Playing Well With Others (17 page)

• Make and manage
  your online profiles to reflect what you are looking for and how you want to connect with others. See “Managing Your Virtual Self in
  Chapter 5
  .
  

• Find online communities
  for your specific desires. Even if no one else in your area is into Marshmallow Fire Play, someone else online probably is, and may even have a discussion group for it.
  

• Be on time
  for your virtual gathering — and make sure that you confirm what time zone the meeting time is set in.
  

• Please Note:
  Share inspirations, but respect copyrights. Pretending that you wrote something, or took a picture, or are someone you are not is a great way to piss people off.
  

  Be aware of how much time and energy you are spending online. Compare it to how much you get out of the experience. Make sure the ratio of input to output makes sense.
  

  Get involved with conversations after reading what others have said on various topics, listening to the podcast being discussed, or having actually looked into the issue or event in question. Posting new/ original material is a great way to connect, but so is giving thoughtful response to the writings and thoughts of others . . . while talking out of your ass, or trolling, is rarely appreciated.
  

Other Major Categories of Events

Special Interest Groups (SIG) and subculture gatherings

Special Interest Groups (SIGs) cover a wide variety of topics. They are places for people with a shared fetish or kinky passion (or shared experience of challenges) to connect with one another, rather than trying to find these folks amidst a sea of general kink. SIGs might be classes, munches, conferences, parties, or something else entirely.

We have seen SIGs on such topics as: rope bondage, masters/dominants only, slaves/submissives only, latex fetish, food play, age-based roleplay/littles, spanking, professional sex workers, new people to the scene (aka newbies/nov-ice), flash-mob kink, human animals, anal fisting, mutual masturbation (aka jack and/or jill parties), hypnosis, 18-35 years old (aka The Next Generation, or TNG for short), age 55+, tantra/sacred sex, as well as specific religious affiliations, sexual orientations, gender experiences, and much, much more. In fact, some SIGs are not about a sexual desire, but are instead about social consciousness, such as political activism, people of color, health care reform, or interfacing with law enforcement. If you want a SIG for your special topic, feel free to create one — either as a stand-alone group, or as a sub-group of a larger organization. This is, of course, after you see if one already exists.

Remember, though — just because someone shares your fetish, does not mean they share your politics or are automatically going to be your best friends. In addition, different sub-populations have different cultures. For example, many gay men’s furry (animal mascot/costume) spaces are often known for having casual touch between strangers and friends alike (which often applies to a smaller degree in gay men’s kink spaces in general), while heterosexual power exchange spaces can be very constrained in levels of protocol and permission needed for touch.

Fetish model, adult film & pro events

These events are a chance to meet your favorite performers and professionals in the sexuality community, learn about new ones, watch them receive awards, network with them and their clients and fans, and, potentially, hire them. You will see professionals in sexy outfits hawking their DVDs, magazines, or sexy selves, while non-professionals ogle them, ask questions, get signatures, shop, or dance and party until dawn.

Some events allow you to book photo/video or domination sessions with the professionals. Pay people for their time, whether financially or in fair trade: this is their profession, and they should be respected for their work. Ask what their rates are. Remember, you’re paying not only for your fantasy or the project at hand, but all the gear, prep time, space rentals, their training, and the ability to get what you are looking for. In turn, remember that laws on sex work and professional domination vary from region to region. Every individual has their own boundaries as to what they will and will not offer or do, and whether on the side of the professional or the client, those boundaries
must
be respected. Don’t offer to pay extra for unlawful activities during your session . . . that is
illegal.

Pampered pleasure

Kink-themed cruises, spas, bed and breakfasts, and all-inclusive vacation opportunities or resorts are a chance to explore our desires while indulging in life lived large. If you can dream it, it might just exist. Human pony farms where you can sleep in a barn, a matriarchy where all men are slaves while on site, spa retreats in Palm Springs for single leather bears into other bears, cruises for swinger couples to party their way across the Caribbean and go deep-sea fishing in full latex . . . these are all fantasies that have been made real.

I went to a kinky B&B in Australia that had a 24/7 on-call slave. I could push a buzzer in my room, and her vibrator would go off, knowing I needed something. My Boy and I of course decided we needed her to bring us water at 3 a.m. after playing until late, because, well, how could we not?

Some are very rustic, some are high luxury. Asking for photographs of the venue in advance, or asking others who have gone before, can help you set your expectation level. In addition, ask if there are extra costs beyond registration. Some of these opportunities are truly all-inclusive, while some may have extra cost for additional opportunities, or may not include travel costs in the price tag.

Charity events and fundraisers

Though many charity events and fundraisers take place at title competitions, hotel conferences, and pride festivals, some stand alone. These include auctions of all kinds (silent auctions, live auctions, online auctions, auctions of scenes with well-known kinky people as well as locals and celebrity perverts), raffles, beer busts, people doing embarrassing/humorous things in exchange for funds raised, selling swag (pins, t-shirts), bootblacking, taking pledges for kinky/fun acts (such as a masturbate-a-thon), classes, dances or play parties with proceeds going to charity. Budget in advance to donate a few dollars beyond the door entry (or a few extra cans of food); you may inspire others to do the same — and it adds up.

Ask for whom, or for what organization the charity monies are being raised. Fundraisers may benefit titleholder travel funds, kink charities, local organizations, food banks, women’s shelters, breast or prostate cancer research, HIV hospice, LGBT centers, and many more. However, not all things called fundraisers are actually there to raise money. They may be “awareness raisers” — which are important, but different. If you know what the charity is, you might have creative ideas on how to help — for example, if you don’t have money to give, you might have frequent flyer miles to donate to a travel fund, or clothes to the local homeless shelter.

And remember, if the fundraiser is something involving bootblack-ing. tip your bootblack. The art of leather care takes time and energy to develop as a skill set, and even if the bootblack is donating their time to the cause with funds raised going to the charity, tipping beyond the amount listed will help them pay for the cost of materials used and show them they are appreciated.

All ages / family gatherings

The intricacies of family life within the world of kink have become increasingly complex as our communities age. There are parents, grandparents, and extended families of choice raising biological children — and sometimes these kinky people want to hang out with other kinky people and their kids in an explicitly non-kink environment. This concept was introduced in the poly-amory and lesbian communities, but has caught on in various parts of other alternative communities, including the BDSM, leather and kink worlds. These gatherings might include barbecues or ice cream socials with people having non-kink conversations and kids getting to play games with other kids. These can be fantastic ways to get to know people beyond their kinky selves, and create multi-axis friendships.

Keep the conversations kid-friendly, and if in doubt, ask the parents of said child what level of discussion is appropriate. Different people raise their kids with different levels of kink exposure, and though the generalities of the alternative lifestyle might be known to them, it is not appropriate to discuss details or explicit information with children. In addition, think twice about listing these events, as a host, on adult-only websites: a family-style gathering is probably best left off of kink-centric social media.

Relationship commitments and celebrations

From simple ceremonies of one person on their knees quietly receiving a collar while both parties make vows, to huge affairs with rings exchanged in full fetish regalia and an orgy afterwards, or something else entirely off the map — the kink community, like every other community in the world, has moments where individuals, couples or groups make commitments public before family (of birth or choice) and friends. Every relationship has its own style and its own approach to these rituals.

If invited to attend, ask what kind of celebration or ceremony this will be. Is this a wedding, collaring, branding, gifting of leathers, or earning of colors? Will it be solemn or celebratory? Also ask what your role is, if that has not been made clear. Is there an unspoken request to have you bear witness, be in a gang bang, sign legal contracts, be part of a paddling gauntlet, or watch something beautiful/extreme? It is best to confirm rather than assume. In turn, just like any other commitment ceremonies in the default world, do not invite anyone else without asking first. The venue may only have room for forty people, there may be catering issues, or the celebrants may be selective of whose “energy” they want present.

Memorials and honoring our dead

Every tribe mourns those who have passed on. Funerals, celebrations, remembrances, and wakes all take place within the kink community. We shed tears, tell stories, scream our rage, give each other hugs, and occasionally throw parties in our friends’ memory.

As part of this process, it is important to remember the notion of respect. Respect the needs of those who have been left behind. Some individuals may be in trauma or suffering deep grief; they may want to hear the funny story about their deceased partner or friend, or may not. Respect the deceased, and who they were. This does not mean putting them up on a pedestal, nor does it mean pointing out at a funeral that they were not who some might be making them out to be. This also means asking who is welcome at these gatherings, and knowing that in some cases these gatherings may be a mix of biological and chosen family, kinky and non-kinky alike.

By remembering the departed, we honor the memory of those who came before, both as good examples and otherwise, and pass on their tales and lessons to the next generation. Bequeathing leathers, toys and objects from those who have gone before fosters a sense of tradition. With more and more multi-generation biological families in the kink community, it will be interesting to see how this tradition, as well as acknowledgement ceremonies for the beginning of life, will shift in the years to come.

. . . And Even More?

The previous 27 categories of events and their variations are a great start. Now it’s your turn. Dream outside the box — look out there, see what you might find! New variations and approaches to alternative lifestyle events are evolving all the time, but the classics are classics for a reason.

Now that you have an idea of what kinds of events might appeal to you. it’s time to begin planning for making attending these events a success. Who defines success? You do, of course!

Chapter 4

The Pre-Game Plan: Planning, Budgeting, Packing and Getting There