Playing Well With Others (6 page)

Most dungeons, though (also known as play spaces, kink clubs, erotic arenas, bondage dojos, sex temples and many other terms), are well kept. They are sometimes darkly lit for mood, and sometimes brightly illuminated so you can see what you are doing. Usually, play spaces are cleaned regularly, and exist within well-maintained venues. You will encounter the occasional venue that is not kept up, is rarely (if ever) cleaned, and really is downright creepy. Vote with your feet and your dollars. Try out the various venues available to you. “When you find what works for you, enjoy what that venue has to offer.

Myth #5: “Walking into a kink event makes you an available target for any type of perversion.”

DENIED!

First of all, we are all about consent. Permission must be requested and granted before any of this freaky deliciousness takes place. Period. Second, not everyone enjoys the same activities. Third, you don’t have to play in public. You can be kinky and a wholly private player. If you occasionally wish to share in the energy of an open dungeon, that is fine. If you thrive under the admiring glances of fellow kinksters, public play is your happy place. And if you never want to be seen in public playing, that is absolutely fine too. You get to make that call, and you get to change your mind if you want, down the road.

Myths Within the Community

As you discover the community, you will also discover that we have a few myths and fairy tales of our own — ideas that might not serve us so well and that can seem like hard-and-fast rules when they are actually subject to your experience, your intuition, and your interpretation. Let’s explore a few of the common ones . . .

Myth #6: “The kink community is a perfect utopia.”

DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.

Like Soylent Green, the kink community is made of people. We are a microcosm of the world at large. We are not a utopian society in which everyone is more evolved, sexier, cooler, smarter, better, faster, stronger, or floating on an ethereal cloud of spiritual and sexual enlightenment. You will run into people who rub you the wrong way, and you will eventually ruffle a few feathers, too. You will meet some jerks, closed-minded people, folks with personal beliefs and politics that are abhorrent to you, racists, misogynists, homo/hetero/transphobic individuals, left-and-right-wingnuts, and people who act as though they fart rainbows and poop cupcakes. Endeavor to keep a sense of humor, tolerance, understanding, supportiveness, acceptance, and willingness to listen, as well as share ideas and resources. And always remember: nobody — not you, not anyone else — is right all the time. Keep hold of your own ethics, your values; follow your gut and your heart.

Myth #7: “There is ‘One True Way’ to do kink right.”

NICE TRY, KID.

There are many schools of thought on how to do kink, and each of them is exactly right — for the people who do it that way. Some things, though, are usually done in specific ways in order to mitigate the chances of potential harm to ourselves and our partners; in such cases, reinventing the wheel may not be the best approach. Sanitizing toys and practicing safer sex, for example, might be “rules” that are ignored at your peril.

Individuals who are passionate about their life path and deeply invested in their approach to kink and sexuality may believe deeply that their choices are superior. This is a human thing: we come to this world with so much energy, and once we find a way that works for us it can sometimes feel like we are compelled to share our discovery with everyone — and sometimes that sharing can become a bit dogmatic. Such dogmas do not have to be shunned wholesale. Perhaps these disciples of deviance have a few ideas or methods you might incorporate into your approach, picking up just the bits that work for you. Or perhaps they do not. There is a right way to do kink for you — your way.

Myth #8: “Collars mean the same thing to everyone.”

JUMP BACK, JACK!

For some, collars are a fashion statement. Others use them as an indicator of identity. There are people who believe collars should only be worn as a statement of serious commitment to a relationship. Some dominants might wear a collar, and a collared, owned slave might not wear a collar at all. As you navigate the kink community, know that the beliefs around what these symbols of erotic expression mean will vary.

Just because someone is wearing a collar, do not assume they are free to boss around. And even if they are slave-identified, this does not mean they are
your
slave. If you see someone wearing a collar, politely ask them what the collar symbolizes, if anything, to them — it’s the only way you’ll find out.

Myth #9: “Everyone is OK with everyone else’s kink.”

IF ONLY!

There is an almost ubiquitous mantra in the kink community: “Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is OK.” It’s a great romantic ideal, and a wonderful goal. Someday, our community may achieve that level of full inclusion, tolerance, and openness. Until that day comes? Be aware that some people may not “get” what you are into, and that there may be clashes between sub-communities based on ethical framework, personal values, discomfort, life history, and more.

As people, we make judgments about what does and doesn’t work for us. But keep in mind: we are sharing the playground with people who will love differently. Vociferous and pointed attacks on others based on our own limits and belief systems is not a pathway to community, tolerance and understanding. It helps to keep in mind that, regardless of whether or not others accept your kink, you will find fellow travelers who do understand, embrace and celebrate your diversity. And you can celebrate them in turn.

Myth #10: “The past was the golden age of BDSM.”

NOT SO MUCH.

Our various origin myths are often rather romantic — that long ago there was some secret, powerful cabal of gay leather men/enlightened heterosexual swingers/wealthy European and Asian fetishists who had a single unified vision hidden away from the world at large. They were sexual masters and held the key for all wisdom and erotic evolution. There was only one way to do things “back then” and that way was the right way — and lo, we have since fallen from grace and sullied the traditions.

Of course, hindsight is not only 20-20, but often tinted with foggy, rosy, nostalgic sunglasses. Thirty years from now, folks will likely look back and laud this as the golden age.

The roots of our communities are rich, fertile grounds for research and study. However, it was not a golden age. In fact, large parts of it sucked. We are forever indebted to those who came before us as sexual explorers, who fought imprisonment, experienced abuse at the hands of police, had their children taken from them, and were murdered for their non-conformist sexual identities. The freedoms we experience today are a direct result of their struggles. Enshrining those experiences in the amber of some glowing, utopian ideal diminishes the reality of their sacrifices.

Myth #11: “Real kinksters follow formal dominant/submissive (D/S) protocols.”

THAT’S A GOOD ONE, TELL ME ANOTHER!

If anyone says they are a “real” anything in the community, or exhort you that “real” players do so-and-so, consider taking it with a grain of salt. Whether they are a “real” master, “real” slave, “real” fetishist, “real” . . . well, you get the idea . . . they have an agenda. Their agenda may be a valid one for them and their circle of friends, chosen family and partners. And it may or may not have any relation to your journey.

Some events will request, or require, that attendees follow specific behavior patterns, manners and types of etiquette. This is what many folks mean when they say a newcomer should learn “protocols”; they are encouraging the new person to learn what manners, etiquette and behavior patterns will help them integrate into their chosen community. This is good advice (especially if you are attending events with specific/formal protocol systems, where attendance is based on the willingness to follow such protocols), but knowing protocols does not make you better at being kinky, and some groups of kinky people have very casual approaches to protocol.

Myth #12: “All kinksters play SSC (’Safe, Sane and Consensual’).”

OOOOO . . . THAT ONE IS A BIT TRICKIER . . .

Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) has become an almost universal kinky catchphrase. It is a great place to start the conversation for many folks new to kink. The acronym originates from a “Statement of Purpose” released by the Gay Male SM Activists (GMSMA) of New York in 1983, and was written by slave david stein, along with board members Martin Berkenwald and Bob Gillespie. These three words proceeded to spread as an easy way to demystify kinky sex for a broader audience, and to demarcate the difference between consensual kink and predatory, abusive, antisocial behavior. Over the years, other acronyms have evolved as well. Gary Switch proposed Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) in 1999, in order to acknowledge the risks inherent in any kink activities.

At the end of the day, though, they are all acronyms — simplifications of the real desires and approaches many kinky people take to their journeys. For additional information on differentiating kink from abuse, please see
Appendix 4H:
SM vs. Abuse.

As you can see, these myths often have an origin in some truth, and may have lessons for us. They are not the be-all-end-all truth. When someone shares their truths with you, understand that their story hails from a specific voice, history, and perspective. See what resonates for you, and never stop questioning and exploring.

Courtesy and Respect

When discussing respect, we are not encouraging you to reflexively defer to people simply because of their given or assumed title, their position within their community, or their experience. We are talking about treating people courteously, about respecting their boundaries and their humanity.

We believe that individuals earn honor, esteem and high regard based on their values and behaviors. Respect and courtesy, though, belong to all of us. Here are some fundamental pillars of respectful behavior that we firmly believe will help facilitate your journey, within the kink world and beyond.

Respect yourself.

That’s right: respect starts with that person in the mirror. It is absolutely critical that you maintain a solid level of self-esteem and respect for your humanity, your needs, wants, passions, limits and boundaries. Whether you are brand new to the community or have been around the block more times than you’d like to count, you can’t have a sound foundation for your journey unless you have a healthy respect for yourself. Lack of self-respect can lead you to sublimate your own needs, be vulnerable to those who might take advantage of you, and experience unnecessary ennui. And we don’t want that. You are the one living in your body: treat that individual with the utmost respect, and you will find that others are more likely to do so too.

Be honest and maintain personal integrity.

Sometimes, we can get caught up in a wave of new experiences and sensations, or after a time lose sight of our own internal compass. Examining your motives and acknowledging internal conflicts can facilitate a healthy level of self-respect. Keeping your truth at the forefront can help you to take the course that will be in your best interest. Respecting yourself enough to embrace your truth will serve as a blueprint for how others can respect you as well.

Respect your gut instincts.

The gut instinct, or “that little voice in your head,” is a helpful ally in your erotic explorations. People, places and things can seem irresistible, seductive and highly alluring, and yet that little voice in the back of your head will sometimes pipe up with a “Hold your horses there, cowboy . . .” that may well make the difference between an excellent adventure and a fast ride into a brick wall. Your body has amazing wisdom within it. It may be picking up on subtle cues, information that is not processed by your conscious mind. Respect yourself; do not suppress your gut-level intuition.

Respect your process by entering the community at your own pace.

Some folks are Deep-End-Plunging-Full-Immersion types. Others wish to take a far more conservative, one-toe-in-the-water-at-a-time approach. We very strongly advocate the pace that feels the most authentic to your personal truths. Pushing yourself forward or reining yourself in when it goes against your grain will not serve you well in the long run.

Some people will cast a jaundiced eye because they feel like you are moving too fast/slow, or that you take too many risks/are overly cautious. Their opinions may be useful to hear, but at the end of the day you are living your own life. So long as you take full responsibility for yourself and your choices, and avoid negatively affecting other people’s lives, these decisions are best made from your own heart and mind. You can take as much time, or as little, as you need. The perverts will still be there, perving.

Dress (or undress) to a level that respects your comfort level.

Some folks are natural-born nudists, free with their bodies and naked at the drop of a flogger. Other individuals chose to remain fully clothed. Fetishwear can be a huge turn-on for some; others are great strolling into the dungeon in a pair of sneakers and a t-shirt. You absolutely do not have to run out and buy thousands of dollars in kinky clothes to have fun in the dungeon, though putting together a few outfits in basic black doesn’t hurt. If fetish attire doesn’t turn you on or those $600 boots are a bit out of your budgetary reach, that’s fine. Many events and parties will have dress codes (as indicated in
Chapter 3
), but with a little imagination, you can look fabulous regardless.