recommend “aftercare buddies.” This can be as simple as a friend who will just sit with you and talk for a bit while you get your feet back underneath you, or as intimate as a partner who takes you home for post-play love-making.

Setting Play Dates

Making dates to play doesn’t have to be an epic production, an elaborate courtship ritual, or a daunting proposition. Sometimes, just asking for time to connect is the best approach. The “wanna do some stuff?” technique (as compared to “do you want to play?”) was introduced formally by long-time kinkster Phillip the Foole. We like it because it leaves so many options available, and can free negotiations from our pre-conceived notions or limited ideas about what “play” might mean.

One of the things that is different between playing at an event as compared to playing at home (or in a hotel, or at the beach, or . . . ) is that many folks choose to set play dates. A play date is a kink-centric tryst, established in advance, where we plan to connect with another individual. We can set play dates before or during an event. We can have them with ourselves, our partners, our play partners, or people that are new to us, depending on our situation and desires.

Think of setting a play date in the same way one might consider setting up any other date. The steps for the initiator of a play might look like this:

It is a lot more work to avoid someone who is interested in playing with you than to politely tell them “No.” Dodging people in the halls to avoid them asking again is stressful. Don’t say “not now” unless you mean “not now.”

• Consider your interest.
  

• Demonstrate your interest.
  

• See if they are interested.
  

• Propose the idea of doing some stuff together.
  

• Discuss what everyone is interested in doing together.
  

• Confirm interest and negotiate plans.
  

• Get together at the pre-arranged time.
  

• Explore the activities or time together.
  

Showing interest can take many forms. An email, a note on a social networking site, an in-person conversation, or being introduced by mutual friends are all great ways to initiate interaction. In most cases, there is an opportunity provided to connect first as people, making sure there is in-person chemistry before a more specific proposal of play takes place.

Once a time and location have been set to get together for your play date, it is important to keep that date. What gets in the way of people keeping their dates?

Setting up a play date and then not showing up can really hurt someone’s feelings. If you must cancel, please take the time to communicate it compassionately.