Playing Well With Others (3 page)

Because it is a challenge.

Screaming, moaning, and tears are not always a negative thing. They can be a tool for pushing through our fears, purging our personal demons, and therapeutically releasing pain from the past. For those who long for catharsis, kink practices may help them face their fears and sorrows, embrace them, and reclaim their bodies or personal power. In some parts of the kink community, this sort of BDSM practice is often referred to as “work” rather than “play,” because work can be required to dive into the underworld of our spirit and come back again. By creating scenarios or “scenes” where our challenges can be faced in the form of ordeals, we can reprogram ourselves, find personal strength, and discover new frontiers of our being. For others it is not about pushing past our limits or demons, but finding power in acknowledging our limits and embracing our ability to stand up and say “no.”

Many individuals come across these transformations during their journeys, even when such experiences were not planned. The opportunity to overcome shame, explore boundaries, and reach into the shadows of ourselves can leave us profoundly altered. Not all of these revelations are easy to accept, but sometimes we do not want or need the easy path in our lives — whether facing our own strength and suffering, or discovering some new part of our true selves hiding behind the masks they wear in their daily lives.

Because we want to connect with others.

For some individuals, kink activities are a way to express love, passion, desire, devotion and connection. When we feel our power or pleasure reflected in a lover’s eyes, we have the opportunity to connect with them on a whole new level. Exploring erotic trust games can deepen and intensify the levels of intimacy between partners, even long-time companions. Using kink as a way to get into our significant other’s heads can also create a deep sense of oneness or attachment.

Romance, love and affection for a partner (or partners) is another reason some individuals explore kink. It can feel great, and be a means toward closer bonding, when someone helps their lover fulfill a fantasy. Some do kink out of a sense of obligation, to a partner to whom they are profoundly bonded — and even there, many find satisfaction in giving pleasure, pain, or other blissful and desired sensations to those we cherish. There are those who fall in love as a result of these deep glimpses into the hearts and minds of another.

Participation in these communities can be the gateway through which some individuals pass in order to build families of choice, tribes of the heart, places they feel they belong. For those who feel that power exchange or non-egalitarian relationships feel more fitting than an association between “equals,” exploring kink can be a wonderful way to find those who understand their desires.

Because it is personal and profound exploration.

Though many people engage in kink for fun and to indulge hedonistic desires, there are others who are called to their erotic exploration as a tool for spiritual, energetic or personal exploration. For these individuals, kink is a tool for altered states of consciousness, and sensation is a quest for transcendence.

By playing with taboos, breath, rhythm and ritual, some individuals can fulfill a spiritual calling, connect to divinity, or embrace their faith. History has a rich collection of energetic psychonauts who used sexual or bodily practice to connect with the universe or specific spiritual traditions. Others use similar techniques to embrace their personal identities or gender, re-claim their own unique journey, or find profound self-awareness. This can include finding clarity of thought that strips away ego and leaves the journeyer aware of their pure instincts.

Some are called to harnessing and channeling power, some to consciously relinquishing power to another, others to expressing vulnerability, still others to finding acceptance for themselves and their dreams. Some may see themselves on a pilgrimage with kink and sacredness entwined, the path and the journey and the destination flowing seamlessly into one another. Some folks seek this quest specifically; still others find themselves wide-eyed with wonder at a newly discovered spirituality within the realm of the kink.

I believe that all spiritual practices have, at some point in their development, looked to the mortification of the flesh, to service, to slavery and submission as vital pillars of their foundation. Whether the mortification of the flesh is actual flogging, or the deprivations of fasting, pilgrimages or rigorous meditation, this is a universal theme. Whether the submission, service or slavery is to god, to a spouse, to the church, or to the spiritual practice, all of these activities have been nestled within spiritual and religious rituals since they first took root. ~Mollena

Why are YOU into kink?

Reflecting on what draws you to the wide varieties of sexual adventure out there will help you understand why you might want to be part of a kink community. It will also help you determine what kinds of kink gatherings are right for you, and what intent might serve you best for making this adventure be the best it possibly can be for you.

If you are embarking on this adventure into the community with a lover, a partner, a friend, or an entire tribe diving in together as a group, discussions about why you are exploring this lifestyle can help you learn more about each other. If you dig kink because of the profound intimacy, and your sweetie loves the risk and adrenaline rush, it can be helpful to understand the difference before jumping on that ride together.

It can take a profound act of bravery to embrace all aspects of ourselves, and it takes gumption to put trust in yourself enough to seek your joy, even if it is the road less traveled. Taking responsibility for our desires and our actions is a big deal. Deciding to explore kink, regardless of whether you bask in it occasionally or immerse yourself in the murkiest depths, is a testament to your personal responsibility and commitment to living a deeply authentic life.

Why Join the Community?

Before we go any further let us state clearly —
you do not have to be part of a public community to be kinky.

Seriously.

Lots of folks engage in kinky behaviors every day and they are not a part of any public group, have never attended play parties and are very happy staying at home on their own, with lovers, or with close friends. Some private players might dip occasionally into the wider world to gather inspiration, to socialize, even to meet new partners — and then quietly exit stage left, going about their lives. Even if the thought of diving in to a huge kinky jamboree holds zero interest for you, there is plenty of helpful information in the following pages that may help to illuminate your very individual, personal explorations.

As we go through this book, though, you will find many excellent reasons why people choose to get involved with the community, such as creating support networks, checking a potential partner’s references, finding places to learn or play, gathering allies for creating fantasies, and more. When we talked with a bunch of kinksters about why they are into kink, these were their responses. The answers are as varied as the individuals who offered them. We hope they can help you decide what aspects of the kink community appeal to you, what degree of involvement is right for you, and what you might hope to gain from your journey.

“I like to look!”

Going to kink gatherings can provide you with a veritable smorgasbord of eye candy. The diversity of bodies, stunning wardrobe selections, and beautiful beings of all genders, sizes, shapes and orientations provide a great chance for voyeurs to get their peep on and for all of us to be inspired into our own magnificence. And then there’s what those bodies get up to! Hot scenes, sensual connections, humbled men kneeling in corners, women straining against their cuffs, genderqueer switches turning the tables on their partners, human-animal creatures prowling on all fours . . . the chance to see our porn, our fantasies, take life before our eyes can be incredibly titillating.

“I like being with peers and making friends”

It is human nature to want to connect with like-minded individuals, and the desire to find peers who understand our sexual journeys is no different. Those who can acknowledge and accept our desires freely, and embrace our journeys as valid and worthwhile, may feel like family. The kink communities can provide opportunities to meet those who “get it.”

To get to be a freak amongst other freaks, to dance with others on the fringe of society, or to simply share our different-ness (even if the next guy’s different-ness is different from yours) can be a profound experience for those who have been seeking tribal connections. When we have had to hide or explain ourselves to death, having those around whom we can “let it all hang out” can be fulfilling indeed.

These communities can present an unparalleled opportunity to network, bond, and connect with people who you know already have a particular bent. It can be heart-warming to find a circle of friends with whom you can talk about your kinky desires without fear of them balking. The validation one feels when entering this circle can feel very much like home.

The world moves with increasing speed with every new innovation in communication. Though these advances are indispensable when it comes to our daily lives, sometimes it can feel like they leave us increasingly isolated. The beauty of finding a safe social space, a tribe, a clan, chosen family, friends, lovers, mentors, and, yes, even foils and foes can provide us with a richness that technology simply cannot match — a place where we can look people in the eyes and get a flesh-and-blood hug.

“I want to learn.”

One of the many benefits of participation in the kink communities is your access to what seems like an endless stream of information, input, advice and educational opportunities. Whether it is a peer-sharing group hanging out in someone’s living room or a full-tilt week-long kinky camp, there are many ways to avail yourself of the expertise of those who have gone before you and who are happy to share their knowledge and experience.

When I first started picking up books about kink, about leather, about BDSM, I was hesitant. This seemed like such an impenetrable, secret society. It was so complicated, with so many rules and protocols . . . I would never have a chance of understanding all of it. Once I finally went from books, articles, websites and chat rooms to real time, the light bulb went on for me. These are people, I realized . . . and not just people, these are people who are like me. I had found a place where I could be more fully “me.” It was a huge step in loving myself once I met others who accepted themselves, and accepted me as a freaky, kinky human being.

Education might cover techniques, hard science, physiology, the psychology of why we do what we do, the history of our communities, spirituality, toy and clothing maintenance . . . the topics are endless, and educators are always pushing themselves to come up with new and interesting subjects. Availing yourself of the broad variety of educational opportunities and interaction available is a great way to keep it “fresh.”

Attending a class hosted by your local group will give you access to experienced players as well as a chance to meet and talk to new folks. You may discover new playstyles, even if you are a grizzled, jaded veteran of the dungeon. The act of learning, sharing, and growing can help bond you with your fellow kinksters, and you may surprise yourselfwith the realization that you, too, have things to share! Perhaps you are an experienced event planner, rock climber, law-enforcement officer, nurse, massage therapist or carpenter. These skills and many others have utility in our communities, and you may well soon find yourself tapped to step up and teach a thing or two to the long-time players. And the folks who have been around for decades have much to teach us about the history of our communities, our origins, our traditions and that which will eventually be our legacies.