Playing Well With Others (7 page)

Try on different hats!

As a sexual adventurer, you can feel free to explore a myriad of self-identifications, labels and identities. Some of us come into the scene just knowing that we are hardwired hardcore dominant sadists, only to discover that receiving a nice over-the-knee spanking is highly titillating. In fact, who says you can’t be a dominant sadist who loves spankings? Don’t let a commitment to a label impede your explorations and limit your freedom.

I do love to play dress-up! And I love to be comfortable. I refuse to let my style choices be dictated by the comfort level of someone else. When I first entered the kink scene, I was shy about being naked: I was not fetish-model skinny. Then I saw people of all shapes, sizes and abilities doing all manner of things in all styles of dress and undress and realized that I was always going to be me, in a custom corset, leather skirt and boots, or in a pair of Crocs and a sundress.

A label or two can be a useful place to start exploration, a conversation, or as a way to be turned on by hearing them from a lover’s mouth, but may not be the perfect option for everyone. And if one label doesn’t suit you, try, try again! You might be a dominant, end of story. However there are dominant masochists, slave-identified sadists, owners who switch . . . the permutations are only limited by your personal limits, desires and boundaries. As you grow into your kinky self, you will find some labels stick for the duration, some are fleeting, and still others you’d never considered may well be perfect for you many years down the road. Long-term success in the kink community walks hand-in-hand with authentic expression, and forcing yourself into a given stereotype, box or label may be at odds with the true fullness of who you are.

Own your ethics and don’t check them at the door.

When you step onto the path of self-discovery and exploration through kink and all that it includes, you enter as an individual, with your own inner compass, morals, ideals, limits and belief system. There may be pressure to change, or adapt, and there may well be people who strongly believe that the way they’ve chosen is not only good for them, it is good for you, too. Being buffeted by the opinions of others can seem overwhelming, especially if your ethics are at odds with the flow of the majority of people in the broader community. Taking stock in yourself, trusting that you know you best, and that your beliefs ought not be compromised according to the whims and vagaries of others, can help ground you. Doing what you know is right for you will go a long way towards keeping an even keel when the seas of public opinion get rough.

If you don’t like it, don’t do it.

This seems obvious, but peer pressure is a bitch. Not everyone is into flog-gers, pudding wrestling, group sex, or straitjackets. But when you walk into the party, or see miles of discussion on the Internet about how the ultimate high is inverted suspension while being set on fire and eating caviar, suddenly you may find yourself caught up in the passion of public opinion and cast around for someone to hang you up, light you up and feed you sturgeon roe. And if that is truly what you desire, go for it (after proper training of course). However, subjecting yourself to an activity simply because it seems like the cool thing to do can lead to a rather empty feeling.

This goes for all participants in a scene. Dominants and top-identified folks are also pressured to be fluent in all sorts of skill sets because it is often expected of them to do so. Being able to throw a ten-foot bullwhip with stunning accuracy takes a great deal of time, energy and practice. If whips don’t particularly turn you on, but you think you have to throw a whip to be cool, then your heart probably isn’t in the task. It doesn’t matter what the cool kids are doing.

It’s fine for you to say “no” to something, even if it is a classic staple of kink. In fact, it is vital that you say “No, thanks!” when you don’t want to do something. Permitting others to pressure you, acquiescing to it, then having “buyer’s remorse” isn’t fair to you and it isn’t fair to your friends, lovers and partners. When in doubt, wait it out. Give yourself time to consider and ponder your desires. Then do what fuels your imagination, your desires, and your passions.

Respect others in the scene.

Interacting with respect makes it more likely that others will respect us in turn. It’s also just a nice thing to do. We have explored some ways to treat yourself with respect when entering the scene. Flip these ideas around, apply them to others you may encounter, and you are starting off on a path of positive interaction and respectful communication.

Respect their boundaries.

Just as it is critical for you to have your boundaries respected, it is vital that you honor the boundaries of others. Sometimes, people who have been around in the scene for a while will assume that a boundary or a “limit” is something that should be pushed, or that someone only has a boundary because they are new, or because they just haven’t tried it. Pushing someone else’s boundaries is not a decision that random folk can make: if someone has said “no” to something, do not pester them on that point. This means listening when folks say “no,” and also when they say “yes.” A graceful acceptance of a boundary establishes you as someone who treats people well, and helps to create one of the most valuable items of capital in our community: trust.

Full-time? Part-time? Sometimes? Play-time?

There are people in the community who call it home. You will encounter individuals for whom kink is their full-time experience, such as individuals following a path of mastery/slavery, sacred kink, or leather. On the other hand, that kinky stuff may be something in which folks indulge only occasionally, or only as part of their bedroom activities. Respect the degree of involvement of the people with whom you interact; one approach is not “better,” more “serious” or more “real” than any other.

Respect voices and opinions.

There will be people who will offer you advice and opinions, and who will freely share their thoughts with you. And this is great! Of course, opinions are like assholes . . . we all have them. And not all opinions are created equal. It can seem like some people offer their opinions and advice with the weight of authority, and that they need to be taken seriously. Experience, talent and perseverance often are hallmarks of those who have proven themselves knowledgeable and reliable . . . but sometimes just hanging around long enough gives people gravitas beyond that which they’re entitled to.

If someone is offering advice, teaching or sharing information, you can, if nothing else, respect their effort. Be open to listening to what they are sharing before making snap decisions as to whether or not it has value. That sassy young whippersnapper who has only been to one play party, yet spouts off about safety, may be a doctor with real-time knowledge backed by a certain amount of authority. And that twenty-nine year veteran of perversion may well be ignorant of power exchange dynamics. Keep an open mind about the value of the information being shared, see how well it resonates with you, take what you need and leave the rest.

Respect every type of body.

You will encounter folks who are thin and fat, tall and short, ebony-dark and pale-skinned. There are individuals covered in fur and shaved smooth, with implants ranging from breasts to horns and everything in-between. There are male, female, intersexed, transgender, and third-gendered bodies of all sorts. Whether people use wheelchairs or sport high heels (or use wheelchairs while sporting high heels), they each have their own beauty. Mocking or denigrating other people in any way displays a fundamental lack of respect. You may disagree with a choice someone has made in how to modify their body, or you find a particular body type does not spur your libido, and that is your right as a discerning human. However, respectful treatment of others, regardless of your personal opinion, may open you to growth and learning, and can challenge some of your assumptions about yourself and other people. When you treat people of all physical types with respect and dignity, you foster a truly open and accepting community.

Respect people’s complexity and humanity.

People are not one-dimensional cardboard cutouts. They did not show up to make all of your hot, sweaty, delicious twisted fantasies come true. We know, we know . . . total downer. But the fact remains: they had a life before this moment with you, and will exist after you leave. Just as you aren’t there to fulfill the fantasies of the person in front of you, they aren’t here to fulfill your every fantasy and whim.

Respecting people’s humanity first is a great way to get to know folks and create quality interactions. Crawling across the dungeon on your knees and licking the sleek sexy boots of that hot dominant, or grabbing the nearest seemingly compliant submissive by the hair and bending them to your will, may seem hot as hell. But first and foremost, we are humans — with thoughts, feelings, emotions, strong suits, weaknesses, fears and dreams. Treating folks as fully manifested beings rather than instant fantasy objects can help you to get to that hot hair-pulling boot-licking scene later on.

Don’t touch other people without explicit permission.

Some people love touch, and some subsections of the community can be very touchy-feely. Others enjoy formality and may only wish to shake hands, while still others eschew physical touch from strangers or find handshakes physically painful. There are those for whom any sort of touch is a profound intimacy, and others who embrace and kiss on first meetings. You will, in all likelihood, feel more comfortable in some situations and less so in others. But there is a great way to minimize awkwardness and boundary overstepping: ask permission.

Sometimes you can take cues from other people around you. Other times, appearances can be deceptive. The fact that someone is being tied up and manhandled by a bunch of people is not an invitation for you to jump in uninvited — ask someone if you can touch the bound person, too, before you do. Hovering in tight proximity can feel very invasive for some folks, too. There are rare parties where a “free-for-all” attitude is encouraged, and others where rigid protocols for addressing dominant and submissive individuals are stipulated. Read the rules and guidelines of these gatherings before you attend.

You lookin’ at me?

Most people who are involved in scenes that take place in open play space do so because they enjoy sharing their scenes, their energy, and like to be watched. They might have an exhibitionistic streak, or are pushing their boundaries around playing in public. We encourage you to be a respectful voyeur. The kink community is a great place to people-watch.

However: enjoying the scene or checking out a playstyle you’ve never witnessed is one thing, staring and gasping in shock, leering at someone manically, or drooling actively is another. Invasive voyeurs do not contribute to the positive atmosphere of a gathering, and being pushy in your voyeurism can quickly get you labeled as “the creepy kinkster.” There are some exceptions, of course. There are sex clubs with a kinky slant where leering anonymous voyeurism and even wanking are encouraged as an addition to the down-n-dirty environment.

If you are at an event or a gathering, and someone is staring at you and you are uncomfortable, say something. Suffering in silence helps no one. That “creepy kinkster” may not even realize what they are doing, and politely but firmly mentioning it might be the catalyst they need to raise their awareness. If you aren’t comfortable doing so, mention it to the party hosts, dungeon staff, or event organizers. They want everyone to have an enjoyable time, and usually want to know if there is something troubling one of their guests. That way, everybody plays, and everybody wins.

Hey! That’s my stuff!

Never presume to grab hold of people’s bags, toys, jewelry, wardrobe, or any other of all those things and accoutrements that people may possess to facilitate their kink. Unless it is freely offered, or a sign indicates that something is for public use, always ask first. Sometimes folks will say yes, but grabbing without asking is rarely viewed as a charming behavior. This is especially true for collars, jewelry, and leather items, which may have profound meaning to the wearer or bearer.

Be aware of your conversational intimacy.

What you perceive as being intimate may not be the same as what others perceive as being intimate. You might consider that conversation about the size and magnificence of your genitals to be totally casual, while others might find it to be too much information. Discussing your bruised ass might be par for your course, but might be wildly inappropriate even for your closest friend. If you aren’t sure, ask. Saying “Hey, I had a great scene, may I share it with you?” gives you the opportunity to respect their limits. Likewise, if someone is sharing in a way that is beyond your comfort level, let them know. Respect the time and place. In the elevator at the kink convention while you are crowded in with a family of five is not respectful of their boundaries.